Watch Collecting Blues

Well apparently it doesn't just happen with music .....

Bought a new watch yesterday. The moment I walked away from the purchase, the dred feeling overcame me that I already had that same watch at home. It only grew stronger as I went about my afternoon rounds. Upon arriving home a few hours later, I practically ran inside to check things out. I felt an initial slight sense of relief upon comparison as the faces of the two watches appeared to be different dark shades. Then suddenly: "OH SHIT!!!" It was just the light that each piece was being viewed inthat was causing the slightly different look. It's the same watch!!

Why couldn't I have a moment of hesitation and thought before making the purchase? Now I have to return to the store with my tail between my legs and attempt not to look too out of touch as I ask for my money back.

Moving Beyond Dreams 101

The dreams just get stranger and often with no link to anything that's ever crossed my mind. Does this happen to everyone as they grow older? What brings out these imaginary plotlines and situations? Usually involving some sort of personal dilemna where I wake up relieved to be jolted from this make believe dream world. Nothing too frightening that I can recall just weird with aspects that make no sense .... Like I'll be at home then a moment later, I'm in New York City. It all leaves me a little curious and even looking forward to discover what will be generated next.

Shock

Shocked and a little saddened to read of the passing of someone I didn't know. A person I wasn't actual friends with. A television personality who made a connection of sorts through humor and beauty and who silently vanished from sight over a year ago. Today I read of her passing away just a few days ago. Kinda funny (as in strange), this feeling of loss for someone thousands of miles away and who I had no real physical connection to. I had no idea of what she was going through. Reading about it is frightening. Wondering what the final year for her was like?

Maybe the worst way to go. Aware of your condition and wishing you could slow down the progression but gradually and relatively quickly fading away.

Some people just appear so full of life and passion and appear as if they could go on forever and when that life suddenly ends it's a little difficult to comprehend. Like the news must be mistaken.

Part of it all is the realization that I'm at an age where I accept that nothing is certain and where I occasionally wonder if I'll still be around a year from now.

Continued From Yesterday

..... And today I exchanged hello's with the new next door neighbor. Seems awful young. Hopefully it doesn't translate to rowdy. I treasure the peace and quiet that I discovered in this place. And the respect for one's surroundings. Something you don't find everywhere. I know from experience.


MY CHUCKLE OF THE DAY ...... A guy in the grocery store in the self checkout line purchasing beer. The system apparently halting the process, wanting him to display his ID to the attendant. He was obviously in his 50's or 60's. As he flashed his proof of age documentation he said: "I just turned twenty-one."  ..... Maybe you had to be there. Part of the humor was in his tone when he delivered the line.

A Change In The Status Quo

It appears as if I have new next door neighbors. Though I never took notice of the previous residents moving out. How observant of me. No mention of the impending move in a conversation a week earlier about new cars. My first clue .... A quick glance in that direction and the absence of prior porch furnishings and decorations.

The previous occupant? ..... Quiet and respectful. I took unmeasurable comfort in that knowledge and stability. With the new neighbor(s)? ..... Who knows.

With the unknown there's potential for problems. I heard childrens voices yesterday resonating from that vicinity as the snow fell. I suppose those kids could be from anywhere but I fear they are next door. Not the situation I would hope for. Sorry that my advanced age and state of grouchiness are now showing but I don't want to come home to or peek out from behind closed curtains and find marauding, wild children in my driveway, drawing with chalk or kicking random #4 soccer balls up against my car or my windows and doors.

No offense intended towards anyone's children. I enjoy their voices at play as well as anyone ..... As long as it's from a quarter mile or greater distance away.

I think I should have been consulted with and given final say on this matter!!

Notes and Confessions

• I don't see myself as a prude yet I get easily disgusted by people who dress sleezily and then go out and walk around in public. I mean you don't really need to show off your rolls of fat like it's something to be proud of.
• It's probably pretty strange but I have this small number of movies that I like to fall asleep to each night. Maybe six or seven movies on the playlist. I'll play and replay a specific film five to ten consecutive evenings then move on to the next, eventually repeating the cycle of movies. Mostly just listening to the dialogue as I drift off to sleep. I enjoy other movies as well but when it's time to settle down into sleep mode, it's just this small list that I return to each evening. War movies ..... The Desert Rats with Richard Burton, Objective Burma with Errol Flynn, Back To Bataan with John Wayne, Pork Chop Hill with Gregory Peck. A few others. Just a quirk of mine. Something about these movies puts me at ease. 
• There was a period in my life where I fell asleep each night while listening to late evening talk radio. Another period where it was football or basketball games that I had recorded to tape or disc. A month or two long ago where I had to hear Art Garfunkel's, Watermark album as a sleep aide. I've never been a need total darkness and quiet in the house, type of sleeper. I prefer a little light and a little background noise to take my mind off the daily grind and worries. 
• As wierd as all that is, it's what I've felt comfortable with over the years. As a possible consequence, I've never had an issue with falling to sleep. 
• I hate that moment when driving a new car transitions from feeling like something exciting and new to just being part of the routine. I mourn as the odometer passes the hundred, then five hundred mile point, wishing that I could keep it feeling new forever. Balance that with the fact that for that first hundred miles or so, I had trouble accepting that the car was really mine. I paid for it in cash, owed nothing and yet felt a certain uneasiness. Like it was only a rental or something. Then I worried that actually driving it around town was akin to showing off. Like I was trying to draw attention to myself when in reality I was trying to keep it quiet from co-workers and anyone else that I had something shiny and new. 
• You go to work every day and try to do your best and maybe you deserve an occasional reward or feeling of recognition and accomplishment. Even if you're the one providing such (new car). So I don't know why I have to experience these accompaning moments of doubt? But that's me I guess. That's the way my mind works. 

Those Debit Card Banking Blues

I walked into my local record store a few days ago and while checking out, my debit card transaction was denied. (I truly hate it when that happens!!!) The result of a cashiers check drawn earlier in the day from the bank, which was taken from the wrong account suddenly leaving my checking account in the red for a good chunk of the amount of a large purchase. The record shop owner told me to go ahead and take the Pink Floyd rarities disc home ..... that she'd see me again. Or maybe she knows just how guilty I can feel about such things.

Anyway, It's sure nice to know that I have a repuatation where I can be trusted to make good on debts.

Damn bank teller!! It's what I've been saying lately, that people don't listen. As I was walking away, I thought it odd that I wasn't given a receipt with adjusted balances for both accounts. But since I made the fear inspiring switch to direct payroll deposit, I've forgotten about the procedures and processes of a bank. Hell there wasn't even anyone in there that knew my face and name anymore. I used to be able to "bank" on recognition by several people.

Vacation Day Three

I could really get to like this sleeping without an alarm clock thing.

Vacation!!

Day one of vacation: Catching up on a years worth of back sleep. More sleep planned for day two. Yeah I know, it's boring but it's what's needed. To this point, all going according to plan and not feeling guilty in the least. Planning on doing some new car shopping at some point this week which may be too much excitement for me.

Missed viewing last night's supermoon, supposedly the supermoon of the half century (or longer), because of heavy cloud cover and rain. Made me want to scream and stomp my feet in frustration. It's the only time that I wished I lived in a location more ideal for viewing the sky.

Why does a plastic sleeve make almost any old vinyl record cover look about a hundred times cooler?

Election Thoughts

Just a dozen or so obsevations and thoughts from someone who is trying to understand what's going on and without revealing how I voted. And just because I prefer to keep my opinions to myself doesn't mean that I don't hold strong personal beliefs ....... This may be as political as I ever get. At least when it comes to sharing my opinions.

Apparently people are tired of the past being the same old crap regardless of which party wins the presidency. Looks like this time they are leaning towards something different. Whether it truly turns out to be different, we'll have to wait and see.

I see people just freaking out about the way things are going tonight. Why? You still have to go on with your life. You expected the other side to be respectful and accept the results if they had gone your way. You need to do the same. Stop reacting like a child. Apparently there's many who think that the assumed winner for much of the past year, suddenly looking like a very possible loser, is equally or more corrupt and reprehensible. if that's how they feel, you can't really argue with it. They're entitled to opinions as well. Whether you think they are informed or not. Whether they fit your view of the world or not.

The future certainly appears uncertain tonight .... maybe even a little frightening. But when you stop and think about it that's how it's always been whenever someone new is coming in.

Candidates for political office say and promise a great many things in order to get elected. Often going to extremes. How many of those promises will they actually follow through on? And then, how many will they actually be able to deliver?

You (people in general) can't seem to grasp how a group of people from one side can possibly support their candidate who in your mind is evil multiplied. Well those people on the other side feel exactly the same about your support of your candidate. No one seems to understand this when reacting to results.

Are others wrong in their beliefs just because you think that you are unquestionably right?

I marvel at some folks ability to post negative comments on social media about one candidate while looking beyond the flaws of the other. Maybe what disgusts you isn't at the top of the list for me.

I drove by a local downtown store a few nights ago and couldn't help but notice at least a dozen homeless people sleeping or preparing to sleep, up against the wall. If these people exercised their voting rights, I'm sure it wasn't for more of the same. I'm sure they'd vote for something completely different. How many people across the country are trapped in hopeless situations? It's not just the homeless but countless others who see living expenses always going up without parallel increases in their income. When does this trend stop? Those people most likely are not going to vote for what they see as more of the same.

Downtown Parking Racket

Hey what's that yellow thing under my windshield wiper? Oh shit, I'm in a thirty minute parking spot and it's (maybe) been thirty-one minutes and eighteen seconds. Oh well, It surerly can't be more than a $10 ticket. (It's been awhile since I've had one so I had no clue of present rates.) Say What!! $25?? For five or ten minutes of overtime parking?? I thought they usually gave you a few minutes grace period. The city has quite the racket going. A bunch of frickin' mobsters! The guy must have been sitting in the coffee shop across the street, out of the rain, noting the exact second I pulled into the spot. He certainly was no where to be seen.

They ought to at least check their records and see if you're a serial offender. Then fine the rotten scoundrel accordingly. Let us know that they're watching.

Watching and Listening

With camera in hand, watching the geese fly by in waves, headed south. Fascinating seasonal viewing and listening!! Every thirty seconds or so, a new group, mostly in perfect letter "V" formation. It's like there's a pre-arranged and agreed upon distance between each flock. Reminding of a near neverending Main Street parade of marching bands in their timing, precision and vocalizations. Just enough space between them that one flocks passing over and honking doesn't intrude on the presence of those that preceeded and those that followed. As the soundings from one slowly fade out towards silence, you suddenly hear the distant callings approaching of the next wave. Amazing how it all plays out at this appointed time.

The Return of Normalcy ...... And a Bowl of Posole

There seemed to be a jubilant, festive mood among people after work yesterday. It was the beginning of the first two-day weekend for everyone in quite awhile. And we also gain an extra hour of sleep or play as we "fall back" this weekend.

The light at the end of the tunnel that some of us have looked forward to since June, has arrived!!

A contributing factor might have been the posole that many of us feasted on for lunch? I thought I saw multiple crock pots of the stuff!! A birthday celebration also doubling as a transitional moment fiesta. It did warm the bones (exceedingly old bones in my case) after a chilly morning. It was needed!! ...... And it left everyone smiling.

Good food has the power to alter foul moods and bad attitudes.

My Mind Works In Strange Ways

This is one of the reasons that I suddenly want to retire ...... Woke up at 4:30am this morning and started thinking about what-ifs. Even despite being told the day before that I didn't need to worry about going in. I re-read the production note searching for answers that it failed to provide. Just gray and fuzzy areas. So instead of going back to sleep, I mulled it over for two hours and ended up driving out there just to silence the voices in my head.

I strolled in the door and heads turned. I could sense people thinking: "What the hell are you doing here?" It was no more than two or three minutes after arrival that I was back in my car driving home, cursing my needless worrying.

There's thirty more minutes off my life.

And I fear that whenever I do retire, I'll still be haunted by those what-ifs. Like I should go double and triple check the paperwork in case I forgot to dot a crucial letter, i, voiding my retirement.

Spoken Words

Wandered into a poetry reading tonight at the downtown bookstore. The first where I intentionally stopped and listened for the duration. It definitely won't be my last. A local doctor who writes more than prescriptions. There was maybe fifteen people there in the audience but a wide range of ages represented. I very much enjoyed the time, captured by the authors spoken delivery of his written words. It helps with feeling the intent behind the words.

It also helped me realize that not everything has to make sense to me. It's his story, his thoughts. He used the words that meant something to him. He doesn't have to explain it and I don't need to understand every useage and combination of words. I can still form a visual of what I'm hearing without understanding its origin.

After the reading, people in the audience stood up and read their own works. Now that would be sheer terror. But with time, I'm hoping to downgrade that reaction.

New Season

I'm now two-for-two in this young season. In chronilogical order: Get excited beforehand about the Blazers game. Take care of pregame routines, chores, meals, etc.. It's gametime!! Sit down in my favorite chair. Sleep through 95% of the game. Go online and read about what I missed.

Seemingly setting the tone for a good chance at a perfect season.

These games are one of the few things keeping me from dropping my current cable tv service or provider. So if I'm going to snooze through all the games, I might as well save some money and end the relationship.

Kicking Myself Again

Sometimes I could kick myself!! The pretty girl working in the bookstore with multiple piercings and tatoos asked me if my name was Michael. "I thought so" she said. "I'm finally getting to know people's names." Like I usually do in those situations, I stood there surprised and speechless with a shy smile. I never seem to know how to react until after the moment has passed. I could have asked her name or expressed how flattered that I was but Nooooooo ..... I was purchasing a couple books of poems at the time. I could have asked if she was a fan of the genre but Noooooo ....

A chance to possibly make a friend and again I blew it.

I've seen her in the store before and just assumed that she saw me as some goofy old geezer.

Like they say, one should never assume. I'm having issues with that lesson though.

I must have been showing my feelings about being recognized and remembered though because a minute or two later, outside on the sidewalk, a passerby smiled and said hello. I must have been displaying a semi-approachable front instead of my usual stone faced killer look.

B Movie Time Again

Added to my really incredibly bad, 1950's, black and white, sci-fi/horror movies viewing. One of my favorite genres since I was a teenager. "The Killer Shrews." Starring James Best who would years later go on to fame as Roscoe P. Coltrane.

I even recorded it to disc .... you know just in case friends want to come over and watch it. Or if I'm in the mood at 2:00am some future freaky random Saturday night ..... which happens to be its proper time slot. What I mean to say is, if it was good enough for Turner Classics Movie channel .......

It matters not to me what others might think. I think these types of films are classics!! Bad, inane, mind numbing dialogue, bad laughable acting, really bad plot, but great fun. Reminding me of staying up late on the weekends, with a dozen Dunkin' Donuts and maybe a friend or two. Shooting baskets in the driveway, playing pool in the garage and laughing over some bad television. My kind of party life back then.

My parents must have thought this behavior abnormal. Yet they allowed it. Better in their minds I suppose than joy riding in dad's truck and running it into a tree at odd hours. Which my brother once did .... well except that it wasn't dad's truck, it was my car. But I'm straying off topic now. Funny the things a bad movie will cause you to remember.

You Just Never Know!

Heard that an old friend from my youth has retired for health reasons. Of all the people in my crowd of friends you would have thought him the least likely to experience health issues at age sixty that would force a lifestyle change. I don't think he gained an ounce of weight since age eighteen. He worked as a nurse. The last time I saw him (five years ago) he was riding a bike around town. He displayed no (or very few) signs of getting older. If you placed his student ID photo from college alongside a photo at age 55, you might have to look twice to determine which was which. Everything seemingly lined up towards him as being healthy into infinity and beyond. Then a year or two ago there was the shocking news that he had suffered a heart attack.

You just never know!!

Seasonal Transition Blues

This has not been the type of Autumn that I love so much. Way too much rain. No beautiful evenings where you can feel subtle hints at the transition between the seasons. Instead there's been major punches to the gut and face, loudly announcing the changeover from Summer. Few and far between have been the moments to enjoy a walk among the changing colors.

It's been like one fell asleep on September 15th and awoke on December 1st.

A shock to my biological clock!! The glass covering has been shattered!!

The Storm of the Decade ..... Errrrr, Make That the Week

They predicted a couple of days of big storms, particularly day two, which they warned of potential for major mess and to stock up on drinking water and batteries because there likely would be major power outages and while it was certainly windy and wet, it didn't approach the scare we were told to prepare for. We got all excited for a certain degree of calamity and chaos and got something less.

That's not to mock mother nature too much though ..... indeed there was an F2 tornado over at the coast that did some building damage and caused power outages in places. Just not the seemingly widespread borderline end-of-the-world scenario that was feared. When it was all over there was a feeling of: We got all worked up for this? And beforehand, there never was an impending sense of doom that's been sensed a time or two previously.

So I survived the big blow and accompanying downpour of 10-15-16 without employing candles, flashlights, canned goods, chainsaws, blankets, etc..

I didn't even get to go home early from work.

Thoughts This Morning

Woke up this morning and first thought was (well maybe actually my second thought after the initial, "I'm freezing ...."): "Hey maybe there's some good college football on TV."

Then I realized it was only Thursday.

It could at least have the decency to be Friday.

That's what these six and seven day work weeks do to a person. You're never quite sure what day it is. Or even what hour it is. Time spins by so fast. One day it's Memorial day, then suddenly, it's mid-October. You feel like you're about to turn sixty-one before you ever got around to experiencing sixty.

I want to retire at 62. Like several other people I know. But I'm concerned that I won't be able to afford it. Maybe I should stick around until I qualify for the maximum benefits? But then there's the possibility that I might not survive that long.

I've always had issues with walking away from things that I made commitments to. And I'd say that forty-one years qualifies as a commitment. But I'm suddenly feeling beyond all that. It's like I woke up one day and my emotional or sentimental attachment had vanished. I'm ready to go.

I want to think to myself, Here's this activity I want to do today and I have this huge window of time to do it in. Instead of the current, I have to hustle and do it right now or not at all. And not-at-all is the choice that's often played out.

Mostly I just want life to slow down.

Big wind and rain storms coming in the next few days. I'm excited. With that often comes photo ops!

Matters of the Mind

It's funny how some days you just don't feel so well and you end up convincing yourself that you're dying and the more you fret over that thought, you eventually decide that you most likely have some form of incurable, late stage cancer.

..... Then a few hours later or maybe the next day, you're back to feeling fine and all is well again in your world. False alarm. You're not dying after all!! At least not today or tomorrow.

..... And despite supposed increased intellect, this process becomes more frequent with age. 

Pet Peeve Update

My latest pet peeve? ..... People at work who continue to make mistakes due to a lack of focus or just plain not paying attention to details and who never apologize or learn from their mistakes and who apparently have no regard for how their mistakes cause more work for others (not just myself) who are already at their limits of what they can do in a day.

I can understand and deal with occasional mistakes by anyone in a fast paced, crazy situation like we have, but when they just keep repeating the same mistakes daily and seem to make no effort at improving their job performance .... that's a little more difficult to just smile and say, "That's ok, no problem. I'll take care of it." And then when the person expresses no remorse? well it becomes a little more difficult to mask your displeasure with each new occurance.

Book Bonanza

Been hoping to stumble across this book since first taking note of it's existence a year or two ago and today .... There it was!!! On the shelf in the downtown used book store. I was preparing to depart and decided to change direction and take a glance at the music section. Had I waited another day, another geek might have found it. The ultimate coffee table book!! Though I may have to find a special display case. Heaven for a record collecting fool such as I. Photos and interviews with other geeks, all much more advanced in their obsession for vinyl than myself. I'll be taking in and savoring every page. There may also be some drooling and envy involved.

The full title: Dust & Grooves - Adventures In Record Collecting. 436 pages!!

The Angela Dream

Sure didn't want to wake up from that one ..... A dream where I was close with Angela!! Walking together, holding hands, sharing thoughts! Seemed like only a few seconds in length. If I could be granted only one wish for my life ....

.... Or to never wake up from the dream.

Afraid to make mention of it to Miss Angela  though. What would she think? I'll just let the remaining after effects linger and float in my consciousness awhile. Don't need them to be shot down and discouraged. I know the reality. A little pleasant imagination running amok hurts no one. Whatever helps get a person through the day or their life.

Judging Others

Now this is certainly something I can agree with. A well thought out collection of vinyl says much about a person. Are they seeking obscure treasures or simply settling for the greatest hits? How have they cared for those records? Has it been a life-long passion? The answers speak to the depth of a person's character.

A friend once attempted to convince me that I should give up my collection. No way was that going to happen!! His idea of donating them to a charitable organization can wait until I pass away. There's too much of my life invested in those records. Close to fifty years!! It has nothing to do with money spent or monetary value.

Meet and Greet

Wow! A friend has his picture taken with "The Boss" (Mr. Springsteen) at a Portland book signing, meet-and-greet event, crossing an item off his bucket list.

Best I can offer is the time I said "Thank you" to Ellis Paul as he sat in the lobby of Mississippi Studios, a small venue in Portland. Or nearly brushing shoulders with Gillian Welch at Music Millenium after an in-store performance when I let myself get pushed into a corner of the store where I couldn't even see the concert. It didn't register though that it was indeed her that walked by me amongst the crowd until after the fact. I was like: "Heyyyyyyy wasn't that ....... Yeah it was!!"

Memories of Rainfalls Past

Awake and in front of the computer at 5:00am. (Way too early!) Listening to the Autumn rain falling on the roof. Hoping it doesn't strip too many leafs from the trees too soon. Giving chills .... A stark reminder of Fall Youth Soccer days in the past. Too many all-day sessions standing in the rain. Soaking wet. Paralyzing!! A deep chill that would resonate in a persons bones for days after. In fact it still does!! Maybe the worst aspect of it was being up at this same hour, hearing the rain and preparing for the day. Knowing what was ahead. I wouldn't wish that sensation on anyone and would never want to experience it again.

Words

I don't know why I say some of the stupid stuff that I do. Words just come out. In that moment, it feels like it needs to be said. But halfway through the sentence you know you're going to regret saying it. But the mouth ceasing to spout off lags behind the feelings of regret. By the time the brain starts functioning properly, it's often too late. Then it weighs heavily on my thoughts for the next 8-24 hours. Until someone else comes along with something equally stupid that supercedes my efforts or I'm convinced that enough time has gone by that my words have been forgotten. Sometimes you just need a new day to arrive to reset things. You swear it will never happen again. But that's just hopeful thinking ..... false promises. Because it always happens again. It's just the next flash point away.

More Sunday Notes

• While downtown, saw a guy walking along the sidewalk sporting a salt and pepper goatee, brown leather jacket, light blue jeans, white t-shirt, black beret ..... and looking ultra cool. (I failed to make note of his shoes.) Thought to myself: "That's my look. I could possibly pull that off and appear just as hip!"
• Went for a walk in the park. Nearly everyone you cross paths with smiles and says hello in that setting. When I retire, these walks will become a daily endeavor.
• Rumors of a guy at work getting caught by his wife sharing tamales with another woman and the resulting negative reaction. While it may be uneventful at times, I sure am glad not to have that sort of drama in my life.
• Found some seventeen year old video of myself and friends hooping it up on a Sunday night. Not to boast (too much) but my jump shot sure was developed to a pretty sight back then. It must have been a surprise to many when it didn't go in. 

Obsessed With Dust

I bought a cover for my toaster. Ever since I’ve become fanatical about hand washing, I’ve worried and fretted about the toaster as well. I don’t care for the vision of dust floating around the atmosphere and making entry via the open toaster slots and adhering their infinite atoms, molecules and particles to my generously buttered toast. Seems like it would be a common concern of all lovers of toast and that a dust cover should be included with all new toaster purchases but they’re not …..  and you can’t find a toaster cover anywhere in this town. It got to the point where every time I had a yearning for a slice of toast, I was considering the purchase of a new toaster. I suppose I could have employed a towel but being me, I wanted something moderately artsy-fartsy looking and manufactured specifically for the job. So I discovered, The Cover Store on Amazon.

And hopefully the cover will deter counter crawling bugs and ants also. Because that visual doesn’t especially appeal to my tastes either.

Thank You

I'm guilty of not saying the words "Thank you" enough. Particularly to deserving co-workers. I had an instance yesterday where the thought that I needed to express as much, suddenly washed over me, That a display of gratitude would be appropriate for the moment. Then to discover, that in fact, it didn't hurt. It felt a little awkward but it wasn't excruciatingly painful. It's not showing weakness. And if done more consistently, maybe the awkwardness of displaying a different face to be seen by those who don't see it enough, would fade.

Maybe I'll try it again!! Not making any promises but something to strive for.

Something else ..... Why is it seemingly easier to express thanks in a different language? "Gracias" flows out with much less hesitation.

More Notes

• Working these endless shifts of odd hours and weekends, you sometimes have to make a conscious effort to avoid falling into ruts where I can easily spend all my hours away from work at home either sleeping or just too exhausted to go anywhere. Being single, unless I get out and order some food or something, there are days where I might not utter a word for the sixteen hours between shifts at work. When one goes that long without speaking, I sometimes wonder if the words will come out when I do have to speak again. Like I might forget how to speak from lack of practice or the vocal chords might just shut it down from lack of use.
• Too much of a single, unchanging voice. That’s what I think of my attempts to write poetry. It all sounds the same. And it all sounds like I’m trying too hard to describe some sort of grand, epic, never-ending, cataclysmic story. It gets to the point mentally where I don’t want to continue. I’d very much like to write with more ease and simplicity and a more varied approach but it never seems to happen.  
• A dream where I was playing a game of one-on-one with an old high school classmate and ex-super jock and using a combination of moves and shot styles observed and stolen from Stephen Curry and Larry Bird, winning handily and literally making every shot I threw up which led said old unnamed but current facebook friend classmate to mix up some sort of foul smelling health and energy brew in my parents garage in preperation for a rematch. A lot better than my usual bizzarro world/horror movie type dreams.
• Ever find yourself sitting on a lonely warehouse loading dock, late, late Saturday night, feeling exhausted and ill and gazing at a dark western sky where the moon and stars are obscured by clouds and while a light mist is falling ..... wondering what the hell happened to your life?

Losing My Dignity

Without going into the bizarre details, I sure am relieved that what I just awoke from was only a ground breaking wierd dream. Had it been real life, I wouldn't have an ounce of dignity remaining. Four or five different sub-plots, all lacking in grace and humility on my part.

Notes

• Thirty-four consecutive and mostly insanely hectic days at work tends to make the summer pass by in a flash. It was June just a few blinks of the eye ago and now suddenly it's somehow September. It just emphasizes how life is passing by too quickly. I have moments where I try and slow things down but they don't last for long.
• How nice it would be to naturally have a way with words. I generally feel like I have much to say but don't seem to be able to express those thoughts. 
• Downtown Salem is becoming an exciting destination. New concepts and approaches to lunch and dinner will do that for a place. Also staying open later into the evening. For most of my life, downtown has shut down at 6:00pm. Now though, more and more places are open for business well into the evening hours.
• Feeling a little down about notification of an upcoming increased financial responsibility but what the hell, you can't brood about that shit for too long. I still want to enjoy a few aspects of my daily life.
• As much as I'd like to return to the ways of my younger days where I would stay up most of the night ..... I just can't pull it off anymore. By 10:00pm I'm feeling the urgent need for sleep.

Business Tactics 101

It must be one of the key points of emphasis in business management strategies and courses. I've repeatedly seen it played out to the same ending. You make the rounds of several management types with your concerns. As you explain your issue you notice management staring off into space, far beyond you.You receive either no response or their attempt to cause you to feel guilty because you've worked through your break and lunch for three consecutive weeks (and why not four?) .... Like you're still not doing enough. After awhile, you just give up and in extreme frustration, walk away, secure in the knowledge that they were never really listening and don't give a green rats ass about your problems and the people working for you. They just want to push for more. It's like you've been standing there slowly aging while talking to a cardboard cutout of each management representative.

Your only satisfaction is when karma strikes and you see their methods come back to bite them in the ass. It then feels so good to just stand back and chuckle.

CRAMP!!!

No warning given. Just a slight leg movement and ..... CRAMP!!! Paralyzing. Muffled screaming. It hurt like hell. Like someone thrust a knife deep into my leg. A struggle to crawl over to the coffee table and solid support while I fought to stand. Stood there, bent over at the waist for several moments slowly stretching out towards a closer to normal standing position. Dragged the leg behind as I eventually made my way to the kitchen and water. Worried for a few minutes .... "What if this isn't any better by the time I depart for work in the morning? What if I never walk again?"

The pain, lessened than worsened, lessened than worsened!!! It seemed to extend itself from the epicenter, south to below my knee and north to my hip.

I recall words penned to an online newspaper page where some freakazoid was complaining about Lebron James (I think it was) once sitting out valuble minutes in a basketball game with recurring leg cramps. That he should just suck it up and get on the court and earn his millions. It's the playoffs by God!! That guy had no idea. Not even a masochist could play through this!

Sign On The Wall

This is me these days. I'll have something in mind that I want to look into and literally seconds later, I'll have forgotten it. Though I prefer to think of it as information overload rather than having memory issues. Sixty years of data going in for storage and something's eventually bound to leak out. Has to happen!! I would rather laugh at it than fight it.

An example from a recent typical hectic day in the work world: A chore came to mind requiring a lift truck. An available lift truck was parked about twenty feet away. I hopped into the drivers seat ..... and couldn't recall the reason why. I blame the hectic nature of the day more than any other factor. I generally have a dozen chores in mind that need immediate doing. And my mind is like a revolving door with each chore pasing by my inner eyes in an endless loop.

Senior Blues

OK now my feelings are hurt ..... I was asked if I wanted the regular price or the senior discount. You see, I don't mind asking for it if it's not offered and am even eager to show them my identification, despite my horrifying ODL photo, but I don't want it assumed that I might qualify.

..... And speaking of that horrifying photo, I wouldn't even post that picture on Facebook if my Mother was my only friend.

Kids These Days

Every once in a great while, I'll see a kid where I work, skinny and dorky looking, probably on his first job, reminding me of me when I first started, forty thousand years ago .... well maybe only forty-two years ago, unsure of the routine, afraid to ask questions, terrified of the supervisors. And I feel for that kid. Hoping that he'll figure it all out and move on to something better.

I've seen some of these kids over the years, who seem to have their post-teenage life planned out and they're confident and agressive at moving towards their goals and I feel good for them. But there's others who just seem to be living moment to moment and their words and body language tells you that they have no idea about next week or next year and then you look around at what's going on in the world and I'm almost happy and relieved sometimes that the majority of my years are most likely behind me, unless I live to be 120, but I wonder what the future holds for those kids. And hopefully they'll figure things out like I eventually did. A few things anyway. Like where's the nearest water fountain.

Nightmare # 3047

The other evening, a nightmare of sorts. A dream that my local record store was suddenly under new unfamilar ownership and had expanded into the building adjacent to them, creating much more space and adding all kinds of shiny things that flashed and glittered but offering much less music. Truly a relief to awaken from that dream.

I've had this fear that it would one day go away leaving nothing. I've seen so many local record stores and bookstores fade away in my lifetime that I sometimes want to cry. They add vitality, culture and atmosphere to any street or corner where they are found. There was a day when they were plentiful and if one did happen to close up you could count on another soon opening up to fill the void. Those were days when people would browse bins and racks of music and books instead of browsing their cell phones.

Got Them Jury Duty Blues

"The case has been settled." .... Words heard this afternoon when phoning in for possible jury duty. Two weeks of worrying for nothing. All shot to hell. Seems like 75% of the scheduled court cases end this way. Not that I was overly anxious to report. It's not exactly as dramatic and thrilling as it's often made out to be by movies and television. There's way too much sitting around and wondering what's going on.

This was to be a "special jury panel" and a case estimated to last twelve days involving a murder. Still, I was feeling horrible about potentially missing a substantial amount of work at our crazy busy time of the year and creating a hardship for several other people. But it's been so insanely crazy busy lately that I was beginning to look at jury duty as a vacation of sorts. Torn about not wanting to make life more difficult for co-workers while deperately wanting to get away from the headaches and stress. And it's been weighing heavily on my mind for the past two weeks since my request for deferral was (seemingly coldly) denied.

So until I'm summoned again .....

42 Years

Legs feeling stronger as the days become more hectic at work. (Maybe they even have a little more basketball in them?) They generally call it quits though about a half hour before the end of the shift. The final thirty minutes is usually a real struggle. It's almost like they can tell time.

Difficult to believe that this is my 42nd season in that place. I guess that's rare loyalty no matter how much I complain and moan about the workplace. There was no indication when I started that I'd still be around in 2016, a year that I couldn't even imagine ever seeing back then. Feels like an accomplishment that I failed to get myself terminated at some point along the way. I was teetering on the edge a time or two. If I stick it out for another eight years, I think I'll be deserving of a watch or something.

Thoughts and Musings

• Even if I'm right half of the time, it feels like I'm wrong all of the time.
• Looked on from afar this weekend, as the facts of life played out. The old (Alex Rodriguez) departing, making way for the young (Aaron Judge and Tyler Austin) taking their place. Sad and exciting times in baseball history. 
• A person at work typing a document for many eyes, containing the word "shift," accidently left out a letter in the final emailed version. Speaking purely odds-wise there's a 20% chance of it being any of the specific letters in the word, but in reality there's actually about a 99% chance of the letter that was omited being the one. Care to take a wild guess?
• Don't know why but the song I've been waiting all day to get home and hear is Bob Dylan's, Positively 4th Street.
• Saturday evening, warm and muggy, downtown rocking with live music, clouds moving in, transitional colored sky, shortcut through a lonely alley, bookstore browsing, window shopping, posted events and announcements, lady on the corner making jewelry, man a couple blocks away talking to himself, people having dinner, wailing ambulance racing by, 20-somethings arranging and re-arranging musical equipment in their trunk .... a collage of sights and sounds, worth capturing for posterity.

End Of Week Notes

• I love it when an evening in August feels more like October and less like August. Tonight is one of those evenings.
• Jury duty a week from now. My request for deferral denied. A "Special Jury Panel." If  I end up on the jury, it's estimated the trial will last twelve days. Involving a murder. Sounds awful serious. If making the cut, I fear I would end up like Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men. It may be difficult to convince me of guilt without video evidence of the act or damning testimony from the accused's own mother.
• You know you're getting old and less hip when you see a online list of celebrities known for this or that oddity and only recognize two of the fifteen names.
• Inquired about a guy who was missing from work ...... "Oh he had an argument with his girlfriend this morning and his car broke down" was the response. My understanding of the unfolding events was that the car broke down first and then the argument with the girlfriend who was going to give him a ride to work and well apparently he was suddenly on his own. Sure am glad that I haven't had one of those kind of days for quite awhile. Gave me instant chills.
• There's something satisfying about a life that while it may be boring, has stability in most other aspects. That's where I'm at these days. Don't underestimate stability and a lack of worries.
• A week like no other in Yankee history as I've known it. Five trades, three of them huge, then a long awaited call-up of a young stud from the minors, with the promise of more to soon follow, and capped off with Mark Teixiera and A-Rod announcing their retirements. "Rocking your (Yankee) world" kind of stuff. I'm left wondering if those retiring really wanted to do it or if there were strong suggestions by yankee ownership and management?

Sunday Notes

• It should be a requirement that all books of poetry should be available primarily in hardcover. 
• These days the thing I enjoy the most is being out for a long stroll, eyes open for images to photograph, then once home, a late evening movie.
• Now I've seen it all in the days of my Yankee fandom .... A triple to leadoff the game and thrown out at home attempting to stretch it into a home run.
• Regarding politics, people talk and talk but rarely hear what they're saying. They plead fairness on their part to the views of others but the words are actually just as one-sided as those who are openly partial and insulting.
• Does every generation in their 60's, begin feeling sorry about the futures of the much younger generations following them? Sometimes their future appears pretty bleak. 

Correcting False Information ..... AKA Potential Rant of the Day

Was taken aback a little, errrrrrr a lot, by a friends posting on Facebook of a John Hiatt video for his song "Have a Little Faith In Me" and then making the comment that "He isn't very popular." And someone else replying, "Who?" I mean, that kind of language just gets me all riled up.

WRONG!!! I wanted to say. He's actually well known among those who know good music. But I figured that would offend plenty of people. Like I'm insinuating that most people don't know really good music .... which I actually do believe is true. But I don't want to start an argument so I refrained and instead said that he's well known among those into Singer/Songwriters and has about a dozen great albums. I figured that was PC enough. And hopefully I provided a little music education.

If John Hiatt is not well known it's because too many people settle for mediocrity in their music choices and don't search for quality. They blindly accept what their television tells them is good.

OK, I'm feeling better now.

Consider The Foot

You ever stop for a moment and look at your feet and wonder just how they do it? The constant running, walking, jumping, stop-and-go, etc...? Study the foot. All muscle and veins. Not an ounce of fat. Yet it looks so frail and tightly wound. It looks at all times like it's ready to snap and break. It takes more abuse than any other body part and keeps coming back for more. You'd think there would be a breaking point. And it's so difficult to find the perfect pair of shoes to pamper and care for those feet.

Merging For Fun and Pleasure

A story on the news today ..... I don't understand why some random YAHOO running amok would get irate to the point where they would point a gun at another driver simply for not signaling when merging onto the freeway. It's not like the merging driver has any other options available. If a car is in the on-ramp, then it's going to merge. It's not like you're getting caught by surprise. So why get upset at something that is going to happen, signal or no signal?

There's way too many nutjobs out there getting set off by the slightest occurances!!

Sunday Notes

• A day off from work. A trip to an art gallery in Silverton. A couple purchases which led to a little re-arranging of things at home and it suddenly feels like a total makeover. 
• The single day off from work sometimes feels like a cruel joke. It goes by so quickly. 
• I want to buy a new car sometime soon. Been checking out several models. It will possibly be my last new car purchase so I want to be very selective. Just for once, I want to feel like a king.
• More and more, I am having a difficult time enjoying anything about work. Is this when people know that it's time to start thinking about retirement? 
• Watched the 1959 movie, The World, The Flesh and The Devil. about three survivors of a nuclear holocaust. I'd never heard of it before yesterday. So many great movies from the 1950's. In my opinion, the greatest decade for movies. 

Free Falling (Apologies to Tom Petty)

You're descending a ladder when your attention is suddenly drawn elsewhere by an unexpected sound. In that instant you forget where you are at. You think you are on the bottom rung and your foot taking the next step is searching for the assumed solid ground. You release your grip on the side of the ladder while the foot still seeks the surface it knows is there. But your other foot is still actually on the second rung.

It's a strange sensation ..... that instant where you realize you are falling. Helpless. Like you are watching it all take place in slow-motion from ten feet away. Your foot finds the ground but it's too late to regain control. Somehow, like a cat, you've managed to go from falling backwards to landing on your hands and knees. The sudden impact with concrete shakes and rattles your world. (And tears a hole in the knee of your jeans.) You wonder for an instant if you can get up. You're sixty afterall. Are you not supposed to be in that stage of life where: "I've fallen and can't get up."? Apparently not yet it seems.

You're on all fours for several extended seconds it seems, waiting to see if the pain from a broken bone arrives. Reminded of the teenage years and playing football with friends. Hearing a loud snap as the play ended in a tackle. Knowing that someone had just broken a bone but who? It seemed like an eternity before the screaming ensued. Return to the present and all seems to be OK, spare a little (or much) embarrasment and a few scapes and bruises. All prior efforts at putting forth an image of dignity and grace have just been shot to hell. Officially a klutz now.

You're in the first aid room and it's asked if there were any witnesses. "I don't know. No one came rushing over" to help you up. Either there were no witnesses or no one cares. Gotta be one of those choices. Hours later, you're asked just how you managed to get up from the ground (like the person asking also thinks you're in that fallen and can't get up stage of life.) "Ummmmmm well I just got up." You might be old and grouchy and grizzled and gray but you can still take a fall.

Simplifying My World

Finally overcame my massive fears and took the plunge into online banking. The deciding factor may have been the paperless statement option. I had grown weary of these twelve page monthly statements that I'd end up cutting into tiny pieces. Small enough that it would require the universe's alltime jigsaw puzzle master to re-assemble. This on the heels of the life changing decision of direct deposit of my paycheck.

I've decided to stop worrying that my use of such technology would possibly hasten the arrival of the end times. I've decided that online banking is safer than trusting my mailman to be 100% accurate when delivering bank statements to my mailbox. And I was growing increasingly weary of trips to the bank or ATM. I'd have plans formulated to do this and that and this and as I was walking out the door these great plans always seemed to gain the late addition of: "Oh shit, I have to stop at the bank first. Damn, now I don't want to leave home!"

And all this on the heels of getting rid of my home phone and all the scam phone calls that never end ..... and by-the-way, you owe us $75 a month for us letting all these scam calls get through our high tech wires to your home.

I'm discovering that the older one gets, the less bullshit-like details and hassles they are willing to have in their life.

Art Mania!!!

Salem Art Fair happening this weekend and later today I hope to find something that I NEED to bring home. I walk around the setting in the park and want one of everything. If only I were a professional basketball player just having signed a free agent contract the past few weeks. Incredible money going to players who haven't done all that much in their career to this point.

But I digress. I never cared much for the artsy-fartsy scene until six years ago. Thankful now that I was open to changes in my lifestyle. These days I like to think of myself as a collector. A question that stumped me upon being asked as I was purchasing my first painting. I couldn't see on that day what would develop. My style? ..... Modern Eclectic Eccentric Wierdo maybe? Leaning towards the works of local artists. I love looking around my place and thinking: "This is Oregon. This is the Northwest!" I know nothing about what I'm collecting. Just working off emotions and reactions to what I see. What moves my inner freak.

I do have a thing for the abstract image with some sort of recognizable human figure dealing with confusion or dilemma.

Thus I venture forth with eyes wide open ....

20-Something White Trash

Even with all the problems that go with being sixty, so happy today to be well clear of that 20-something, white trash stage of life where the ATM won't accept your check and after repeated failed attempts to deposit, you resort to yelling at your slacker boyfriend who's sitting in the car, about his money always being so wrinkled up. They're probably still driving around town searching for someplace that will cash that crumpled check. A bunch of agony that I think I've finally earned the right to avoid.

In Your Eyes

Heard some not-so-good news a few days ago regarding a co-workers marital status. Suddenly I can clearly see things in the persons eyes that I was oblivious to before. Fears, chills, betrayal and lonliness. A person that previously I would joke easily with 99% of the time ..... Now I'm watching every word that I utter, not wanting to worsen things. Remembing what I went through many years ago. Where normally I would light heartedly joke about the persons spouse, now I won't speak the name. Knowing that a person going through this hell, most likely wants to keep the details private from all but possibly their closest confidant. Where I was blind to it just a few days ago I can now see it all in the facial expressions. It's funny what just a tiny bit of knowledge can do for one's perception. It might be my immagination but while I swore that I would not spread what I was told to anyone else, it's like I can suddenly sense a number of people around me talking about it.

My co-worker stopped me this evening and wanted to show me dozens of photos on her cell phone. Of herself, her mother and children. I couldn't help but notice that in none of these pictures was the face of her spouse. I stayed far away from mentioning his name. Knowing that she is probably attempting to cover her hurt.

The Cola Challenge

I kicked Pepsi and Coke cold turkey three or four months ago. Yet some people are having difficulties with believing that. They offer me a bottle, I politely decline and feelings get hurt. Like I'm insulting them by turning away an act of kindness. I try to explain that I was experiencing certain difficulties, brainstormed possible reasons why and am making changes in long established routines in an attempt to feel normal again. Some people buy my explanation, others apparently assume that I don't have the willpower to follow through. But it's been awhile now and I'm feeling no urges to weaken my resolve.

Starting Over

I wonder if we could start the world all over again, would we do better the second try?

Alternate musing ...... If I could reset my life and change just one event, like taking college more seriously. Or staying married or having a child, how different would it have turned out?

I hope one day to be like William Stafford. To wake up early each morning (even though I currently don't enjoy waking up early) and write a poem. Or to note each day with a photograph.

These Days

Reached the point where so many of my old favorites are no longer releasing new music like they used to and I simply don't know much about the younger bands and musicians. I see all these records with their artwork but I have no idea what lies within.

And then when I find someone that I have interest in, I get into the record store and can't remember their name. I'm not sure if that's a getting older thing on my part or a lack of previous exposure and history? Did I easily recall Neil Young's name forty-five years ago after hearing his After The Goldrush album for the first time?

And radio doesn't assist in the discovery and information process like it once did. Most stations now are news and talk show formats and play little music. And then the stations that play music, mostly play country or Classic Rock. It's primarily becoming a process of randomly stumbling onto new sounds and hoping that they can produce a substantial body of work and become someone worth seeking out.

Weekend Notes or Having No Life

Ever been so tired and hurting physically that every thought about going somewhere and doing something, quickly gets shouted down by the inner voices? Even the ritualistic trip to the record store!! So tired that even while at home, the notion of putting a record on the turntable seems like it requires too much effort? That's what this summer cold has caused. So much for my fanatical hand washing efforts of the past year. I promise though to get out of this rut once I begin to feel a little better.

So I've been watching the classic movie channels. A few that I've seen lately .....

• The Fighting Sullivans .... Remembered the ending from viewing it 30-40 years ago but little else. 
• Dark Passage .... With Humphrey Bogart.
• The Keys of the Kingdom .... With Gregory Peck. I saw five minutes of it previously and knew I had to see the entire movie.
• Some Like It Hot
• The Horse Soldiers
• Bad Day At Black Rock .... Brooding and building. For the first half of the movie you know that something is about to explode but you're not sure what.

I'm especially fascinated with films made in the immediate years before I was born. Just seeing what things looked and felt like just before I arrived. Even if it's a movie set fifty or a hundred years in the past, you can still get a sense for the world you were about to enter.

I don't like how in June, it gets light at 5:00am. I like an extra hour or two of darkness in the morning. I don't care for the gentle hints that it's time to get up and get busy. I also don't like how the cough medicine seems to work in reverse. 

Musings On The NBA Draft

Watching the NBA draft the other night and for me, it just didn’t have the suspense that past drafts held. Probably because Portland didn't have a pick. One gets the feeling though that there really isn’t anyone beyond the top two picks who will make a real impact. And then one of the top two picks, they keep mentioning that he can’t shoot.

 

So the latest fad in basketball seems to be “wingspan.” As in he’s 6’9’ with a 7’3” wingspan. Then they list the weaknesses …. Poor defender, mediocre rebounder for his size, can’t shoot, etc. …. Seems like everyone has at least two weaknesses. But he’s got that incredible wingspan. Like it overrides the fact that a guy struggles with the jump shot. All my years of playing and watching and I’ve never noticed a difference between having and not having a great wingspan.

It’s like all these guys with “wingspan” were just born in the last twenty years. Like there was something in the water twenty years ago.  

 

Anyway, it’s got me wanting to measure my own wingspan. Who knows …. I’m only 6’1” but maybe I have the wingspan of an eight footer? I might still have “upside” at age 60.

And when the panel of experts describe each player, you get the impression that they just pre-record two or three different descriptions that cover all the players. Like there's no variety or difference between individual players of similar size. I guess that's what this AAU system gets you. A bunch of clones.  

Thoughts On A Career

4:30am at work. How many times have I been in this exact spot for the past forty years? Sitting at my desk playing drums with a ball point pen and pad of paper for Joseph Arthur’s song, “Chemical.” Sometimes wandering mindlessly both inside and outside.

I used to love this shift in my younger days when I engaged in recreational sports such as week night and weekend softball and basketball. And also working a second job on the side. Those days seem like eons ago and also like yesterday. Or maybe I just thought being awake at this insane hour was full of fun times and adventure. Sure do hate the hours now though. Things change with age. What the hell was going through my mind back then? Now I’d almost prefer eating bugs to working these hours.

I stumble around half awake and fully exhausted. Someone tells me that I look tired, which I vehemently deny but my denials are a thin façade. Why bother denials anyway. Either I look tired or somewhere opposite. Personally stumbling around the way I am, I wonder if I look drunk.

How many times have I been awake at this exact moment of the day, make that the night, over the past forty-plus years?

Did it ever enter my mind when I first signed on that this would turn out to be my life? The year 1975 then and it’s like I closed my eyes for just a moment and upon opening them it’s 2016.

I can see a thousand faces pass by while my eyes are closed, who once shared this experience but I’m the only one remaining in this place

I seem to recall reading somewhere that this type of lifestyle tends to shorten ones lifespan. I suppose that’s what one gets for lacking focus and the discipline to get down to business in their college years. Let me be an example to the youth of the world then. The poster boy of considering the opposite path. Of not doing like I do (or did).

But consider for a moment that many people never made it this far. I’ve never known real hunger. I’ve always had a warm place to call home. When I started out I used to wonder how I would survive year to year. Then one day I realized that it all worked out. I’m a mess but hey, I can still walk around. Plenty of people end up in wheelchairs before they reach this point.

Record Store Blues

It's funny ..... When spending time browsing the aisles at record stores and sneaking peeks at selections the other people have in their arms, I always feel like they have the best and most interesting finds. Like, why couldn't I have found that record? And the thing is, it's usually some obscure band that I've never heard of but the fact that someone else HAS apparently heard of them, makes it immensely interesting to me. Especially if there's a cool looking album cover. So it's in those moments that I feel envy and jealously. Like if they put that record down and turn their head for a moment, I might just feel the urge to swoop in and scoop it up .... "Oh that was yours you say?"

Latest Obsession

It's my objective to get so many movies recorded and saved that eventually I have no desire for cable tv service. The calculated financial savings is what drives this obsession. I have a preference for movies of varied genres made between 1940-1965. History and sports documentaries and musical programming are also included in the collection. Hopefully someone looking through my choices would think that I have taste for good older films with a few bad, B-movie, sci fi classics and serials included.

Sneezy and Grumpy

If I only had a nickel for each time I've sneezed today. Hell let's make it a dime. I deserve a little extra for the effort. It was one of those days where the pollen just takes over your world causing you to seek shelter from the gazing eyes of others. To go far out of your way to avoid potential human contact. Like a dark closet in a remote location. I just don't want to be seen in this condition. Nose running, eyes swollen, gasping for breath, a sense that your head is about to pop. And just when you feel like you've managed to get things under control, it starts all over again. And though I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel (mid-July), it's distant and faint at the moment.

I've gone all day trying to face it with dignity. Silent and strong. No complaining. But finally home, behind closed doors, I'm letting it all out!! Not that it's going to help lower tomorrows pollen count. Though I'm holding out hope for a torrential, end-of-the-world type downpour. A good extended rain always helps.

Seen and Heard

I wonder if the guy standing in the middle of the aisle of the grocery store has any clue how ridiculous he looks (and sounds) while engaging in an argument on his cell phone?

Mind Games

Several more strange dreams of late. All where I end up being greatly relieved and thankful upon awakening that they are not real life. Dreams where once awake, I need to get up and move around for fifteen minutes or risk sliding right back into the chaos. Not of the horror variety but take for example, dreams where I'm driving down a road and see up ahead in the distance, another vehicle owned by myself and without a driver, moving down the road. I'm trying to catch up when it suddenly veers off the road and out of sight. Did it crash? The mind can certainly conjure up some wild, strange and varied situations. Like abstract lost episodes from The Twilight Zone, only stranger. And the pleasant dreams seem to be a rarity these days, far in the past. I'm left wondering if it all is somehow related to my attitudes and fears about aging?

Movie Fever

For many years, I've said that Gregory Peck is my favorite actor. These days, I think it's a three-way draw between Gregory Peck, Spencer Tracy and Robert Ryan. With Henry Fonda not too far behind. They all have a certain dignity that I respond to.

Favorite actress?  I'll have to get back to you on that.

As I type this, downstairs the 1956 movie, The Girl Can't Help It is on television. I hear a young boys voice (refering to Jayne Mansfield) ..... "If she's a girl, I don't know what my sister is."

Vacation Daze

Wow!! A first for me!! ...... I was thinking earlier of returning to work in the morning after the weekend. Had to remind myself that I took a vacation day. Can you imagine, forgetting that you've taken a day off? I'll have to view it as a serious issue requiring intensive moments of attitude adjustment if it ever happens again.

It's been a nice two weeks of zero telemarketing and scam phone calls since cancelling my longtime home service. If the phone companies would actually do something about shutting the lowlifes down (and lower their monthly rates charged) maybe they'd still have me as a customer.

Talk about discipline and willpower!! .... It's been damn near a month now since I've had a pepsi or coke. I've even said, thanks but no thanks to a couple of different people who, without knowledge of the historic life changing decision, have attempted to deliver the drink to me. Just shows what can be accomplised once you identify a little motivation to make a change.

A little sad to read that a downtown art gallery is closing. Can't say that I'm surprised though. Over several visits the past couple of years, they never seemed to have much of interest. Must have been an opinion shared by other art seekers as well. They blamed among several factors, a lack of visibility and lack of support from the city but you need objects of interest as well. I'd wander through their gallery and there would be very little on display that would cause me to return for a second and third look. That would result in my slinking out the door, feeling badly that I didn't make a purchase. Not wanting to feel that way would keep me from returning regularly.

the last time I purchased a new car (2007) I said to myself that hopefully I'd die before I ever had to go through that process again. No such luck!! Here I am, nine or ten years later, seriously pondering new car possibilities again.

Curry Ball

They say it was a record! For both the regular season or the playoffs. Stephen Curry with seventeen points in the overtime period. As much as I wanted the Blazers to win, it was amazing to watch. He just went off!! And when he gets in a groove like that, there's nothing you can do except maybe double team him at half court and force him to give up the ball, but then your in a 4 on 3 situation. He has a combination of offensive skills that are unstoppable. Quickness-plus going in any direction. He can change direction in an instant, come to a completely balanced stop in an instant and only needs a an inch of space and a fraction of a second to get his shot off. And the shot itself is consistently deadly from just about anywhere past half court. Unless you can see into the future when he's in a stationary position and are able to cut him off before he starts actually moving, you are HELPLESS!!!

And to think that this was coming off two or three weeks of little activity while dealing with an ankle sprain and knee injury. Those five minutes, both heartbreaking (the Blazers lost the game) and thrilling!! It was one of those basketball displays that I'll never forget.

All Things Shall Pass

Watched the documentary, "All Things Shall Pass - The Rise and Fall of Tower Records." I spent many hours in the 1980's and 90's visiting three different Beaverton and Portland locations. It was a cultural event in its day. A night on the town in the big city. Open to midnight. The anticipation of walking in the door. Huge selection in all genres. Whatever you were looking for could generally be found at Tower. If not, then it was probably out-of-print. But it's the memories of browsing through all those bins that I recall most vividly. It doesn't sound like much. You had to love music and be part of the search to understand the significance. These days I still feel a certain sadness at its decline and demise. It just didn't seem possible at the time for something so big and so popular, to fade away.

One Of Those Dreams

Had another of those dreams the other night. The dream where I meet a stranger and fall in love. A dream girl with no flaws!! The dream that aches when you awake and realize that it's not real. The dream where you want to go back to sleep and see if it picks up where if left off. The dream that causes you to be on high alert all day in case of self fullfilling prophecy. The dream that gives you a warm feeling of remembering what life used to be ..... for a few hours, before gradually fading away. One of those dreams!!! Sure beats those basketball dreams where I keep shooting jumpers but can't make a shot!

Chickens!!!

Driving down I-5 the other morning and I glance to my left at the truck in the center lane with double flatbed trailers that's passing me by and I see stacked cages and cages of ..... chickens!! Live chickens looking right back at me. Not sure who was feeling more trapped at that given moment in time, though it didn't appear to be a promising start to the day for those chickens.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still feeling strong but tired ..... This sums up the daily life and longtime routine changes mentioned a few posts ago. Life at sixty can be draining on one's energy as the day lengthens. Not attempting here to be negative but just realistic. Sometimes you just don't care to make one more stop before going home if it involves getting out of the car or speaking to anyone. Being home has become a genuine pleasure. And these days I often find myself looking forward to the quiet time with an old classic movie. And if that causes you to experience happiness .....

Prince

The news today that Prince died. He was 57 years old. I was never a huge fan but I appreciate his place in music history. Always a bit of mystery in my eyes. He helped change the sound of music in the early and mid-1980's. He was huge in the rise of MTV. I get caught at times of thinking of great musicians as remaining young forever. I tend to see them as they were at the height of their popularity.

Seems like there's been a lot of passings lately from the voices of my generation. People react with surprise and shock but I don't know why? They age along with all of us. Being a great musician doesn't guarantee a long, healthy life. Lately though, it seems there's been an increased frequency that leaves me wondering, who's next?

Running For Pleasure ..... NOT!!!

There's a lot of truth in this statement. I refuse to run anywhere any more. Not for money. Not even for love. And I avoid situations where I might have to run for my life. Like pissing off a bear. I just have no interest in running ..... Even though I still think that given a little time to limber up, I could still sprint the hundred yard dash in darn close to record time.

So don't bother to ask me to take part in the Senior division of your 5K charity marathon event. Unless I can stroll a few hundred yards of it and call it good

As a kid I recall Bob Hayes running the hundred in 9.1 seconds. There was also Jim Ryan's sub-four minute mile. Those were looked at as the limit back then. Records that would be tough to break. I have no idea these days if they still stand.

Reading These Days

Currently there's several books that I've been slowly finding my way through .....

• Dear Mrs. Fitzsimmons: Tales of Redemption From An Irish Mailbox by Greg Fitzsimmons ..... Hilarious tales from his life.
• Junky by William Burroughs .... I've always thought of drugs as a problem that started with my generation. But it's been around much longer. Finding the words here fascinating. 
• The Legends Club: Dean Smith, Mike Krzyzewski, Jim Valvano and an Epic College Basketball Rivalry by John Feinstein .... Being a huge fan of basketball and what goes on behind the scenes of great college basketball rivallries. Years ago, I read and enjoyed Feinstein's book, "A Season On The Brink," about Bob Knight and Indiana basketball
• Ardennes 1944: The Battle of the Bulge by Antony Beevor

Not to forget several volumes of Poetry by various authors that I've come across recently. But those books are more of a read one or two works and ponder the meanings of life for awhile before going back for more, type of adventure.

Changing and Evolving

It's kinda funny but I've found myself changing more in the last year or two, than at seemingly any other time in my life. Nothing glaringly obvious that most people would notice but mostly small changes in attitudes and long time daily routines. Not a matter of concious choice, it's just happened with approaching and turning 60. A big enough deal that I've assigned the changes some degree of importance in my world.

Connected

And to think that there was a time when I wasn't the least bit interested .....

Now I do Facebook and Tumblr and Google-plus. I have four different pages on Blogger and also a Live Journal page. I enjoy messing with my photos on Flickr and have a YouTube channel for a couple photo collages that I've put together and a few videos filmed. I use iTunes frequently. There's even an Instagram page under my identity. I've probably signed up for a site or two that I didn't know what to do with so they went unused. I'd probably do Pinterest as well except that I read somewhere that it's mostly for women. Things and times change I guess. The point is, I find most of this stuff very enjoyable. The exposure to thoughts, words and images of friends and total strangers. It helps fill in the gaps in life with whatever interests a person.

Lost Friendships

With so many people that come into your world while traveling your path, you have a small window where you get to know them a little. They come and go ..... You're glad they are there and regretful when you realize that they are gone. Maybe there for a year, maybe five years, maybe just a month or two. You found a common connection. You get to see what they are all about, thankful that they didn't remain a stranger forever. Thankful for their friendship. Thankful that they were there for awhile to share with you, what they knew and had experienced. Years later, out of the blue, one day you remember, their relatively short presence in your world. You wonder why the connection eventually faded and ended? Where are they now? Sometimes, because you've seen so many others pass away, you find yourself in your sixties wondering if they are still alive?

Life seems to be littered with these relationships, once materialized and then faded away.

Strange Dream # 4386

The strange dreams just keep coming. Many seemingly having nothing to do with anything that I've ever seen or experienced.

Take for example last night ..... A dream materialized where I saw a young child, probably age four or five, get hit by a bus or motorhome. The driver just drove by as I attempted to flag her/him down to stop. Then a few moments later, I was informed that the child was doing well. Even after taking a direct hit. So at least there was a happy ending it seems.

Where the hell does a dream like that come from? It's not something that I think about. Nor have I ever actually seen anyone get struck by a moving automobile. The only remotely related incident that comes to mind is the time as a child, maybe twelve years old, while serving as a crosswalk crossing attendant, a pick-up truck suddenly rounded the corner and came speeding down the street, jumping the curb and missing me by a few feet, But it's not like that memory ever comes up unless old friends and I are talking and laughing about our Catholic school memories. So what generates these images and why?

In My Eyes

Admitedly, I'm not a practicing parent. BUT!!! ..... I really don't get this desire to take dozens and hundreds of pictures of your kids posing in various postures, positions and places. I hate the idea of posing. It's far too overrated. Why not just let your kids frolic about and follow them around, with your camera at the ready, looking for natural shots. Running, jumping, standing, sitting, but at least natural. If I was a parent, which again I'm not, (so what do I know?), that's what I would do. It makes for much more interesting images in my mind. Opens up the possibility for a little mystery as well.

Memories

It's funny how stories from youth suddenly enter your memory after years of being hidden away. And you know at that exact moment that you really ought to write them down because in a few hours, they'll be forgotten again. But then procrastination wins out and all that remains is the vague memory that you had a memory recently .... something from long ago. Happens to me frequently. If I'm ever going to get serious about authoring my memoirs, I need to make note of these things.

Strange Dream # 8037

I had the strangest dream a few nights ago. I was driving along a rural road that I've driven often. I came to a stop sign. My car started moving in reverse. I couldn't stop it. Over the railroad tracks. It began increasing in speed. Still I couldn't shut it off, stop or reverse direction. It was a struggle just to stay in the lane that I was in. I was aware that there was a point not too far away where the road would end and that I'd crash. That's where I suddenly woke up. After a few minutes I returned to sleep and the dream returned. The car was moving even faster this time. Again I woke up before reaching the end of the road. After that I was afraid to close my eyes again. Afraid that the dream would resume one more time and that maybe I'd reach the end of the road.

Someone once told me that if you see yourself pass away in a dream that you would actually pass away at that moment in your sleep. Dreams never seem to reach that point but I sure don't want to test that thought.

That's all there was to the dream. Pretty simple. No other factors involved. Just an out-of-control automobile and a feeling of helplessness. Frightening!!

The Return of Seasonal Yankee Insanity

A glimpse at the Yankees future ..... Saw my first Aaron Judge at bat yesterday. A pitch or two later, an opposite field home run. As if it wasn't impressive enough just seeing him standing at the plate. The result, almost disapointing (said in jest), as I wanted to see him hit it out to center field. There's nothing quite like a majestic blast to center!!

Staycation Day

The best moments of the weekend extending, single vacation day away from work is upon awakening at the normal wake-up time, looking at the clock and realizing that it's perfectly Ok to go right back to sleep. The worst moment ..... discovering that the local lunch place that you've been salivating over and looking forward to visiting, is closed, hopefully to reopn soon as the owners search for a new location, but closed is like closed forever on your day off.

The food frustration continued upon receiving a text message from a co-worker, who also happens to be a great cook, that she brought chicken & dumplings, oh but woe is me, I'm not there. These days, good food is responsible for about 75% of my brain activity.

It's Not Like I Don't Care .....

I do have strong opinions on politics, religion, lifestyle and so many other hot arguable subjects ..... But unless asked, I choose to keep most to myself. It's not like you're going to change anyone's mind by stating your beliefs. It's not proper or right to attempt to change the mind of another person. It only causes friction and resentment. It only serves to close minds if a person is considering a change.

And I don't want to hear how that's not a very positive outlook to have. It's the truth!! Show me one person who has ever sincerely stated: "OH wow!! I've been soooo wrong all of my life. Thank you for opening my eyes. I'm flipping all that I've previously believed to be true in order to match your views."

I Rarely Comment on Politics But ......

With all the name calling and insults going on, the current crop of presidential candidates just does not seem all that presidential. It's much like middle school behavior. Seems like a low point in American political history. At least in my lifetime. It causes one to wonder how the rest of the world can take the U.S. seriously? It's embarrasing at best.

Sense of Wonder

I have once (or twice) been accused of being too nostalgic. I admit that it's true. I dwell on old memories far too much.

I feel a sense of awe when looking at old grade school class photos. The shared experiences of those days. Looking at the faces of youth and realizing that you had no clue how each life would eventually play out. Where you all would be fifty-plus years later. Many of us still around. Too many though that have passed away. I wish somehow that a book had been put together of each persons life. Such a book I would read, cover to cover. Every sentence, every word. Not skipping over the story of a single old classmate. Even those where the shared experiences was limited to just sitting in the same classroom, with no interaction beyond that room.

I often look back from the viewpoint of all these years later, shake my head and feel sooooo ..... I can't even come up with a word to express the feeling. Maybe like the title of the Van Morrison album, "A Sense of Wonder."  Wonder as in amazement. Amazement that often aches in my soul. If that's the definition of nostagic, then I'm guilty. I would love to time travel back to those days for a short visit. I might just choose to stay.

There's just so many things that could have happened at any point to alter each persons course. Moments that could easily resulted in a much different history. Things that seem so insignificant but that can change the timing of events where the influential factor was a matter of just a few seconds.

I look at the group photo taken immediately after my classes first communion. All of us, six or seven years old. Each one of us looking happy and innocent with no idea of what was in our future. I think of what I know of each persons life since those days ..... College, jobs, moving elsewhere, marriages, kids, grandchildren, those lost along the way, etc.. And everything in-between. Even those who just seem to have vanished over the years.

But I still feel that initial bond!!!

Old Days and Old Guys

I used to love playing basketball. I used to think that I’d never give up the game. No matter how slow or ineffective I became. I played consistently up until about eight or nine years ago, into my early fifty’s but havn’t played since.

As much as I loved playing, I never wanted to become one of those ‘old guys’ that I’d occasionally cross paths with in pickup games at the YMCA or wherever random games were formed. Those guys who couldn’t run or jump anymore but who survived on the court with the younger guys because they mastered the art of pushing, shoving, holding, elbowing, stepping on an opponents foot, etc ….. anything to slow a person down. I always hated those guys!!

If there were ever five guys in my world that I truly wanted to punch in the face at some given point, four of them would likely have been one of those old guys. I have a visual image of the particular real life poster boy/geezer for those old guys burned into memory. It was this one specific dude who was rather accomplished at getting under my skin. The memory of his name, which I likely knew at one time, has faded but the image of his low life face remains as clear as ever. I wouldn't be surprised to discover that he's in his 80's or 90's now and still pissing people off on the basketball court.

Up until the day that I quit playing, I could still run and jump without a problem, though many friends, upon reading that might ask: “You called that spectacle running and jumping?” Well Ummmmm Yes! It wasn't a concious decision to stop playing. Just one day I went home and never returned. The thrill was gone. It became a pattern.

Each time that I watch a particularly exciting game on television, I get the urge to air up my basketball, lace up the sneakers (I’d need to purchase a pair first), throw a couple ice packs into my gym bag and make my return to the court. But I fear these days, that I’ve reached that cheating for survival, dirty tricks playing, old guy phase of my life. I can tell whenever I’m called on these days to pick up the pace a little, be it either by request or out of necessity to avoid oncoming automobile traffic.

Another Loss

Received news that an old grade school classmate lost his life in an auto accident. Out on a road that I've always been a little wary of. Someone who I havn't seen since those years but a childhood friend whose home I was welcomed into several times as a kid. Life events can sometimes be so random with no hint at what lies just moments ahead. It's always a shock when you hear the news, regardless of what age you're currently at.

I always think upon hearing of the unexpected loss of someone that I knew, what was on their mind when they woke up that morning? What were they thinking of just sixty seconds prior to the accident? I always think how everything can change in just the blink of an eye. And also of the people close to them .... What was going through their mind just seconds before receiving the word?

Sixty ..... Plus One

Officially Sixty-plus years old!! Difficult to believe. Another issue to deal with. The countdown to seventy begins.

Received my first official senior discount today ..... and they didn't even ask to see my ID for proof of age. Even though I was more than willing to produce it. The lady just said: "Nope you're good." Kinda hurt my feelings. I mean, I don't especially want to be an obvious senior. I want there to be some degree of doubt in the minds of others.

Dreaming Of Hoops

Now that's why I watch basketball!!! Duke and North Carolina. It's always fun!! It's been on my mind for weeks to keep an eye out for this game. It felt like North Carolina was in control. Duke trailed almost the entire game. But they stayed close. It felt like they were getting out-rebounded. It felt like they were constantly getting beat downcourt on fast breaks. They were on the road. They could have easily wilted. But they stayed close. And they pulled it out at the end. 74-73. On Michael Jordans birthday even. The first college game this season that I've sat down and watched from beginning to end.

Grayson Allen was just an absolute stud for Duke. Just constantly attacking. Staying strong with the ball in his hands. Playing every second of the game and never looking like he needed a break. Amazing intensity yet when there was a stoppage in play he appeared to be so incredibly calm in the middle of that crazy atmosphere. I'll go out on a limb and say that he's NBA ready!!!

It all causes me to want to go out and get into a game. Then I realize all the aches and pains that I'd feel after just one or two trips downcourt. (I can't even run across the street these days.) Hopefully tonight I'll dream about playing in such a game. Because being one day short of 60, I think my chances of actually playing in something like that are pretty slim.

What, Me A Senior?

I don't know what to think about this latest development. The girl behind the cash register at the restraunt gave me the senior discount. I wasn't begging (or even hinting) for it or anything and she didn't ask for my ID for proof of age. She just gave it to me. And she pulled it off quietly too. I didn't notice until moments later when I glanced at my receipt and saw those two words in abbreviated form. (They must have a senior discount key on their cash register.) Hopefully she was just being nice. Like a random act of kindness maybe.

Or maybe it was a "Senor" discount? I can accept that.

The thing is, I'm torn. I really don't want to be considered a senior just yet, even if I actually am in some circumstances. It's not part of my master plan. But then what do I care what some twenty-something thinks. I have nothing against discounts. I actually kind of like them. But why can't they call it a ...... "mid-life discount?" I've accepted that label long ago. Well maybe not long ago but a few years ago anyway. I'm not fighting that demon any longer.

All-Star Bore

It's time to do-away with this annual circus!!! It's become totally unwatchable!!

196 points by the west in the NBA all-star game. What a joke!! There was a time when it used to be semi-competitive effort-wise but that was long ago. Why even bother to have coaches present? Just map out beforehand, who plays what minutes and stop the game at the appointed spots for substitutes. Like we used to do with youth basketball. I think you would have to be pretty self-centered to accept the mvp award for that circus. Those borderline guys that didn't get chosen for the rosters ought to be happy they were excluded. If the nba was truly concerned with their image, they'd do-away with it. You'd think that at least one or two people in their league office would recognize the travesty that it's become.

And the east had something like 175 points and still lost by twenty. I hope that they made some sort of defensive effort in the final moments to stop the west from scoring 200 points. But I doubt it.

You would think that the players themselves would realize what a joke that they've turned this game into. I sure as hell don't want to hear a single participant talking about having respect for the game of basketball. I'd love to hear just one player speak out against what it's become.

It's Too Late

Overheard while sitting down for a fast food dinner .....

From the table behind me while Carole King's song, It's Too Late, played on the house sound system: "Carole King used to be married to James Taylor." I thought: "Should I turn around and correct the lady?" ..... "Is it my place to tell her, No that's not true. James Taylor was married to Carly Simon but that he recorded Carole King's song, You've Got A Friend."

But then suddenly I was filled with doubt. What if I'm not quite the rock music historian that I think I am? I'd really hate to be called out as a false prophet in this crowded fish & chips place. Maybe I ought to just check it out before intruding on other peoples conversations. I could detect a little tone of surprise in her dinner mates voice, like he wasn't sure either. But before I could decide what to do, they veered off into some vague Carlos Santana thoughts that I couldn't quite hear and then just like the title of the song being played, it really was too late.

The moral of the story ...... You've got to have confidence in your knowledge and be ready to act in situations like this!!

Friday Notes .... Who Would Thunk It

A nice surprise received yesterday. The news that we have the upcoming Monday off from work for Presidents Day. It wasn't on my mind. I hadn't been geared towards focusing my attention that way. It's not exactly like it's The 4th of July, Thanksgiving or Christmas. Like I said, A nice surprise!!

One week remaining before the latest milestone birthday, where an attitude adjustment will take place in my thinking of what number defines old age. WOW 60!! "Who woulda thunk it" to quote a Greg Brown song. It's a little funny but true that it really hasn't been on my mind much. Certainly not like the previous three milestones of 30, 40 and 50. It's all kinda snuck up on me.

One of my big frustrations these days is that these people at work like to either make or purchase these ultra lavish, multi layer, with thick frosting and fruity filling and drizzling cakes, often with coconut too. I keep telling them that I want a simple white cake with chocolate frosting like my mom used to make. Yet I can't tell them how to make it. And they don't seem to understand why I shy away from the super cakes. This seems especially relevant right now with a birthday approaching. May have to take matters into my own hands.

One good thing about growing older ..... At the rate it's going, by the time that I hit 75, these 95 and 100 degree days of summer that I dislike so much, will probably feel a bit nippy.