Survived Another Year

The last day of the year!!!

Captured some great (I like them anyway) photos of seagulls coming in for landings on water. So much of getting good pictures is just being in the right place and having a little patience to wait for an image to present itself and looking ahead to possibilities.

I keep thinking today of that Bruce Cockburn song, "The Last Night of the World."

It occurred to me yesterday, while driving the back road to Corvallis, that I'll most likely die someday from driving off the road and into a tree while scanning the countryside for photo ops. I used to wish that it would be while playing basketball but since I don't do that anymore .....

Reunion and Other Notes

Christmas Eve ..... Saw nieces, nephews and siblings that I hadn't seen for a few years ..... which was through of no fault of theirs. To sum things up as simply as possible: It feels good to be called "Uncle Mick" again.

• Fell in love with a watch the other day. The lady even let me try it on. ..... then I saw the price. For a second or two the thought of making a run for it raced through my mind. Too bad that I can't run much anymore. God I have some damn expensive tastes! Why don't they display the prices on timepieces like they do on everything else in the jewelry case and save me the angst?
• I have this spot I keep returning to, rumored to be a great location for bald eagle sightings. But all I've seen are red-tail hawks. As was once said on Seinfeld: "Not that there's anything wrong with that."
• I'm beginning to believe that the number one issue with growing older is in keeping up with taking a person's prescribed medications.

FIGHT!!!

Sometimes you just walk away from stupid arguments between co-workers because the participants are obviously not being fair and are guilty of the very same thing that they are accusing the other of doing (or not doing) ...... and you just know that if you do stick your nose and thoughts in the middle of it all, and even though you are the supervisor of all involved, that you are just going to end up being accused by both sides of playing favorites. And how the hell that's possible, playing favorites for both sides, I don't freaking know. So while you'd really love to tell everyone to grow the hell up, you end up just hoping that they all bitch themselves into exhaustion and the realization that I'm not in the least bit interested or planning to take any action on anyone's behalf and thus ends the strife.

Dreams (Continued)

Again I ask, Where do these dreams come from?

A dream about an old grade school and high school classmate who I've seen once since 1974. And being shy around girls back then, I never had much interaction with her to start with. The one time since, where we crossed paths, it was her that recognized me. We spoke for a few minutes and it wasn't until goodbyes were said and we both walked away that I realized who she was. But there she is in the dream last night, speaking back and forth like we were great old friends reunited.

A question? ..... What is the length of an average dream? The majority of my dreams, I recall maybe ten seconds of when I awake. There's surely more to them than that?

Present State

The doctor tells me that "Your body has been through a lot" the last six months. That I'm doing much better now. That causes me to wonder just how bad of shape I was really in? Like I might not have made it to today if I hadn't given in to my stupid fears last May and made my first appointment and visit in decades. He tells me that I've gone from being "severely anemic" to having a normal hemoglobin count and that my high blood pressure is steadily falling. And now that I know what this better condition feels like, I can tell the difference from where I was and where I am. Last May I would have said that I felt fine but now I can actually see that I wasn't so fine. I had in fact forgotten what "fine" felt like.

Anyway, I'm very thankful. I don't actually know how close I was to something very serious but I was afraid. I don't want to misrepresent my condition or sound overly dramatic, but I do know that I didn't want to have only a few months left. I do want to see one hundred years old some day. I don't want to be one of those persons where upon his passing they say: "But he was so young." 

I might not survive the next ten minutes but I'm at least hopeful that I will!!!

To Vacation Or Not To Vacation?

It's kinda funny how I can get into a daily groove or pattern at work that I'm comfortable with and where I feel needed and like the sky just might fall if I'm absent and also with my routines away from work and not want to disrupt all that by selfishly taking vacation time but once I do use several days or a week of vacation time, I struggle big-time with the thought of having to return to work.

I just can't seem to make the voices inside my head happy.

Even the one thing that I thought I would NEVER find comfort in ..... getting up at 5:30am ..... Well if you do it enough consecutive times, you can even get happy with that. Well almost anyway. I'm surprised that my heart didn't just stop while typing that. I probably should go wash my mouth out with soap for even suggesting that a person might get comfortable with waking up at 5:30.

Let There Be Light

Amazing how replacing one long time burnt out and ignored light bulb with a hundred watt bulb can brighten one's attitude towards life. It seems that I've become too accustomed to varying shades of darkness. Now I can see again. Just like the first day with a new pair of glasses. And my face actually looks better in the mirror. (Though I can't help wondering, what if the dimmer look is a more accurate representation?) At least now I can feel better about myself when looking in the mirror. A boost for the battered self-esteem.

Late Night Notes

• I guess I should resign myself to the realities of growing older. Accept the truths and all that. I'm not going to go more than a few days without some sort of ache or pain arising from who knows where.
• I love the vibes and spirits floating around in record stores. Wondering what's going through each persons mind as they are flipping through bins of vinyl records, searching for something special. It never gets old or usual. There's a book waiting to be written, full of people's stories and experiences. ….. Or just thoughts on things overheard.
• Decades later, I still have occasional dreams where my ex-wife makes an appearance. I should note that I do not consider these as bad dreams. Nothing wild or crazy going on. We're just sharing time together. It seems as if she's happy in the dreams.
• I grew up Catholic. It's been many years since I walked away. I'm not ready yet but I have suspicions that one day, I'll return.
• The reason why is not clear but the best time to listen to music is the hours after midnight. During those late night, early morning hours and with the mood present ..... it's like I want to listen to every song ever written. I can't get enough. I don't know when to stop and sleep. I'm held in check only by having to go to work in the morning.

Life Moments

Standing too close (hopefully) to the hand wash station at work while washing several test pieces used in metal detector checks. After completing the chore and stepping away, it appeared that I had experienced an accidental release of bodily fluids and wet myself. Hopefully the sprays were experiencing blockage of the pipes and simply shooting water in strange directions or that I was in fact positioned too close. The only other possibility being that I've lost total control and sensation of bodily functions in progress. It all made for a few good laughs from co-workers.

Venus Rising!!!

Cool stuff alert for obsessed sky gazers!!! The bright light in the sky, brilliantly standing out, very close to the moon a few pre-dawn mornings ago and the following two mornings. I should have known ..... discovered that it was Venus. Fortunate that it wasn't obscured by the usual clouds in these parts. I had to stop and admire the sight for a few moments. Impressive and awesome!!!

A random note, or three .....

• Why is it that whenever I feel the need for an exclamation point, I can never use just one? I usually employ three ..... for added emphasis I guess. Just so everyone knows that I'm excited!!! Leave no doubt!!!
• Helped a friend with a little extra muscle and needed extra pair of hands in hanging a few larger framed paintings. Amazing pieces of various shapes, awkward for one person to handle. I never realized that the proper hanging of artwork was such an exact science. I experienced the very real fear of accidentally dropping expensive works. Works from a century or more ago ..... because I do admittedly possess the great potential for klutz-like moments and which thankfully for everyone involved, didn't happen!!!
• One worry erased .... The possible cancer causing prescription medicine (low risk they say) that I've been taking is not on the federal recall list!!! Made for a joyous drive home from the pharmacy at the opposite end of town

Final Notes of November

• Why does it seem that I'm more envious about the music that I don't have then happy about what I have collected? It's like I could own every record ever made and I still wouldn't be satisfied.
• It's not official yet but today, with it's cold, steady and driving rain felt like the first day of winter. I'm still listening though, for the "sound" you can often "hear" at the moment the seasons change.
• Many police cars blocking traffic for no obvious reason on the main road through town this afternoon. I read later that a pedestrian had been struck and killed there. Can't get the thought out of my mind of what was going through the deceased persons mind as his final seconds ticked away? The seconds just before he started crossing the street?
• Had the strange feeling of being an outsider today while at the Farmers Market after looking around and out of twenty-ish people present, realizing that I was the only male.
• My mother and fathers birthdays both passed by in the last ten days. Apparently no matter what age you reach, there's always a feeling of being alone in the world when both your parents are gone.

The Sky and I

Sometimes I wonder why I'm so inherently interested in the sky? Why do I feel the need to take so many photographs of the sky? I mean, generally speaking isn't it one of those, "If you've seen one, you've seen them all" things? But to my eyes and visual senses, each late afternoon sky, especially when clouds of varying shades of dark and light, the falling sun or the rising moon are integrated is a unique event and a historic occurrence that will never happen again and which I often find myself in awe of.

The sun especially ….. in ever-changing stages of brightness, dominance and brilliant distortion ….. imagine my obsession if one could safely gaze at it without interruption for more than a second or two ….. but the suns role in all this, demands my free-of-distraction attention as it flashes always evolving, divergent views with each passing moment.

The presence of birds-in-flight offers an added dimension and greater depth.

It's all kind of like when I used to play basketball and I'd get fascinated by all the evolving movements on the court between anywhere from two to ten players during a single game ….. or even more specifically a single possession of the ball. Using memory and visualization I'd replay specific sequences in my mind. And that probably sounds like something that maybe the real greats did to help make them as great as they were/are, but I did it as well ….. and I was in no remote or wildly fictional way a "great" player. But I did see every stage of movement and adjustment as unique and as something to be remembered, a progression that would never happen again in exactly the same manner. The thought of such is fascinating to me.

And I see that in the sky also!!!

Passings

Not that I enjoy writing (or thinking) about such things .....

Recently it's seemingly daily that I'm hearing or reading news about someone either from my high school class or within a year or two that has passed away. I know it's to be expected as we get older, but this seems to be happening at an accelerated pace. It makes a person more and more thankful for surviving to this point.

It wasn't that long ago that most of us were likely still thinking in terms of invincibility. That sure turned around quickly. Now you're just wishing for ten or fifteen more years ..... more would be a nice bonus.

Changes

Changes are occurring in my world. No effort is being made, it's just happening. I'm suddenly not planning my activities around televised sports. I record games when I'm away, but make no attempt to keep from hearing the score or outcome beforehand .... And the past month or two, I haven't even been watching many of the recordings. Maybe the inner voices have decided that I've missed out on too much life? I'm still interested in the final results but beyond that, win or lose, either outcome is OK. Maybe not quite to the point of being "fine" yet, but OK as in: OK it's over, let's go on to whatever's next. Not earth shaking stuff but for me, it's certainly something!

Shopping For a TV

Shopping for a new television ..... frustrating stuff. The dozens of display models all look exactly the same in the stores. Your just about ready to purchase but decide to take a last look online and read a few more reviews where someone always has a complaint. You eventually think that you're ready and get inside the store where the voices with questions and doubts take over your mind. So how the hell do you make a decision?

I want to do this once, be done and be happy. No issues, no returns and no consulting tech support. There ought to be a service where you plug in the amount of money you are willing to spend, all the human factors are analyzed (likes, dislikes, various preferences, etc) and it chooses the best set for you while tabulating the odds of satisfaction.

Strange Days

These are the times that mess me up internally until a return to normalcy occurs. A long holiday weekend. A Wednesday evening that feels like a Friday night. A Thursday (Thanksgiving) that will feel like a Sunday followed by a Friday that has no feel and then the real weekend. After a short week like this, the following Monday will feel like three days in length. My mind struggles to comprehend it all. Then just as your body gets back to its normal routines, the Christmas and New Year holidays arrive and you go through the body clock confusion all over again.

Not that I'm complaining about it all.

Decision

A lot of contemplation. A lot of fretting. Back and forth. Pros and cons. Yes and no!! I changed my mind seemingly every five minutes for the past week. I was actually growing exhausted from the conflicting voices in my head.

It came down to it's being one of the greatest albums of all-time. It's one of my personal desert island discs. Top five even!! I listened to it daily when it first came out over forty years ago. When I was young, naive and sentimental and going through several powerful emotions for the first time.

Is it important to me? Is it too extravagant of me? Do I deserve it? Will I sit down and listen to the whole thing? Will it have repeated listens?

I listened repeatedly to song samples. I loved its sad beauty. I was remembering feelings that I hadn't experienced for almost half a century. Remembering a specific person that suddenly came and went from my world back then. Visual flashbacks were happening.

I read reviews that called it an essential historical document in music. I knew that eventually, I was going to either get it or if it reached a point where it wasn't available ...... regret not getting it for the rest of my life. It was costly but this has always been my passion .... collecting music. That's my main thing!!

I made up my mind to make the purchase!!! I nervously sped through city streets on my five mile, rush hour journey to the record store, swearing at yellow and red lights along the way and at cars moving too slowly for my satisfaction. Afraid that I'd change my mind once again. Worried that someone else had beat me to it.

Bob Dylan's, "Blood On the Tracks." was the original record. I bought it on vinyl the day it was released, my Freshman year in college (early 1975 as I recall) ..... This, the recently released box set, "More Blood, More Tracks."

Freeway Blues

Scary happening today!! A pickup truck pulling a flatbed trailer, just ahead of me on I-5, had a blowout at 65 miles-per-hour with rubber sent flying every direction. The driver managed to pull over onto the shoulder without too much trouble it appeared. And I managed to dodge airborne chunks of tire. Glad that I wasn't tailgating. I knew there was a sound reason that I always try to keep a good amount of distance between myself and whoever is ahead of me.

Our 60's!!!

Whoever thought, all those years ago, that we'd ever arrive in our 60's? It certainly wasn't even a notion when we were teenagers. Even while we were in our 50's, the 60's just didn't seem imaginable. It was the beginning point of old age right? But here we are ….. and sometimes it just doesn't seem real. It's like, when are we going to wake up from this dream and be young again? Or maybe we've been victims of bad math when counting our birthdays? Considering the alternative it's certainly an achievement to be proud of, more than a few never made it, but still …..

Saturday Notes

• Sign in the grocery store above the vat of soup: "Hot Salmon Chowder - Contains Seafood." Well geez I certainly hope so. I'm not wanting to purchase the salmon chowder because it contains hamburger or chicken.
• The Record Store suddenly has several titles from what appears to be obscure 1960's rock bands. The Weeds being the only one that I recall. Wish I knew more about these groups. The cover art on each looks like cool potential additions for my vinyl collection. 
• If for nothing else, I really should carry my cell phone with me wherever I go for purposes of note taking when I see something I want to check out when I get home. 
• Maybe the most beautiful mid-November afternoon locally in the history of the worlds mid-November afternoons, spent walking around taking photos. If I had had to go into work ….. well I just might have forgotten.
• "Kills more than 99.9% of germs" ..... So why not identify which germs it doesn't kill?
• So the mechanic at the car dealership had never seen a nail in a tire in that manner and location before ..... Makes me wonder how it got there? Did someone shimey under the car and stick it in sideways? Maybe someone upset with me at work? I know I'm being paranoid but I do wonder just how the hell it happened. I haven't been driving wildly through any construction sites lately.

Dreaming of Hoop Again

Had the recurring basketball dream again and this time, I came through big-time in the clutch. With the game on the line, getting hacked on a drive to the hoop and converting the lay-up for the win. Then awoke, excited and ready for more hoop!!! Seems that you never really get the love for the game, out of your blood.

Didn't shoot the "and one" free throw in the dream. Maybe the other team just walked off the court with heads bowed, knowing who's dream it was and the ultimate futility of their cause.

With dreams, a hoop junkies playing days are never really over. And in the dreams, your legs are forever young. (Apologies to Bob Dylan.)

Expectations?

Why does fifty degrees during daylight hours feel bone chilling freezing while fifty degrees when you get off work at 11:00pm feel  downright warm? I mean, I'm assuming that it has something to do with what your eyes and mind are expecting when encountering daylight and nighttime hours.

Loving The Results

Sent in one of my photos for enlargement on card stock. Afraid that it might not translate so well to enlargement. It came back in the mail today ..... And now I feel like a freaking artsy fartsy Professional Photographer!!! I love how it turned out!! I might have to sell the original paintings that I've purchased and other framed art prints and photographs and decorate my walls with my own photos!!!

Well I'm not really serious about losing those things and I don't really consider myself anywhere remotely near professional photographer status but I can't just leave this photo laying around unframed. And now I want to choose a few more photos to enlarge. I think I'm going to need another wall or two. Or a really tall ladder to go vertical. I do that, then my fear of standing on high rungs of tall ladders comes into consideration. But it might be worth a fall or two.

Hearing Things

So this afternoon I'm channel surfing and come across the Jewelry Television channel and I'm thinking, "That looks kinda nice. I wonder what the price is?" ….. but I have the volume turned down low and suddenly …..

What? Say What? Did I hear that right?

So I fast reverse the DVR, pause and play, turn up the volume on the television and ……

"These studs (a pause) …. are done in a way that only Vanna K will do a pair of studs." (I wrote it down.)

(Yep. That's just what I thought I heard.)

Oh ok. It's the Jewelry shopping channel. They're talking about earrings I suppose. Not about ….. Oh never mind.

Maybe I need to wash my mind out with soap?

Just Do It

I want to kick myself!!!

Each day for the past week, I've told myself that I'm going to ride my exercise bike. If I want to live to see seventy, then I know I need the exercise. And each time the voices in my head makes this statement, the sentence ends with: "a little later." Then "later" never arrives. Actually it arrives but is replaced with "tomorrow," used in a sentence as ….. "It's too freaking cold tonight (it's not really all that cold) and who the hell puts on their shoes and goes out to their garage at 2:00am to ride their exercise bike I'll do it tomorrow."

At least I did one thing earlier that I had also been putting off ….. I voted!! Did a drive-by ballot drop off. It had been sitting on my counter for the same week that I was procrastinating exercise.

Classic Me

Classic me …… See a fifty year old rock masterpiece (The Kinks - The Village Green Preservation Society) in the record store that for some unknown and incredibly unfathomable reason is not currently in my collection. (More errors of my youth.) Pass it by while telling myself that I'll do intensive research on the recording when I get home. Do the research …. (which is actually not necessary because I should have just made the purchase) …. and decide to add it to my collection, telling myself that I'll be there in the morning when they open the doors at 11:00am. The next day arrives, fart around at home all morning doing nothing productive then return to scene of sighting at 1:30pm and it's gone!! "A guy came in a little bit ago and bought it."

The Season

Figure this out. "The Season" at work ..... For another crazy and hectic (at times) season, the end is getting near. I dread its beginning each year. But then I don't want to see its conclusion. It must have something to do with the comfort of getting into a routine. Even a routine that sometimes seems endless with little time for a life away from it all.

Then there's people that I enjoy, who I likely won't see until next season comes around. Assuming we are all in this same place eight months from now. Of course there's also always a few who I will not miss daily interactions with.

Good Day

My favorite feeling these days? ….. The feeling that I get when the bills are all paid, it's a day off from work, the kitchen is clean, there's a full tank of gas in the car, no doctor appointment looming, and the record store is open. When all those factors come together at the same moment, that's one great feeling!!!

I'm Not Mikey!!!

Guy at work …. youngish guy ….. calls me "Mikey." I think that I ought to know your name and you ought to at least be within a twenty year window, younger or older, then myself, before you can call me Mikey. This is like a four decade gap and it just doesn't feel proper. Well maybe it's proper because who am I to say what's proper or not, but I still don't like it. I think that by default I've earned a miniscule amount of respect in my life. Ask me if I have an issue with it. If your grandfathers name was Michael, would you like your friends to refer to him as "Mikey?" I draw the line at three or four of my closest friends. They have the green light.

Rain

3:00am. Rain outside getting harder and harder. Increasing in vocal steps and sequences, until you're expecting to hear the thunder next. Subsides for a moment then starts again. And you're sitting there, awake at this mid-point hour, between night and morning, suddenly thinking about Noah. Or the local flood of 1996. And then just as suddenly ..... silence. And this time, you think it has faded away. That it's over. A temporary calm takes place ..... But the storm's not over!!! It reinforces its stubborn dominance!! Refusing to let you relax or forget. Like you forgot its presence in this place. Like you forgot its name!

All which brings to mind the Jackson Browne song, "You Love the Thunder." ..... "and you love the rain."

And rain, thunder and silence each has their own unique varying degrees of intensity and beauty. And suggestions of renewal. Especially in the dark of night where it's mostly hidden. And in the shadows. But not if you close your eyes.

Closing

A little sad this weekend to make my final visit in one of my favorite out-of-town compact disc and record stores. It's closing in one day and I doubt that I'll get back to Beaverton before then. It's been a great source of music over the years, especially for someone seeking Jazz recordings, and a place where I enjoyed getting lost for an hour or two with each visit. I think a community is greatly lessened when places like bookstores and record stores go out of business.

For some odd reason I felt an urgency to get in and out on my final visit. Half of the store was already packed up and ready for the closing. The usual vibe inside the doors was missing. I didn't take my usual notice of the posters on the walls. They must have already been taken down. It didn't feel like a place where you could hang out and discover something new.

Appreciation

Appreciating simple pleasures …..

• The time immediately after a much anticipated release from work when you have the following day off. When you practically run out the door before they can call you back. Feels so liberating.
• Autumn rain showers ….. as opposed to plain old steady, relentless and dreary RAIN! There's HOPE and possibilities in rain showers.
• Late night music!!! Enhances the moment and the uncertainties found in the dark and quiet hours. 
• A hot and delicious meal prepared in one's pressure cooker. You too can feel like a chef. Like you've accomplished something significant. Significant to my standards anyway.
• Your college alma mater, in the midst of a losing season and when it looked like they had reached a seasonal low point that couldn't get much worse, coming back from a 31-3 third quarter deficit to win their football game. And proud to say that when they made it 31-10, I had a thought ….. "Maybe there's still time and a chance?"
• Feeling that you've made a comeback of sorts with your health!!! Feeling like you are only joking when talking about being an old man.

Changes

One thing that I readily admit to ….. Over the past year or two, I've been undergoing noticeable (by me) and fundamental changes in my outlook, attitudes and personality. There are long time feelings, rituals and routines that I no longer have interest in.

The process fascinates me. Though not to mistake fascination with thrilling me. It hasn't been a planned self improvement mission or contemplated in any way but just spun into motion and it feels like it's unstoppable or irreversible.

Though it causes me to chuckle a little, it occurs to me that just maybe it's the beginning stages of becoming a grouchy old man?

Who me?

One thing I do like is the gray facial (chin) stubble that I see in the mirror when I haven't shaved for three or four days.

Oldest Friend

You just never know ..... Just a few days ago my oldest friend told me that he went through a life threatening medical situation a couple of years ago. I had no idea. Shook me up a little. Your oldest friendships from childhood .... well even though I've begun to face and acknowledge my own health realities of late, I guess I just assumed that some things, like our friendship, would go on forever. But by the time one is into their sixty's, most people are dealing with some sort of health challenge. You stop taking life and tomorrow for granted. You're thankful just to wake up feeling good. You realize with each new day, that the odds are increasing that it could be your last day.

Random Stuff

It appears that our two weeks of Summer Part 2 have finally come to an end.

Oh and of course, since it's western Oregon, tonight's "Hunters Moon" was mostly obscured by clouds. Especially at the prime moonrise moments. It's like, give me a special photo op involving the moon and the probability of cloud cover is 98.9%.

So I woke up this morning and my first thought before I even looked out the window is: "Damn! It feels like freaking Winter." Turned out that it was just a little aging going on. Getting up and moving about usually puts that process on hold …. for today anyway. You don't notice so much, your life and the  new normal, updating itself each morning.

Isn't there an alternative definition of insanity that states: "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"? Well I guess I qualify. Why the hell do I keep attempting to drive into downtown Salem during the 5:00pm rush hour and thinking that just maybe the traffic at all points of entry won't be backed up for a mile with progress measured in inches? And I …. I have no patience for waiting in long lines. I ultimately end up demonstrating my creative spirit and exploring various bright ideas involving alternate routes and short cuts through side streets, narrow alleys and parking lots but each detour just leads to more gridlock. Any perceived success is likely due to traffic eventually thinning out as the clock spins forward and people slowly moving away from the downtown core while I search in vain for the magic opening.

Radio Story

One-thirty in the morning. Driving home from work. On the radio a man from South America speaking of this suitcase of old recordings on tape that had belonged to his grandfather that he came across and spending days going through all these tapes. And one song in particular that fascinated him ….. and it's not clear if he knew the song title or not ….. but then some time later going out and walking around his town and coming across a older, blind woman on the street playing that same song on an accordion. And how she knew the history of the song and the connection that he made with her in that place and moment. He had looked extensively for information about the song and finally stumbled across it "in the memory of a wonderful blind woman."

And I'm just fascinated by this stuff.

BBC Outlook

Get Away

More and more each day I am understanding why people sometimes sell everything and go off on their own into the great unknown, away from everything they've ever known, willing to accept whatever happens.

Crossing The Street At 62

Got caught in the middle of the crosswalk when the light changed. I tried to pick up the pace, tried to shift into a sudden jog but my knees would have none of that. "No freaking way!" they said. I attempted a step or two of hopeful acceleration and they just shut that shit down right there in the middle of the busy downtown intersection leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable. But I just resigned to fate right there and thought: "Screw this! I'm just going to accept whatever happens! You were dumb enough to get your aging ass in this position, now accept the consequences!" I mean, I didn't see my life flash before me or anything but it did startle me a bit in that moment.

Poetry?

I picked up a new release to check out in the poetry section of the bookstore.

Apparently it qualifies as poetry deserving a hardcover edition book release if you take an ordinary, mundane and boring sentence lacking any shroud of creativity and put three words on one line, three or four more words on a second and third line, skip a line and put a final word or two on the fourth line. Then repeat the process in order to compose additional verses and fill seventy pages ..... Oh that's something else. You don't really have to fill the pages with words. Just a few lines will do.

So let me get started on my prolific literary career!!

Am I too harsh in my assessment? Is there something that I'm failing to see? Am I the only one who thinks the glowing praise for the poets(?) work on the book sleeve is a bit too much?

I do enjoy words and poetry with a collection exceeding 500 books and definitely have opinions on what I appreciate and enjoy. Presentation matters to me. Initial reactions are usually reliable for me. Creativity is huge! Paint a visual! When it appears that you've just carelessly slapped something down, I don't dig any further into it.

More Hoop Dreams

I swear I am going to do this before Winter is in full bloom!!

One of these days soon, I'm going to take my basketball (Maybe have to inflate it first) and seek out a hidden from view, remote playground with a basketball hoop (a whole net on the basket is a requirement) and discover if I can still .....

• execute a reverse pivot while dribbling, 
• a behind the back dribble, 
• dribble between my legs, 
• drop step,
• jump shot, 
• left handed layin. 
• a jump hook, 
• dunk the ball ..... 

.... truth be told I only did that previously with a running start (and the wind behind me) on a nine foot, ten inch high rim and with an ultra springy floor to gain added elevation while wearing low top Adidas basketball shoes. If I can't do it today at age 62.7, I hopefully won't be too dejected. And who knows, maybe with added years and maturity, I can accomplish the ten foot rim dunk. I mean I really won't know beyond a doubt until I give it a try right?

Maybe jumping and touching the bottom of the net would be a more realistic goal?

A side-note on dunking. I may exaggerate at times regarding my basketball exploits and adventures. I don't expect that God is counting those kinds of lies in the big book of a persons sins. So what's the problem if I let people believe I could legitimately dunk at will.  

It took many years but just when I became comfortable with all those flash and dash skills, I suddenly went through ten lost years where I lost interest in playing the game. 

Now I want to play again. Even have a burning desire again but can't get my legs to cooperate .... The legs and knees can't find urgency when in the middle of a crosswalk facing speeding oncoming traffic, how can I expect them to go along with my silly hoop fantasies?

In my mind, I can still do all these things .... Even the dunking!!! But it seems that's not good enough for me.

My earliest memories of basketball is shooting at home, in my driveway, on a eight foot hoop with my mom rebounding for me and whipping the ball back out to me for the next shot. She was always of generous and gracious nature which is probably why she let me do most of the shooting. My dad built houses for a living but must have left his tape measure at the construction site on the day that he put up that basket.

A Lifetime of Journaling

I most likely have in the thousands, handwritten pages of journal entries. I was pretty active in writing things down in ink on paper before discovering that it was all so much easier and neater when composed on the computer. I started as a teenager and still journalize to this day. There was a few six month periods of inactivity along the way but other than that .....

Someone once said that the more you write, the better your writing becomes. In my case that's still open for debate.

I can't bring myself to part with these pages but fear the embarrassment of knowing someone will likely discover and read all this when I pass away. It would be just my luck that my thoughts would be judged as book worthy and become a best seller after I'm gone .... But I doubt it. Hopefully any reader will be bored to exhaustion early and toss them in the nearest recycle bin. 

Past Record Stores

Chatting with the owner of the only remaining 'real' record store in town about local record stores of our youthful past. He recalled one that was only in business for a few months but that for a even shorter while, stayed open twenty-four hours a day. I never knew of such a place. Though had I, I would have loved to drop in at 3:00am once or twice a month ….. The idea seems romantic and groovy to me. In those days (1978 he estimated) I was often still awake at that hour …. because why the hell did we ever need to sleep? And record stores have always been my favorite destination, even over the basketball court.

Problem - Solution

Kid (defined as a early-twenty-something) at work comes up with the most basic, elemental solution to a problem. An issue that several have complained about. The fix, so simple, so obvious that I'm embarrassed to even mention the specifics  ..... And I'm like: "I've been here forty-four years, why the hell didn't I think of that?"

Yankees

The (my) Yankees win one of their first two playoff games in boston and the articles in the New York Post suggest that suddenly the Yankees have some sort of edge and I'm thinking, "Yeah right" because I've watched enough playoff baseball and basketball in my life to know that in most cases these series swing back and forth with each game and one win in game two rarely decides anything and even more rarely has any bearing on the next game despite what all the people writing articles in newspapers and online and expressing opinions on television spout off. And sure enough, they turn around and get blasted in game three by the red sox (who I refuse now and always to capitalize), 16-1 or whatever the hell the score was.

And the only time that I've ever felt that one win changed everything was in 2004 …. same two teams and the Yanks had been up three games to none. And I'm laughing and feeling good. Then red sox win game four to make it 3-1. OK no problem, despite feeling a very small but nagging amount of trepidation. Then the sox win game five!!! Yankees were still up 3-2 at that point but it felt like the series was suddenly over with the red sox having won and moved on to the World Series and I might have even been ok if they had called it at that point and declared the sox American League champs because it just felt like something elemental had changed in the universe and there was a ominous wave of momentum building and spreading in the wrong f'ing direction ….. and all true Yankee lovers know how that ended up. I don't need to go any further dredging up bad memories.

And I truly want to live forever and outlive everyone currently alive or still to be born and also including all objects in the universe such as the moon and stars but I never wanted to live long enough to see that bunch of steaming, smelly B.S. And I recall some teacher at some level of my education telling those of us who were attentive in the classroom that day that one should never start a sentence with the word "and" but I often don't care any more about that lesson then I do about the red sox.

And anyway game four happens tonight ….. "God willin' and the river don't rise" as I heard John Wayne once say.

Deja Vu

A wet Sunday night in Autumn on graveyard shift. Deja Vu!! It occurs to me that I've been in this exact situation several times before. I know the exact feeling from previous experience .... Autumn, cold, rain, Sunday night, a sense of loneliness. The clock moves slower than usual, almost stopping. The type of night where you look upward at the stars (if you can see them through the clouds) and ponder life.

Sense of loneliness in the air .... What does one expect a night like this, spent at work, to feel like?

Doctor Visit

A few days ago. After my doctor visit …. Two men outside the clinic, maybe 70 and 40 years old, possibly Father and Son, locked in a deep embrace and crying. The kind of embrace where time stops for that moment and nothing else in the universe matters. Good news or bad news? Dying or the joy of defeating death for now?

Notes

• A person ought to be able to get their money back when they pay beforehand at a dinner buffet and the menu item that drew you in, isn't available. But I somehow doubt there will be any sympathy for the jilted one.
• A twenty-something woman thumbing through the wood crate full of vinyl records at the antique store, passes on Jackson Browne's first album. I feel disappointed with myself for not having the courage to raise my voice and explain to her the error of her ways. Maybe share with her how I took it home forty-six years ago and what the songs meant to me. Hell I should have purchased it and then presented it to her. Pay it forward!!! So I went home and played "Rock Me On The Water."
• A lady at work walking around and I'm standing there confused and thinking to myself: "Who the hell does she remind me of?" After much contemplation, I finally figured it out. She reminded me of last years version of herself.
• Will I ever be satisfied that I haven taken the perfect photograph? (I've likely mentioned this previously a time or two.) I find an image of interest and can take fifty attempts at capturing it but always want one more. Will I ever look at the first attempt and decide that's the best I can do?

Work and Such

Time and transitions. One co-worker suddenly passes away a few days ago .... Another retires yesterday. There's not many of us long timers remaining. Those of us that started out as teenagers in the mid-1970's and have been around since. It's a strange feeling the past five or ten years watching the list shrink. We (At least I) could never visualize this time back then. We just wanted to get through each days shift. We thought that we could go on being young forever. Many of us thought eventually we'd move on elsewhere. That we were just there for a "season" or two. Forty-plus years later was absolutely incomprehensible. But now in so many ways it seems like yesterday. I find that concept to be fascinating.
_________________________

Wasn't it once said and noted in ink somewhere important that we are all unique?

There's a lady at the grocery store and a lady at work who could be twins …. both in observed mannerisms and the sound of their voices. To the best of my knowledge they are unrelated and not aware of the other's presence in the world. I can't hear one's voice without thinking of the other. It's my well considered opinion, though I've yet to run this by any legal experts, that whoever is younger ought to be paying royalties for using the older persons personality.

Rotation Time

Back to my roots at work …. graveyard shift. My initial reaction? ….. I'm too old for this (shit). There is a benefit or two. It does have a built in day off while I change from day shift to graveyard …. Saturday morning to Sunday night ….. without losing a dime in pay. And no more waking up at 5:30am …. unless it's from the chair in my office.

When I was young and had my studliness about me, I chose to work these hours. So I could do all the other stuff I had going on. Second job, summer and autumn softball, winter basketball, etc. Now days though it feels like a demotion. It's ok for a few days or a week but then it gets old. I think (and plan) of all the activities that I'd love to do during the day, but I generally end up sleeping through it all.

Recycling Angst

Potential rage simmering at the bottle recycling facility yesterday. Accepted procedures being ignored by a lady cutting in front of a line of people waiting to access the next available machine. No one wanted to be the bad guy and say something to her but when karma struck and her machine stopped mid-count and then she tried to again skip in front of everyone waiting for the next machine about to open up ….. well you could sense the brewing anger in the air. One guy finally spoke for everyone. The look on her face was that of total oblivion …… Like she was saying: "Oh you have rules and etiquette here? It's not the most rude go first?"

Beginning Of The Weekend Notes

It's past midnight on Friday night so it qualifies as the weekend right?

• The battle between the good and evil voices in my head goes on. A person is walking a good distance behind me. The gray area between close and not close. Even bordering on far-away. I don't want to wait the few extra seconds and hold the door but then the old Catholic school guilt thing kicks in. This moment might be the difference between going to heaven or hell. So I do the honorable and gentlemanly thing.
• Damn co-workers who have worked for me for the past four weeks almost had me in tears with their thank you's and goodbyes. (It's shift rotation time.)
• Driving down River Road this afternoon and couldn't help but think of Greg Koenig (who passed away last week) and how he had probably driven down that road countless times when we were teenagers. With some people it's just difficult to accept that they are gone.
• I think a lot lately about this whole cycle of life thing. Things I see in my mind that I just can't find words to express. People remembered as teenagers and we all eventually went separate ways and in what now seems like a instant later, have returned in visual memories after passing away. And I find it all both sad and amazing. And I wish I had known them better.
• Why is "i before e except after c ...." a rule when it has so many exceptions?

Workday Ritual

The two times when I least want to be at work:

• The hour before I leave home prior my shift when the bite and venom from the don't-want-to-go-to-work spider is the most potent.
• The last hour of the shift when I've had enough for the day and can't wait to get the hell outta there and start watching the clock while passing time slows down to a crawl.

Other than that, I generally don't mind being there. (Yes really!) Just give me a few minutes upon arrival to adjust to the reality of being there and I'm usually fine ….. until that final hour anyway.

I do have to admit though, if we're being honest here and all, that the period of adjustment when I first arrive …. that half hour or so, is not the ideal time to approach me with nonsense like "good morning," or "how are you?" …. and other forms of happiness and positivity. 

Questions

Just my attempt to make sense of something that often times makes no sense at all. .... With a couple people that I knew and who were my age passing away in the past week and a half I'm asking myself quite often: Why them and not me? Why are some taken early while others live on?

R.I.P. Frank

Frank Miles passed away last night. From what I hear, while getting ready to come to work, he just collapsed and they were unable to revive him.

It's been a strange feeling all day. I never really got along all that great with him. Never really thought of him as a friend. We disagreed and argued more than anything else and he treated a lot of people poorly but after all that, he was still a person trying to get through each day of life and someone I worked with for approximately forty years. Someone I saw most days out of the year. Especially the last ten years. Someone that I will expect to see tomorrow and for awhile into the future but he won't be there anymore. That physical fact just seems difficult to accept.

I heard a story a couple months ago about his childhood and how he was treated by classmates in school and felt badly for him. I found myself trying to understand how it affected him. (Even more so today.) Maybe that treatment had a role in how his adult world turned out. I think that people generally try to do the best they can in life with what they know and with what are equipped with to deal with situations. What you see on the surface with people often has many contributing factors and influences from years earlier. In the end, Frank was just another person trying to get by.

His life at work and away from work always seemed full of chaos, conflict and worries. I used to think that he needlessly brought so much of it on himself. Why did he have to be that way? Hopefully he can rest easily now.

I know that I'm not making this sound like much of a tribute. But I have been thinking about him all day and trying to understand.


I keep going back to a thought I somewhat struggle with. When each of us is born, we are all born with a final day assigned to us somewhere in our future. With invisible "lines" drawn to that final day. Then I visualize a "you are here" marker on each of our lines. Why are the lengths on each line so different? How are they determined? Why did a couple people I knew who passed away in the last few days ..... why did their lines end where they did while mine is extended ..... well extended for a few more seconds or another day anyway? Or maybe thirty more years? There are many varied influences that help determine the length of the "lines" but none with total accuracy and certainty for each person. Some people end up totally going against all factors and odds. These "lines" are my way of looking at and making sense of life and death.

Somewhere in all these individual lines of life, I try to work my idea of God into it and my struggle with if God exists or not. And my hopes to figure it all out someday before my line of life ends.

Untitled

One thing that keeps me going in my quest to never die is the posts I see on Facebook when people do pass away. I never want to be the object of all those same day and one or two day old postings of condolences and memories. That thought seemingly frightens me more than the actual act of dying. A year or two later is fine but same day? ….. Nope! That kind of haunts me for some odd reason that I can't explain. It feels eerie freaky. No offense or ill will towards anyone but of everyone that I know, I want to be the last one standing.

Weekend's End

End of the weekend and I have to return to work in the morning. I hate it when that happens!!!

Not only that but I have two doctor appointments after work. I really hate it when that happens!!! Though it's probably the first time it's happened for me. For one of the doctors, last week the nurse's parting words were: "Your next appointment might be the last time we see you." She meant that in referring to the sore on my calf nearly being healed. (I hope.) That was mentioned a time or two by the doctor himself. So as much as I don't want to go in, I'm really hoping to exchange thanks and goodbyes with every one who has helped me for the past three months.

That being said, the weekend went by entirely too fast. Time away from work always passes by too quickly. I ought to just stay at work and never go home. It might extend my lifetime …. at least my perception of time passing by and such.


A few days ago I was on a deck (about twenty feet off the ground) at work attempting with others to unplug a cob corn jam. Stepping off of a stand, I stepped on some cobs on the deck and stumbled around trying to keep from falling before finally regaining my footing. Conchita told me later that she saw it all unfold from down below on the ground and had her arms extended to catch me. I laughed at the visual. That would have been one heck of a catch. My 250 pounds could work up a little momentum in a fall from that height. Not that it really came close to happening.

Day Off

This working every day in the summer, while good for the wallet, messes me up in other ways. Like having a life. I get an actual two day weekend away from work and literally don't know what to do. I went in this morning, just in case graveyard shift last night spilled over into day shift this morning. (It didn't.) So I exited before anyone could tell me to stay and headed back home. I debated several options all morning but couldn't make a decision or find the energy. (Hopefully I'll have an overdose of energy on Sunday). A nap and a televised Yankee baseball game (with more naps) suddenly become late afternoon and I eventually go to the record store. I know I'm always welcome there.

Downtown and walking to the record store, a security guard standing in front of a theater entrance gives me the evil eye as I walked by. I don't know why he was eyeing and measuring me up. I had no intention of going inside that place. I nodded hello but he just kept up the looks of suspicion of ill intents. I thought: "What's your problem freak?" Maybe I should start a disturbance to give him some fun in his world? He looked like he'd welcome it.

It's that gray area right now between Summer and Autumn. It sure doesn't feel like the scorching pits of Summer but it's definitely not Autumn yet. There's strong hints present like alternating periods of rain showers and sun ..... and leafs falling on my car but I just don't fully feel Autumn in the air yet. I worry that it might be False Autumn with another week of hot days lurking though I've seen no mention of that in the extended weather forecasts.

Additional Notes

• A co-worker asked me what I do for fun. I couldn't think of much that would be considered to be fun by anyone else. 
• Fun for me these days ...... Photography, record collecting, shooting baskets, walks in the park, reading poetry and history, watching old movies .... and new this year: Sleeping through Yankee baseball games. Sleep being the fun part.
• I'm in a parking slump. I'm not talking parallel parking (which I refuse to attempt if there's a car in the space in front of or behind me) but with every day, run-of-the-mill, head-in parking. I have issues getting centered in a lined space. I'm blaming it on my dashboard which seems a little higher to my eye level than in every other car I've ever driven causing me to lose all sense and feel for the space around me.
• Lupe .... She says that she understands my form of English but every time I ask her to do something at work, it's a confused stare and: "Whaaaaaat?"
• Having to use channel locks to open maybe every fourth bottle of Pepsi …. Sign of aging or increased anti-tampering measures and product security?
  
• I can't recall any details now but do remember waking up this morning from a very intense dream. Thankful that my windows were closed, I fear I may have been shouting in the dream.

What Scares Me

What scares me above all else these days? Besides dying? Being out and about in automobile traffic. I've become very wary of just about everything and everybody on or in close proximity to/of the road. Cars in the adjacent lane, kids on the sidewalk, teenagers on skateboards, trucks waiting to turn, oncoming traffic, tailgaters …. EVERYTHING!!! It's causing a definite increase in the usage of frowned upon language on my part. It's trending towards just saying no to everyday errands and staying home.

More Notes

• I never did learn to type without watching my fingers. i REALLY HATE IT WHEN i TYPE OUT A LONG SENTENCE OR THOUGHT ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT i HAD THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON. Or even a short sentence.
• I love the changes in the air. The all day alternating periods of rain showers and sun. Not to be confused with the despised and depressing day long total gray sky's and steady unrelenting rain.
• I stand out from the masses when walking in the park. I'm the one person who's NOT totally lost gazing into a cell phone. You see that guy and it's likely me!!!
• For the past three months I've been visiting the wound clinic for a sore on my calf that wasn't getting better. Yesterday I heard the words that I've been dying to hear. The words that my insurance has been paying to hear  …. "It's almost healed."

R.I.P. Greg

Truly shocking news tonight …..

According to Facebook, a friend from high school has passed away. And so suddenly it seems. He had just replied in one way or another to several of my recent posts.

Rest in Peace Greg. I'm seeing your face and hearing your voice tonight as I remember it forty-four years ago. You had such a large presence and sense of humor back in school days and it appears that you enjoyed every day of your life and obvious that many people enjoyed and appreciated your involvement in theirs.

When someone has a personality as large as Greg's, it's difficult to comprehend that the person is gone. I keep asking the sky: "How could this be true? It must be a mistake. He's the same age as I am. If I'm still around, shouldn't he be as well?"

Quick Notes

• Why is it that the same people who would say that kneeling is a sign of reverence when praying consider it as disrespect for the flag?
• The first signs in the air of Autumn is always a welcome arrival!!!
• Is it bad to prefer reading male poets? And poets who are not obviously homosexual? That doesn't make me a hater does it? 
• Major League Baseball is becoming more difficult to watch. Seems like each at bat these days is either home run or strikeout. 
• When I die, I'm hoping someone with coolness and knowledge says: "Wow!" Dude had a cool record collection."

(Don't) Cover This

So I'm in the downtown record store on a Saturday evening and the song being played on the stores sound system is a cover of an incredibly recognizable song .... Except for the fact that I can't seem to recall the title or the original performer. But other than that it's immediately recognizable .... And it's on the edge of my memory. And I'm pretty sure that I'd recognize the original because that performer must be slightly more well known than this cover artist. And the song's about to end when it hits me (like a brick) ..... Bob Dylan .... Changing of the Guards!!

And after researching I'm pretty sure that the cover artist was Patti Smith. Not exactly an unknown in the music world.

Also today,  another case of just when I think there's no one remaining to discover because after sixty-two years of listening and collecting, it's not possible that there's someone I haven't heard of is there? ….. I stumble across a recording being played on the radio of this guy named Joe Pug. And people say that radio doesn't matter anymore.

Bummer

Friday afternoon and I'm feeling about 98% committed to believing the wild morning rumor of having the weekend off from work ..... Only to discover that there's been a drastic global shift in the balance of everything known in the universe and as a result we are now likely working all weekend.

No matter how true anything appears to be you always need to hold in reserve a small percentage of doubt for bummer moments like this. So it's not a total, jump off the roof moment when things don't work out quite as you had hoped for.

My attitude has become one of watching each day pass and realizing that I'm one day closer to using up a big chunk of vacation time that remains unused ..... Which I've probably mentioned here at least a dozen times previously.

It's a nice warm and fuzzy feeling ..... Having all your bills paid up for the moment, being caught up and in control of your prescription medication situation and knowing that you have vacation time to use.

Closing Up

I read that one of my favorite record stores (Everyday Music in Beaverton) is closing. I hope this is not a reversal of the last few years and resumption of a previously halted downward trend. Already been through that once. It felt like watching helplessly while my world was slowly vanishing. It was great to be alive for and experience the years where the record store was a huge deal and a cultural gathering place.

Evening Walk

I think it's amazing how memories can be ignited so easily .....

A walk in the park tonight. I stood under a tree and watched for awhile, a group of fourteen friends playing Ultimate Frisbee. It looked so effortless ..... as if they could run and jump forever.

Wondered if I hung around long enough, if just maybe they might ask me to join them. My legs suddenly feeling up to it and all.

Then I remembered that I'm old enough to be their grandfather.

But I still yearned to join them!!!

It all reminded me in visual flashbacks of my teenage days. For a time, we had a sizable group of friends and friends of friends who would gather almost daily after school at a local park and get a softball game going. It seems now like it was a lengthy ritual but was probably only the spring of 1974, just before many of us headed off in different directions after graduating from high school.

I wonder tonight if the Juniors and Sophomores among our group kept the get togethers going the following spring?

(I still think of that time as bittersweet. So many friendships and potential friendships soon to be disrupted and even ending as people pursued the next phase of their life ..... College, work, etc. I've always thought of that as the most difficult transition in a life.)

We even attempted soccer once .... maybe twice ..... possibly just to change things up and probably because the initial version of the Portland Timbers had become quite popular. I doubt if we had a complete grasp on all the rules (Off-sides, throw-ins, handballs) or player positions, likely resembling a bunch of five year olds swarming around the ball but we did have a great time, kicking with our toes and executing headers with our faces.

(To Be Continued)

Untitled

While sincerely trying not to sound like a leering old man ..... Every summer there seems to be one person at work who causes me to wish that I was eighteen years old again. Someone who over time, I manage to make a small connection with while realizing that I need to keep some distance from and even intentionally trying to discourage any interest. Someone who if I was much closer to in age, attitudes and interests, maybe something could happen. But you have these moments where for just a few seconds all those barriers disappear. Then before you know it you're jolted back to reality by facts and the voices inside your head ..... and anyway it's soon time to rotate shifts or the person quits to go back to school and they tell you goodbye and that they enjoyed working for you and suddenly that daily connection is lost. And it's all a little bittersweet.

But your still there remembering how it felt to feel young again .... if only for a moment or two.

And sometimes I wonder if the person has issues in her relationship with her father and if I'm providing some stability, understanding and kindness that possibly is lacking in her world .... Not in any way assuming but just something I occasionally wonder about. I do try to be the same person every day and I do try to show that I'm fair and that I care.

Days

So it's been almost three months since I went to the doctor for a sore on my leg and eventually learned that I was severely anemic with a slow healing leg wound. It's been a difficult few months at work while working in weekly or bi-weekly doctor visits. I'm not sure if it's the numerous doctor visits or mostly just being 62 and getting no days off from work but there's good days and bad days and days with good starts and bad endings and vice versa and sometimes days with good middles but not so good beginnings and endings and other days broken down into good hours and bad hours and then sometimes it goes back and forth in ten minute increments ……

And is this what the rest of life is going to feel like? No more extended periods of feeling good? Just moments where you feel like you can run the basketball court mixed with moments where a cane or a walker would be helpful.

Kids

The next door neighbor sounding a little frustrated, slud on over and asked if I would like to buy his kid for cheap. Of course he was joking ….. I think.

I have these somewhere between occasional and frequent moments of regret where I wished I had children. At least one anyway.

I hear about a childhood friend battling illness whose daughter has put her life on hold to come stay with and care for her father in his time of need. I wish that I could experience that kind of love where a child would do anything for you.

And in classic one-thing-leads-to-another mode and though the lyrics tell a different story, I think of the title anyway of the old Tom Rush song, "Kids These Days."

SIDENOTE ….
"Slud" used above is not a typo. It's an old friend, Frank Grassman's term that's been stuck in my head for years now. A word I assume that was bantered about in farm country where he grew up outside of the metropolis known as Gervais Oregon. A substitution for the actual word "slid" used in ways such as the baserunner slud into third base.

End Times?

Did I witness the rapture the other day? Driving to work and there was a guy on a motorcycle behind me with no obvious exit route from the path he was on .... he followed me onto the long entry way at work. I saw him turning behind me ..... cow pastures on both sides of the road. No intersecting roads ..... then a few seconds later I glanced in the mirror and he wasn't there. Where did he go? Either the rapture or in the five seconds between glances in the mirror he pulled off a quick U-turn and zoomed out of sight.

And if it was the rapture, well then I must work with a bunch of bad people because no one that I know of was missing from work.

Birds flying into my windshield and possible raptures? Then add yesterdays much appreciated rare August rain shower. These drives to and from work are becoming adventures.

Lyrics

To be filed under classic lyric lines .....

So I'm in the used record store in Beaverton and they're playing what sounds like some old traditional country music record from the 1960's or something (certainly pre-1980's) and I'm not paying much attention to it until suddenly heard clearly, like they were directed specifically at me were the lyrics: "I should have my head examined but she's done warped my brain." ..... Now I can't get those lyrics out of my head.

Funny how while nothing else remotely registered, I latched onto those words.

There must have been some classic tunes with memorable lines on this record by an unknown artist. It didn't seem like the kind of music that a typical hip, younger (or even older) record store employee would be playing unless it had some comedic value.

Steppin' Out

Things are changing around here. Expanding my horizons and all that. I've been stepping out for pancakes the past three mornings. On a quest to find the best pancakes in the area. I figured there's gotta be a better experience than the boxed ingredients that are mixed with water or the McDonald's offerings. I used to enjoy whipping them up from scratch when younger but don't find that option so enviable nowadays. What else would I do with the leftover eggs? Who's going to do the dishes?

A Real Life Hitchcock Moment

A (crazed?) bird flew head-on into my windshield the other day. I'm just driving along at about 45mph then suddenly, THUMP! It's not like that happens every day. Startled me a bit. In all my years of driving, I don't recall that ever happening. Then yesterday, another who appeared to be elevating too slowly. A miss but not by much!! It's kinda reminding me of one of my favorite Hitchcock movies. Was I an extra in the movie in a parallel universe?

Close Calls

A co-worker tells me about her close call while driving to work. Someone tried to switch lanes on I-5 lane but she was already there. Forced her off the road onto the shoulder, then over compensating to return to the road and nearly overturning. You just never know. You can never relax and assume that all is well because it can all change in a literal instant. Not even a short drive to work is without risk.

Then she tells me how the prior evening, her teenage daughter was almost struck by a lift truck at work. Conditions being what they are this time of year .... everyone being pushed for more production and people in jobs they don't usually do and sometimes with machines (like lift trucks) that they are not accustomed to handling, you have to be even more on high alert at work then on the highway. It's dangerous to be walking around and to change direction without first stopping and looking.

Yankees Notes

Yankees - red sox timeline with reactions (checking the score occasionally while at work) ....

4-2 Yankees in the third inning ..... Far out!! What I was hoping to see.
6-4 red sox .... Shit!! How did that happen?
8-4 red sox .... Damnit!! I was afraid that events lately were setting up for this type of outcome.
13-4 red sox .... Why the hell do I bother?!!! I don't need the aggravation.
15-7 ..... Final score. This is reminding me of the 1978 Boston Massacre, only in reverse. I'll just delete this one from the dvr.

It appears like all the great assembled bullpen arms that are to steady and compensate for a questionable starting rotation that rarely goes deep into games have suddenly worn down over the past week. And this was only game one of four. Not feeling optimistic for tomorrow.

Top of the first .... The first two Yankee batters got on base, the third hit a home run. It slid downhill from there.

Worst Yankee statistical line of the evening. Jonathan Holder in relief .... Faced seven batters, zero outs recorded, seven earned runs allowed.YIKES! Evening earned run average .... Infinity squared.

Friday .... Make That Thursday Notes

Had my annual, working graveyard shift for eighteen consecutive days moment today where I woke up and for an hour or two was walking around under the impression that it was Friday only to be bummed out at the eventual realization that it was in fact Thursday. Though I'm still not one hundred per cent sure of that either. Maybe it's really Sunday?

Also experienced my thrill of the month moment when I happened upon a downtown parking spot in the shade. SCORE!! I am thrilled at different things than the average human.

At one point I found myself caught in the double no where land of having three different meal items from three different venues in mind, each causing a darn near incessant drooling reflex and being in my car at a point in town, an almost perfect equal distance from each, north, south and west, needing to make a spur-of-the-moment decision and paralyzed by the inability to decide which way to go and a fear that whichever way I did go would be the one where the chef/cook would be having a mediocre day food preparation-wise. It's times like this where a wife would be extremely beneficial to provide a voice and make a decision.

And I must have been looking a little on the shaky side because wherever I went, people seemed to be holding doors open for me and motioning for me to cut in front of them in traffic and things like that.

Then made the especially horrible decision of going through the Dairy Queen drive thru window and ordering a large chocolate covered ice cream cone which in the 95 degree heat, immediately began uncontrollable melting and oozing down all sides of the cone and all over my hand and t-shirt faster than I could electronically roll up my window, lick, eat and drive to a shady spot to enjoy. It's difficult to enjoy your treat when you're engaged in hyper swallowing so you can get back to your melting cone.

I've Got Those Ninety-Plus Eff'ing Degrees Blues

And there are actually people who obsess over and profess boundless love for this endless consecutive days of ninety-plus degrees of Fahrenheit shit? Just what sensation that comes from it is that which makes them incredibly giddy with happiness? Is it taking a shower to cool off and wash away the dried-on layers of perspiration only to instantly becoming sweatier than before just from the act of stepping out of the shower and picking up a towel? Or perhaps it's the fondling of the steering wheel of your car that's been parked directly under the rays of the sun for most of the afternoon?

And why do extreme heat waves only become longer than originally forecast and never shorter? Explain that Weather Channel!!

I mean, I used the "S" word above in a descriptive way to enhance the issue of overly warm degrees, which I sincerely attempt to avoid in places like this, but that's what the heat does to me. Extremely dulls my levels of genuine sincerity and the desire to be well behaved and humble.

It's just that I hate this eff'ing bullshit!! Ooopps there I go again.

I mean, about the only positive that I can come up with in this whole sweaty, steamy, sloppy, smelly, gritty mess is that an ice cold bottle of Pepsi tastes infinitely better than it would on a deep in the bowels of winter freezingly cold type of day. There's no comparison.

Strange Times

Somedays lately, work feels like how the final days of the third reich must have felt. Chaotic days, though that's nothing unusual but the sudden exodus of people leaving (or fleeing?) for other jobs ….. that has a feeling of desperation of sorts. Not used to seeing it over the years, except the loss of people to retirement decisions. Over the years, people have been mostly lifers. But there's now seemingly a trend of those in "key positions" going elsewhere. Then you observe certain changes in processes and the way things are done, not getting the hoped for results and you start to wonder about the future of the company.

But you keep on trying to do your best while ignoring the long established, uninformed rumor mongers and negative voices. The people who enjoy tailgating onto any situation and spinning it with their special brands of armchair analysis, "fake news" and trouble instigating. People who you know have no access to inside knowledge except for that which was created and spins around in their tiny minds and/or discussed and relayed in top secret huddled encounters with other paranoid, small minded types in daily bonding sessions. People who after reading my last few sentences wouldn't recognize themselves in the words.

____________________________________________________

Each Summer, there's many new faces at work ….. people of various ages and backgrounds. One of them stopped me and asked if I was "kind of like 59?" ….. "I wish" I laughed, "I'm kind of like 62." He informed me that he was 59 (I would have guessed kind of like 69) and asked about retirement and social security. I felt badly that I couldn't tell him much. I mean, I've never really looked into it. In fact, it's kind of like I've been avoiding it.

And why?

I heard about a lady in her late 70's or 80-something who was still working, refusing to retire because she didn't want to stay home ….. I guess she had a fall in a parking lot a few days ago resulting in multiple bruises and scrapes to her face and arms and also resulting in her son pulling her aside and saying: "That's it! It's time for you to quit!" No word on how that was received and acted upon but my thought to the person telling me the story was: Hell I would have no problem with staying away from work, it's all the phone calls, office visitations and paperwork leading up to that point that I am dreading.

I do have a bunch of vacation remaining this year that I need to use and if wanting to add on, some sick pay also that's available, though it's been at least ten years since I've used sick pay. (Damn sense of responsibility and work ethic said with tongue in cheek.) All that time off in November and December is going to feel like a preview to retirement. I'm going to feel like a new hire upon returning whenever that time off runs out. I suppose I need to get around to doing the math. But procrastination is one of my specialties.

New Old Sounds

I've become fascinated lately by the music given to us by Jason Molina. Either under his own name or via the groups, "Magnolia Electric Co." and "Songs: Ohia" Just recently discovered and then thrilled to find a huge catalog of recordings to seek out.

I love it when that happens!!

He passed away in 2013 but was extremely prolific in his years releasing music. How do I describe his sound? Americana? Indie Folk-Rock? Singer/Songwriter? All of the above perhaps? There's one album that has an obvious Neil Young/Crazy Horse influence!! I mean that in a good way. Doesn't seem to have ever been an issue with writer's block. I can't help but wonder what may have been created had there been another ten or twenty years?

This darkly melodic and brooding stuff is what I love!! How is it that I was never exposed to this music years ago?

These Days

What's a little scary is when I sit and think: "Will I still be around in ten years?" .... Well maybe. Develop some good habits and flip a coin. "How about twenty years?" .... Possibly but a good chance not. And then when you consider how fast the past ten or twenty years have flashed by .... Well the resulting hesitation, it causes you to shut down the thought process for a bit. To stop thinking.

Sometimes I look around at work and wonder if I'll still be doing this in five years? It used to just be a given. But nowadays? At some point, just diminishing physical abilities will demand that I be honest with myself and back away.

No Side Effects Blues

Incredibly happy to report (while knocking on all available wood objects) that I've yet to experience the dreaded side effects that I was warned about and have read about that occur with some people taking iron pills to treat "severe anemia." One in particular that had me feeling more than a little hesitant .... the big C .... constipation.

The key word above being "yet."

See I don't want to get all over confident and cocky about this and then have any negative karma that's lurking around, come back at me. I mean, I'm even thinking about going back to the first paragraph and capitalizing "Constipation" just to show some proper respect. Stay humble!!

In fact the toughest part is finding the right time to take the pills. Twice a day, either an hour before eating or two hours after eating. This along with a daily Centrum that I was told to start which is supposed to be taken with food (I think). When you've had no set food consumption times or patterns for many years, this required a seemingly radical adjustment of sorts for me. But I do want to feel better both physically and in my outlook for the years ahead. So I'll try to follow instructions, no matter how much denial of any health issues that I was feeling at first. And no matter how much I would prefer not to be on any medications.

I experienced all the happiness that I deserve just the other day when I received a voice mail that my doctor appointment was cancelled and re-scheduled for early August.

In the meantime, I've been visiting the wound clinic weekly for this sore (they call it an ulcer) on my calf. Which was the reason I went to the doctor in the first place that led to blood tests, a hospital overnighter, blood transfusions, colonoscopy's, endoscopy's, scans, etc. Not to forget, scaring my niece I was told, who was waiting to drive me home after my initial scheduled procedure involving anesthesia (that ended up being delayed a day), when she saw me in a wheelchair and was informed they were keeping me there. Anyway I have a lifetime supply of gauze pads and wraps now. But lately they've been dressing it and using a compression wrap, foot to knee and feels a little like I'm in a walking cast but which means that I don't have to change the dressing each day, a process I was beginning to truly hate. The nurse told me last week that the wound looked a little smaller so that's progress I suppose. I go back tomorrow and am hoping for more visible progress.

But what's really struck me is some of the people I've seen down there while I'm sitting and waiting to be seen. People that are dealing with very serious problems. A guy that sat next to me that was out of breath .... and he was just sitting there and struggling for air. Another guy slowly shuffling past with the aide of a walker, in pajamas and looking alone and defeated. And then last week, a boy who looked to be nine or ten years old who had lost all his hair (I assume from chemo) and was being pushed around by his parents in a small hospital bed. They stopped right next to me for a few minutes before a nurse took them to a room. And he was smiling and sounding upbeat in his words!!! There's been others too. Those people and images have stayed with me. I think about those people often.

Send Those Positive Vibes

A friend revealed that he has cancer and I don't know what to say to him. I'm sure that he doesn't want to hear the generic and meaningless, "sending positive vibes your way." Which I doubt assists in lessening a persons fears. Unless one can commit to physically being there whenever needed, I don't know if there's much to say. The truth is that a simple hand on the shoulder is much more assuring and powerful.

I don't know .... maybe to a glass half full type personality, positive vibes would help and be welcomed? Personally I think they are of little value. I know that no one that is out there (well maybe one or two people if it were my own health situation) sending the more powerful, negative vibes. No one that matters anyway. I'm pretty confident that everyone is rooting for their friends recovery.

Dreams

It's funny how one evening dreams can be horrible and frightening (two nights ago), then the next night, wild, sensual, sexual and thrilling (last night). Even coming close to equaling the emotions of the real life experiences being dreamed about. If only they could be conjured up on demand. But I suppose if that were a reality, a person just might never get out of bed, preferring to summon up dreams about excesses of food and pleasure.

Random Midweek Notes

• Shoe shopping and I found a pair of shoes that I actually like as far as comfort. I had previously resigned myself to the thinking of this outcome being an impossibility. That my feet would never know true happiness again. I'm tempted to return to the store and buy all they have in stock in my size.  
• Shoe shopping is something I hate because I always feel so exposed and vulnerable when trying on shoes. An easy target for someone looking to grab a wallet and run. And desperate to find something to wear with the least amount of effort. I don't want to try on more than one or two pairs of shoes. 
• I love my everyday walking around backpack. It must have thirty-five different pockets and then another ten or fifteen hidden chambers that I haven't discovered yet. It's much like some of the women's purses that I've seen on the home shopping television channels. I'm finding that I just want to fill it up with stuff. To be prepared for anything and everything. I feel like Batman with his utility belt.
• Seems like the most commonly asked question of sixty-somethings is: "When are you planning to retire?" I have no answer for that question. I just hope that I know it maybe a year or two before the time is obvious.
• The doctor couldn't help but notice the abnormality that is my pinky toenail. So I told him about the youthful days swimming with friends who would refer to it's sighting as "The Toe" and feign terror as if it was a Godzilla-like monster in a horror movie.
• No more music purchases solely on the recommendation of a trusted friend. No offense to trusted friends but music is personal. I need to make purchases based on my own impressions.

(Overly?) Medicated Blues

I've never been someone who uses any medication except for whatever seasonal hay fever drug I was trying in a given year but suddenly, due to medical issues previously documented, I find myself on three different prescriptions plus an occasional prescription pain killer. Managing it all is making me a little nervous. There's too many differing instructions. Twice a day (Which I struggle with), once a day, with a meal, two hours before or after a meal, with lots of water, and also my question, can I take any of these together? etc …. At least I've yet to experience any of the possible side effects that are mentioned. I wasn't too terribly thrilled at the prospects of an upset stomach and constipation. I look forward to the time when I can get off a couple of these …. Though I'm beginning to wonder if this will be a rest of my lifetime regimen. A question to ask during my next doctor visit.

I had the idea that a dry erase board hung on the kitchen wall would be a good tool to track daily usage and maybe even make it semi near fun experience but I'm thinking now that I need a little more sophisticated system.

And speaking of side effects and instructions for use ….. the prescribing doctor never mentions this. It seems it's the pharmacist who is the bearer of all the mostly unpleasant details. Keep in mind, this discovering how the system works is all new to me. This is likely old news for most people.

Maria Bartiromo Blues

"Blues" in the title as in it being a bummer that this didn't really happen. ….. I'm being taunted by the sleep and dream world. Had a dream overnight that I was going to hang out with Maria Bartiromo!!! Wow!! That we were friends and she was coming over to watch movies and listen to music. I woke up though before she arrived. Just my kind of luck I suppose. I would have loved to hear what she thought of the vinyl collection …. even it was only a dream. Even if it was in her Brooklyn accent. Maybe in another lifetime I might get so lucky?

Seasonasl Allergy Blues

It's perplexing!! I just can't seem to figure it out. There doesn't seem to be a pattern from day to day. Whenever I assume that grass pollen's are my problem, it turns out that maybe it's the tree pollen's ….. and vice versa. I'll visit websites and one pollen count is off-the-charts high and the other is practically non-existent and I'll mentally prepare for the worst and then end up having an uneventful, no sneeze, no sniffle or tears kind of day (like today),  Even able to walk in the park with no reaction. ….. Then go to sleep, wake up a few hours later and it hits full force!! Actually starting while you slept because one eye is already clouded over.

And why when it attacks the eyes, does it usually go for one eye instead of both? It doesn't seem to have a preference with the nose and nostrils.

Baseball These Days

Why are umpires needed in baseball, besides a home plate umpire to call balls and strikes when just about any other ruling it seems can be questioned, reviewed and overturned? ….. and often are, seemingly one or two a game. You don't need umpires for the obvious calls (just go with the honor system) and the others can be made by someone with  a monitor and access to different camera angles. It just doesn't feel like humans are making the judgments anymore when everything can be reversed.

If it's decided to keep most judgements eligible for review then teams should not be able to hold up the game while managers look at a call in their dugouts and decide if they want to have the umpires formally review it. The team decision to review a call ought to be made instantly and not after ten or twenty seconds to look at a replay and think about it.

Homeless Issue

This is difficult to write about without sounding insensitive ……

The efforts of the city in past years, to drive homeless people from their out-of-sight, out-of-mind campsites seems to have resulted in people sleeping all over downtown Salem benches and sidewalks. I don't pretend to have the answers (other than more money) but this is one issue where I would be willing to pay some sort of tax to help with the problem ….. to provide adequate and available shelters for those in need.

People complain that most make the choice to avoid employment and be homeless and don't deserve assistance but in occasional encounters, I see what appears to be mental illness in many of the homeless and they likely would be skipped over by potential employers.

I don't know how to sort those who genuinely need help from those who are just lazy and don't want to work ….. The situation does need increased attention though on the local government level and soon!

Lessons Learned

Going through a health scare and the accompanying moments of doubt certainly gives one a greater appreciation for day-to-day life.

It also serves as a wake-up call that you are not a kid anymore and that attention is needed towards maintaining your health. No longer can you assume that all is forever well.

It also serves to increase awareness of others around you and the issues that each person is dealing with, often alone (which is frightening) and in silence.

Old grievances with others suddenly cease to matter.

You're extremely grateful for the smallest of gestures.

You see and hear things around you. You see people with major issues. There's a sincere realization of how each moment in a life matters. Because everything can change so quickly. Appreciate all that you have.

Doctor Visit

You might not believe how happy I am these days to be alive in the world. (Jackson Browne fans will notice two song titles in that sentence ….. which is most likely purely intentional in a hidden message kind of way ….. or something like that.)

You know ….. It occurs to me that "Or Something Like That" would make a good song title. Maybe like a Jazz Standard from the 1950's. Or a lyric fragment that a current day Singer/Songwriter could work some word magic with. Anyway …..

I know it's irrational but over the past three weeks my mind has managed to convince my soul that there was a darn good chance that I was dying. And I've been walking around for a few weeks with that idea overpowering and dominating my thoughts.

Three weeks ago I went to see the on-call doctor to get a sore on my lower leg looked at. (At the time I couldn't get an appointment with my newly appointed primary doctor until June 1st.) Something I assume, in my responses to the doctors questions or my general physical appearance led to my being sent to have blood drawn. A day later I was informed by phone that I was negative for diabetes BUT "severely anemic" and that the primary doctor now wanted to see me "right away." (It didn't help much a day later to receive a second phone call that I was also negative for hepatitis.)

Looking back, those two words "right away" is what set me off. The word "severely" also had a part in that.

I came away from my appointment with the primary doctor wanting me to see a gastroenterologist for a consultation "as soon as possible." That took place a few days later and led to being told that he wanted me to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy ….. "sooner rather then later" to find the cause of the severe anemia and why I was losing blood somewhere "and fix it." Five minutes later I was informed of the time and place for those procedures ….. The urgency of it all and my own reading between the lines became frightening. Not to forget the looping video being played in the gastro doctor's waiting room about colon cancer.

Things and appointments were spinning by my eyes too fast it seemed. I was having trouble processing all this new information. I found myself wishing that it was all just a bad dream that I was unable to wake up from.

During this preliminary process, my thoughts raced back and forth between the mostly dominating idea that they are going to find something that's too late to fix and the occasional calming idea that I was actually having this treated and fixed. Oh and there was that urgency thing always present.

Two days ago I found myself being dragged by a friend to the hospital to have those procedures done.

It wasn't long before I was all hospital gowned up and hooked up to IV's and just moments from being put under when the anesthesiologist inquired about my hemoglobin count and a race to get the official information. Too low she said and too much of a risk for a heart attack if they proceeded at that level. We need to admit you to the hospital for blood transfusions and raise the count before doing this. My first hospital over-nighter since birth ….. I don't actually recall that stay but at least my mom was with me then I assume. But since she was such a great mom I feel pretty certain that she was there with me, holding my hand.

I did discover how comforting a nurse's hand on your shoulder can be.

A sidenote before I forget. I read that eggo waffles are a good source of iron so my toaster has been getting in a little overtime work lately. No butter and syrup just the naked waffles.

So it was off to the waiting room of the ER to be admitted. I'm told that my niece who had been waiting to take me home was a little nervous upon learning of this new development. My phone had been ringing and not recognizing the number, I had blown off the calls. Turned out it was my sister who my niece had called to inform of the changing circumstances. This is the same niece who a few years ago (it seems) called me on Christmas Eve while I was sitting in the Houston, Texas airport, eastward bound, to ask if I was coming over for Christmas. Damn near had me in tears that day. She's all grown up now, driving cars and in a few days, graduating from high school. Time flies as they say.

I sat in the ER looking around at all the other people waiting to be seen. People who looked in far worse shape than myself. People in obvious pain and distress. People with needs greater than mine. this place must be crazy insane busy to keep some of those people waiting.

The last time I was here was Christmas Eve, 1979 or 1980. My father had been having trouble breathing and asked me to take him for a drive but refused my attempts to take him to the hospital. Finally I told him that I didn't care what he said, I was driving to the hospital. He relented in silence. It was a heart attack. He passed away seven months later. Actually now that I think about it that was the second to the last time I was there. The last time was when I shot a two inch staple through my thumb while handling an electric staple gun at 1:00am on a Sunday night at work after a sleepless weekend of work and playing in a slow pitch softball tourney. (That seems strange to me now because we were usually eliminated from most weekend tournaments by 9:00am Saturday morning after getting stomped on Friday evening and then again early Saturday morn.) The nurse that night enjoyed a good laugh. Not at my discomfort but at the brand name on the gloves that they had to cut off my hand .... Big Dick Gloves. That was in 1982.

Eventually I was taken to a recliner in the hallway of the actual emergency rooms where it seemed that I was asked about 3000 questions by a nurse who really seemed to know her wide ranging stuff mixed with an infinite compassion for those in need. I began hoping that she would be working around-the-clock all weekend. I thought of a couple friends who before retirement served as nurses.

Then into a room where I was hooked up for transfusion number one. Followed a few hours later by my own newly assigned room and transfusion number two. A slow, six hour process. Of course I managed to get in a little NBA playoff viewing while all this was going on. My sister arrived and sat with me for awhile, took my keys, retrieved my Kindle reader from home, returned and sat with me awhile longer.

I was informed that since my colonoscopy was re-scheduled, I'd be getting a second helping of the "party juice" (a friends words) once the slow dripping transfusions were complete. And not the new and improved smaller dosage that I had suffered through Thursday evening while attempting to maintain and display a small amount of remaining dignity in front of co-workers but this time the legendary (seemingly ten gallon) big jug. At least they gave me a choice of flavors. Even throughout this process there was very little privacy. Someone was always knocking on the door wanting to take temperature, heartbeat and blood pressure. And I imagine,  to make sure I hadn't escaped. And then to draw more blood.

There wasn't much sleep between midnight and 4:00am. I stood there on the fourth or fifth floor looking out my window to the empty sidewalk and street below. I wasn't even sure if the Yankees had won their Friday evening baseball game. The question, How the hell did I end up here went through my thoughts numerous times. How did this sore on my leg result in all this? Also …. "I sure hope this is a one-way view or tinted glass window" ….. for people in hospital gowns who without thinking, turn around and expose their backsides while standing there pondering life in that curtain-less window frame.

From now on I'm going to do as Warren Zevon advised and "enjoy every sandwich." I'd been doing that anyway since he uttered those words on the late night Letterman program but I'm planning to step it up, enjoyment-wise. ….. if only I could have a sandwich. Hell it was now over fifty hours since I'd had anything to eat and it was looking to be at least five or six more. I'd been informed that I was on the schedule for 8:15am, Saturday morning. A great way to spend your Saturday of Memorial day weekend.

The time finally arrived. In the prep room I inquired about the risks. I had made the mistake on Thursday evening of reading the Endoscopy information sheet the gastro doctor had provided a week earlier. Generally a low risk procedure but here's a long list of the things that could possibly go wrong. The one or two involving immediate surgery had caught my attention. I joked with the doctor that I wished it wasn't too late to back out of all this. He told me (and with much sincerity it appeared) that if I really wanted to I could get up and go home. But that the benefits far outweighed the risks. OK lets get it over with!! The anesthesiologist asked if I wanted something to relax. That sounded like the best idea I had heard in the past four or five years. I was wheeled into the room where the procedures would take place and next thing I knew, was being told it was over and everything looked good. What the hell? How? When did I get put to sleep? I recall looking at the clock …. a few minutes past 10:00. 

One of the thoughts that raced through my mind in the moments before I was put to sleep was that I should write down my last spoken words before I went under. In the event that I didn't wake up and years later someone discovers my hidden attempts at poetry and they are labeled a literary accomplishment of the most extraordinary sensitive and perceptive manner …… and I become wildly famous after my time, in a posthumously kind of way. But then everything was happening so fast and my final words were probably something along the lines of "When can I go home?"

Back in my hospital room and in what seemed like the time between the bottom of the second and top of the third innings of a baseball game and then it was off again to get a ct-scan. The tour guide / hospital bed pusher turned out to be a fellow Yankee fan. It's amazing how much Yankee chat can take place while one is being wheeled through the halls of the hospital. 

Given another "all looks good" on the ct-scan and wheeled back to my room. I was asked if I wanted something to eat. I was beginning to think they'd never ask. The nurse gave me a menu ..... all in Spanish. I could make out a few items but desired more choices. I asked for a English menu and she said that she'd be right back ...... Twenty minutes later and thinking I'd been lied to about the being right back part, another nurse stopped by and asked if I was hungry. I've heard the stories over the years about hospital food but the roast turkey and mashed potatoes with gravy that I ordered tasted like homemade manna to me ..... assuming of course that manna tasted great back in those biblical times.

I'd been advised that if I reacted well to the food, they'd let me go home. I was thinking 5-10 minutes of observation time. They were thinking closer to two hours. And that two hours ended up feeling like twenty-four hours. I was determined that I was going to react well. If I had that level of conviction of determination and positivism with other things in my life, I'd still be married and have several million (or billion) dollars. It's never too late to become a glass-half-full personality I suppose. 

At some point during the observation period, they told me that I could get out of the gown and get dressed. By then, I had lost a great deal of my previously inherent shyness after realizing and accepting that the hospital staff were just doing their jobs and most likely didn't want to see my ass any more than I did and probably weren't sneaking peeks .... or maybe it was side effects of the two servings of poop juice playing with my attitudes? 

Possibly it was my asking about a dozen times if I could get dressed ..... Anyway un-robeing and getting dressed was one suggestion that I was infinitely eager and happy to follow through on. Seemed like a good sign as well that I might be going home soon.

All I needed now was a ride. I knew that my sister was out there somewhere ..... and that my brother was on call and willing. And also for someone who knew what they were doing to take this damn IV out of the back of my hand.