The 'R' Word Again!!

Co-worker (William) informed me with five minutes left in the shift that it was his last day. That he's 'crunched numbers' with his wife and decided he doesn't need the insanity anymore. That he'll be OK.

I am so envious. That's what I want to feel and that's how I want to go out. To decide that I've had enough, say goodbye to one or two people at the last moment and then turn and walk away.

And I want to feel that I'll be OK.

Notes

• Two teenagers in dark clothing, on skateboards, swerving about in the bike lane at 10:30 in the evening ….. Do they think they are invincible?  
• I gave it a serious run while nearly breaking Joe DiMaggio's fifty-six game streak. Fifty-Five consecutive days at work ends with tonight's stay at home.
• Amazing when you witness karma coming back around.
• My favorite television channel these days? ..... The Weather Channel. Fascinating stuff! It used to be a running joke, how often forecasts were wrong but these days they rarely seem to be in error. Even when venturing out a week in the future.
• It occurs to me that maybe I should start a blog having to do with my baseball card collection.  Having said that, I realize it would likely end up being 85% Yankees.
• Lavender Pine Sol ..... That's like too much of a good thing!!

Sudden Contact

So what do you do when your ex-wife, who you haven't seen or spoken to in over thirty years, suddenly contacts you asking if you'd like to meet sometime so she could apologize and catchup?

I'm open to thoughtful suggestions and advice.

First thing I did was some light housekeeping. Just in case she has tomorrow in mind.

Second thing I did was go for a long walk. To consider and reconsider what I might want to say.

It has me a little shaken. A lot of old feelings suddenly re-emerged. Some that took me a while to make peace with. Not that I wish to burden her with all that. Just had to check if I was OK.

Stories

I think the various stories that make up a person's life are fascinating ….. and each person has a unique collection of these tales. No two are the same!

Goodbye Meghan

The beautiful 20-something (I assume) lady in the bookstore approached me tonight. She always smiles and says hello and I hope I'm not assuming too much if I say that we had recently formed a small bit of a friendly relationship.

"Hi Michael." (I didn't know that she knew my name.) "I just wanted to say that it's my last day in the bookstore and I don't know if I'll ever see you again so I wanted to say goodbye."

She once told me the story of  how she found her dog in Mexico ….. a very beautiful Dalmatian …..and how it followed her around until she knew that she had to bring him home with her.

She said one or two other nice things tonight that I can't recall because by that point I was lost in this dense fog and damn near in tears.

I clumsily uttered, "Oh no" and told her (Meghan) that I would miss her.

And then she was gone.

I had stopped in just because I didn't want to waste a trip downtown. I had actually intended to visit an antique shop and arrived to find they were closing in nine minutes. I stayed about two minutes. Had I stayed the full nine minutes or had they stayed open to the hour that I thought was their closing time, I would have arrived at the bookstore much later and most likely missed the encounter.

The R Word

If I could see how the future was going to turn out and be assured that I wouldn't end up living on the streets, I'd make the move towards retirement tomorrow. Recent events at work are pushing me in that direction. Feeling fed up, dispirited and worn down by hassles and having to be a jerk and fight for resources I feel are needed to get things done. I'm losing the will to care.

Regrets

You always hear people say that they have no regrets in life. I'm not afraid to admit that I have a few.

The summer after I graduated from high school, I went to stay with my aunt and uncle for a few months, just outside Depot Bay, a small town at the Oregon coast. I had been hired for a temporary summer job to earn a little money for college ..... or for whatever came next. I  wasn't entirely sure at that point.

When not working, I spent most of my hours in the basement bedroom of their house. Depressed over a girl from high school that I had a huge crush on but who I was always too shy and terrified to attempt to speak to. Graduation had seemingly ended any hope of overcoming my fears. So I spent the hours wallowing in self pity and listening endlessly to four or five eight track tapes that I had taken with me from home.

A three minute stroll from the beach and I may have wandered there once or twice that entire summer.

I look back and realize that my aunt and uncle were probably hoping for much more of a relationship. Years before they had lost their only son, who used to watch after my siblings and I in our childhood, lost to the gunfire of the jealous estranged husband of a woman he was dating. Looking back, I think they were hoping that I could fill a very small part of that void in their world. But I was too blinded by and selfish with my own problems.

These days I badly regret my choice to be a hermit that summer.

That girl from high school that I had a crush on? Many years later, I got to know her and spend a few days at Thanksgiving with her in Idaho, where she had eventually moved to. I haven't spoke to her much lately but we are still friends. (I think.)

EDIT ..... It's a little eerie .... Just an hour or two after I typed these words, she (my old high school crush) posted a photo on facebook that I loved and commented on. She replied, asking: "How are you my old friend?" It sometimes seems like yesterday, those days when I was terrified to speak to her.

Penmenship Blues

No matter how hard I try, I just can't succeed at making out a handwritten list of names or items and having the final result look attractive. My hand gets moving too fast for it's own good and I end up with too many errors ….. numerous incomplete, sloppy and jumbled together letters. Even when I make a determined conscious effort to slow down, my hand and brain can't handle the relaxed pace and speed the process up without my approval. Like they NEED to get to the end quicker.

Baseball Days & Daze

Looking at the box score for last nights MLB all-star game …. (I haven't watched the all-star game for years) …. and there's at least ten names where I have no idea what team they are with and two or three names that I've never heard of. And besides maybe Mike Trout, not a single name that screams out, future, no doubt, instant hall-of-famer.

Things sure have changed from the days where I could recite the starting lineups and 4/5ths of the roster for most of the American League teams plus the San Francisco Giants. Not sure if it's a lessening interest or declining memory capacity?

Weekend Notes

• Felt extreme giddiness the other day when Rosanne Cash replied with two emoji's to my tweet to her regarding her making of potato salad.
• I changed my profile photo on Twitter and it seems that two people who I've been chatting with for months suddenly are confused of my identity.
• The number one aggravation in my life right now? .... People being behind me on the road. I have my set pace .... slow .... and I don't like being pressured to go faster.
• Still waiting for someone to card me when I claim 'senior' status.
• I'm amazed at moments where the sun is trying to find it's way through the clouds!!
• I read about a report that claims that 25% of people plan to never retire. Sometimes I fear that I'll end up being one of those persons.
• 
  
  
  

Another Retirement

Another longtime co-worker retired the other day. I struggled with saying goodbye because I hate goodbyes and walking away from people. But I knew I eventually had to make the effort. We've worked together for forty years. More or less grew up in the place. When I went to say goodbye I was told that I missed her, that she went home early. I literally felt sick after hearing that.

I should be happy for those lucky ones but each of these retirements of longtime friends that I've formed connections with hurts me. I feel like I'm a little more alone in the world. A step closer to the end of days.

I have no idea how I'm going to decide when it's time for me to go and how I'm going to follow through on it. It may have to be pointed out to me. I don't want to think too much about it. Thinking about it causes the emotions inside to rage.

Persistance

Little older guy in the record store searching for over an hour through crates of 45's until he finally found his objective and treasure ….. 'My Sharona' by The Knack. 

For his dogged efforts the record was given to him ….. No charge! You have to admire that level of stick-to-it-iveness!!

It occurred to me that quite possibly this is me in ten years. Or maybe right now and I just don't recognize it. 

June Hoops

This is why I think the motto is so true ….. 'NBA Action is Fantastic!!!'

Game five. Toronto up three games to one. Ten points in a row to take a six point lead with three minutes left in the game. They had all the momentum. Their fans going wild anticipating a championship. Their superstar, Kawhi Leonard, had taken over. ….. AND THEY HAD THE BALL!!

And then they called a timeout.

I …. (and most probably all of Canada and Golden State haters everywhere) actually wondered loudly in unison: "What the hell!! Why???"

They came back from the timeout and failed to score. Then Golden State put on one of those almost routine for them, frenetic whirlwind barrage of three pointers and defensive stops that I've seen them do on seemingly countless occasions over the last five years against the Trail Blazers. It's like ….. never relax because you know it's there ….. lurking …. waiting to happen.

It was fascinating to watch!!

And now there's a game six!!

Afterwards I saw the coach (Toronto) explain …. Well we had two timeouts left and if we don't use them, we lose them. ….. At that point, So what!!! Admittedly you know your team better than I but it didn't appear that they needed a break.

Hoops Pet Peeve

Pet Peeve ..... Well I hate it when listening to basketball television analyst talking head types saying: "He can make that shot." Translation .... He hasn't been making that shot.

Pet Peeve of the week, number two ..... The cliche, "Trust the process." Applies to both basketball and baseball useage. Usually uttered by the day's top performer in post-game interviews.

Random Notes

A few (or more) random notes that come to mind as the weekend passes by …..

• I should probably keep my camera tripod in the trunk of my car instead of in my garage. You know, just in case the random great and once-in-a-lifetime image presents itself while I'm out and about.  (Sat. 9:02 am)
• It's my goal these days, above all others,  to have a drama free life. I never want to spend another moment worrying about a single thing. Towards that end, I should start pausing and re-thinking every word I am ever about to utter. (9:48am)
• The Saturday afternoon nap .... wildly refreshing but it makes day one of your two days away from work, go by in a flash.  (3;54pm)
• I just can't watch much baseball anymore. There's too much I could be doing during all those seconds passing by between pitches. (7:12pm)

Collecting and Aging

One of the potential traps of collecting music and getting older is that eventually you just might end up with a small sub-collection of items which you already own. And over time you might just find yourself in possession of say twenty-ish such items. All of which one just might be fearful of donating to the 'Friends Store' of the public library because of the possibility of once again seeing them on display, getting excited and purchasing them for a third time.

Not that I could possibly be the aging person referred to in this complicated scenario.

Appreciate

I've never appreciated my mundane little life as much as when I had an issue in front of me that caused me to worry about possibly losing my freedom. So I guess that's my thoughts of the wisdom of the elders …. Appreciate right now, EVERYTHING that you have! It can all be lost in an instant.

Brief Encounter

A guy approached me this evening while I was out for a walk in the park and said hello. He asked if I was a Christian. I said, no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said "No thank you." He pulled a small booklet out of his pocket and asked if I wanted a small story that he had written. Again my reply, "No Thank you."

I don't know why I said no to his first question. It just came out that way, even while my mind was saying yes. I felt badly about it. I still didn't want to talk about it though. I always feel lost, under attack and overwhelmed in those types of conversations. Like whatever I say and ask, doesn't matter to the other person. Like there's only their version of truth.

Really?

Standing in Dairy Queen tonight (because the drive-thru line was half a mile long), waiting for my strawberry sundae and I see their hyping the chicken and waffles.

Chicken and waffles? Suddenly seems to be hip, trendy and popular everywhere I look. I don't get it. Not exactly fish and chips in my estimation. I like chicken and I fantasize about waffles covered with butter and maple syrup, but I don't savor them together on the same plate at the same meal. So I say, no thanks!

The Near Perfect Shift

Thought I was going to make it through the shift with barely speaking. Without having to issue an order. Where everyone goes out, gets along with each other and simply performs their job. Because less of me is always a good thing. And I was within fifteen minutes of the goal. Then someone has to make a dumb decision and I am forced to step in.

Notification

Just possibly, I've been spending way too much time on Twitter lately. I had a quickie drive-by type of dream during a fifteen minute snooze that I had a new "notification." Still half asleep and stumbling to the computer to check, I discovered that not all dreams come true.

What's more strange ….. That I had the dream or that I felt the need to check?

Knocking On Wood

Jumping for joy, while knocking on wood and crossing my fingers (don't try this while home alone) because I think my next door neighbors have up and moved away.

If true, and all indications are that it is, no more faces peeking out from the garage or front door at me every time I come and go. No more round-the-clock working on cars that never seems to end. No more collection of age twenty and thirty-something dudes shuffling and rotating between the garage and apartment. I feel like I can sit on my front porch again.

This constant working on cars was really bothering me. I wanted to shout at the guy that I identified as the tenant and lead mechanic, to get another life!!

In a complex that's allegedly attempting and claiming to be classy, the tenants ought not to be working out of their garage. Sorry if my inner elitist snob is showing but it all makes the place and the surroundings look sleazy and trashy.

I'm not quite sure why it's an issue but I feel like I have my privacy back. I enjoy being able to come and go without constantly being eye balled like I'm some sort of suspect and I might be plotting to steal one of their tires or hubcaps.

These Days

Gary Rathgen passed away a few days ago. A friend from childhood. I had lost touch with him since high school but then there was Facebook, reconnecting people. I knew that he was having problems over the past year or so but was under the impression that he was doing better, getting stronger. Then two weeks ago he suddenly announced that he wasn't a candidate for chemo and that he was terminal. That was a bit of a shock. Then the other day, his daughter posted that he was in a coma and close to passing.

It all happened so quickly it seemed.

I think about when we were kids, school days, going through all the ordeals and rituals of childhood. Pretty much carefree. No comprehension that the time would ever arrive where we are much older and gradually fading away from life. We're watching our generation transition to what's next.

Then I hear that Jack Townsend, who I worked with nearly thirty years ago, lost a son a year ago and earlier this week, decided he couldn't deal with the pain any longer and took his life. And then, while searching through the obituaries, I see Jon Yunker's name listed. Jon was part of the Sunday evening basketball get together of friends that I took part in for many years.

Speechless now …… Three people in one week. Who's next? I'm lighting a candle tonight.

Hoop Notes

I've decided that I need to get obsessive and fanatical about exercise. So I went and shot baskets.

A Saturday afternoon, windy and rain showers lurking. I drove to the local middle school and after checking the parking lot for cars and witnesses (none) I parked and made the uphill stroll to the outdoor baskets.

My first thought? "This rim looks high." Of course that was also my first thought the last time I shot baskets and that was a different playground ..... So maybe it's me?

Again the knees didn't want to cooperate and my first shot clanked off the rim almost breaking the reinforced steel, the ball bouncing far away. I was hoping that it would just come directly back to me like it does after a perfect swish.

Ten more attempts without a make .... all short because of the seemingly elevated rim before it occurred to me that additional thrust was needed. That required increased bending of stiff knees.

The next shot rimmed in and out, the one after that, a swish!! Two or three more misses followed before another swish! After that, four out of five swishes. "Hey this is coming back to me!" Just one issue .... on the last swish the ball failed to drop completely through the net. So there I was, standing below the net looking up and thinking: "Oh no! How am I going to get that down?" ..... There was no way that I could jump up there.

Or was there?

It raced through my mind that I was going to have to drive home for a long stick or broom handle to break the ball free from the net.

It was then that I decided to try. To attempt to elevate like the old days and knock that damn ball down. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, in hindsight the most important step, again bent my creaky knees, reached for the sky and jumped. I managed to nick the ball with the fingernail of my middle finger ...... But that was enough!! The ball fell and I returned safely to earth from the two or three inches of elevation that had been achieved.

April Days

I love these spring days in April. Rain showers coming and going and the freshness in the air afterward. Dark and white clouds all around. Blue sky mixed in. Sunlight fighting to get through it all. The crisp feel in the air. The rainbows. Why can't we have this year 'round? I would be perfectly fine with missing out on the ninety and thirty degree days. And I love the ever-changing skyscapes that the clouds bring. Sometimes I think the idea could be justified if it was sold as pay-per-view. Who needs summer and winter when you have this. 

Spring Shower?

So they're calling that a spring shower? Seemed pretty epic to me!! Like up there in top-ten contention for the Biblical event of the decade. Certainly the Yankees would have postponed their baseball game and played two tomorrow. The type of rainfall that you wait out in your car before navigating the pools of standing water and running into the store  ….. or your front door at home.
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You ever go into a shop where you're not a regular and feel like they're keeping a keen eye on you? You know, just in case you're planning to make a break for the exit with a stolen greeting card? That was my experience today!!

A Dog's Life

Some zany comedian has likely already done a bit on this subject but since I've yet to see or hear it, I consider the idea as mine to develop and enhance.

What do you think goes through a dog's mind when they see their humans scooping up their personal droppings? ……. 'Really? Are you OK? You really want to save that shit?'

This is why I can't have a dog. Just feeling the texture of that crap while wearing the disposable gloves used to clean it up from public places, causes me to dry heave uncontrollably.

The Crows

Taking video today of a crow perched on a branch, ten feet away and being very vocal. A lady walked by and asked what he was saying? I wish I knew. He (she?) definitely had something on his mind.

I find crows to be fascinating. They seem to have personalities. They appear to be showing off for us humans. When on the ground, they strut around like members of a marching band. They let you know when they are nearby.

Words To a Friend

To a friend ……. I know that you've been through some frightening stuff and you've been dealing with a lot of trauma from that. But I'm not out to frighten or hurt you in any way. I imagine that it's difficult for you to just accept and believe those words but it is the truth. I don't want and I swear not to cause another second of anguish or pain in your world. I don't know how to prove that to you. I had hoped my actions would have done that by now. Sometimes I think the only way that I could demonstrate my sincerity and intents to you is to just turn around and walk away. Maybe then I'd get really incredibly lucky and win your faith, trust and friendship. After all, I'm at a point in my life where truly that's all that matters to me.

Rain!!! ..... and Footnotes

I wasn't foolish or naive enough to think that maybe we were done with rain for the month but was sure hoping we could go another day or two without. I can't hear it falling but the radar shows that it is upon us. Hopefully it won't delay the usual March cherry blossoms from revealing themselves at their proper moment.
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You ever walk around all day with the sensation that the bones in your foot are one step away from fracturing? Just feeling in a total state of fragility? At the mercy of the ground you are walking upon.

Spring Forward Bummer

Next time around I'm going to "spring forward" a week or two ahead of the appointed time. I keep looking at the one clock that needs to be adjusted manually and which I've procrastinated in doing so and then after a second or two delay, getting disappointed when I realize that it's actually one hour later than it reads and I'm that much closer to having to return to work in the morning.

I consider all this manipulation of the time to be a major pain in the ass. We don't need an extra hour of anything. Just leave the time alone. Let it do it's own thing!!!

Change In the Air and Other Miscellaneous Notes

Finally today, a hint of Spring! I can't pinpoint exactly what it was but it just felt ever so slightly different.

Received a photo in the mail today of my mom's hometown. Butler, South Dakota. Taken in the early 1900's (turn of the century) I'm told. A small town then that barely exists today. Most of the buildings wiped away. It's fascinating studying this image from history (with a magnifying glass) of what used to be. I get lost in my thoughts. My mother's roots, at least twenty years before she was born and at least half a century before I was born. Americana!! Amazing!!

I found this button the other day while passing time in an antique shop. I do believe!! Well sort of anyway. For conversation sake. A couple weeks ago I thought that I had experienced a Loch Ness Monster sighting. There was something brown and scary looking swimming through the slough at Riverfront Park. Turned out that it was a beaver ….. I think. There were several other onlookers wondering just what it was. I took several blurred and grainy photos just in case the gossip tabloids want to offer me millions for the image. So what's next for me? ….. Abduction by aliens?

For those who say the music in physical format is dead ….. The local record store sure seems crowded each time that I visit. And many of those people appear to be twenty-somethings. People still enjoy and are learning to enjoy the experience.

Twitter Notes and Musings

• How great does your content have to be to have 81.8K followers while following only one on Twitter? It actually feels arrogant and obnoxious. And what are my chances of becoming number two person followed?
• I enjoy black and white photography as much as the next person but it seems to be the chosen view of about 90% of the people posting their personal shots. The actual color image without filter editing is still cool you know.
• It seems that people "follow" and then "unfollow" you on Twitter for no particular reason. Following is not nearly as committed and lasting as friending is. 
• I like how I can tailor my "news feed" on Twitter to be pretty much items of specific interest. If I did that on Facebook, I'd probably have to unfriend a third or more of my friends.

Superpower

Sometimes you just shake your head and wonder ….. Thirty-Seven degrees outside. A mix of snow and rain falling. Bald, chubby guy walking along the downtown sidewalk in a short sleeve polo shirt, shorts and ankle high socks (yes he had shoes) and no hat, looking like he hadn't a care in the world.

It must be a superpower!! Hey look over there! It's Impervious To Cold Man!!

It's Hailing!!!

Intense hailstorm this afternoon like I've never seen before. Instead of the usual three or four minute duration this one seemed to go on at full intensity for at least fifteen minutes. In its aftermath were cars crawling along I-5 and inching up the overpass crossing the freeway at Brooks ….. Then on the other side of the overpass, the ground was clear. I-5 was the line where the storm ended. Though there were three or four follow-up storms with their own boundaries. Pretty wild afternoon!!

Sixty-Three Eve

Wow!! It's now the eve of turning sixty-three and I feel incredibly fortunate and thankful. I might not have made it if I hadn't broken down and went to see a doctor eight months ago. His words: "You were in pretty bad shape" replay in my thoughts each day. I never asked how bad. Just stayed focused on getting better.

So here I am. My heart still hurts (not in the literal physical pain sense) but here I am!! And not planning on going away. Waiting for something. Waiting for one more chance! Waiting for magic!

An old high school friend sent me a Facebook friend request yesterday. I would have sent one to him earlier but I wondered if he would remember me? It's kind of funny but when I accepted his friend request, just for an instant I felt like I was eighteen again. There was a short flashback to 1974. And I would happily forfeit a day or two from the end of my life just to go back and revisit all those old times and friendships.

Notes

• A dream last night that my boss was coaching a basketball team that I was a member of and he wouldn't put me into the game. 
• Stopped at a playground in 37 degree weather to shoot hoops for the first time in several years. It was like the feet, ankles, knees and hips have forgotten their roles in this process. And to think that at one time shooting a jump shot felt so effortless.
• Why do I always feel like such a lowlife scoop of pond scum whenever I tell those girl scouts selling cookies, "No thanks?" It's not like I haven't bought more than my share over the years.
• I write down and file away two and three word phrases that come to mind for future use in my attempts at poetry, with no idea at the time how they'll eventually be used. Is that cheating?

Medical Update

So this morning, my doctor told me that I'm "good to go" and I'm looking much better than when this all started seven months ago and unless I have something unexpected come up, I don't need to return for six months. As much as I've felt apprehension before each visit, I felt a little letdown at this development. I guess I've found a little sense of security in these regular tests, test results and updates and watching the steady improvement in my numbers taking place. I actually feel much younger than I was feeling last May when I was constantly worried that maybe I was dying. Much younger in fact than I had felt in the previous five years. Not quite back to feeling immortal yet but working on it. I don't want to get too cocky. Maintaining a little humility is important.

What This Town Needs

What this town needs is five more record stores for myself to frequent. Ten would be even better!! Places of endless culture, wonders and discovery. Places to get lost in for incalculable hours on a chilly, foggy Saturday. Places to cross paths with and hear the stories and tales of other record collecting fanatics of all ages. Where everyone is equally fascinating, cool and hip.

A record store for each corner of downtown. A few in other neighborhoods. Like in the 1970's as I seemingly recall. The present day reality is not progress.

If I were granted three wishes ,,,,, after everlasting love and eternal youth, there would be a difficult decision for the final wish between having several billion dollars or five more record stores in town.

Another Passing

I see that another longtime co-worker has passed away. Makes you stop and wonder about that person's life and final days and things between you that you wish had played out differently and think about your own remaining time.

I know a little of the person's lifestyle situation and find it all so sad. I pray that he didn't pass away alone and feeling fear. If his passing is true, I feel sad to say that it's not a surprise. He's been retired for a few years but stopped by work a few months ago to visit and looked frighteningly frail and in poor health.

It seems like just a short time ago when he was full of life, humor, and some anger and sarcasm. That was just his personality. It became expected. Charming and enjoyable to be around one minute, the opposite the next. Someone told me years ago that he was diagnosed as bi-polar. He had his issues, conflicts with others and quirks but then we all do. But even anger and sarcasm are being alive!! It amazes and frightens me how a person declines and fades away so quickly. I guess it wasn't truly a quick process but when you picture how you always knew the person, then two or three years pass and you compare that visual to the final time that you saw him a few months ago, the image and process ..... for lack of a better term, is shocking and seems to have happened overnight.

________________________________________

So it's several days later and I've heard that he was found unconscious in his house by neighbors who went in after not seeing him for a few days. He was in the hospital for ten days where he was asked if he wanted the needed care to prolong life a little longer and he declined and asked them to "let him go." (to let him pass away not go home.) Sounds like he was just weary of the fight that his later years had become.
(1-26-19)

Three Point Mania

I wonder if whoever came up with the idea of the three point shot, looks at the present day game and regrets it now? I'm lacking actual research and statistical numbers but it 'feels' like it's about 50-75% of the game. Sometimes it feels like I'm watching a pinball game instead of a basketball game. It's certainly a much different game than what I grew up with and most of the time, that's not a good thing. I'm all for a rule change limiting the number of attempts. Maybe five or six attempts per half.

Notes

• In basketball, since when did the hand-off become an assist?
• A guy walks into the donuts shop, gets angry when they don't drop everything .... (i.e., preparing my order) .... and come running to help him, so he walks out after a forty-five second wait while mumbling obscenities under his breath. Everyone wants immediate gratification these days.
• Likewise, everyone wants early retirement as well.
• Do recurring dreams stop when you have one where a resolution to the recurring problem was reached? I guess I'll find out. It was a welcome change to wake up with the feeling that an ending to the occasional strife in my sleeping world had taken place. Because bad dreams don't just end when one awakes shaken and afraid. There often times are lingering effects afterward.
• Kind of proud that I went an entire day abstaining from sweets and soda. Imagine that. Maybe I can make it consecutive days? Or how about a lifestyle?
• Each day gets just a little closer to another birthday and I'm like: "What the hell! Bring it on!!" Not sure though, if I have the great fortune to make it through a few more years, if I'll feel the same defiance about bringing it on when seventy looms directly over me.

Plan Z

Had so many grand plans for the evening. Things I was planning to do from the moment I left work. Ended up sitting down, thinking at length about a friend who's going through some things and listening to music. Possibly the best alternative and it wasn't even in the faded margins of the ultimate grand master plan .....  And then suddenly the evening is nearing its end, about to transition to late night and sleep is needed if there's any hope of functioning in the new day.

More Than Hello

I hate to admit it but I suspect that I've become socially inept. I cross paths with new people ..... random encounters where they might smile and say hello and I freeze up when it comes to replying with anything more than hello and then looking away. A moment later, I'll kick myself for the missed opportunity, a process that lasts for the remainder of the day..

End of Vacation Blues

I go back to work in the morning after being away for more than a week. It feels though, like it's been ten weeks. I've been there over forty years and I suddenly feel a little like I'm a new hire. Hopefully I'll lose that feeling as soon as I walk in the door. Hopefully I'll be welcomed back with "Hey Mike, No time for exchanging good mornings, we have this issue needing your attention right away." That should jolt me back to my usual reality!!

And hopefully, no one will ask me when I'm planning on retiring. (See previous posting here.) Once you're over sixty, it's like people wait in line to ask you that question. I'd rather be asked when I'm going in for my next colonoscopy. At least I could provide a rough estimate for that question.

2019!!

2019 is here!!! I'll celebrate with a book, a little music and a movie!!

Once again I'll say, I never could imagine this year arriving when I was a teenager. 1974 to 2019 ….. Isn't that like seventy or eighty years of time? OK I guess it's obvious that I wasn't a math major. But those years in between do seem like an eternity while also feeling like yesterday.

Around 8:00pm last night I found myself wishing very badly that I could at least make it another four hours. Who the heck wants their time to end in the final minutes of a year about to change? I wanted to be able to say that I made it through the transition!!! Especially this one because of health issues I was presented with earlier. Now I can look to 2020!!

I still struggle with the question: Does God exist? But for what it's worth, I do believe in the power of prayer. For whatever reason it does ease my mind from what's causing tension.

I seem to get asked about once a week, when am I going to retire? People my age get obsessed with retirement. "When are you retiring?" has replaced "Hi, how are you?" on the list of most often uttered conversational topics. Am I the only person my age that doesn't feel excitement about the R-word? I've always figured that I'd just KNOW when it was time and maybe I need someone to hit me over the head with a board but I don't feel that knowledge yet.

So tonight, I'm in my annual state of extended holiday confusion where I'm thinking it's Saturday and where in fact it's actually Tuesday.

Regarding the ongoing struggle, complexities and contradictions that come with being 60-something ….. I think that it's both funny and frustrating how at midnight, getting up at 6:00am and going out to breakfast seems like such a great and stimulating idea but a few hours later at 5:00am, that same thought feels like the dumbest idea that any single person has ever formed.

My resolution for the new year is to clear out the saved content on my cable box dvr and I've managed to get it from 22% of capacity down to 3% so I'm feeling pretty proud about that.