Last Dream of 2017

What's with all these ex-wife dreams over the past year? What's causing them? Seems like lately there's one every couple of weeks. It's not like I spend a lot of my waking moments thinking about her. But last night a lengthy dream that she was back in my world and wanting to be there. It all felt so genuine!! Not that I believe there's any hidden messages or hopes within these dreams. And they are preferred over the increasing trend of disturbing dreams from the past few years. Gotta have some balance for sanity sake.

End Of Year Musings

Well another year has just about passed. With each new year I always wonder if I'll see the next year. I just can't comprehend 2018 being here. Wasn't it just 1974 a few years ago? Didn't I used to wonder if I'd make it to year 2000? It seemed so far away at the time and so much had to go right for it to happen. Now it's so distant in the rear view mirror.

It's funny how so many of a persons personal timelines are centered around the year that they graduated from high school. But that's when things really began to change. The end of so many things in your world that have been constants and new beginnings taking over ..... routines, friends, surroundings, expectations. From that point on, time seems to accelerate greatly. And then the pace quickens with each new year. Before you know it, you're looking back on it all in amazement. It becomes more difficult to see much further ahead. Life becomes just one-day-at-a-time by that point.

I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone and as if that's a universal absolute truth, but it sure appears that way. 

There's things I'd like to experience either again or for a first time but if that doesn't happen, I'm good with it. To me, that's a positive outlook. 

(I don't know how the font changed here ..... something to do with copy and paste I'm sure ..... but I'll be damned if I'm going to go back and re-type this. I guess that also comes with each new year ..... increased stubbornness.)

Sometimes when I'm walking around town, a lady will pass by in the opposite direction, make eye contact and smile. Why? Maybe she can see past my cold and gruff exterior? One of these days, the instant will slow down enough that I just might think to offer a: "Hello," in return. Sometimes a simple smile from a stranger feels like enough.

Overheard

Overheard the other day .....

Lady #1: "I love listening to music."
Lady #2: "You have a cd player?"
Lady #1: "Yeah my car is really old."
Lady #2: "Oh Wow!"

I was tempted to explain about really really old antique cars and cassette players. Or shiny vinyl records and my turntable at home. That might have been too much to comprehend though.

Maybe it's just me? I'm still a proud hold out for the traditional modes of music appreciation. Downloading music files is a last choice for me. Streaming? Not even positive what all is involved there. Some form of listening I'm sure.

It's Over

So it's over. I survived another Christmas. No disrespect intended for the actual meaning of the time but much disrespect for how many people and businesses observe it. I can't explain my attitude but it's my least favorite time of the year. I'd likely feel much differently if my mom was still around or if I had children. For the past ten years I've looked forward to when it was over. So please don't use the standard greeting and ask me how my Christmas was. I'll either walk by you without answering or outright lie and tell you what I think you want to hear and feel badly about lying to you or I'll be brutally honest .... which I'm sure you don't want to hear.

Those Momentarily Misinformation Blues

Re: The importance of providing proper information ...... While checking to see if that is indeed freezing rain falling right now, the NOAA Weather website says +6 and -1 for the lows early in the week. WHAT THE FRICK???!!! When did everything change? Turned out it had Salem, Massachusetts for my home instead of Salem, Oregon. Whew!! Dodged that one. Not that I did or ever would wish it upon others but far better 3000 miles away with them Easterners than driving up my electric bill astronomical dollar amounts!!!

More Notes

• For someone armed with a camera, there's incredible and almost infinite beauty to be seen in cold, foggy December evenings!! ..... They're talking possible snow and/or freezing rain for Christmas Eve and I think: "Photo ops."
• I usually don't give a rats azzz about keeping my cell phone charged but since I am expecting the arrival of a couple new pairs of bi-focals and since I am tired of looking through the hazy and scratched lenses of my current pair .... 
• Who knew that reorganizing bookcases could be so fun!!
• I really hate it when I go all morning (this morning) thinking (feeling certain and without question) that it was Friday ..... I just realized as noon approaches, that it is in fact Saturday around these parts.
• More hate .... When you're sitting inside and you hear a car start up outside and wonder if it's yours?
• It must be universal. Every antique shop I've even been in, as I approach the cash register they say: "What did you find?"

Wondering ....

I was the first born and named after my dad but the way things worked out, my two brothers are more like my dad than I ever was. My Father passed away when I was twenty-one years old. I'm now rapidly closing in on the age where he was when he died. He was from a different generation ..... That generation who in their prime youth years, had World War II thrust at them. In their twenties. I think later as parents they had certain expectations for their children that maybe are not so common today. Maybe hoping that their children would follow in their footsteps.

I occasionally wonder what he'd think of me all these years later? I always thought that he wished I had more interest in the things that he exposed me to as a kid. For example, hunting .... But I never understood hunting as a recreational activity. I went in a different direction. I wonder if initially anyway, he'd have been okay with that?

Anniversary

Wow! A couple days ago was the 36th anniversary of my marriage that only saw two such actual observing's. With each passing date, I wonder if the 'ex' remembers on that historic day? Maybe if for only a moment? Once or twice I've forgotten on the actual day but remembered on the day after. Being remembered is always preferable to the alternative, even if you are only a small piece of another person's obscure and possibly revisionist history.

Thirty-six years sure doesn't seem possible but I did make the count on my fingers and toes. So I imagine that it's correct, give or take a year. Like looking back on everything else in life, that time seems to have gone by in a flash.

I was laughing with my oldest friend just the other day .... or was it two years ago? ..... how when we were young and in grade school, it felt like two or three years was three or four generations in passing but at our present age, all our accumulated sixty-ish years have felt like a few quick moments flashing by. Time is possibly the ultimate illusion.

Downtown

Downtown Salem has changed significantly in the past ten years, becoming more vertical. Certainly not New York City skyscraper vertical, not even Portland vertical but you definitely notice the changes while driving over the river into downtown.

There's still quite a ways to go. My wish list? ..... I'm a holdout, endlessly hoping for a return to the days of multiple record stores and bookstores. A lost cause that I can't abandon or shake. A couple art galleries with staying power would be nice. (It seems like every time one pops up, within a year, it's gone.) More murals, event postings and alternative newspapers also. Food carts? (weather permitting) .... Yeah I'd vote for that! Better quality live music and more music in the street and alleys type of events. More places to sit and a specific public gathering spot. People walking around in the evenings. That's my vision of a great downtown core. Before I pass away if possible.

There's obviously more going on compared to the past. Evidenced by the increased difficulty in finding a random parking spot on a ordinary weekday. I'm just needing to become more hip to the scene.

Life Callings

While purchasing a few volumes of poetry found at the "Friends Store" of the public library, the lady minding the cash register asked me if I write poetry? Fearing that she was going to ask me for an example ..... "No not really, a little bit, not very well, but I try."

I spoke those words as one sentence without the commas!

I can't sing or write songs. I can't draw. I sure can't dance or paint. But I do actually think I could become an accomplished poet .... That is if I had the dedication, commitment, fearlessness and intensity!! But if I was possessing of those qualities, I also think I could be a mediocre but serviceable professional basketball player. Even at going on age 62. Because I do feel the passion! I do have that aspect covered!!

Just possibly more so for the works of others.

Doesn't everyone feel some sort of calling in life? It's just louder and more necessary for some people. And more identifiable for some. And sometimes you end up settling for less. Not that I think there's anything wrong with that.
____________________________________________________

I see these homeless people around town on cold evenings like tonight. I think that may be the main reason that I can't settle on an age for a retirement goal. I'm scared to death of somehow losing my pension and social security benefits and ending up in the same homeless situation. So I just keep planning on going to work each day, while all around me, people my age have retired, are in the process of retiring or have a definite retirement time that they are moving towards.

What To Do?

Without naming names and getting specific about things I really have no clue about ......

Someone far away, someone who always pushed me away in the past, seems to need help and I'd like to help if I could but when they are so far away and the person always seems to have some sort of conflict happening that they are consistently vague about and you don't really know what's going on ..... and when you've been played, lied to and burned bigtime before by what seems like an almost identical situation that had your head in a screwed up state that took quite a awhile to recover from and stole two or three years from your life (and a good chunk of money) and when you can still clearly remember the moment of realization that you've been taken advantage of .... those factors cause you to be very wary and step away from the potential chaos.

It took most of a lifetime but I've learned lessons about being too naïve and trusting. I struggle now with what I should do and what my beliefs might ask me to do. I don't think I should blindly jump into something where I get screwed over again. God I hate to say this but I sense there's insanity involved here and the person needs to seek and accept local assistance. I see angry vague statements and accusations and wonder what the hell the truth is?

Earthquake!!

Supposedly we had an earthquake today. A 4.0 shaking centered about 20-25 miles northeast of here. Local people claiming that they felt it .... but much UNLIKE the 1993 quake in the same area, I didn't feel a thing.

It does make you think and wonder about the predicted "big one" though, which I'm hoping not to be around for. And that's not to say that I don't want to be around for another hundred years or so.

FIGHT!!!

A dream where I was fighting three guys over some vague issue with my car. (Maybe they didn't approve of my color selection?) Not putting this into my recent "Bad Dreams Series" .... especially since I handled the three dudes with relative ease (Let that be a warning to any trio of wannabe bad ass wussies out there looking to pick a fight) but one where I awoke feeling like I'd been in a fight. (I must have been thrashing around on the couch.) Not that I'd have an idea in real life what that feels like since I've never been in anything more than a couple wrestling matches, but I definitely was feeling like I'd been through something wild and semi-rough upon awakening .... and at least my self esteem wasn't at a new low like with those "bad dreams.".

Hoops These Days

You don't see it much in this era of guard and small forward dominated "small ball" basketball but I still love a good old fashioned matchup of seven footers. Like Joel Embiid and Karl Anthony Towns!! While neither hangs out exclusively in the key area it's still fun to watch a couple skillful big guys go at it.

Years ago, at some youth level, development of the big guys became a secondary priority. You just don't see much back-to-the-basket offensive moves these days. Footwork is not stressed as much. It's like they are just wanted as defenders close to the basket and rebounders. Any offensive game from a seven footer becomes a bonus.

I wonder what Hakeem Olajuwon, Wilt Chamberlain or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would say if their guards were chucking up the majority of the shots and they were just expected to clean up the misses? I'm pretty sure there would be some sudden game plan adjustments.

Sunday Evening Notes

A week of vacation ahead! No plans but giddy about possibilities. That possibly includes epic amounts of catch-up sleep.

Last night, another in the series of bad dreams that I've been experiencing. Why? I have my suspicions as to their origins but still, Why? How or where do I find a resolution? It's not good enough any longer to awaken and realize that it's only a dream. The effects are lingering for increasing minutes.

It's funny how a late evening hot shower and splashing on a little cologne always causes me to feel better about life. It also boosts the self-esteem that's been taking regular hits from those bad dreams. Maybe I need to invest in an industrial size bottle of cologne?

If I had an additional room where I live, it would be a reading room ..... Though it would also have a wall of record players and turntables. And maybe that graphic equalizer residing in my closet. I like how it lights up. Even when not in use.

Sometimes I look around and picture all that is now missing from previous decades and the world I once knew. Vanished people and places and it rarely feels like it was for the better.

Quality Stuff

You find these labels in books and music that seem to produce only releases of the highest quality. From the actual recorded or printed material to the visual artwork presented and down to the most minor details. Like Copper Canyon Press for poetry and Blue Note Records for classic jazz. Every effort is total quality. Nothing seems to be overlooked. There's little need for sound samples and reviews. You feel excitement when you spot their trademark. There's a feeling of not taking chances with your money.

Maybe it has to do with focusing on and specializing in one thing? ..... Copper Canyon Press (Bonus points for being Pacific Northwest based) is just concerned with poetry. No fiction, no biographies, etc..

Or maybe it's a genuine and deep passion for what they're doing? That much is obvious!!

Insanity and Mood Swings

The recent insanity at work seems to be making me younger. At least in my legs. I seem to be moving around better and with greater endurance than anytime in the last three or four years. Knees, ankles and feet all feeling good!!

As far as moods and attitude goes ..... that's a completely different story. I seem to be growing grumpy old man grouchier by the day. But that's mostly due to having a lack of information being passed along combined with very little time for preparation. It starts weighing on a persons attitude when each day is spent blindly sifting through whatever you can find and assume to figure what's been done and where we need to continue on and/or start out.

OK that's my complaint for the week. Just one more workday and then I'm on vacation for a week and still armed with five additional days of vacation to use before the end of the month/year. Factor in weekends and Christmas and I can visualize a dramatic mood swing coming up.

Of course there's no greater mood swing than that moment when you get into your car to go home. That is, as long as your windshield isn't iced up.

Baseball Card Collection Blues

Ok this is going to need some dream interpretation ..... I'm driving down the road, passing by a park, a park which was the location of many of my real life youthful adventures. The skies are ominously dark and about to open up with rain. I look out the window of my car and see my entire baseball card collection lying on the ground with a 1965 Mickey Mantle card .... (which I'm not even sure I have, though the '65 Topps set has always been one of my favorite card designs) ..... this specific card standing out on top of the pile. How I could recognize this card from fifty yards away while driving by at 30-40mph is not clear. I'm unable to stop and gather up the cards as I'm running late for work. (Am I really that dedicated to work and my perfect attendance bonus?)

One side note oddity among this massive oddity. I was able to reach out the window and grab ten or fifteen cards as I drove by (not sure how) ..... suggesting that maybe I possess the same Mr. Stretch super powers as Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame. This is this about the point where I woke up and breathed a sigh of relief. I have no recollection of what happened before this five or ten second dream snippet ..... or maybe that was the entire dream?

I'm not sure if this dream qualifies as a nightmare. Though it certainly qualifies as weird.

Seasonal Transition

Apparently numerical day-wise it's not official yet but as far as I'm concerned, you can call it Winter now. You can walk outside at any given moment over the past week and there's not a single indicator in the air that suggests even a fading hint of Autumn. No snow here but the sudden presence of upper 30's and lower 40's  feels like a 'cutting through you' cold (yesterday it was a wet-cold) and it lasts around the clock.

There's still a few holdout, rebellious leafs on the random tree and you still see the occasional dude in a t-shirt and shorts but other than that .....

The majority of the fallen leafs have been power blown away. My heating bill is rising faster than I can put on another layer of clothing. There's a chill coming up through the pavement into my feet. It seems to be getting dark each day, just as I am feeling ready to venture out-and-about. And I've been searching for that comforting winter coat .... which I evidently once again forgot to purchase.

Even the poetry that I've read lately seems to advocate for Winters arrival.

So why attempt to deny the inevitable any longer?

Continuing Thoughts on Recent Dreams

I don't know what's wrong with me lately? I don't know what's going on? I've have these dreams recently where I'm standing there in the end, totally humiliated or left feeling totally alone in the world ..... and then I wake up and it's such a relief to know that in real life I'm not quite stuck in such dire circumstances.

But I still feel drained in a way. Like everything enjoyable has been torn away from me for that moment and even though it's just a dream, there's still a very real recovery process that takes place.

And then after a while .... and several of these dreams .... you begin to wonder if maybe it's more than just some random, strange dreams .... if maybe it goes deeper than all that? I know that in the last five years, I've been 'trending' toward hermit status but while it bothers me somewhat, I haven't found it too terribly horrific or paralyzing or anything. It's just the way it is with surrounding life events, circumstances and life transitions. Anyway, that's how I thought I was looking at it.

Bits of a Fit

I purchased a Fit Bit. I've been trying but so far unable to catch it in a lie. It says that I've taken 15,550 steps today. I have no reason to doubt its accuracy other than I would have never guessed such a high number. Every time that I've attempted to monitor its performance, it's appeared to be tabulating correctly.

Heck if it wasn't so chilly outside tonight, I'd make a late push for the 20,000 step day. I still have twenty minutes as I type. If I tried to reach that mark indoors, I'm afraid that I'd eventually pass by the kitchen and abandon my heroic efforts in lieu of a late evening snack.

It also monitors my sleep (which kind of freaks me out a little). I have my suspicions in this area of my performance patterns but still like the idea of having graphs and charts to gaze upon and ponder over.

Post-Thanksgiving Day Notes

• Why is it that I can't drive over the bridges between downtown Salem and West Salem without thinking "earthquake!" .... as in: is this when the big one is going to hit!!? It's one of my fears. I don't want to be over a river when the shaking starts.
• I'm obsessed lately with searching out books of poetry. Also with taking pictures. I always wondered what would take the place of playing basketball when it came to my recreation time. 
• Once again observed my favorite holiday .... Record Store Day, Black Friday edition. Came away with a ten-inch Son Volt EP and a live John Lee Hooker release. ..... (RANDOM ACT of KINDNESS alert!!!) The store owner then handed me a complimentary live Dawes double record. I don't know much about them but I seem to recall a Jackson Browne connection of some sort. As in he's been attempting to get the word out about them.
• I'm amazed at how you can have a perfectly beautiful day (yesterday) followed by an incredibly dreary day (today). I've always wanted to see the actual atmospheric separation point.
• "I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man!" .... Heard that twice now the past few days. I'm going to have to get a copy of True Grit.
• Re-connected with an old friend a few days ago. It had been at least fifteen years, maybe twenty but I still feel surprise at how much his life has changed in that time. Things they've been through that I had no or little idea of. And resultantly I feel more appreciative of the lack of change in my own.
• So many bands that have been around for decades that I know nothing about. Incredible when you consider how much money, research and time that I've spent on collecting music over the years.

My World

A day away from work, sleeping late, finding a new book of poems, a new/old vinyl record, a newly released compact disc and strolling about taking photos .... that's a very good day in my estimation. And I'll probably mix in a movie as a bonus!

• The Book: "The Evening Light" by Floyd Skloot (An Oregon poet)
• The Vinyl: "The New Folk Sound of Terry Callier" (from 1968)
• The Compact Disc: "Fake Nudes" by Barenaked Ladies
• Movie: "No Highway In the Sky" (1951 film with James Stewart)

Crash and Burn

Computers and phones down at work for the past three days. The result of a virus that got loose in the system. No one can call in for an appointment and we can't call out. It hasn't reached the point where we've been asked to use personal cell phones for company business though I'm sure it's been considered by now. Probably because we also can't access product information to set-up and process orders. It's beginning to feel like we are working in the dark. Doing what we can with technology from a century or two in the past. There's surely going to be a crazy insane day or two ahead of catch-up once things get up and running.

So once again circumstances are lining up for me to feel guilty about being absent during the vacation time I already had scheduled for Tuesday and Wednesday next week .... the days leading up to Thanksgiving.

And I'm told that conditions are ripe for this or other system failures to happen again before we switch over to a new system sometime next year. Hopefully much brighter people than I will have a plan in place for as-near-to-normal-as-possible, continued operations in the event that there is a repeat performance.

In the meantime, my head has been on constant spin cycle the past three days attempting to document and keep information semi-organized as much as possible. It's times like this that I wish I possessed perfect penmanship and totally error free mathematics and documentation skills. I'd say, "no typos" but there's no computer keyboards in use. Calculators are only as good as my aging fat fingers taking up the physical space of one and a quarter calculator keys and moving too fast as they attempt to keep pace with my random thought processes, will allow.

Photo Madness

I love capturing certain types of images with my camera .... people making music, snow, reflections, visuals of moving water or the relation of trees to the sky or birds in the sky or the moon and clouds .... just a few examples.

I keep returning to the same places looking for those images, hoping to find something just a little different or slightly unique from what I've captured previously. Maybe it's as simple as a different shade of gray or the inclusion of fog to an image. Just small things but I certainly wouldn't turn my head (and camera) away from drastic differences. It's becoming an obsession of sorts and I enjoy the hell out of my attempts to capture the perfect image. Though I doubt I will ever be totally satisfied. Because there's always potential tomorrow for something never seen before.

Most people fail to understand my degree of enjoyment. It took over fifty years before I began to understand. Something about a search for perfection in always changing images and circumstances that you know has infinite possibilities and no conclusion. You find one visual that you feel good about and it causes (or calls) you to seek more and better. There's a joy and freedom in this search that I used to feel when playing basketball. And so far this joy and excitement has only grown stronger!! To the point where I'm beginning to feel a daily calling and satisfaction in finding an image worthy in my eyes of documenting.

Dreams

I've had three or four related dreams the past month or two where I'm running off old friends and I can't seem to avoid making it worse with each word I mutter. It's getting to be bothersome. It's like the first time I snapped out if it and woke up thinking: "OK that was a bad dream but it's not real and I'm OK" but then after the second or third dream I've reached a point like: "What the hell is going on here?" It's a huge relief when I awake and realize where I am. But it has become a little unsettling. It takes awhile before I'm ready to close my eyes again.

And even though it's only a dream, it's certainly not good for the self-esteem. I wake up wondering if I really have any friends remaining? If only we could end or reverse the bad dreams on demand!

Those Vacation Blues

I hate this feeling that I sometimes experience while on vacation from work that I'm not doing something that I should be doing. I'm pretty sure that my co-workers don't struggle with this when they take vacation time. It's like I have to be told to stay home in order to feel good about not being there. If it's an absence of my own choosing and I know others are likely having to do extra in my place then there's a little guilt involved. Hopefully I'll conquer it by the time that retirement comes around.

So tomorrow I return to work .... and I can feel good about my life again.

Movie Time

Another late evening of classic older movies, this time with a Western theme. "Wichita" and "The Hangman." I think both are from the 1950's.

Also "The Woman On Pier 13."  ..... for my 1949 spy thriller kind of mood.

I occasionally try watching the newer stuff but usually turn away quickly with little interest. I'm certainly no prude but I just don't care for all the swearing. It's the same in the real life world. In moderation is one thing. But I just don't care to be around people employing foul language in excess. I don't understand why it's needed.

Sometimes the use of a strategically placed swear word makes your thoughts a slight bit funnier or helps emphasize attempts at making a point and sometimes it simply slips out of one's mouth before it can be stopped but other than that ..... 

Making the Return

One thing I hate to do .... Return purchased merchandise. I feel like they are looking at me and whispering among themselves wondering why the hell I bought it in the first place? I'm wondering the same myself. Not sure why I care? And I always feel like I need to explain. But sometimes you just need to find your assertive self. Because I'm just not much of a fan of obvious gay men's poetry. Sometimes it suddenly appears, my practice of previewing two or three random lines of a book is not such a reliable way to make a decision to purchase. So I made the return for another book selection. And it wasn't as painful as feared. I feel a measure of satisfaction now, which sure wasn't the case last night upon expanded comprehension. And also satisfaction regarding when it comes to getting what I want because it's my usual MO to just let it go,

Fall Back

What am I going to do with the extra hour? .....

Survived another "Fall Back" with three old movies. First time watching the 1933 classic, "The Invisible Man." It just feels like it belongs in that Saturday night, 3am time slot with those Frankenstein and Mummy movies watched many years ago. It creeped me out in that 1930's, black and white horror film kind of way. Something about a guy with strips of (seemingly) dirty cloth covering his face who possesses an insane laugh. Several times I felt the need to turn away but had to balance that with curiosity and needing to know how the coppers solved the invisibility issue. Hmmmmm..... footprints in the snow. I'd like to think that would have eventually dawned on me as well.

Also watched "The Leopard Man" from 1943. A fascinating time for me knowing that World War II was going on as they made the film and from 1950, "King Solomon's Mines." Who needs new releases anyway!!

The Mile

What would be a good time for a mile run for a sixty-one year old who refuses to run anywhere any more and who hasn't run in years? Had a dream that I did it in exactly six minutes. Wondering if that's exclamation point worthy? I want to shout: "YES!!!" ..... But I fear someone will come along and point out that six minutes is good for a guy with one leg or a guy in a wheelchair.

In the same dream, after I huffed and puffed my way through that mile, I magically ended up in Tennessee and the person I went to see, became angry and left me on my own in a foreign land. I went from joy at my mile time to bummer in mere seconds.

The Winding Down

The end of a processing season at work always has a surreal feel to it. People changing shifts, working short shifts, people being laid off, people coming and going for various reasons, returning gear, sharing future plans, laughs and smiles you usually don't see, saying their goodbyes for the year. Many you'll see again during the spring or next season, others that you will never see again. Areas of the building where there's been constant activity for months suddenly silent and appearing deserted.

At the start of each season it all looks so daunting. Mid-June through October, so insanely crazy!! Suddenly it reaches that point where it quickly winds down, I kind of stand back and think to myself: "WOW!! We did it again. We made it through another one." All the 24-hour hectic activity we've experienced, all the wondering how we are going to get things done, all the heightened emotions and exchanges between people feeling stressed  ..... and now it's so quiet. And it's just such a strange feeling .... Like, "What do I do now?"

Street Corner

Ever return to the street corner of a business (record store) that you frequented for countless hours of your youth but that to the best of your knowledge, you haven't stood on in close to thirty years? Then stand and soak in the rush of memories and emotions experienced long ago when those records you searched for were such a huge part of your life?

Photo Ops

I'm not sure, I may have mentioned this before ......

I can be out and taking photos and be mostly unsatisfied with the first fifty pictures that I take and ready to give it up for the day, then suddenly take one that I really like and instantly receive renewal and get fired up about the possibilities of the next fifty.

You never know the image that is just five or ten seconds away from presenting itself. Especially if you decide there's nothing present to be seen and walk away in frustration and resignation. You have to have eyes open, be available and ready, because it may only last for a second or two. Ears open also .... sounds can alert you to developing possibilities.

I guess it's a little like the shooter's mentality in basketball. You may miss ten jump shots in a row but if you quit shooting, you'll never know if maybe you might have made the next five .... or even ten if you get in "the zone."

Out and About

Out for a walk in Bush Park and downtown Salem on a glorious Autumn late afternoon/early evening full of colors, shadows, people and infinite surrounding atmosphere. A church bell in the distance informing of the hour. About as good as that time of day can get. Enjoy it all before it all ends with the inevitable arrival of more Winter-ish weather, people hunkered down in their houses and the trees void of leafs.

October by far, is my favorite month of the year.

Afterwards, the continuing search for poetry. It might not be the best method of evaluation and judging a book but I can read a random line from two or three poems and make the decision to purchase or not. That's all that I need to provide a feel of the subject matter and if the author uses words in a way that draws me in and intensifies my interest. If there's no interest after reading a few chance lines, it likely won't help to read further.

And while I don't care much for dense and complicated, I also turn away from overly simplistic.

Something else ..... and I know it's purely cosmetic, but the type/style/size of print that is used on the pages is also a major factor. Along with images used and the design of the front and back book covers. Want to get me to place a book back on the shelf after reading three or four words? ..... Employ large or over-sized print. It's a turnoff!!

Such Is Life on Graveyard Shift

Graveyard shift again .....

I was hoping it was Friday but I guess it's actually only Thursday. But at least it's not Wednesday. And I'm not absolutely sure about any of this. And I need more sleep. Reminding me that I'm not so young anymore.

Update

Update from yesterday:

I asked four different persons of varying credibility what they know or have heard. People who have contact with other people who might have contact with multiple shadowy anonymous sources  .....

Big mistake!! Each person first stated that they really don't know how things went down but then after pausing briefly, proceeded to give four different stories/theories. None matching the initial theory either. All making for very interesting listening but resulting in even more confusion. And I haven't yet approached rumor monger number one. (Probably rumor monger number two in some peoples rankings but number one in my mind.)

This is all reminding me of my early days as a naive Catholic grade school boy and certain mysteries of faith that we were not supposed to ask questions about and to know or understand the why, just to accept as absolute truth.

But I'm the kind of guy that always wants to know the bottom line why!!! Probably why I had such major issues with high school geometry class and all those stinking theorems. If I can't comprehend why, then I've always tended (or trended) to shut it down and tune it out in my mind. Hey I can't help how I was born.

The Purge

The purge seemingly continues  .......

Another from the upper management core has left the company. Seems to be a trend over the past year. Seems like there's an email announcement every few weeks .... the notice that someone has left. And when it says: "effective immediately" .... well that doesn't sound like the person's parting was their own decision or even a mutual decision. Sounds like he was told to clear out your office and be off the property by noon. This has the feeling of drastic stuff!!

This one a surprise because I thought he was one of the companies brighter minds and that they would want to keep him around. He had moved into his position much quicker than the usual course taken. He was still young and energetic. You'd regularly see him around even though his office was ten miles away. His presence caused me to feel good about the future of the company. He had connections to the long time old family ruling school, that has faded away of late, but also represented new thought and new ideas. That's my impression anyway from what I'd observed the last ten years.

No one seems to know why. Or if they do, they're not saying. There was one rumor that I heard that made no sense. That he was asked to work on a Saturday and didn't come in. If true, I would think that would merit a don't do it again type of warning and a slap on the wrist but not a sudden dismissal. But then I'm not really keyed into the inner workings of the managerial world. I would think that he would be smart enough not to risk losing his job over a day of coming into work if actual loss of that job was the consequence. It's not like working on the weekend is an unexpected request in this company. So I can't believe this rumor.

I've been trying to resist but I guess I will have to go to both of the two official sources of dozens of crazy and unfounded rumors over the years, that never came to fruition .... just to see what they "know?" It's usually some form of alternate reality. At the very least it should be interesting to hear their thoughts and conspiracy theories. And maybe one of them actually has the inside scoop this time.

Some Days

Some days I just want to sit down with a book and read.

Some days I want to put 1970's vinyl on the turntable, turn up the volume and hope to recapture feelings from much younger times.

Some days I want to wander around town, with camera in hand and attempt to find a magical image.

Other days I just want to drift off to sleep with an old movie.

There are days where I want to write great poetry.

And there are days where I want to lace up my shoes, pick up a basketball and see if I can still nail a long jump shot.

Memories Returning

The rain this weekend has me remembering the conclusion of several youth soccer seasons of years past .... It could be weeks of beautiful Autumn conditions but that last day was always a preview of the onset of a Western Oregon winter. An all day affair of standing in the rain and wind. No hiding or protection from the elements. Long after everyone had departed for the warmth of indoors and dry clothing, still standing out there, with not so subtle hints of early evening darkness rapidly approaching, alone and gathering up wet program equipment. Picking up the personal belongings of others and the trash left behind. Soaked, shaking and chilled to the bone. Once home, unable to turn up the shower water to where it was hot enough. A deep chill that would be sensed for months afterwards. A sensation that can still be felt when I stop and remember those days. It's not a memory that I look back on fondly.

A parents expression of appreciation for your efforts often helped warm me up for a moment or two. The reaction to a child's smile would last a bit longer. But at the very end of those "rain event" days, all that remained was that chill, which became more difficult to bear with each year of age. And despite all my thoughts and promises to the inner voices of never again, it took the eventual elimination of the youth program to keep me from returning for more.

There was a group of us who accepted all this. I suppose it was dedication to a cause and all that. It had to be more than just a paycheck. I think we felt a bit of pride in this youth program that for years we helped to shape and carry out.

Teresa

Again with the R-word. A longtime co-worker retired today. I'm left with mixed feelings. I'm sincerely happy for her as she really felt it was time ... She kept mentioning how tired she is .... but I'll miss her very much. There's not many of us long timers remaining and as each one walks away, I feel more and more alone in that place. Especially when it's someone that I consider a friend.

She was one of the rare ones. Rarely getting involved in the rumors, personal battles and petty jealousies that constantly swirl around. She just showed up, tried to do her job and get along with everyone. She didn't care about all the other stuff, which is why I enjoyed being around her.

I've known this was coming for the past few months, ever since it became general knowledge. Though it was a surprise to me because she's still in her early 60's and I had no clue that she had been pondering this. When that final day arrives, it must feels so strange. I can't explain. It must be incredibly difficult to empty out your locker, turn items in, gather up your possessions, say your goodbyes, scan out and walk away on that final day. It's been a huge part of your life for over forty years and suddenly it's all over. And the emotions that have never been experienced before. Wanting (I assume) to smile, laugh and cry all at the same time. It might be easier to get yourself fired.

Weird Ideas

Why do I think it would be romantic to wake up a 3:00am and go for a walk in the rain?

For the past year or so I've had these strange thoughts almost nightly before falling asleep (like it's relaxing and a sleep aide or something) about small groups of people banding together in apocalyptic times for survival in the outdoors. Like how we would set up shelter? How we'd provide security from any threats? Another very visual image that for some reason I've started seeing as intriguing. I think it may have something to do with watching movies like, "The Birds," or "On The Beach" or "Lifeboat." So maybe it's Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kramer's fault?

Sometimes I find myself actually looking forward to going into work just so I can get the eight hours in hell over with and get to the start of the next period of sixteen hours away from the place.

Often times, my idea of redecorating and changing the feel of things is moving an object an inch or two to the left.

I've heard it said before that the city of Keizer was built on one big ant hill. About twice a year I have an invasion of ants. Sometimes I wonder if due to my efforts at eradication, if Billy, Frank, Harry and Donald ants and mates fail to return to their homes after a day on the town visiting my kitchen counter, if maybe the other bazillion-odd ants in the colony will take notice and move on down the street?

Random Thought

Without mentioning specifics (and don't bother to ask) .... I'm thinking much of the time that it's only myself but I suppose just about everyone has embarrassing little personal issues and problems that they hide from the onlookers of the world and go to great lengths to keep hidden. Especially as they get older. Why can't we all just be total perfection and the definition of dignified all of the time?

Insane Morning Radio

A pet peeve? One thing that I hate? ..... Cutesy little yuppie-ish FM radio morning shows for the latte sipping, "contemporary adult " listening community. Deejays attempting way too hard to to sound bright, hip and energetic at 6:00am with incredibly inane chatter between songs. Nothing makes me rush to change the station quicker. Why don't they just talk about the music instead in a more relaxed and educated tone. No talk at all would be preferable.

You'd think there would be some sort of paid listener or management stooge who would tune in daily and relay how lame and overly sweet that they sound .... How they are bordering on causing road rage.  "They" because there's always two voices assigned to this programming to enhance the supposed witty exchanges and listening experience for the modern adult.

Questions

I rarely speak or post anything on politics and faith because I think those are such personal beliefs and mostly to be respected by others but sometimes you feel the need to say certain things.

For all the conservative trump supporters who also call themselves Christians, what do they really think that Jesus would say about some of the talk and thoughts that come out of his mouth? Do they genuinely think that Jesus would agree with it all? Banning people, insulting people, initiating war on nations and everything else? Regardless of what those people or their leaders may have previously said or done, would the Jesus they claim to believe in, respond in that manner? With violence, hate, greed, arrogance, revenge, etc.? Can they honestly and sincerely say that he would? Because if so, that's a different Jesus than the one I've always heard about. And I hesitate to say even that much because I don't claim to know much about anything and surely don't want to speak for Jesus .....  but I only go off what is being thrown out there lately and what I feel in my soul is so wrong.

A Senior and a Sir

I was scooping some mashed potatoes and gravy onto my plate in the buffet line (I don't go very often these days since I've been overcome with a hand washing obsession) and the girl next to me (she had to be around ten years old) turned my way and said: "How are you sir?"  I was surprised and impressed almost to the point of being knocked down speechless but I did manage to reply that I was good and to ask how she was doing. This kid certainly made my day!!!

Maybe she was within the sound of my voice distance a minute or two earlier when I most proudly informed the cashier (who also called me "sir") of my senior citizen status? Gotta claim those applicable well deserved discounts.

And to think .... there was a time, not all that long ago, when I hated people referring to me as "sir." Now it feels like a warm and fuzzy, gesture of sincere respect moment.

Honest Effort

I work with some people who show up for work every day and always give an honest and quality effort without making noise about it. That impresses the hell out of me. It would be easy to have days where you slack off and just don't care about making a true effort. But they refuse to let that happen. It's a pride and dignity issue for them. Do the best you can each day. Instill the same in your children. In the end, when you pause and look back at your life, you know it was all worth it!!! There must be an incredible feeling of satisfaction. You made the world a little better and there's probably someone who noticed your efforts and is following your example. You can't buy that sense of accomplishment.

Life and (Sudden) Death

Drove by the spot where only a few days ago a drunk driver collided head on with a lady and her four children, killing them all. As I passed by the spot marked with flowers on the side of the road. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the lady's mind, at the instant that she approached this spot on a curve, from a quarter mile away, unsuspecting what was just a few seconds ahead.

You wake up, go about your day, laugh a little, enjoy a meal, have hopes for tomorrow, while behind it all, time is silently and relentlessly counting down, your time remaining decreasing with each second that goes by and then suddenly you reach that point where with no warning and due to another's arrogance and stupidity, your life is over.

And any one of us could be going through that same process at any given moment.

Notes

• I've no idea what their music sounds like but I sure like the name .... King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard. They (actually I don't know if it's a band or a duo) have a new album being released tomorrow. How could I not check it out?
• Each day I appreciate the arts a little more .... Paintings, writing, photography, music. But especially films and movies. And my own efforts at creating something, in writing and photography are especially enjoyable. To paraphrase something I once read: Don't concern yourself over if it's good or not, just create. Create something new. 
• Amazed at the clouds this afternoon. Later I read that there was a tornado a few miles away at about that same time. It's a wild Autumn.  
• A dream last night with a beautiful woman who had interest in me. But now I can't recall her face. It's funny how those kind of dreams are almost enough. How they almost take the place of real life relationships. Almost.
• Aromatherapy does not provide much in the way of positive therapy when you drop and spill the contents of the diffuser. 

Reunion

I need to get over my fear of some things. Like a middle school reunion. They held one this weekend. Forty-six years it's been!! I always look at such numbers and think in terms of half a century. Anyway .... Why do I worry that I'm too overweight or too bald or just not cool enough for these people? But that's my issue that I need to conquer. None of us, to the best of my knowledge, have managed to avoid the passing of time and the aging process. It's not like it's going to be one old geeky man hanging out with a bunch of cool teenagers. Well unless I get confused and lost with directions and show up at the wrong event.

They're planning another get together for next summer. So I have a little time to work on self esteem and such. As much as I proclaim beforehand that I'm not interested, I really am interested.

Saturday Into Sunday Notes, Musings and Various Stuff

• The older I get, the more I enjoy music that I previously associated with the tastes of my parents generation. Today I found a Count Basie recording, "Chairman of the Board." Big Band Jazz from the 1950's. Swinging good tunes!!!
• For tonight anyway .... I never want to eat Chinese food again!! OD'd on the stuff.
• Don't you hate it when you highly anticipate an event and expend all sorts of energy to get to the event location before it's too late, only to discover that it's actually taking place next weekend. I suppose I should be happy that it wasn't last weekend but high expectations denied leads to major bummers regardless of the status.
• At work this afternoon, listening to conspiracy theories from the paranoid fringe. No not television or radio but from the mind of a co-worker.
• How many different cologne's does the average man have? There's eight on my dresser. I mean, I don't want to come across as anything less than a super hunky studly semi-sensitive macho man .... but I've become a lover of scents. And while the odds of ever spotting me in a suit and tie are pretty much slim and none, the chances of catching a whiff of cologne as I pass by are pretty good.
• I wanted to scream and jump up and down for joy when the Yankees pounded the leagues best pitcher and took a 8-3 lead in game two of the ALDS the other night and maybe even do a little this-game-is-in-the-bag gloating but elected to keep quiet and lay low instead .... good thing I guess. They ended up losing, 9-8.
• My life isn't overly exciting. I've accepted that it is what it is. But I do want to make at least one or two more trips to the Oregon coast before it ends. 
• I always check for spiders before putting on my slippers. 
• I'm not one who cares much for fiction in my reading. Though I do enjoy a nice collection of short stories. My library consists mostly of poetry, history, essays, books on music and musicians, etc ...

Revisiting The R Word

Maybe I am pondering retirement. Even early retirement. Found myself today organizing all the social security and pension statements that I've received over the years. Creating separate file folders even. Pondering how much I'll receive and what I'd feel comfortable with.

From the R word not even being a consideration not too long ago to where I am now ..... it's quite a change in thought. It's like every day lately, I feel like I'm being driven just a little closer by circumstances, towards making the decision. And I sure don't want to die feeling this way. I want to experience freedom for a few years anyway.

If there wasn't paperwork, notifications and other formalities involved, I very well might have made the decision at several different moments this past week. A person in their sixties ought to have the right to make the declaration at any given time, tell off a person or two (generally the causes of the issues causing one to want to walk away) and just go home. With the benefits they've earned following close behind.

October Already

• Wow!! October already!
• Tom Petty died today. It catches your attention when it's a longtime personal favorite who is close to you in age. Suddenly it's like, if it could happen to him ..... Three/fifths of The Traveling Wilburys have now passed. Time to stop hoping for the band to get back together.
• Someone accepted my friend request on Facebook today. Problem is, I don't recall sending the request. But you can never have too many friends right? Especially when you've been noticeably lacking in that area in recent years.
• The act of getting up each day and heading off to work isn't really what's driving me closer to retirement. It's the days like today where you feel like you are being pulled in and from all directions.
• It feels like an incense burning evening.
• Matching up socks fresh from the dryer becomes pretty simplified when all you wear is same brand, ankle high, navy blue. Especially after you pass the point where you can tell the difference between the newer and older socks.

Photo Bombing

Too much thought beforehand is not always a good thing. I'm finding that most of the photos that I take that I end up feeling especially good about are not planned out but instead images that I just happen to cross paths with and just have a few seconds to capture.

I guess that's an argument for going out and about every day with eyes and mind open, because you just never know what might present itself at any given moment.

Autumn Evening

I love evening Autumn showers. They provide a unique emotion in my soul. Something I can feel beyond just the physical sensation of water contacting skin. The fact that it's happening in the evening is especially important for this particular experience. It enhances my appreciation for what's going on.

Friday Notes

• It's amazing to be at an age where many of the musicians and bands that I grew up following have become legends and members of the Rock-and-Roll Hall Of Fame but I can recall when they were young and much lesser known. Or even unknown. Where I can remember their classic records as being new and full of mystery and excitement upon their release. Where I'm given shivers by simply visualizing the album cover. Where you had no idea of their eventual place in music history and culture.
• The moon tonight ..... 
  
  Stunning and bright. Autumn has arrived!! The seasonal difference can be felt in the evening breeze. It can be heard in the trees. Or seen in the sky. For some it's a renewal of hope. 
• A longtime respected management person in her final day today. She's leaving for another job, another company. She arrived years ago at a time where a different management style was badly needed. Replacing a style that had fostered major resentment and distrust. I'm a little sad to see her go. You appreciate honesty, fairness and stability.
• Overheard ..... "Everyone likes broccoli." ..... An extremely WRONG thing to loudly proclaim!! You just crossed paths with one of the exceptions to your rule.
• "If I could, I would." A thought that suddenly entered my mind while thinking about recent dreams. Not sure what it applies to.
• A late evening drive through the neighborhood I grew up in. Everything seems darker than remembered. The streets seem narrower but longer and lacking any sign of activity. There's no one out for a walk. It kind of feels like the movie, "On the Beach" where the buildings and cars are still there but the people are missing.

Rookie Mistake

A trip to the post office today in search of a couple stamps seen on the USPS website. John Kennedy and the recent solar eclipse commemorative's. Apparently I need to be more specific in my requests. I asked for "four of each." The clerk thought I meant four sheets of each. My total bill .... $55 and some odd cents. And I almost paid it before realizing the error just seconds prior to swiping my debit card. We (the clerk and I) finally settled on one sheet of each.

Chalking it all up to ....... Rookie stamp collecting mistake!!!

I can see that stamp collecting is an artsy type of endeavor. I'm fascinated by the historical images. I've always been lured in by well done visual images ..... photos, illustrations, posters, baseball cards, murals, album covers, etc... Even graffiti if done skillfully.

Dream # 94,837

A dream last night where a friend was refusing to speak to me. Woke up a little upset and the mood hung around for awhile. It was comforting to receive assurances later that such would never happen.

We've Got Changes

An interesting and somewhat confusing time at work these days, integrating new people who are transferring into our facility from another company facility that's being shut down. Trying to get a feel for their personalities and ways. I've yet to identify any homicidal lunatics or serial backstabbers.

Feeling some sympathy for some of our usual faces who are losing money in the process due to a service time adjusted seniority system and being bumped from higher paying jobs that they have filled for several years. It's all unfolded in two waves about two months apart and just as people were seemingly getting accepting and adjusted to the first batch of new faces and changes, the second wave came washing in. It has to be frustrating for those affected.

What makes it more difficult is that people have been and still are asking questions about the process and the future of the process, where no definitive answers have been given. There's just various rumors flying about causing levels of ongoing angst in some minds. There needs to be a informational meeting or some literature handed out that gives final answers. People now want to know!

I have mixed feelings as it's been helpful in some ways for what I need to get accomplished daily but it also just feels unfair to other people who I've worked with for years.

Old Friend

Thinking lately about an old friend from college days. A bit saddened by the fact that we've lost touch since we both let go of the activity that most frequently brought us together. And also by changes in his personal life. Too many old friendships fade for those reasons. I wish that things didn't work out that way. People often claim to have no regrets in life. I would list any old friendship lost as a huge regret.

I'm positive that the last time we spoke, neither of us walked away thinking it would be the last time. We probably said, "See you later" feeling assured that we'd make contact again in the near future. The alternative not remotely our intention. So how did we let it happen? It's strange how quickly minutes, hours and days can turn into weeks, months and years. And you don't think much about it as the time is passing by because you get so busy with your routines and daily lives. Then in one brief moment you realize it's been fifteen years .... maybe longer. And there's this huge hole where there used to be a friendship. There was no falling out just a unintentional drifting apart.

It would be nice if people were equipped with a inner early warning system that would alert you to what was developing.

Saturday Funday

The best kind of lazy afternoon ..... not worrying about the time or running to work. None of the accompanying stress and lunacy. Browsing an art gallery, record store, book stores, outdoor markets. Enjoying a great BLT sandwich. (Thanks for the advice Mr. Zevon.) Taking photos of a downtown (Independence, OR) clock. Walking downtown streets. A drive in the country. A Marx Brothers movie. Feeling like more than a stumbling zombie.

And the potential of another such day tomorrow.

More Hoops Dreams

Had an absolutely wild dream about a crazy insane pickup basketball game where I was flying around the court .... then suddenly some Lebron James type dude walked in the door and the wildness multiplied by infinity. It wasn't Lebron but some guy with the same kind of size, speed and power and there was one play where I went right at him and though I missed the shot I was up there in the rarified air with some previously unknown verticality. Imagine that, this 6' 1" old, white boy out jumping Lebron!!!

Then I woke up .... and have that morning after thing where my ankles and back ache. But it's a good ache because it was hoops induced. And I'm wondering where the hell  that dream came from? Because I fell asleep on the couch watching a World War II documentary and Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were having no thoughts about getting a game of hoops together.

And I'm almost afraid to post this because the haters will come out who knew me in my playing days and the trash talk will commence about how I could never even out jump that center on the 1980's era Russian woman's basketball team who Bill Russell commented basketball analyst-wise, couldn't jump over one sheet of paper laid flat on the basketball court. And then Mike Clark will come out of the shadows and remind me about his standing H.O.R.S.E. game challenge .... which I don't even know if I can pull that off right now.

Stamp Mania

I fear that I'm becoming a major nerd (That's if I haven't already been one all along.) Getting into stamp collecting. I'm fascinated by the images of people, places, events, etc., on postage stamps.

Vinyl records and compact discs. Baseball cards and volumes of poetry. Even Chinese mud men figurines. Now stamps. Various other items in smaller quantities. Maybe I'm just an insane hoarder? But I sincerely enjoy these things. It's going to be a different kind of weird estate sale when I pass away.

I'm reminded of another collection that I dedicated valuable time to as a kid. Bottle-caps. I'd pick them up right off the street. I don't recall what it was that caused me to abandon that hobby. Possibly the demise of the glass bottle? Maybe the onset of a smattering of maturity?

I Was Married Once ....

I was married once. (Yeah really!!) Not for a long period of time but it is a fact. I thought everything was going great when it wasn't. I was too young, blind and naïve to know better. I can still recall the beginning of the end with clarity but most that followed is extremely clouded. I came around eventually after a period of denial of fault, to recognize and admit that I screwed it up royally. Lesson learned! It's my only real regret in this life.

Lately I've been having dreams about those days. Occasionally a pleasant vision. Mostly the kind where I wake up feeling conflict and loss. Dreams where I can see things taking place from afar that I don't want to see, but am powerless to look away or stop.

I wonder why the recent increase in related dream activity? I used to think that I had finally made peace with those ghosts.

Beyond this, I don't know what else to say. It was so long ago and I hashed things over through my thoughts daily for so long that I actually became burned out by it all.

The Return of Autumn (Allegedly)

It's not official yet and it didn't have the exact "feel" when I was out and about today but it's on the brink .....

.... The return of Autumn is near (if not already here). The rains returned today and it's in the daily forecast for the next week. And temperatures in the 60's. That sure screams Autumn around here but something is missing. Not sure what it is .... maybe the colors and a certain kind of breeze? But regardless, I'm electing to celebrate the demise of the hot!! Appreciating the change. I survived again!
It's what I look forward to with the arrival of each July.

Day Off Eve

I've been wanting a real two day weekend but I suppose I'll have to be happy with just one day.

After forty-seven consecutive days at work, quitting time before a day off feels like a rare treat!! But you keep the celebration short and sweet as you scurry to exit the parking lot before someone can stop you and tell you there's been a change in plans and your day off is cancelled. Be it genuine or a fake news, that kind of angst is uncalled for. Don't even joke about it. The next step is to turn off your phone .... let the battery go dead. Then shout down and disregard the increasing voices in your head that desire the extra money that showing up would provide.

Watching the clock often seems to be my main activity on days that I work. Having to go to work in a few hours is always in the back of my mind. I will make an effort to ignore the clock on this day off.

If they want me, they're going to have to first find me and then drag me in, bitching and moaning, kicking and screaming, crying and complaining!!

Football Friday

The teenage kid at the fast food drive-thru window asked me if I went to the McNary football game tonight and that they lost 62-6.

"No I was at work but I probably went forty-three years ago tonight and my senior year the Celts were no wins and nine losses."

He seemed amazed at that thought. Not sure though if it was the futile won-loss record (There were such high hopes pre-season as I recall) or the fact that he was in the presence of an old dude who went to his high school almost half a century ago.

And I can still remember (and feel) those Autumn football Fridays like it was yesterday!! Especially on evenings at home, with the back door open. You can hear the school band playing and crowd emotions like they are a few hundred yards away even though it's closer to a mile. And in fact it suddenly feels a little sad that I haven't been to a high school football game since those long ago days.

Comfort Zones

While explaining job duties to the new guy, he stopped me in mid-sentence and informed .....
"This is not my comfort zone."

I wasn't quite sure how to react. It was never mentioned in the supervisor training sessions that someone might express such feelings.

Huh? Say what? Really dude? I thought. What part of my standing here talking to you, a total stranger, an X-factor in my day, a possible homicidal maniac, appears like I'm in my comfort zone? Hell, anytime I'm on the company property, I'm outside my zone of comfort. And I'm relatively sure that the people I answer to don't really care. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up and get to work. I'll be in my comfort zone when I'm home sitting on my couch, watching baseball.

Continued From Previous Post

...... Nor am I one of those colored vinyl disc kind of lunatic collector. Why would you want anything other than basic pure black vinyl? It's such a pretty color in black. Red vinyl? What goes through a persons thought processes to even consider recording sounds onto red records? And then they use that as a selling point and call those the collectors items? It's offensive to my eyes!!

Surround a well designed center label with a blackest shade of black platter ..... and I'm in love!!!

News update: I did buy the new Neil Young on vinyl. Grabbed the last disc in the store!! And was informed that it's been a big seller in its short life.

Big seller these days doesn't mean the same as it did in the 1970's. Music was more important to ones life back then. Friends would gather in someone's residence or dorm room to hear a new Bob Dylan recording in those days. Certain highly anticipated new releases felt like events to be present for. From my observation point, it's just not the same level of excitement among the populace now. Something that I miss.

New Neil

So later today (it's currently 2:30AM-ish), Neil Young is finally releasing an album that he recorded and shelved in the mid-1970's. Would it be bordering on a mortal sin, since it's not a re-issue  .... and hugely offensive, slap in the face-wise, to my treasured record collection .... to purchase it (at least initially) on anything but a vinyl record format? I'm thinking that it most certainly would be.

Hell I've even been considering not making the purchase since I've been so disappointed in his last few releases ..... BUT, as I have to keep reminding myself: THIS IS FROM THE 70's!!! This is from his, classical terrifical period!! A era of which I am a Neil Young vinyl completeist.

I'm reminded of one potential exception to all this hoopla ..... NY released a single disc vinyl record of new material three or four years ago that I didn't realize had a $37 price tag on it until I was at the cash register with my debit card in mid-run. I was like floating in a dream state pondering new Neil sounds and then suddenly jolted back to reality: "Huh, say what? You said $37 for what?....."

I'm not really a high price tag kind of a collector. Though I did purchase a Warren Zevon bootleg for $50 recently.

Random Act of Kindness

A random act of kindness!!!

Cupcakes mysteriously appeared on my desk at work. I made an educated assumption and confronted the suspected person. Turns out her teenage daughter left them for me. Wow!! Imagine that .... Maybe there's hope for the youth.

Taco Taste Testing

It only took sixty years but I've become a lover of tacos. I always thought that a typical taco was the taco bell variety offering. (What a naïve fool I was!) Then one day I was turned onto the fact that real tacos don't include cheese. (Which.... brace yourself .... I dislike intensely.) I've discovered that minus the cheese and made by real actual Mexican folks, I love all the varying takes on the taco. (Well I'm not really gaga about the green salsa.) Now I'm on a sacred maniacal mission to find and experience the ultimate taco. And Salem/Keizer has no shortage of places for experimental excursions. So I've been attempting to make up for all that lost time. I may even try making my own!!

Late For The Sky

So typical of me. A rare early morning, out-and-about with a definite mission in mind. Driving country roads seeking a prime viewing and photo shooting location. A spot free of roof tops, phone and electric wires and hopefully with mountains in the background. In search of a sunrise featuring a ball of flames enhanced and rendered naked eye view-able by lingering smoke from forest fires east of me. A half hour after the scheduled sunrise time, in total frustration I give up, convinced that the sun is not going to appear until the heavy morning haze burns off. I'm one left turn away from home when I take a final glance in the rear view mirror .... AND THERE IT IS!! A beautiful awe-inspiring bright red-orange. By the time I can turn around and find a clear unobstructed view, it's too damn late. It's risen too high in the sky and lost much of its red-orange majestic brilliance and is too bright to gaze at or to point an expensive camera lens at.

Like the title of the classic Jackson Browne song .... I'm once again "Late For The Sky." It seems to be my specialty with the camera, being tardy. It's one of those things where you're granted five minutes or less of pure beauty, then it fades away!

A modest person would have been embarrassed and blushed by the words coming out of my sudden foul mouth.

Mission not accomplished! But with bottomless hope and anticipation I'll reset my alarm clock and attempt to catch the next one.

Late Evening Thoughts

It seems that I've lost most of my social skills since my last attempt at a relationship failed. Something difficult to admit.

Sometimes it's just easier to stay away from any possibility of one more heartbreak. One never develops an immunity to that.

But even that is not without consequences. Apparently you need some interaction with others to keep those social skills alive and well. It may be cliché but .... don't use them, you lose them.

Sometimes it seems like it's all in a free-fall decline that you're helpless to reverse or slow down.

How much all of this has to do with turning sixty, I don't know. Sixty has been the identifiable point for multiple changes in my life outlook and attitudes.

Advanced Problem Solving

There's gotta be a better way to do this???

A production process that once in full motion, takes over an hour to see any change if things go wrong. The only thing you can do is hope to catch the early downward trends and warning signs. Because if you go to sleep on the negative indicators, you're really royally screwed.

You don't want to be overly cautious and overreact too early but you don't want to wait too long either.

There ought to be some sort of master override that just stops everything where it's at until the issue can be addressed. But even then, sometimes the fix can't be effected (affected?) until everything contributing to the problem is cleared out of the way. So there's a wasted hour or more of production.

Eclipse!!!

So a ordinary minor occurrence known as a total solar eclipse happened yesterday. The second one that I’ve been fortunate enough to witness in my lifetime. If you’ve never seen one, you really should.

If you measured an events status by the level of awesomeness per each second of its length, it’s probably number one ranking-wise, on the charts of possible events that you might observe in a lifetime. At least in my humble opinion. Awesomeness!!! ..... That's not just the feelings solely of scientific nerds and geeks but just about everyone I've talked to.

Thirty minutes before “totality” I put on my eclipse glasses. They didn’t fit too well over my bi-focals but I hadn’t seen anyone selling clip-ons so they had to suffice. Struggling to keep them in place, I glanced at the sky. There was an brilliant orange ball surrounded by the blackest shade of blackness with an increasingly encroaching slice of moonshadow moving in its path. More glances, then suddenly “totality.” I took a naked eye gaze or two before getting busy with my camera. I had read somewhere that a person shouldn’t waste the experience away taking photos. That they should just relax and take it all in its “totality” but damnit, I wanted pictures!! That’s what I live for these days.

In the brief moments of dusk prior to “totality,” the sun and moon produced a semi-eerie color in the atmospheric surroundings that I’ve never seen before. A mix of blue, gray and charcoal that initially had me wondering if I had stared at the sun for too long with faulty spectacles.

Leading up to it all, I was getting a little annoyed by the number of times I heard the word “totality” used but then it happened and suddenly there I was, standing there, at totality loss to utter or write a better word.

Hours earlier, the local shopping center sprawl was packed with cars at 7:00am. Mostly out-of-state eclipse gawkers securing a spot to put down temporary roots and gaze skyward. Almost like a massive visiting team, beer and Bar-B-Q tailgating event. A ton of Washington plates and a fair share of California plates. Had you not been paying attention to the news for the past few weeks, you might have thought that the U of Washington Huskies and USC Trojans were playing a football game at the adjacent minor league baseball stadium. Very few natives there. I wanted to scream at the foreigners to clear way for me to pass by! That this is my sacred home turf!!! And to enjoy our lack of sales tax.

I couldn’t help but think at one point before the actual visual was all so obviously set in motion …. What if they got the slide rule calculations wrong and it was really happening next month? My pessimistic side I suppose.

Outside the main gate of my place of employment is a designated “park and share” carpooling gathering location. While not huge in acreage, it was packed with four or five times the usual amount of cars (and lawn chairs), with more people flocking across the I-5 overpass on foot, like pilgrims making a once-in-a-lifetime visit to a sacred shrine  … but just more tourists securing a prime viewing spot.

….. And I guess for many a total solar eclipse is a once-in-a-lifetime event which is why I feel so lucky to have lived through two of them  …. and to be armed with my eclipse glasses and camera this time around …. Which I didn’t have in 1979.

At the risk of making it a less unique and awesome event, I’d vote to have another one tomorrow.

Solar Eclipse Eve Walk In the Park

It's total solar eclipse eve here in the path of totality. About twelve hours away as I type. Been looking for signs of the forcasted public insanity but have seen very little save for possibly a few extra souls walking in the park for a Sunday evening.

Spoke with a guy for a bit who appeared to be a professional photographer .... or at least a well educated photographer. He was telling me about his frustrations at attempts to capture a certain image that he wants. A pretty one sided conversation as I was mostly listening, hoping to pick up a few tips and wisdom and he was speaking a language I don't remotely comprehend at this point .... camera talk.

Decision At Sundown

No, not the Randolph Scott western!! ....

A major (for me) decision that I'm struggling with for my first day on night shift this year. To work or not to work? It's my option. There's things to do but nothing vital for the moment. At my age, to stay home, watch a movie and drift off to sleep is always appealing but I'll just have to turn around in short order and go in tomorrow so it seems pointless in a way. You really need two or more consecutive days off to make a difference in a life or an attitude. One day off feels more like you received an extra fifteen minute break in your work day routine and this time of the year I skip most of those anyway.

You see, I'm pretty sure how all this will play out because I've been through it a time or twenty previously. I'll lean towards staying home for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. Then at the last moment, will get in my car and commence driving slowly in the general workplace direction. As I drive, I'll constantly remind myself that it's not too late to turn around. I'll arrive on site eventually and debate whether I shoud get out of the car or not. I'll go inside, grab my ID card and moderate a heated arguement between the inner voices in my head and my already apparently made decision with each, man approaching the gallows-like step towards the scan-in station. Then I'll attempt to hold my hand back cursing the the unknown force that's attempting to force it downward, until I see the green scan in success light appear and regret it for the next seven hours and fifty-nine minutes. Only to be OK with it all as I scan out to go home .... Oh and on payday also.

Continued

..... And sometimes they cause you to wish that you were a teenager again. One of the two previously mentioned girls told me today that she's going to miss me (I have to rotate to another shift) and wanted to know when I'd be back. I practically melted and cried right on that damn spot. I don't hear such words much these days. All I ever really did was let her be herself. To try and answer her questions politely. To give her a little responsibility and show that I had confidence in her. And let her laugh with her friends and to feel comfortable while at work. I never acted the stereotypical old leering man.

It all causes me to wish that I had been a parent. I see now, what I've missed out on.

History 101

These two teenage girls working for me, asked me today how long that I've been working for Norpac. I think my answer stunned them. At the very least it greatly amused them. (Gotta admit to being amused myself also.) I don't think that they could visualize that far back in history .... well before they were born.

It's nice to realize that they could see behind (or beyond) the serious, business face facade that I often employ and feel comfortable enough to ask me a personal question. I was actually touched by it all. Maybe I'm not quite the despised hitler figure that I imagine. Maybe I'm just mussolini lite.

More Notes

I'm convinced that the life saving manna spoken of in the bible story, was actually Pepsi in glass bottles. It had to be something pretty significant to cause me to backslide (three times now) on a vow of body and soul cleansing abstinence that I was extremely proud to be faithfully following through on for darn near coming up on a year.

Now my source appears to be closing in on sold out status and I see no indications that the supply will be replenished. But while I'm hoping, I'm also close to tears. There's no better treat after a hot, sweaty day at work where the aging and tired, hard-working (self alleged but not yet confirmed) fellow who skipped out on both break time and lunch in order to accomplish things for the betterment and improved efficiency of the company, finds himself drooling uncontrollably for a gulp or two of icy cold Pepsi in a glass bottle.

Yeah I broke a solemn vow but I'm hopeful that God will grant me a mulligan or two on this one.

Not Enough Time and Other Late Evening Musings

There's never enough time!! There's so much music to listen to. So many books to read. So many images to capture. Not to forget movies to watch. And you're always going up against the countdown to the next obligation or personal need to meet .... work, sleep, chores, etc.

And then there's those moments where you find yourself anyplace but home .... around other humans .... and suddenly you're filled with the instant terror (for just a fraction of a second that can never pass quickly enough) that maybe you forgot to get dressed before venturing out into the world of onlookers.

And speaking of onlookers .... Why is there a need in society for security cameras? It seems these days that no matter what you do or where you wander or stray, there is always someone present, standing around watching you. Like it's their job. Or maybe their hobby. Or maybe because they have nothing better to do.

But then 75% of those professional gawkers and peepers have their attention split between you and their cell phone, 95% of the time.

And speaking of cell phone zombies .... Do the groups of hipsters, yipsters and dipsters walking in the park or on the sidewalk, realize how freaking ridiculous they look, all walking along obsessively gazing into their separate phones? Why even bother with the hassle of going to the park.

I've been making a concerted effort lately towards staying away from any form of angst. (Though I do backslide occasionally.) I think that it's probably a good idea for my general health and all. But I'm afraid that it's taken on the appearance of not giving a shit. Which I alternate between being perfectly fine with and being extremely bothered by.

Hay Fever Blues Again (To a Lesser Degree)

Maybe I'm finally outgrowing it? (Someone once told me that was possible.) Or maybe the drugs did their job? Or maybe this hay fever allergy season is lacking somewhat in it's punch? Or just maybe it was the recent discovery of Pepsi in glass bottles? Either or all ways, I've reached and passed my personal magic date for the season where it ceases to be an issue (historically speaking) and only suffered through two or three major irritant type days and one or two minor irritant days.

So I'm very thankful for that and also for my legs suddenly feeling a few weeks or months younger!! I base that on how many times the thought of "retirement" went through my mind the past few days. My inner barometer.

Do The Math

Do the mathematics of the situation ..... One restroom designated for general use by a specific gender. You of the opposing gender (allegedly). Dozens of people of the restrooms designated gender, present and with occasional impending urgent needs. That all adds up to your airheaded oblivious self can't be in there painting for three days with the door wide open in a heavy foot traffic area. Apparently some guys don't mind, but I'm assuming that a few modest sorts prefer privacy. We're not teenagers any more ..... most can't just "hold it" until they get home.

You'd think that upper management would take notice, step in and take action with an executive decision. As they probably don't want the lowly rank-and-file employees potentially using their upper class, posh and comfy private restrooms.

Thirty-four Years

Thirty-four years later, you can't just be friends? You who have supposedly evolved above old school pettiness towards some sort of mystical, higher level, new-ageish life form of warmth, good and brilliant crystaline illumination.

Maybe you're living in some form of opposite universe, revisionist history where I was the one who broke vows, became unfaithful and walked out?

Passing Time Running Amok

These days, each of these days passes by so quickly. All attempts to slow the process fail. It sometimes feels like driving a speeding car with no brakes. The marathon of much younger days has become a sprint. But the finish is still out of sight. .... and when did we seemingly lose all control? Occasionally I'll get caught up in literally noting each second as it ticks away and just want to scream for it to stop! It amazes and frightens as you observe each second transition from the present to the past. You think to yourself that it's gone and will never return. And before you complete the thought, another instant has passed ..... and another .... and another!! You can become overwhelmed and obssessed with it all if you watch and consider the repeating sequence for too long

The Question Of A Smile

I was asked today why I don't smile much. A claim that I highly dispute. Because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Not all smiles have to be big, broad and visible from afar.

But if you need to know about that big broad smile or lack thereof .... I've been through enough heartbreak for this lifetime. Not all things just heal over. And I have nothing left inside me to risk bringing on more pain. You want to know me, then understand and accept that. It doesn't mean that I'm not generally happy. It doesn't mean that I'm cold and uncaring.

The One Thing That No One Can Teach You ....

Heartbreak! It's the one thing that I've never learned to deal with. You can't simply smile and get over it. Not possible!! You just hold on and survive the pain until it eventually slowly fades away. Though it never totally fades. There's always something lurking in the background to remind you. A song, an aroma, a dream, etc.. But you make a truce with the ghosts and remnants and move forward. No escape, no magic cures. That's the reality. To paraphrase a favorite musician: "The only way to get through it is to go through it."

Senior Moments

My favorite time of each day has become the end of the day. Where I sit down with a book and a movie and eventually drift off to sleep. It's been a pattern in my world for the past year or two and has led to my getting to sleep much earlier than ever before. I just can't do the staying up until 2:00 or 3:00 am thing anymore. Don't even desire to any longer. Not even on evenings before days off from work. I've become addicted to sleep. It's the narcotic of choice for Seniors.

Mid-June Notes

• I bought a new pair of shoes ..... "Relaxed Fit." Not sure that I'm getting the desired effect. I feel about three inches taller and like I'm about to tip over.
• Father's Day, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Take Your Children to Work Day ..... The hell with all that. There ought to be a, Single Male With No Kids Day!! In fact, I've already declared it, penciling it in a few weeks ago on the calendar at work. So it's now official. June 26th!! 
• So Lonzo Ball's dad has his "Big Baller" brand name on shoes and whatever else. Talk about a double entendre!!
• An oil change, tire rotation and car wash. All unexpectedly free!! That's a good day in my world!

Hay Fever Opening Day Blues

Felt a bit of the hay fever a couple weeks ago. For one day then nothing since. I've heard of people outliving their allergies and was beginning to hope this was the case for myself. Until today that is. I have to remind myself every few minutes to keep my hands away from my eyes. But the temptation eventually overpowers a person. I thought I'd try a new medication this season. We'll see how that works out.

Past Life

In what now seems like a past life, I was a basketball referee. A pretty good one I thought. Fair, honest and possessing knowldge of the game and its intricacies. I took the duties seriously, worked hard at it both with preperation beforehand and in actual games. and never wanted to be the cause of one team gaining an advantage. You know how everybody has one or two things they have the potential to excel at? Well I thought reffing hoops was the one thing that I was really good at.

Not everyone agreed though. That's why I walked away from it. I would let critical reviews of my efforts bother me afterwards. For hours, sometimes even days. I took it personally. I've since realized that the referees that rise to the highest levels of officiating are the ones that are fearless, overflowing with confidence and that can shake off negative reactions to their work while always striving for improvement.

I used to visualize myself in situations, see it play out clearly before me and make the call. I thought the more I "saw" a situation, the more it would help to handle it correctly when that situation actually physically appeared again. I still believe in visualization.

I doubt that many people involved for more than a season are in it just for the money. You have to truly enjoy it to stick with it. I reached a point where I didn't enjoy it. I'd get nervous before my assigned games. Not like a player gets pregame "butterflies," but nervous to the point where I just didn't want to step on the court. Some of that is still with me .... I had a dream not long ago where I intentionally skipped out on game assignments.

The Comeback Yankees!!!

I realize that it's still early in the season but this team is beginning to assume appearances as being something special. This is the fourth time in the past week or two where the Yankees have been down late and looking dead and I've given up on the game saying to myself that it's over ..... Only to discover later that they came back in classic "Bronx Bomber" fashion for a dramatic win.

Fifty-three years as a Yankee fan and I can still get excited over a new season and its possibilities!!!

Latest Dilemma

This place I live in has a conventional type bedroom upstairs and then a loft room which is considered the second bedroom in the description, "two bedrooms" and which I employ as my music listening/reading room. This loft room has a slanted ceiling, of which someone once said: "Good luck with trying to keep that space warm." At the apex of that slanted ceiling are four adjacent windows at an estimated height of twenty feet. I should probably insert or mention here that I don't as of right now own a ladder of any length, just a stepping stool that might allow me to reach a point a foot or two outside of my personal wing span which if I was young and a blue chip basketball stud/prospect I'd most probably know that exact measurement. Anyway, I'm suddenly looking up to those windows wondering what sort of decorative objects I could place on those window sills all without falling to my death .... or at least extremely painful and quite possibly crippling injury.

So since I am six foot one and if anything shrinking with advancing age .... and assuming my wing span or reach above that is an additional two or three feet maximum on tip toes ..... and since vertical leap doesn't factor into the equation here ..... and even if it did, I'm still coming up an estimated ten feet short ..... well perhaps you see my problem. Yet I've now taken up a less than rational interest in the idea of using this available space ...... "interest" defined perhaps not by Webster but instead by myself personally as obsession.

Oh and did I fail to mention that I'm not fond of heights? Like anything above the third rung on a ladder, I start feeling a little shaky and uncomfortable.