Life 101 Continued

Learned yesterday of another friend dealing with grief. Had I stopped recently to think about things going on in her world, I likely would have known. But a connection that we had for a short while had been cut. And I had to back away to save part of myself when I realized that my reactions were less than admirable. It sounds like she may be starting to come out of the worst. Seems that most people my age are not far removed from some sort of grief or loss in their lives. No great revelation there. The grieving is unavoidable. You just find ways to move forward or risk losing a huge part of your own soul.

House Concerts

I like the basic concept of house concerts but don't think that I could host a show these days. I fear that I've become a bit of a snob of late. I can't stand the thought of a dozen or more people using my bathroom. Other than that though, I'd love to host a live performance. It will have to be a half hour show with no encores though and no food or drinks served. Keep down the bathroom useage. I've been transitioning into a germophobe.

New Years Eve Musings

Another year about to end!!

I recall a time in the previous century, mid-1980's I think it was, of going through a short period where I would read of the thoughts of various doomsday types and wondered if we'd be going into the next century. But here we are now on the eve of 2016. And I've never seen one of those doomsdayers say, "Ooooppps I was wrong. Sorry about all that. I was just trying to sell a book. I didn't really have a clue or any actual knowledge." The doomday types seem to multiply each year yet they are increasingly wrong each year. They speak about the present being the worst of times in history but though I wasn't alive in the 1930's and 1940's, I still don't see the present matching the level of fear and anxiety that people must have been experiencing back then. The world may explode tomorrow but it won't be because any of them had inside knowledge.

That's one good thing about getting older ..... You learn how to better sift through all the bullshit that's presented to you.

For some reason, I feel amazed to be able to say that I've lived through sizeable portions of two centuries!! And though generally speaking, I'm an admitted glass half empty type, I'd really like to add one more century to that accomplishment.

I used to be wide awake at the midnight hour (it used to be early evening to me) and would annually open my door and listen to all the fireworks, honking horns, screams and other various sounds of the arriving new year but over the past year have been finding it more and more difficult to make it to that hour. Sleep just takes over. I didn't will it or anything, it just happened on its own. And I have to admit to enjoying the process ..... as long as I continue to wake up afterwards. 59 is the age of sleep!!

..... And more interesting dreaming as well! I've had several instances lately of falling asleep while in close proximity of the television and having dreams with guest appearances by whoever happens to be on the given program being played at the moment of nodding off. It doesn't always work that way or I'd occasionally be hanging with John Wayne and Errol Flynn in those sleep moments but it happens often enough with other voices that it's made a definite impression.

Remembering New Years Eve, 1999 ..... We were all so afraid that the lights would go out, the heat shut off and the tap water stop running at the stroke of midnight. When it didn't happen, we all laughed and made fun of it. They probably wouldn't admit it now but back then plenty of people were worried at not knowing what was going to happen.

Comeback In Progress?

A rarity for me. Visit to a record store and came away with nothing. Did find a book though at the bookstore around the corner: John Beecher, Collected Poems, 1924-1974. An autographed copy!!

Seems to me that the number of people browsing in such places is going up. Could we be seeing a return to the old ways? I've always thought that record and book stores were more than just that. They are gathering places. Places for people of all ages. Destinations to discover local culture and gage the feeling and vibes of a community. Their gradual diminishing role over the years in the name of supposed technological advancements was sad to observe. But for the moment, one can see a bit of a comeback going on. Hopefully it will continue and grow. It's greatly needed in my mind. Their loss would contribute to a community feeling stale and lifeless.

Ghosts and Demons

Listened to a co-worker of sorts, telling about his Christmas this year. That he went to his in-laws house and hurt for him. (His wife and their daughter passed away earlier this year). You could actually feel all the hellish emotions that he's still dealing with. I wish that there were magic words that could help. But I don't know what to say. When I said, "See you later" the day before Christmas Eve, I couldn't help but wonder what he was going through? I knew that I wouldn't be seeing him again until after the Christmas break. He must have been fighting a lonely battle with those ghosts and demons.

He's three or four years older and is actually someone that I looked up to as a middle school kid while watching him play high school basketball and football. Later, I would referee hoop games that he played in, in adult recreational leagues. He still gives me grief about those days. I always walked away though thinking that he was a nice guy. His wife had been fighting cancer for several years and the toll that it was taking on him was obvious but he'd rarely say anything about it. Then he lost her a few months ago.

So Many Questions

I used to work with kids. Initially just during a few months in the Winter but it soon turned into a year round adventure. I used to feel that it was something that I was being called to do. I thought that it was important work and I sometimes feel badly that I don't do it anymore. You reach an age eventually where you wonder if you lose credibility. Just a feeling that it's work for someone who's closer to the kids age. You certainly reach an age where you begin to lose energy and even the passion. All the extra hours (besides your regular job) in sometimes less than ideal weather conditions and fears of not living up to certain expectations can wear a person down to the point where I literally get chills now when just thinking about it.

I wonder if the fact that I have no desire anymore ..... if it's a sin? I did what I could, at a point in life when I was able. Was that enough? I used to wonder how I would know when it was time to walk away? Just like I still wonder with my regular job. I used to think that it would be impossible for me to knowingly walk away one day for the final time. I did make a decision to take a step back for a couple months, into a lesser role in a time of so many uncertainties about the programs themselves. It was just a month or two later when long rumoured budget cuts, ended it all. While I may have sensed it, I didn't actually know on the last day that I walked away from a youth soccer field, that it was really the final day. There was no official notice. As I recall I read about the end of youth programs in the newspaper.

It still feels a little odd. There was no exit paperwork. No pink slip. No goodbyes. It was like it all never existed. Like it all vanished into thin air. Like thirty years of service meant nothing. (Though I've run into enough people around town over the years to know that it meant quite a bit to a lot of people.) I used to wonder if the first step undertaken after the news of the programs demise was to change the after hours access code to get into the office. I never knew because I never returned.

To this day, I get chills when driving or walking by where the office used to be. The same emotions would likely come out if I ever passed by certain schools, gyms, baseball or soccer fields where I once spent so much time and effort but I have no reason these days to go near those places. Few are on my normal travel routes around town. Occasionally I'll think to myself that I should pass by just to see what's going on but each time I fail to follow-up. Just can't do it!! It's a little like driving by the house that you grew up in. Too painful.

Self Taught Old Dog

It's true that you're never too old to learn. It's work related and it only took forever, or at the least minutes, hours and shifts over thirty years, but I feel like an old dog who's actually learned a new trick .... self taught. Frustration can be a powerful tool to assist with learning. Getting frustrated with things that do not look right and knowing that there must be a better way. Stopping what you're doing and breaking down the root of the problem. Mix in a little determination with suddenly performing a function that I'd only dealt with occasionally over most of that period and I feel like I've accomplished something!!

Every Night Is A Good Night For A Movie

I have a new found fascination with movies, a fascination that I never knew before. Most evenings I conclude the day while watching a movie, often ending up watching my favorites again and again. I'll occasionally close my eyes and just listen to the dialogue. Most times I end up wanting to know more. I want to research the characters, the actors, their real lives, their strengths and faults. I want to know the stories behind the movies that interest me. My movie preferences come from primarily the 1940's through the mid-1960's. A period that I consider, The Classics. Where before, I would have never presumed to judge a good performance or a movie well done, I think that I am semi-qualified now.

Last night I watched Sophie Scholl, The Final Days. A movie about a young German woman and her brother's efforts to rebel and inspire others against the Nazi's, their arrest and (supposed) trial. A good portion of the movie centers around her interogation by the gestapo. Highly recommended!

Fingernail Madness

I'm thinking that the first thing to go as one ages is the fingernails. Cracked and chipped fingernails used to be a rarity. It's become a common occurance in the last year or two. Enough of an issue that I've placed nail clippers both downstairs and upstairs at home, in my car and in the desk at work. Probably should have walking around clippers also. Covering all my bases.

Pre-New Years Resolution

I came within a few inches of rear ending someone last night in traffic. All it takes is losing focus for just an instant. After all the resulting yelling, swearing and blaming everyone else on the road for the remainder of my drive home ..... Which I think that was neccesary just to get my fears out ..... I eventually accepted that it was solely my fault. I woke up this morning at 4:00am and the visual image of the scene immediately flashed through my thoughts. Gave me chills. And a re-committment to keep my distance when out and about. Maybe that can be my New Year's resolution.

The Season

I wish that I could articulate my feelings these days on spending Christmas with family. But until someone cares to ask .... and truly listen to what I'm saying. Well then it will mostly just stay buried. I've hinted at things but it's like when someone asks you how you're doing. They don't really want to hear anything other than "Great. Thanks for asking." No one wants to sit there and listen as you go into details. They can't comprehend that there just might be something else going on.

I made a decision several years ago that I was no longer going to participate in anything that I didn't enjoy. It wasn't just a quick emotional reaction to just one instance but rather to several years of feelings that something was wrong. Most people just can't understand how large get-togethers at Christmas can fall into that category for a person. It's not just that though. There's other factors that just don't belong here being detailed for public consumption. (Not that I have actual followers or readers.)

So I look forward and hope that the next few days will just pass by quickly. Usually I want time to slow down but this week it's OK if it fast forwards.

Mall Mania

I hadn't wandered through a shopping mall in awhile. It took only a few moments of a return visit to remind me why. Seems like I didn't pick the best time of the year. I veered off the path several times in search of solitude and just to let the congestion from the mass of humanity pass by. I'm not fond of being in the center of groups of strangers. Especially when they're right on your heels. I doubt that I'll be returning unless it's to grab a quick plate of orange chicken and rice, to go!!

A Good Day

You find a 1962 book of poetry that speaks to you, a great old rare vinyl record to replace the copy that you scratched to hell in your youth, enjoy a sandwich from a small lunch place, snap a photo or two that you truly like and catch a televised basketball game in the evening, then that's a good day in my estimation. For myself anyway. That's how my day unfolded. Makes a person want to go back outside tomorrow.

Other Musings .....

• The thoughts of a friend in response to someone who might attempt to bring you down by commenting that, you are a "glass half empty" type of person ..... "Maybe you just need a smaller glass."
• Having someone ask you your name ..... and then remembering it a week or two later. Not something to be overated. It's a nice feeling.
• A friend happily announcing her retirement but feeling a little sad at walking away for the last time from a job that she loved. No matter how I feel about my job, I think it will be like that for me as well .... sad at walking away that last time. I'm not the type that will return to visit.
• How does one know when to use a comma? I'll read the sentence to myself and it sounds like it needs it. Then the next day, same sentence and it sounds misplaced. I'll edit journal entries of five million words just to add or delete one comma.

Wedding Bell Blues

I mean, I try to be an open and accepting type of person ...... Then a friend 'comes out' and announces that she's getting married, to ummmmmm, another woman. And I'm thinking: "What?? Why the hell? ......" Then, an hour or two later she says that it was all a joke and I'm thinking: "Whew!" Guess I'm not as open as I like to think. I'll try to work on that. But then my reaction would likely have been the same had she announced that she was getting married to a guy. Maybe it's just the thought of marriage that I'm not so accepting of? That sure doesn't make me a bad person!! Or does it?

The Age of Homebody

This is my life these days. There's little that I enjoy more than the comfort of being home. Watching a movie or listening to music. Being out and about in traffic these days gets increasingly maddening. I don't do well with congestion and crowds. I prefer calm and quiet. If that means that I'm boring in most peoples eyes, I accept that designation with a smile.

I also prefer emotional stability. I've given up on pursuits that often result in worry and heartbreak. I know its importance to most people but I've reached a point where the risks outweigh the possible rewards. I don't want to lose another single second of life to negative issues involving relationships with other people. Too much has been lost previously. I opt for no more tears. That's not to say that if something just fell into place that I'd turn and run away. But I'm not going to try and make it happen and I'm not going to jump into anything that I have reservations about. After sixty years, a person deserves to find happiness however it materializes.

Regarding Bob Dylan's song, Desolation Row ..... I can have it playing and not really be hearing the lyrics but then there's one line that I always hear: "I had to rearrange their faces and give them another name."

Mind and Body

At what point in existence do the mind and body finally get totally in sync? When will I be able to watch a basketball game on television without thinking that I can still hoop it up? I mean not at an NBA or major college level or any such fantastical illusions as that, but at my level that I used to play at? Or just a notch below maybe? Because the thoughts do start going through my head. And the reality is that I'm never going to know those days again but seeing others running, jumping, pivoting ..... It gets my blood and mind all worked into a frenzy and anxious to air up my basketball and head to the gym. The mind just refuses to accept that the changes your body goes through as you pass 30, 40, 50 and beyond, affects performance. But then you experience those moments when you're forced to move a little faster, like the sudden realization of an significant error in judgement when attempting to cross a downtown street with oncoming traffic oncoming, and your life begins to flash by and your mind says: "Move it!!" But your knees, ankles, toes, thighs, etc., refuse the directive and the dire need to work together. And while you somehow managed to get out of harms way, you know that you took on the appearance of a bumbling, stumbling clown in doing so.

The Day ..... That No Longer Is

It's just around the corner. It snuck up on me this year. A day that for several years was always on my radar and that I had problems dealing with. December 19th that is ..... The anniversary of the day that I was married, 34 years ago. I'm happy to say that these days, it's just another day to enjoy life and sandwiches. (I'm trying to follow Warren Zevon's advice.) No old emotions will be drudged up from the deep. No more regrets. Well maybe a regret or two but no more sadness over those feelings. I've made peace with those demons and ghosts. Had to for survival. Struggling with it is no way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I marvel now at anyone who's managed to keep a marriage together for that long.

Life 101 Continued .....

Maybe I've done too good a job in re-making my living space? It's like every time I go anywhere lately, after a half hour or so, I can't wait to get back to the comforts of home. Or maybe it's the constant overwhelming desire that I have to take my shoes off. Nothing else really, just the shoes. Which probably speaks to the problem that I seem to have with finding a comfortable pair of shoes. I'm beginning to think that's the secret to a good long quality life .... a good pair of shoes. Oh and also maybe a tasty sandwich or bowl of soup each day.

Laughing helps too. I don't really laugh out loud all that often. I'm generally more of a keep it in, silent type of laugher. But I was watching a Seinfeld DVD the other evening at 2:00 or 3:00am and couldn't help it. Just some of the conversations in those middle seasons, after they found their niche and before the show became overly goofy. truly laugh out loud stuff!!

And then there's music to consider, which I could probably write a book about. Search out and collect recordings! For me, the search is as enjoyable as the actual listening experience.

Do something artsy. Create something! .... I have four or five journals/blogs going. I collect photos that interest me and paste them in scrapbooks. I enjoy taking photographs. I've begun messing with Windows Paint to see if I can create anything visual. I'm not claiming that I'm even remotely mediocre at any of those but it's fun and relaxing. I recently read where someone said that it doesn't matter if you are good or not, just that you've created something that wasn't there before. I believe that to be true!!

Find a way to make friends or peace with the things that haunt you. It's essential for survival!!

The Game

So this is what this getting older thing is all about .... A big game!! One day, one thing hurts for no obvious reason. It continues to ache all day long. And you begin to worry that it's the feared beginning of the end. That it's going to be a lifelong ailment from this moment on and that you'll never play the violin again. (Not that I could play it before.) Then you fall asleep, wake up a few hours later and the pain is gone. But then something else is hurting. It's like there's a tiny little man armed with a tiny little sledge hammer, traveling via the blood stream to various locations in your body. Making sure to stop and stay awhile at all points from head to pinkie toe. And that little man seems to be fine with working long hours and having no days off

Sunday Night Mind Control

I 've been known to do some of the dumbest things. Like loading the crock pot at 6:00pm ..... So that dinner would be ready at 4:00am. Like I couldn't find anything else better to do in order to pass the time of that 6:00 hour. I really should have thought that one all the way through to the conclusion. But I find the crock pot to be mesmerizing. Or is it intoxicating? Whatever the mind numbing method, just knowing what all is in there, bubbling and mixing, slow cooking away, filling the living space with its aromas. It messes with my thought processes. Discombobulation rules!! Sometimes I just can't wait for the appropriate moment for the given task.

It's like that movie where they say: "Wouldn't that be like killing a mockingbird?" ..... Wait!!! It's actually nothing like that!! Funny how for a second or two that came to mind as a valid comparison.

I think it's sitting alone in the dark, listening to the devils rock music after midnight which is causing all this. I mean previously I'd been sitting here pondering how this just might possibly be my last five minutes of life. It's been 20-30 minutes since I worked through all that. But then what if this now is my final five minutes? It's like I'm stuck in a music loop. Thanks a lot OPB music streaming service!!

Time to go watch a movie. Something to fall asleep with. Maybe "The Desert Rats?" The voice of Richard Burton!

Moving On To Art 102

When I purchased my first painting, I was asked if I was a collector? I didn't know what to say. Certainly had no idea where it might lead a few years later. I can now answer yes to that question. Not just paintings though. Photos, illustrations, glass, clay and ceramic pieces, antiques, etc. And almost all from local artists. It's been a great time searching for items that grab my attention. There's an anticipation for what I might come across next. It's almost as addictive as record collecting. I find it amazing how over a few years time, I went from zero interest to thinking about it all the time.

Varying Shades of Blackness Friday

Black Friday observance for me is making it down to the Record Store Day event before they lock the doors for the day. Having succeeding in that goal I picked up The BBC Recordings by The Zombies and a 7-inch EP from 1965 by The Kinks. I've been pining lately for those classic rock sounds of the mid-1960's. Also picked up Folk Singer compact disc by Muddy Waters .... Finally getting around to listening to some samples from it and knowing that I had to have the recording.

Saw a photo of people waiting in line this morning for the doors to open and thought, "No thanks." It must have been elbow to elbow inside the very limited space of that store. As fanatical as I am about record collecting, I'm not that fanatical. I'm content to browse through whatever remains after the mob clears out. Besides, I learned that they didn't even get in the Otis Redding release that I was hoping to get my hands on.

I greatly enjoy just being there when some people walk in and begin to talk about their personal record collecting interests. I'm always thinking: "What am I missing out on? Why don't I appreciate that band or sound?" Maybe I should reconsider or expand? It certainly seems essential to that person.
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As far as all other types of stores, I stayed far away. I just don't care for all that insanity even for a 58-inch screen TV for $39.95 or whatever the hell the sale price is.

Oregon - Oregon State football and no one gave the Beavers a chance but they made a game of it in the second half, twice getting to within three points. I saw several Duck fans comment afterwards that they were'nt worried and I don't believe a word of that. The Ducks won 52-42 but there was a point in time where it just had the feel of a major upset.

Post Thanksgiving Notes

• Came about as close as I'll ever come to recreating a Thanksgiving dinner as mom would have prepared it. Turned out good by my less than mom-like standards and enjoyed leftovers as well but it's still not comparable. More than anything, I miss those days. 
• Life Lessons 101 ..... Been working on a scrapbook using photos that I've collected. Photos found in magazines mostly. It's helping to teach the importance of planning things out beforehand. Not to put the glue into play until you're sure the direction that you want to take. It's funny though .... When you put it all under plastic sheet covers, even what you were initially unhappy with, ends up looking kind of artsy.
• Black Friday upcoming. Right now, there's people out there in thirty degree weather standing or sitting in lines for hours. I just can not bring myself to even consider that. Even if it was for that one rare vinyl record that I've been waiting all my life for. In past years, I might have taken a late night drive just to look around but I can't even drag myself to the car anymore. These days I value being home more than ever.
• No idea why, but I'm reminded tonight of the title of the R.E.M. song, What's The Frequency Kenneth."   
• Extremely grateful just to be alive and though I'm currently aching all over from work (a condition that I've aggravated just by sitting in a chair today), for being relatively healthy.
• At halftime of the traditional Dallas Cowboys on Thanksgiving game, they had some country music, flavor of the month, on the field giving a performance. Hell I don't know, for all I know it might have been a country superstar. I had to change the channel. Thankfully there was some real music on elsewhere .... A Tom Petty documentary film!! 

If Only They Added Two More Days To All Weekends .....

..... That would certainly rank as one of the world's alltime greatest evolutions!! This earth-sun-moon revolutions and night and day comings and goings and whatnot is overated anyway. Why do we have to play by the old accepted rules .... Just create a whole new time keeping system. Create a longer weekend!!

The much anticipated four day weekend has arrived and at some point during this period I'll probably wake up in the middle of the night in a state of panic thinking that I've overslept and I'm late for work. An occasional occurance that will likely carry over long after I've passed away from this worldly existence. It's just the way that I roll these days. I would love to someday master the experience of total relaxation.

The best aspect of the four day weekend? ..... Not having to deal with 6:00am iced up windshields. I'm very thankful for that this Thanksgiving!! Absolutely hate that sensation .... Nice hot shower, warm clothing just out of the dryer, resulting in a warm mind and thoughts, then walk outside to dealing with ice.

Matilde shared some crock pot turkey at work yesterday. It was so yummy that I'm going to try it myself in celebration of a, "Just Because I Love Turkey Ordinary Tuesday" day (or any other given random day) someday soon.

Evening Chuckle

It's one of my goals. Sometimes I think it's already in progress .... the driving thing that is. Not that I'm drinking or texting and driving or anything like that but I'm always glancing left or right for a potential photo op. And I tend to take my time getting to most places nowdays which likely slows everyone else down. Then there's the occasional moments where I'm driving down a road traveled daily for over 40 years and it suddenly seems like I'm on that road for the very first time.

And recently I saw a friend post something on facebook as being bad driving etiquette (though not dangerous) and I was thinking to myself: "Hey I do that all the time."

But at least, I'm probably the world's most mindful driver when it comes to not tailgating. I don't think that it's bragging to say that, I ALWAYS keep my distance. So I have that going for me. I only wish that the insurance companies could monitor that and give an appropriate discount.

So where's all that leading me to? Senility I sometimes wonder? Though I like to think that I'm still pretty alert of my surroundings and that the mind is operating at full speed.

Day Before Thanksging Eve Notes and Musings

One more day at work ..... Then four days off. The light at the end of the tunnel that keeps you going in August when it feels like a day off  is a thing of the past. If it wasn't for wanting to make use of my camera and the ongoing search for the ultimate image, I might just catch up on sleep the entire time.

Six years ago, I was boarding a train for Idaho. A trip that I like to think, changed my life. The realization that after all the years, I have earned the right for something better in my life. The changes became action within a day (maybe an hour or two) after returning home. Certainly not my usual procrastination involving change. It must have been a powerful eye opener!! And I'm extremely thankful that I had the means available to make a change.

I was a traveling man back at the end of 2009. Idaho for Thanksgiving. Tennessee for Christmas. Old fears set aside. Bus stations and airports. Trains and planes. If I could only write music, there's a song in there somewhere.

It was shortly later that I became interested in the art world. Just walking by a painting that caught my eye was all it took. I sometimes wonder if I had I kept my head down and not glanced to the side that day ...... I had never been interested in art galleries and antiques before. But again, the Idaho influence. I was intrigued with what a friend had done with her home. And now, I love the search!! I love finding objects of interest.

My Mother's Voice

Listened to an old cassette tape .... My moms (young) voice with cameo appearances by both of my brothers. It's a spoken word letter to her mother in South Dakota and the activities going on in our world in Oregon. She calls her mom, "Darlin." There was a reference to me being a junior in high school so it must have been from the summer of 1973 though I think there may have been bits and pieces recorded over several months. She started out with what sounded to me like an obvious midwest accent or twang in her voice. Several references to things I don't remember or never knew. Other references felt like yesterday. One reference that kinda stung a little to me being lazy at the time. She mentions how she had just attended a play at the local live theater for the first time and how much she enjoyed it. Pentacle Theater .....That became a passion for her for several years afterwards. I don't know if it still exists today. No references to other things that I know were going on at home that might have caused her mom to worry. Funny how so much of what I remember nowdays is missing from this tape. (I don't know how to explain or clarify that last sentence ..... just a feeling.)

And without going into detail, it may help with my understanding of this one recurring dream that I've had over the past ten or fifteen years. A dream that I've occasionally struggled with. With what was bringing on its general theme, tone or feel?

It was nice to hear her voice, young and strong again. Because most of what I remember now several years after her passing, is her voice slowly fading away. And her frequent private apologies for family events that happened thirty or forty years earlier and which would often turn into tears ..... Things that she had no control over at the time. Things that I never blamed her for but was so relieved for her when she finally was released from. I've always wondered if she ever shared those issues with anyone besides those there to witness them?

Old People

Having dinner out the other night at a local buffett, which I rarely do anymore. Buffett's scare me these days since I've become somewhat obssessed with germs, bacteria and hand washing. Since I failed to bring any reading material along for distraction sake, I couldn't help but eaves drop on the conversation between these three older people a few feet away. The general topics, their multiple physical health problems and their many differences with society these days. It scared the hell out of me!! I made a mental note that when I'm 86 and there are other people around, to either keep my voice way down or just shut the hell up entirely. (Or if I do speak show them all how hip I still am.) People don't really need to hear all the graphic health details and dated opinions from yesteryear. At least not while they're trying to enjoy a meal.

Considering The Pickle

I'm thinking that the wise old saying should actually be" "A pickle a day keeps the doctor away."

I mean as long as that's not totally false fact-wise about pickles.

Because I can eat two or three apples in a day no problem, but a pickle? ..... I enjoy them and all but can realistically speaking, only eat one per day. That's my limit. And while I like them "with' my sandwich, I don't especially care for them "on" my sandwich.

Which all led me to do a tiny bit of research and my findings are that pickles are indeed good for a person as long as they are consumed in moderation. And without the exception or two involving combinations of chocolate and peanut butter, you'd likely see my picture in the dictionary defining moderation.

Feeling Speechless

Yesterdays terror events in France. I don't know what to say. Feeling speechless and a little hopeless.

How do you really have any reasonable hope of stopping these things from occuring? Someone's determined to attack in these ways, they are sometimes going to find ways to go undetected and carry out their plans. You can't gaurd against every possible surprise that they might dream up, can you? And if they can pull off their attacks in places like Paris and other large cities, then they can get through just about anywhere it seems. You can possibly detect and stop 99 potential attacks but unless they give up their efforts in frustration, one will eventually get through.

It just leaves you shaking your head ..... and wondering what's next, when and where?

On The Street

Don't know if today I witnessed a grateful reaction to a random act of kindness or if the two ladies knew each other ..... I had pulled off the road into the parking lot at Bush Park, to enjoy my cup of just purchased salmon chowder and directly across the street from me, heard a horn tapped and the car stop and the driver get out and ask an elderly lady on foot if she needed a ride. The elderly lady stepped toward the lady offering the ride and embraced her in what must have been at least a thirty second hug. Like long lost friends, or a long separated mother and daughter, suddenly finding each other, before they got in the car and drove off.

Movie Time

Watched the 1944 movie, Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo ..... There's a few parts that are a bit hokey and maybe even mind numbing, (I can't stand what I take as the whiny voiced wife and they could have left that out), but I was fascinated with the scenes where they are flying low over Japan before and after dropping their bombs. I read where they used some authentic footage from the actual raid. Regardless if this part of the film was created or authentic film or a mixture, it's still amazing to my eyes.

Also watched Blackboard Jungle. ..... From 1955. I love movies made around the time that I was born. I enjoy seeing what things looked like back then since I have recall issues from the immediate months prior to birth. I grew up liking Vic Morrow in the television program Combat. I enjoyed this movie but don't like Vic Morrow playing a punk.

That Confused Look Again

A father showed a photo of his daughter's college soccer team. He reminded me that I was one of her early instructors in the sport. It's a genuinely nice feeling being reminded that you had a part in her success, though a bit shocking that she's currently a Junior in college. Thirteen or fourteen years ago. I think that he took note of the confused look spreading across my face. It was not because I didn't remember. I recall him bringing his children out on Saturday mornings for youth soccer. It's cliche but it truly seems like just three or four years ago ...... How is it possible that that much time has passed by so quickly?

"Who knows where the time goes?" ..... Sandy Denny

Weekend Notes

• Had a moment or two of: "God, I'm almost 60. Where has the freaking time gone?" But now I'm back to the "bring it on" attitude.
• Incredibly amazed at the visuals and sensations all around of late Autumn. Colors, rain, leaves blowing across the street, dark clouds, feel in the air, etc. So many seasonal sights and sounds. Just incredible! Wish it could stay this way.
• Why does everybody else's record collection always seemingly look more interesting than mine? Probably because there's always some great obscure record that I'm missing.
• A power outage of several hours last night has caused me to feel like I missed out on the extra hour gained this weekend when we "fell back."
• How can a sub sandwich shop be out of white bread on two consecutive visits? That's what you do!! Bread is your starting point. You claim to bake your own bread in-store ..... OK bake some more!! There I solved your problem. It doesn't exactly have you looking good in my eyes. It's not just business missed today for you but also possible business missed tomorrow.

As Another Ending Nears .....

Another "season" at work will soon be winding to an end. Have I really been through 41 of them now? The common thread about all of them is all the different people that have come and gone. I always am amazed as each season ends how it can be so noisy, hectic and crazy leading up to the final day and then suddenly one day it's done with just a few hours in between and you're standing there looking around and it all seems so peaceful. The transition complete .... Like the previous four or five months never happened.

And lately as a supervisor, I'll think to myself: "Whew, made it through another one." And at some point or points in the days and months afterwards, you'll look cautiously forward to the next one and literally experience the chills and think that you just can't go through all that swirling craziness again ..... But then the time arrives and somehow you do.

It's funny when everything settles down for the year, you have time to stand back in awe and consider the big picture. It often doesn't seem nearly as big when you're right in the middle of it. It's those moments where you're sometimes forced by circumstances to look just five minutes and/or five feet in front of you and find encouragement knowing that there's an ending somewhere up ahead. At least until you have to do it all over again.

And at times, you'll see the finished product in the grocery store and think: "Wow I had a part in all that!" And then realize just how many other people also had a role in getting it there.

Weekend Stuff

Watched the movie St. Vincent starring Bill Murray. I'm mostly a fan of older movies from the 1940's, 50's and 60's but every once in awhile find one from this or the previous decade that I enjoy. This was one of them. And there's a great video at the end where Bill Murray is singing along while the film credits roll, to Bob Dylan's song, Shelter From the Storm.

Browsing the tables of books at the public libraries annual used book sale and listening in as these two old guys are talking about things found in books ..... like an Ernie Banks rookie baseball card. I never seem to have that kind of good fortune. I wouldn't mind finding a Mickey Mantle rookie card. Or even a Bobby Murcer!!

This seasons Chargers seem just good enough to have a chance to win each game on the final play .... and then fall short.

Quick Notes

• I think that I'm becoming obssessed with capturing the perfect image with my camera. Never happy, always wanting something better.
• I hate the one game baseball playoff. 162 games to qualify and then for a team in each league it suddenly ends after this one game. Even after the first or second inning in some cases.
• I have these moments where I get caught up in the possibility of "the big one" striking at any moment. Could be 50 years or five minutes from now. It's the five minute possibility that worries me.
• Go for frequent walks. Most people that you cross paths with will smile and say hello. 
• Why is it that words can seem harmless and witty before spoken but as soon as they are spoken it's:  "Maybe I shouldn't have said that."
• Is it ever too late to become a poet and classic movie and art buff? I'm currently a wanna-be in all three fields. Maybe I'll take up wine tasting next?
• It's funny how I used to concern myself with how I was going to survive each year. All these years later and I realize that I've survived!! Quite a sense of accomplishment.
• Take a moment each day and quietly observe everything around you.

Quitting Time

A co-worker quit yesterday. No indication given beforehand that he was thinking that way. He had the weekend off and apparently decided that was it, he wasn't coming back. I think that you have to admire that. That's how I want to go out. Just decide one day that I've had enough. Maybe be standing there, not paying attention as someone is bitching at me and suddenly turn and walk away, get in my car and drive off. No retirement potluck. No cake and ice cream. No sad goodbyes. I've witnessed the parties and observed people making the rounds, going from person to person saying goodbye and have always thought that it all was so sad looking. Certainly not for me. I prefer to one day just be suddenly gone .... the subject of wild speculation and rumors.

P.S. .... David, I hope that you enjoy whatever is ahead for you. Be it retirement, another job, a retreat to a simpler lifestyle or whatever you might be looking towards.

Just For A Moment

While crossing a downtown street this afternoon, a pretty young 20-something smiled and said hello to me. I glanced around to be certain that she was smiling at me. Unless there was a ghost that only she was seeing, there was only her and myself. I instantly fell in love!! A second later the shooting pain pulsating through my foot and knee reminded me of how old I was .... Likely old enough to be her Grandfather. For that instant though, it was a nice feeling to be acknowledged. Just for a moment.


Autumn afternoons and early evenings. We are entering that greatest time of the year! It's the feeling in the air. Such a sense of surroundings slowly changing. I've always loved this time of the year best ..... always attempting to be aware and soak it all in.


Maybe this is true of all teams in baseball but the Yankees are the masters of leaving runners on base. They often threaten to score but rarely seem to get the big hit. Seems like they should be coming through at least once in four times in such situations but it feels much closer to once in twenty-five. On the other hand, the opposing teams seem to come through in these situations about 75% of the time. Makes for extremely frustrating viewing, especially after paying for the MLB-TV package and getting EVERY game.

Psycho Birds

So I'm in Best Buy at the checkout paying for a Blu-ray version of "The Birds" and the cashier mentions that she just purchased it and "Psycho" recently and couldn't wait to get home to watch it. So I ask if she's ever seen it before and she says "no" and I just about screamed: How could you have never seen The Birds??? But before I do, I realize that she's a teenager and in this century where they just don't make movies like they used to, how could I possibly have expected that she had seen it and I want to scold her parents for never insisting that she sit down and watch it because surely they've seen it (I hope), but instead I should encourage her to run straight home and put it on her TV or computer or cell phone or whatever kids watch movies on these days. Before departing I mention that I've seen it several times in my lifetime which gets me a strange glance in reply. Like why on earth would someone watch a movie more than once?

So it's eight hours later now as I type this and hopefully she's followed through with her stated intent and she's just as frightened as I was the first time. It's the freaking The Birds after all. A classic, must see movie.

Notes, Thoughts and Musings on Approaching 60

It's still a few months away but for tonight at least, I don't care any longer. 59 or 60, it doesn't matter. In fact I'm kinda looking forward to jumping up and down and shouting: "Everyone look at me. I made it to 60!!" Is it possible that 60 is the magic number where you suddenly cease to fear admitting your age? Primarily to yourself? Though I joke a lot about being old and though I've slowed down in dozens of ways, (maybe I should make a list), I still think of myself as young.

I'm not rich or famous and probably never will be. I'm not happily married with children or grandchildren (though I'd argue that I am mostly happy) but hey, I'm almost 60!! That's certainly something to feel a sense of accomplishment towards. A larger number than 10, 20, 30, 40 and 50 all added together. Maybe the only place where that is true.

Funny .... I was at work the other day and I looked at six stacks of boxes, each three-high and my brain just went: "Ummmmmmm 30 total." It took the strange looks and queries of a much younger person before I realized my mistake. Later I chalked up the bad math to getting old. I mean what else could it be. I've had my multiplication tables pretty much down since I was a young teen. Through the twelves anyway.

Tonight I looked in the mirror and for the first time saw more gray than brown. And I was Ok with it. Though it's too early to deny the rumor that I'll be mirror shopping tomorrow.

I hear people my age talking about their various surgeries and hip and knee replacements and I've yet to experience any of the above. Avoidance of such is my number one hope and goal moving forward.

Sense of Strange

A strange sense at work yesterday of something coming to an end even though there's still plenty of time left in our "season." Not sure what it was. Likely just my imagination running amok. After fourty-one years there, having a big slow-down the last couple of days and an actual two day weekend (for everyone) in September is a rarity. Along with rotating shifts this weekend .... That all probably had something to do with the feeling. It always feels strange to work with  a group of people for a month then suddenly changing shifts and working with a crew that you havn't seen for two months.

Shift rotations are always a bittersweet experience. You'll actually miss the daily interactions with most people. Then there's usually one or two others who you've been looking forward to getting away from. The feeling is probably mutual in those cases and good for all involved.

I used to prefer this night shift stuff. That was when I was much younger and living several lives. Now I've come to enjoy sleeping at night. I'm no longer concerned with making the weekend softball tournament. What I used to enjoy so much, now seems like so much foolishness.

Free Speech

This does seem to be the case these days. I occasionally say stuff at work for public consumption where I think to myself: "Ooooppps I probably shouldn't have said that ..... Oh well, too late to take it back." Usually it's in an attempt at being funny or of an argumentative nature towards an idea that I don't care for. Sometimes I think that we are much more rebellious in our older years than we ever were in our teenage years. Maybe because the possible consequences are something we often scoff at.

Usually after such an episode, one is careful for a day or two to avoid a repeat performance ...... until defenses drop and the next moment of free speech just flows out.

The Yankees Win!! ..... Baseball Is Such a Strange Game

Such a strange game for sure. Yankees look like they can't hit for the first five innings. Pure frustration and angst for a longtime Yankee fan. Down 1-0. Mets change pitchers in the sixth inning because they're worried about accumulated innings on a Cy Young type arm (Matt Harvey), coming back this season from elbow surgery. YANKEES EXPLODE!! A big 2-run double (Beltran) and a couple 3-run homers. (Ackley and Bird) To be fair, there were a few defensive screwups in the sixth inning that didn't help the Mets bullpen. Final score, 11-2.

So many games start out in one teams favor and even appear to be well under control by that team. Then suddenly things turn around late in the game. It's so important when things don't seem to be going your way, to limit the bad and just stay close. One could probably apply that general principle to many things in life.

All Those Miles Between Us

Due to the miles between us, I have all these cousins that I've seen once or twice (if that) in my life. Living in South Dakota, Minnesota, Illinois and Michigan. Maybe a few other scattered locations. I wouldn't recognize them if they walked through my front door today. Some day I'd like the chance to travel from town to town and spend a day or two with each, just introducing myself and getting to know a little about each.

When you think about it, they are not really all that far from being a brother or sister.

Friday Notes

• Funny how when you get two days off on the weekend during the time of year where you are lucky to get a one-day weekend (if that) and you suddenly feel clueless as to what to do with all the free time. It's like you need time to re-adjust to regular weekends.
• Friday evening and I can hear the drums, marching band and cheers of the crowd from the local high school (my old high school) football game. Instant flashback to being 18 years old. And it continues to boggle my mind to think how long it's been. 
• Guess it's a matter of perception ...... Pete tells me that time is passing way too slowly for him. He's looking forward to retirement and not having to go to work each morning. I on the other hand, think that time is passing by much too fast. I'm worried about old age roaring up from behind me.
• "When he only has a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in his favor" ...... "If he were to mis-pronounce your name, you'd feel compelled to change it." .... The most interesting man in the world!! I love those commercials.
• It would probably be a good idea that before one gets a 'smart phone,' one should be at least 50% as smart as the phone. Not the situation in my world.
• The biggest hassle with wearing glasses is on those days where the yawn is a frequent bodily function and you're constantly removing your glasses to wipe your watery eyes.

Win Some, Lose Some

Yesterday ..... Not a good day for sports viewing. Ducks and Beavers both lose to the state of Michigan in football. Yankees get pounded and lose twice. And I raced home from work to view all this? Good thing I suppose that we've yet to reach that point of the year where baseball, football and basketball schedules have all kicked in. Good thing also that I feel no allegiance to my old high school because they also fell.

Good thing #3 ..... My recent trend of being unable to stay awake through the greater parts of televised games and events. It's less painful to wake up and see that the Bluejays have scored three more runs than to actually witness it taking place.

The News Today

Informed at work this morning by a lady who knew her, that my ex-mother-in-law passed away a few days ago. A strange feeling. I never really knew her that well. It wasn't like we had a lot of years in each others world. I only vaguely remember what she looked like.

I recall my ex-wife once telling me that her mother was a descendent of Belle Starr.

When you get married, it's assumed that it will last forever and that you'll have the time to build relationships with all your in-laws. Things didn't work out that way for me though. And though it doesn't always feel this way, tonight it all feels like ancient history. It should have had a different story and ending .... but it didn't. It took a few years but I eventually came around to realize and acknowledge that I screwed much of that up. You always hear people claiming that they regret nothing that's taken place in their life. For myself, the way the marriage played out is a huge regret.

I don't feel any emotion about her passing worth mentioning but she has been in my thoughts for much of the day. And I can't help but wonder what Connie is feeling. When my mom passed away, I recall this cold feeling of suddenly being alone in the world wash over me. Realizing that the people who raised you before you were able to survive on your own, are both gone. I don't think it matters how independent you are, there's always that connection with parents that when ended, you can't easily move on from.

9/11

9/11 ..... Remembering where I was fourteen years ago when I first heard the news. The conference room at work for our pre-work supervisor meeting. I hadn't turned on the television that morning while getting ready for work. And I didn't have a radio in the car that I was driving at the time. The news was a shock. The work hours spent in a walking around daze, just wanting to get home and see what was happening in New York, Washington DC and Pennsylvania. And what was happening in my world. I doubt that eight hours ever passed by as slowly as on that day. All we had was some basic preliminary information. No idea how big or wide spread the attack was.

Looking back, I wonder why they couldn't have put work on hold for at least a few hours so we could go home and see what was going on. Or provide us with some type of updates. Could we also be targets, 3000 miles away on the opposite coast? We didn't know but I'm sure the thought was on many minds.

A photo that I took four years ago on the local 9/11 rememberance at Riverfront Park in Salem. The park was full of these flags that listed the names of all the people lost in the attacks.

The Not So Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Just when you begin to get all arrogant and cocky thinking that you're done for the year, the warm, the hot and the muggy make their unwelcome return like they think it's still their time. And I was so enjoying the days without their presence around these parts. It's not like I've been pining day and night for your return. Not even feeling remotely remorse at your previous departure. I offered no prayers for your re-entry into 2015. So take a friendly hint, (though bodering on unfriendly) and go far away!!

More Words

               "Your eyes make me humble. I fall down at your feet"

Funny how certain lines from a song stick with you. Every other word may be a blur but you remember that one line. It's your connection to the song and how it relates to your world. It has ultimate meaning for you. It may be something from your past or something that you wish that you had taken the chance to express. From the Ellis Paul song, Conversation With a Ghost:

Some people come along in life and have a powerful effect. You want to know everything about them. The way they go about their life is an example that you struggle to match. You're captured by everything about them.

              "Are all those things you told me once still true?"

I might be afraid of the answer but there's a person or two, if the moment and situation was right, that I'd like to ask that of. Regardless though, the line in the song just stands out for me with each listen. Maybe an attempt to complete something that's been left incomplete. Maybe it's just wondering what path a specific person has taken since you lost contact? Maybe just wanting to experience the moment again? A yearning that needs updating.

             "I'm thinkin' bout eternity, some kind of ecstasy got a hold on me."

Sounds hopeful huh? Maybe it's not all gloom and doom like some would have you believe. Both in the present and in the future. I'll strongly second that emotion. I sure don't enjoy looking forward in fear.

Signs, Signs .... Everywhere a Sign

Sign seen along the street ..... "Want to be Catholic? Lessons start September 10th."

Lessons? Why does one need lessons? Do you have to pass a written quiz as well? I've always thought that it was as easy as being a hedonistic, devil worshipping, binge sinning pagan today and deciding tomorrow that one's had enough of that nonsense, that I'd like to be Catholic now. (Or again.)

I grew up Catholic. Went to Catholic school for grades 1-8 and proudly wore the uniform. (Blue sweater, white button down shirt and salt and pepper cords.) Was an altar boy too. If memory serves I even had a gig as the person who assigned my fellow altar boys to the various mass assignments. I've worked the Wednesday 6:00am masses and the prime time Sunday slots. I've had priests shoot me dirty looks for ringing the bells too late or too long or for jabbing the communion host drip tray into friends throats at communion time. I've been baptized, first communioned, confirmed and confessed at various points in time. I've been called a "catlicker" by the protestant boys. To this day, if I don't capitalize the name of God when using it in writing, I fear that I'm one step closer to fiery hell and eternal damnation and hopefully I won't die in the next moment or two before I've had the chance to feel remorse and ask forgiveness. With the exception of the rare wedding or funeral attended, it's like been close to 35 yerars since I've gone to mass. If I decide that I'd like to go back, which I've thought about on more than one occasion, do I have to attend classes first? Is my former status of "good Catholic boy" still in effect?

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It was one of those rare days when I went into the public library store and the local record store and after an hour or two of searching, came out empty handed. I guess thats not entirely accurate. I did help myself to a free sampler disc spotted near the exit. Some Colorado band trying to get their music out there for exposure sake. Oregon apparently being "out there" in their eyes.

Maybe they should get huge in Colorado first?

Anyway, isn't that a sin ..... or one of the ten commandments? Thou shalt not exit a record store without purchasing music!! Like right between not partaking in murder or adultery? Or possibly I'm just in a short term slump? Because I've always been able to find something.

Friday Notes

• It's so much easier to get through the rough and tough days when you keep the negative emotions (especially anger) in check.
• Two pairs of glasses purchased at the same time, two years ago, same prescription ..... One pair worn exclusively since that day of purchase, lenses scratched and blurred. Amazing the things suddenly revealed upon putting on the second pair for the first time. YIKES!!!
• Sun setting and watching the approach of dark clouds and a late Summer, early Autumn rain storm. Still a few miles away. An awesome visual!
• One personally confirmed life lesson ..... The best thing for ones health is not worrying and fretting over relationships.
• You wonder how some people ever passed their DL test ..... Backing up in a crowded parking lot without looking and at a speed much too fast for the situation. Then seconds later, tailgating in the same parking lot. Hopefully the person riding with him was asking him what the hell he was thinking.

Small Pleasures

An evening walk around downtown. People watching, window shopping, cool Autumn breeze, people on the street, music and voices, evening atmosphere, cars (a lack of congestion) passing by. A vibrant scene without being insanely hectic and in ones face. It all makes for an exciting hour or two for me. But then so would gazing at the sky and stars on a lonely country road. It's just being physically able to be out and about I guess. And feeling what's in the air. Not stuck indoors or bed ridden. And getting away from obligations for a few moments. I'm very thankful for these small pleasures.

Words

Words have always excited me!!! Especially when the writer puts them together in a manner that manages to paint a visual image for me. If it's happens that it's an abstract image, that's fine.

I used to have three or four times the number of books that I have now. Several years ago, in a moment of maniacal downsizing and moving to a new home, I donated most to a local charity. But I kept what seemed essential to my world. I kept all the Poetry books.

I had an teacher in college once write to me in a letter that I knew what was good writing. I don't know how true that is. Hopefully it's right on! (Please don't mistake this for me claiming to be a good writer, though I do enjoy trying.) I read a few lines and if I "feel" it speaking to me, it's a keeper. There's not much else involved in the process. That's my poetry collection .... stuff that speaks or even shouts to me. Words that somehow touch some inner part of me that few people suspect exists. Is that the soul??

Funny but I don't feel comfortable with vocalizing that word .... "Soul." It must be some macho part of me that refuses to openly admit sensitivity. Yet it's there, wanting to be shared. Sometimes crying, silently but loudly. Words possibly exist to help keep it alive and functioning. Assisting in keeping me moving forward. I think of it as being comparable to changing the oil in your car.

I'm very selective with the words that I choose to hold onto. It seems difficult to meet my established but undefinable criteria. One just knows!! .... you know? I visualize combinations of words just floating freely in the air until someone discovers or often stumbles upon their existence. I see it as a type of magic! The words may have been there for centuries until suddenly outed! I wonder if there are other forms of expression still waiting to be discovered? Something beyond writing or painting or song and dance?

Strange Condition

A strange experience this evening. Driving along streets traveled daily in 40 years of driving a car and it suddenly looked and felt like another place. Or like I was in another town. Everything seemed larger and wider. Things appeared hazy. Landmarks that I knew to be just ahead suddenly felt like they were a greater distance away. I even thought to myself jokingly that, "Hey maybe there's a record store along the road somewhere." This wierd sense went on for three or four miles despite attempts to shake out of the haze. It wasn't until I arrived home that my surroundings returned to a normal feel.

I've had this experience three or four times in the last five years but never this long lasting. As much as I can recall, it has always occured at night. It almost seemed as if I had traveled to either the future or the past. I didn't feel a sense of fright or danger, maybe more like I was floating in some way.

I Don't Enjoy Telling You This But .....

I go through an alternate version of hell at work when I have to inform people that: Sorry we don't have enough going on tonight. I need you to go work for this other person instead. It usually involves a demotion of some sort and I fuss and fret heavily prior to and while delivering the news. Though I have to admit to the occasional occasion where I do actually enjoy the moment. Usually that involves someone who's managed to make their way to the depths of my shit list, which is actually in most cases, difficult to achieve. But there are one or two people who seem to annually occupy a semi-permanent spot there.

I'm not a person who holds grudges or feels a need for revenge but I also don't care for being taken advantage of. All I ever really ask is that people give an honest effort. I've actually told people that if it ever appears or is abvious that I'm upset with them over a mistake, to just ignore me. That it means nothing. That I'll be better in a moment. That we'll get it right next time.

People Watching

Things you see at work and being around others in a situation where there are not a lot of highly educated or highly motivated people seeking further advancement. Or people possessing just a narrow window of vision and ability to cope. (Hell, I can't even adequately explain what I'm trying to express here.) Some just refuse to expand beyond their personal comfort zone. They don't want to make actual decisions that stray from the usual. They don't want to have to think about things and vary their routine with what the situation is calling for yet they still want the perceived advantages of being in a certain job. They seem to refuse change even when given direct instructions to and you begin to realize that it's not so much an issue of their not wanting to attempt what's being asked of them but more an issue of their limitations in their own minds. Their preset attitudes and inner fears and a lack of desire to view things from a different perspective.

And I don't know ,,,, Maybe I'm one of those persons? Maybe there's someone viewing me in the same way?

Wednesday Notes

You know those commercials on radio and television where they repeat the phone number to call for more information? ..... Well they must have done extensive research that tells them how many times is best to repeat a number so that people will remember it but I can 100% without a doubt tell you that it's on the third rapid fire mention of the phone number where I'm shouting: "Shut the hell up!!!"

This is something bouncing through my head almost daily these days. Always thinking: "What Heppened here? I was young just recently wasn't I?" After age thirty or forty, time just seems to accelerate. It feels like you've lost control. Before you know it you're 50 and you close your eyes for a second and when you open them, 60 is right in front of you. And you wish that you would have better understood, twenty or thirty years ago, how the pace of passing time picks up. You think of a favorite record album and can't believe that it was thirty years ago when it was released. But the date stamped on the back of the record cover says 1986 and you do the math .... and still think: "What the hell!!"




Took the facebook music snob test and scored "major music nerd," ..... even though I only admitted to 31 of the 100 nerd talking points. Much of what I failed to claim didn't really apply to my age group or current tech geek status. Though I prefer to think of myself as sophisticated or eclectic as opposed to a verifiable nerd, I'll accept the nerd or geek label as well.

Maybe it's my age and prejuidices showing but I just can't get into new music these days. At least the stuff that they still make music videos for. I'll watch a couple hour long video programs on a cable television channel .... And there's NOTHING exciting. It mostly seems inspired by the worst of the previous four or five decades. There's nothing where I can see the people who are producing and recording it, upon completion honestly saying to themselves: "This is classic. They'll be playing this on the radio years from now." It will just be long forgotten.

Andy Pettitte Day

Andy Pettitte had his number retired and a plauqe placed in Monument Park yesterday by the Yankees. There's always two moments that I immediately remember from his career. The 1-0 shutout against Atlanta in the 1996 World Series and specifically a 1-6-3 double play grounder that he manufactured in the late innings where it looked like the Braves were about to break through ..... Then there was a game that he entered in relief in Baltimore, I don't recall the year. He had been hit hard a day or two earlier and removed after getting just one out as I recall. A day or two later, The Yankees fell behind early as the starter again was hit hard. They brought Pettitte in as he hadn't thrown all that many pitches in his prior appearance and he shut down the Orioles and the Yankees came back to win. He was just masterful only a few hours after being so horrible. It amazed me how he could turn things around so quickly. It must be extreme confidence in ones abilities that makes that happen.

Wait Don't Tell Me ..... It'll Come Back To Me Soon

Someone says hello to you. Someone whose name you should know. Someone whose name YOU DO know!! But suddenly you draw a absolute blank. You laugh and pretend that you're having a senior moment but you are legitimately struggling to remember. Finally after 30-45 excruciating and frustrating seconds, it comes back to you. It's a relief of sorts. And the person walked away laughing. But you stand there wondering how such a thing just happened? You write it off to the craziness of work swirling about at that given moment but can't help but wonder if that's the true excuse.

Grapes On Roids

They ought to check these new age grapes for performance enhancing drugs!!

Grocery shopping with a heavy yearning for green grapes but I am not a fan of all these grapes appearing to be on steroids. Why do people continue to think that bigger is better? These monster grapes just didn't look all that appealing. Hasn't that line of thinking already been shot down with Thanksgiving turkeys? So I opted for the smaller, normal looking organic grapes. Hell, it's only money. Someone's probably had the idea to make a 1950's style Sci Fi, B-movie after seeing these big boys in the produce section. You go 59 years with grapes looking one way and just can't easily transition to nuclear grapes.

Shouting In Your Sleep?

Sleeping with the sliding glass door and windows open ..... wondering if I talk in my sleep and especially during dreams. Just awoke from a dream where I was fighting demons of a sort. Hoping that I wasn't vocalizing the battle while I slept, for the neighborhood to listen in? Grunts and groans and primal screams and what not!! I'd surely hate to be awakened by the police knocking at my front door.

One of those dreams where after awakening, you're afraid to go back to sleep in fear of the dream resuming where it left off.

Hours later, I have no memory of the dream except that my brother may have been involved.

Good Music Refuses to Fade Away!!!

What was good in the 1960's is still good today. Unlike mediocre music, some which may have had a few minutes of fame at one time but eventually faded away into obscurity. The great stuff always finds new listeners and creates new fans.

Want an example? The first song that always comes to mind is, "Sitting On The Dock of The Bay" by Otis Redding. It's still very possible to come across it being played on the radio at any given time. And it still sounds as great as the first time that I heard it in the 1960's.

Yankee Game Day Notes

• Geez. Maybe time to visit my eye doctor. I thought that was a deep fly to right field when it left Ellsbury's bat. Turned out to be a little wimpy looping pop up, a few steps behind second base.
• Pitch count, pitch count!! I'm always watching the stinking pitch count. It gets exhausting. The closer it gets to 100 for a Yankee starter, the more angst I feel. All the calculations involved .... "OK if he can get out of this inning in the next couple pitches, maybe he can go two more." Or ..... "If this reliever throws many more pitches, he's going to be shot for the next three days." I used to let the manager worry about all this in the days before they imposed the pitch counts on television screens. 
• Sixth inning, bases loaded and one out. Pitch count at 101. Hopeful for a double play grounder. Got a grand slam instead. Good way to ruin my morning. 40,000-plus Yankee fans in the stadium all agreeing in hindsight that they should have brought in the reliever.
• I was fearful going into this series with Toronto. The Yankees with a four and a half game lead in the standings but Toronto seemingly surging after a couple of big trade deadline changes. It suddenly felt like 1978 and the famed "Boston Massacre" (in reverse for a Yankee fan) where the surging Yankees went into Boston and kicked ass over four games to take control of the division. Well Toronto has won the first two games this weekend and while still two and a half games behind in the standings, it "feels like" they have passed by the Yankees and are in first place. I don't have a good feeling for Sunday.

My Dream Gig

I look around the room where I keep my music collection and think that the local FM community radio station should just set up a microphone and whatever audio equipment is needed and let me broadcast from here. I could put together a couple hours of music each week and keep it fresh. Mix some Rock, Blues, Folk and Jazz. A little Zydeco and Bluegrass. Play some old favorites and also obscure stuff rarely heard anywhere. Even talk about some of the songs played. It might not be near as interesting as Bob Dylan or Little Steven Van Zandt playing their favorite tunes but I might have a record or two that even Dylan hasn't heard of. And it would be just as inspired and sincere.

Glass Half Empty Attitude

Entering another hotter than the freaking bowels of hades spell here. Why is it that some people actually claim to like the heat? Pure insanity. You step outside and for the first five or six steps it doesn't seem so bad. Tolerable even. But then it hits you like a brick. Apparently it just needed a few misleading seconds to take hold. And then your mind reminds you that it's not even August yet. And you remember that September isn't no sure thing when it comes to cooler temperatures and October seems so far away. Just the word October spoken in July sounds remotely distant.

Been working on a new and improved me at work lately. Where I'm not so quick to get upset with mistakes and misunderstandings. Don't think that I'll mention it over on facebook though. I might get a dozen, "Really?" type of comments. Like they couldn't see the differfence.

I can't recall with certainty. I've always been more of an album person. Why get two songs (with the B-side) when you could get ten or more was my attitude. Tommy James and the Shondells, Crystal Blue Persuasion is the first thing that comes to mind. Though that may have been in album form. Maybe, Hey Jude by The Beatles? Or maybe I'm just recalling hearing that at a friends house? Just a couple wild guesses there with no basis in actual accurate memory. Maybe I just listened to my sisters 45's and never purchased any of my own? For me, the LP was always where it was at. I've certainly spent a lot of money in that quest. I also have a vague memory of the price of 45's being eighty-nine cents.

Shaking Up My World

Last night I slept on the other side of the bed. The side that I never sleep on. I don't know why. A subconcious whim perhaps? I didn't start out there. I just scootched on over there at some point during the night. And on a pillow that I had previously rejected. The world didn't end nor was there a bedroom rocking earthquake that I'm aware of. There were no bizarre dreams to jostle my position. Surprisingly I didn't fall over the edge. How did I know when to stop scootching over? And I gotta admit that I felt more refreshed than usual upon awakening.

You see, I'm not one who's huge on a great deal of change in my world. So this is like a major life transition/statement for me. There's too many unknowns with change. (Though things usually work out.)

Great Mystery Possibly Solved!!

And I've long wanted to discover the answer to this question. It seems that someone has finally come up with a way. Probably came to them as they were drifting off to sleep. (Reference to previous post.) Reminding me of my alltime favorite comic strip, The Far Side.

How I wish that I lived in a town with more record stores and more bookstores. Great gathering places for a community. Great draws for a downtown core and a place to discover what's going on. Communities need more of that. Means of bringing people together and building atmosphere and culture.

I'm convinced that growing up staring into their cell phones has resulted in a generation of kids who don't know how to listen. I experience it all the time at work when giving directions to a younger person is frequently followed with a response of: "What?" or "Huh?" And I'm reasonably sure that I'm not mumbling yet at this point in life.

Weather Report

We complain about it during the Winter but love it when it occurs in the middle of July ...... sprinkles and drizzle. It was such a nice change from the dog days of summer. It makes it much easier for us oldsters to get out and about. And it wasn't just me. Seemed to be quite a few people about downtown and wishing each other to, "enjoy the rain."

Then I saw this which seems to happen to me quite often. I've spent many a moment after just awakening, knowing that near brilliance had visited my approaching sleep daze hours earlier but having no clue what was in the message. If only we could pause and rewind life and revisit those revelations ..... Wait!! Maybe that was the idea that was presented? A way to accomplish such.

Statistical Insanity Baseball Style

Baseball more than any other sport, has a statistic for every possible situation. A new one that I heard today ..... " In his last nine starts with a series sweep of his team on the line, he has an 0 and 7 record with a 7.49 earned run average." (Ummmmmm OK, was my reaction upon hearing.) As much of a statistics geek as I am, I would have never wondered about that one on my own. I guess you can update that after today to 0 and 8 in his last ten starts in that situation and an even higher ERA as the pitcher in question got roughed up and wasn't in the game for long.

Just glad that it wasn't a Yankee pitcher. Who thinks up these things and how tedious must that have been to research? Hopefully there's a super computer somewhere where a super statistical nerd type can plug in a situation that no one else would have ever thought of and it gives you the numbers in less than five seconds. I'd hate to think that it's just one guy going through a pile of newspapers and boxscores.

Other notes .....

• While at work, a young and pretty girl smiles at me several times and I forget for a few moments how old I am. Then the realization hits ..... Old enough to be her Grandfather. It would be nice to be young again and still believe in things like love.
• Was that restraunt serious? I would have had to have a parallel universe version of me and two or three clones sitting there at the table to have been able to finish off that breakfast portion that they served up this morning.
• Then there's this ....... 
  

Perfect Timing

Talk about the inner clock and self fulfilling prophecy meter working to perfection .... I wake up, put on my glasses, turn on the TV, just in time to literally see Ivan Nova starting his wind-up for the Yankees game opening pitch. That's how all sports programming should be. Then in the bottom of the first inning, with a runner on base and Mark Teixeira standing in the batters box, I'm calculating to myself: "If he hits a home run here, he'll have 24 homers and 65 RBI's" ..... then on the very next pitch he homers!!

So what else can I time to perfection while I'm on a roll here? How about: If my doorbell rings and a stranger hands me a million dollars, I'll have X amount of dollars in my bank account? OK, it didn't happen instantly but I'll give that one five minutes and still call it good.

Yankee Notes

• Sometimes I think it's as if Stephen Drew has a bet going with Andrew Miller and Dellin Betances to see if he can get the digits of his batting average lower than the digits of their earned run averages.
• Wow that was some great audition that they gave Rob Refsnyder. Thirteen plate appearances to show what he could do and sent back to Triple-A. As I recall, Robinson Cano started slowly as well when he was called up a decade ago. But they stuck with him and he figured it out eventually. Why Refsnyder doesn't get the same treatment especially when whatever he could provide is likely to be far superior to the current options. I thought the idea was to improve their chances of winning games.
• Chase Headley seems to be stuck daily in a 1-4 groove. His batting average fluctuating wildly between .250 and .255 over the past two months. He could be quietly threratening Joe DiMaggios fifty-six game hitting streak and no one would know. 

Art Fair Notes

Thoughts and observations from a (hot) day strolling around the Salem Art Fair.

• Stood in awe before a beautiful old violin on a table at the Salem Symphony Orchestra's booth. The instrument itself, a work of art!! It's presence, I think a ploy to get people to stop and vote on their new logo ideas. Hate to say that I was tempted to grab the violin and run. If only I were younger and full of spunk, daring and stamina. It's a good thing that I'm basically an honest person. Many years ago, Catholic school put the fear of consequeces for my actions into me.
• I enter with no plan of action and searching for nothing specifically. Just to wander open mindedly until coming across items that speak to me.
• Stunned by one artists work with bronze. Stunned by the prices also. Quality and originality obviously don't come inexpensively.
• I can't help but notice where all the artists come from. From all over the western states. Two years ago there was a lady from either North Carolina or Georgia. That sounds like quite the summer life ... to pack up all your art and travel from festival to festival. The last three or four years, I've attempted to make it worthwhile to at least one artist. 
• Walking around, can't help but wonder where the inspirations and ideas come from. It's almost like you can feel them floating in the air and with so many creative people present, unspoken and invisible ideas crossing and mixing with other ideas, just waiting to be realized.
• Overheard one artist greet a potential buyer with, "Welcome to the inner workings of my mind." 
• Comparing the festival weekend setting full of artists and vendors booths to what it will look like tomorrow (Monday) evening with just the trees and paths, it seems like two completely different places. Each possessing its own atmospheres and attractions. 

A New Type of Dream

Dream about a co-worker, someone I don't know very well but someone that I've never had conflict with, breaking into my home and stealing from me. And each time that I drifted back to sleep or was in that half awake, half asleep state, I'd slip back into a continuation of the dream or some dizzying thought process related to it. Finally just had to get up in an attempt to end all the drama. It was like: "Why can't I snap out of this exhausting maze?" And why can't this process take place with the pleasant dreams?

Heat Wave

Nothing like an extended heat wave to get you to appreciate the arrival of cooler temperatures. This morning it felt so much like a seasonal change to Autumn that I had to remind myself that it's only early July and there's likely more heat ahead. But I truly am thankful for the change. The heat still gets to me. I'm not to the point yet in my aging process where I'm one of those oldsters that you occasionally see, walking around in 95 degree temps, wearing a coat.

Had to chuckle at the Weather Channel graphics the other day. It said that it was currently 91 degrees in my area .... but that it "feels like" 90. Well at least it didn't feel like 92 at that moment. Though a short while later I noted to myself that it "felt like" 122.

The Strange Dream World Again

A dream generated during a mid-afternoon nap, where I go to work and discover that a couple grade school classmates and middle school basketball teammates, Kent Quesnel and Dan Lutz, are driving lift truck for me. Kent's on Facebook and I've seen him around a few times over the years but I can't recall if I've seen Dan since high school. It's just strange how people for no apparent reason, will pop into my dream world. And then playing roles in activities that I would never have imagined of them.

I'm still waiting for the dream where I get into a confrontation with Superman and Batman ..... and I prevail!!! Gotta be one of those just floating around in the air out there.

Finding My (Lost) Voice

I can't seem to come up with an intimate, touching, gently reflective type of attempt at poetry. It may start out that way but by the third or fourth line, a single word or a phrase changes the initial intent. It becomes darker, maybe harsher. That seems to be my style. The words fail to materialize if I'm not detailing some sort of conflict or an aspect of a theme that's not so pretty. I wonder if it defines me as a negative voice? It's how my thought process unfolds over time. I seemingly need to examine the haze, shadows, distance and darkness. Not because that's what I desire and strive for but maybe that's where the most interesting creatures lurk? Maybe a search for clarity?

And I need a larger vocabulary. It feels like I'm recycling the same words with each attempt. It feels at times that they are all the same poem. Especially after getting down words to a new one. It becomes tiresome and frustrating. I need to put time and distance between each effort so that I can feel the desire to start something new. I don't think that I could ever be very prolific .... at least not until I overcome that barrier.

Dream A Little Dream

A new submission to my all-time strangest dreams list ..... A dream, or small part of a dream, where a body part (I won't say which) suddenly falls off and a replacement appears. I have no idea what else might have been taking place in that dream. No knowledge of the presence of others. Just those three or four seconds of bizarre happenings. So feel free to analyze that.

Is that how it is ..... the dreams get stranger as you grow older? I prefer the epic basketball playing dreams of younger years. Running, jumping, shooting, spinning, passing!! Possessing endless energy. Sometimes you make the big shot, sometimes you miss. But at least I know why!!

Flags

So what I really don't get about these people fighting to keep their beloved confederate flag flying proudly, is that the majority of those people would likely claim to be fervent patriots and constitutionalists yet the confederate flag was the symbol of an alternate cause. Of an attempt to break away from the union. Seems like a contradiction?

The Business of Mens Business

Noticed at work, an act of extreme courage. Walking by the mens restroom and the entrance was wide open as the female janitor had propped it open in order to keep various men outside while she mopped the floor. Well that doesn't deter all men. Standing there for passers-by to see was a guy doing his business, the partition apparently needing to be extended a foot or two to provide total obscurity. (I've always wondered about that one business station and the protruding length of the wall of privacy. Now I know.) The entrance is in a little hallway where many people of varied gender pass through to get to other rooms and exits so if the door is open or happens to swing open as someone walks by ....... Well I had to admire this guys balls. Not his actual physical balls but his ability to stand there only partially hidden and easily identifiable, for all to view. Personally I could never follow in his footsteps. I don't want people glancing to their left as they pass by and think or say: "Hey isn't that Mike?"

Words

Ever had words spoken to you in anger, that have haunted you, even changed your life since? People really don't understand the effect that a few words can have. They throw them out there and likely forget about it a few days later. Yet it can linger in another's thoughts years later. You may have initially thought the words not valid but over time and self-examination you begin to wonder ..... even accept them as somewhat true. It can change the way that you approach life. And once that's taken hold, it's difficult to reverse. It can't just be willed away in the three or four seconds that it took to plant the seed.

The Moment of Regret

Had that rare moment this afternoon where I truly regret not having children in my life. While browsing in the record store, a father and his five or six year old daughter close by, doing the same. She would pick a recording out of the racks and he'd tell her about the musician or group. Getting her started early with an appreciation for records. And she was genuinely interested. I couldn't help but to listen in for a moment or two .... and smile and feel a little envious. I guess it's not all crying and changing diapers.

You know .... I really tried to stay away for more than a  a few days or a week. From the record store that is. But the lure is powerful. It's an addiction. I don't know why people are drawn to different things. But my weakness is record collecting. Not rare items but whatever my inner self is drawn to both visually and audio-wise.

Life's Simple Pleasures

Simple pleasures are the best ..... Pepsi in a glass bottle. Right up there with getting "scratch back" or feeling a cool summer evening breeze or mom's potato salad. Yesterday I would have mentioned, Liquid Plummer having completed it's assigned mission.

A basic truth: The older one gets, the more appreciative they are of simple pleasures.

It's Only Words

It's funny ..... at work, trying to explain something to another person(s) who doesn't understand English and it's obvious that the message was not understood. So I repeat it, just a little louder. Then a third time with even a little more volume and emphasis. Like I think that's suddenly going to make my words clear. And so with frustration growing and no interpreter in sight, we all just give up and walk away. We all knew the question. It's just the answer that was hazy. And in the end it will all work itself out and we'll all eventually go home for a good nights sleep and the issue will be forgotten. Except for those who note such things in journals and blogs and who need an extra hour or two to forget.

Yankee Notes (Continued)

Just curious here and armed with what probably appears to be a smart ass question but is actually sincere .... What is the explanation for the Designated Hitter rule. Is the DH required to hit for the pitcher? Could a team let their pitcher hit and use the designated hitter to bat for the second baseman or shortstop? If you happen to be following the New York Yankees season to this point, then you'd know why I'm asking.

With the strike zone graphic box that's now employed in baseball telecasts to enhance our viewing pleasure, the technology must exist to position a robot behind the plate to call balls and strikes. If nothing else, it would end all the arguing and dirty looks. Who's going to give a robot a dirty look or question its decision making? What would that accomplish? I'm thinking that the average robot is immune to intimidation tactics.

If You Would Have Attempted A "Hack-a-Wilt-Chamberlain" He Likely Would Have Broken Your Face

The NBA needs to come up with a solution. The tactic originally known as "Hack-a-Shaq", has this season, devolved into multiple alternate versions. "Hack-a-Dwight," "hack-a-DeAndre," "hack-a-Bogut," "hack-a-JoshSmith" just to name a few of the more prominent playoff strategies. Intentionally foul the poor free throw shooters in hopes that they'll miss two free throws and you'll get the ball back. It's apparently thought to be a better defensive tactic than actually playing defense.

Dear NBA .... You must have noticed by now that when employed repeatedly, as it has been this post season, it's making your game highly unwatchable. It's rivaling the TV-timeout situation / fiasco in college basketball.

Don't those guys get even semi-embarrassed while they are bricking one free throw after another? Or does money in fact .... buy happiness? Or at least contentment in job performance?

The solution that would make to most sense ..... having the players spend more time working on their free throws ..... well we can't expect that from the players can we? Maybe the league can put a incentive bonus clause in all contracts. Convert better than 65% and have the option to skip out on the mandatory post game press conferences. Or shoot less than 50% for a month and you are allowed five personal fouils instead of six before fouling out. Shoot 75%, you get seven fouls. And an extra foul for every five percentage points of improvement. I wouldn't think the players union would have reason to object to that. Hell they have to also be taking notes how this tactic is uglying up their game.

Or maybe for each foul ruled to be intentional via the hack-a-poor-shooter strategy, give the shooters team one (or both) inside rebounding positions on the free throw lane.

And I'm tired of hearing how so-and-so (insert name of any poor free throw shooter) is a 95% shooter in practice. OK that's great but now how about lets attempt 95% more free throws before you exit practice if you make less than 70% in the games.