Dancing With Strangers

Heard a report on the radio where all I really heard is whatever was being discussed compared to "dancing with strangers" while walking down a sidewalk.

It caused a flashback to the most terrifying moment of my life .... asking a girl I didn't know, to dance.

Ninth grade ..... middle school dance ..... Boys on one side of the gym, girls on the other.

I don't recall her name. I'm not even sure I knew it at the time.

Surely though, she knew mine. Afterall, I was on the basketball team. 

I was wrong.

I was always comfortable on and knew my way around the basketball court.

But in this setting it was like the longest walk of my life through a mine field.

Should I ask? Yes! No!! Yes! No!!! Do it!! Go home!!!

I'd danced with girls before but to that point they had been girls I'd known since Catholic school, grade one.

This was public school year one and a stranger. I knew her from seeing her around the halls of middle school.

It had to be a slow dance song. I wasn't about to risk further embarrassment with awkward and robotic fast dance moves. 

It took every bit of courage I could muster to close my eyes and stroll across the floor to where the girls were sitting.

I'd love to hear a recording of my voice in that moment.

The fear and trembling must have been obvious.

She said yes!!!

By then, after identifying the proper song and slowly making my way across the court, there may have only been a minute or two remaining for our first dance.

We finished the dance and went our separate ways.

I'd conquered my greatest fear to that point in life .... well besides snakes and the nightmares of falling from a cliff and seeing Russian tanks coming down my street.

Taken the first day of September 2024. Autumn and cooler temperatures are getting close.

 I only had a few seconds to try to get a photo or two before they took to the sky.  Of course, I wasn't ready for that just getting a fuzzy photo.

Change

Been so stuck on auto-pilot lately ..... work - home - dinner - sleep - back to work ..... that I woke up this evening from falling asleep on the couch thinking it was 5am (it was actually 11pm) and bemoaning the thought of going back to work ..... and then the sudden realization: "Hey, I took a vacation day for Friday. I don't have to go anywhere."

So, I'm thinking that I may have to try this vacation thing again.

I still have five weeks and two days remaining for use before the end of the year.

I always feel like I'm letting someone down if I don't show up for work.

I wasn't always this way but that's what 20-25 years as a supervisor did to me.

Then I look around and see other people coming and going as they please and decided that I want a piece of that action. 

My old boss asked me in front of my current boss, if I'd like to come back to my former job.

When I left that job, I had second thoughts for a few months but now am so glad that I made the switch.

Though I still stop, look around, and wonder what if I hadn't made the change?

I miss aspects of that job.

But much longer might have killed me!!

That's meant to be taken literally. 

It had gotten so chaotic with not enough help. 

And I was getting to an age where I just couldn't deal with it any longer.

And I think that my current boss recognized that and offered an option with much less stress.

Actually, as it was described, with no stress ....  but I tend to create it for myself anyway. 😅

I think my efforts for all those years were recognized and rewarded with the opportunity for a change.

It's been three years since that change, and I am incredibly grateful. 

I'm allowed to carry out my daily responsibilities with minimal supervision or question.

And the only person that I answer to asks me regularly if I want to go out in the parking lot and fight.

So maybe I'll go hunting for vinyl records on my vacation day. 

Or maybe I'll do nothing at all .... though I'm thinking that breakfast somewhere would be really nice.

I'm not anti-going places but I don't much enjoy driving these days so it would be nice if I could just magically materialize in record stores around the northwest.

So it's now 2am and I'm listening to a Greensky Bluegrass album.

Music at this hour used to be my norm. Now it's a vacation day activity.

I was watching a vinyl community video earlier of a guy showing off his estate sale finds .... mostly the usual stuff you see all over ..... and thinking: "Man, when my siblings hold an estate sale for my collection, someone will be finding a few different titles and sounds."

And as eclectic as I think my choices are, the vinyl community shows me that there are people with far more varied and unusual leanings.

So I strive to keep up with the progressive vinyl Joneses. I attempt to get farther from center.

But there's so much further to go.

A few months ago I purchased an acoustic guitar based drone album.

And a few weeks ago, I picked up what I'll describe as a 'contemporary post-punk rap' album.

And I grabbed a few titles from the "Punk" section of the record store.

And I've been exploring all kinds of different jazz sounds. 

My oldest friends would be shocked!! They might just think it heresy. Ot at least, travesty.

I think it's all far out and groovy.

A fiery sunset from earlier this month. A vision that never becomes ordinary. Each image, even seconds apart, is unique. Each is viewed with the thought that possibly it will be the last one presented.

If only every evening ended this way. And each morning the same.

Additional Notes

Additional notes for future members of the universe to consider while navigating life .....

• These little household cleaning and organizational chores that seem so insignificant sure add up and multiply in significance when you ignore them for two or three days. Always do your chores when they need doing. Procrastination sucks!!
• Everything seems to look good and be a nice fit in those department store dressing room mirrors. I think they are designed to provide an extra complimentary impression. When you get in front of your mirror at home, it's sometimes a different story.
• As cool as getting music delivered to your front door is, it will never eclipse the experience of finding it "in the wild."
• I have my morning alarm set for 5:45am. You would be amazed at the number of times that I've awakened at 5:44am.
• Occasionally, I get in the middle of typing away on my keyboard and reach a point in a word where I forget where I am and what letter comes next and I end up winging it and get some interesting results.
• Found total agreement with my boss on a subject that I see so many people dissing ..... mayonnaise greatly enhances sandwich enjoyment and is necessary in life.
• Hate it when ....  I unearth one of my rarely played vinyl records and I'm thinking: I never see this anywhere, it has to be worth something." And it is .... According to Discogs the median price is $1.77. 🤣

Further Adventures of .....

Think of the five dumbest things you've ever heard of a person doing and know that this will probably bump one of those to number six on the list.

Not to forget, embarrassing as hell. 

And for a while, I didn't think I'd make it home to document the ordeal. 

Initially I wasn't going to write about it, then I was, then not and well you see how that mind game turned out. 

Earlier this evening, in near panic mode, I did the last thing I wanted to do .... call the police.

It wasn't a crime or anything .... unless idiocy has become a crime.

While searching for a local establishment after seeing people raving about their fish & chips ....

Genuine English style.

Unable to find the street mentioned by a guy on facebook to navigate around all the road work in the area.

In frustration, I turned into a car dealership lot, thinking there might be an exit to the road at the other end.

In reality I don't know if I was thinking at all .... But here I was in this place.

I drove the length of the lot and there was no exit.

Turned around to go back to the main entrance and the gate was closed.

Oh, is that a lock on the gate?" flashed through my thoughts.

Sure enough .... locked in!!

7:25 in the evening, darkness approaching and I'm locked in.

"What the hell am I going to do?"

I called the dealerships business phone and left a message .... I had great doubts it would be heard before tomorrow morning.

I actually thought about driving through the gate.

"Where's the damn security guard when you need one? Do they even have one?"

Apparently not!!!

"How the hell am I going to get out of here?"

I dialed up the police .... They're in the business of helping dumb people, right?

The dispatcher told me she'd send out an officer.

About 10-15 minutes later, she called back to tell me an RP was coming to unlock the gate.

"What's an RP?" I thought. I also mentioned: "Thank you very much!"

Fears resumed upon the RP's arrival when he didn't know the code for the lock.

He called someone, who gave him the wrong code .... then gave him an alternate code. 

There may have been a third code involved.

He struggled with holding his phone and entering the code.

I started to worry again. I didn't want to sleep there overnight.

Finally, it opened. 

On my way home I stopped at the store.

My knees felt weak. My mood and soul, shaken.

While walking the aisles and avoiding eye contact with strangers, I felt like I had the word, "IDIOT" stenciled across my chest.

I was certain that everybody knew.

I'd like to say that it was all one of my weird dreams .... like #6827 in the series.

But that would be a lie.

At least I have honesty going for me.

Taken yesterday. Pretty sure I'm being warned of the future. Perhaps in mocking tones. If you look closely, it appears the crow is announcing: "Beware! IDIOT crossing." I should have listened. 😁⚠ I didn't realize that the clown was me.

More of the Ache

Just when I thought I'd dealt with it and was doing better .....

The rival high school holds their 50th reunion.

My grade and middle schools were split 50/50 between attending my beloved high school and the hated rival.

So I knew a lot of those 'kids.'

Including my 8th grade crush .... who a few years ago offered to drive me home, post colonoscopy, if my niece was unable to be there. 

And the guy who once gave me a 1962 Topps baseball card ..... Maris hitting #61.

And the guy who was present to insure I didn't do anything crazy when my ex-wife picked up her remaining belongings.

And my nearly lifelong best buddy.

Four old friends and more.

There were photos with memories and I felt the ache and burn of nostalgia again.

Will it ever end?

Seen daily on my drive to and from work. Or at least on the days I don't take an alternate route due to better post-work food options. I once told a friend I had a nightmare that I was in a head-on collision on this rural road. She made me promise not to drive that road again. A promise I kept for two or three years until we had a falling out. I was also once convinced I saw a ghost crossing this road on foot, late one dark stormy night. I've since decided that it was the right angle, the right lighting and shadows of tree limbs being blown about by the wind that caused the ghostly image. There's a lot of personal history on this path.

Random Thought of the Day

Dark thought of the day .....

In the break room at work and looking around at the assembled faces.

Maybe 25 or 30 people in the room.

Most looking much younger than I.

And I suddenly had the random sardonic realization: "I'll probably die before everyone in this room." 😑😏

Just purely statistically speaking that is. 

I sure hope not but if you consider current ages, the odds are with me.

Not to fret though, I'm still pursuing extended immortality.

I don't recall where exactly this photo was taken. Somewhere in the hills outside of town. Probably taken while leaning out my car window. While stopped of course .... I hope so anyway. Maybe between rain showers. A look at western Oregon. 

Notes From the Abyss

Wednesday always seems like such a good time for accumulated notes and notions. Or drive-by musings on this and that. 

• I'm of the opinion that there ought to be a senior discount on taxes. Say 25%. Fifty years of taxation without a discount is enough!!!
• Sometimes at work lately, I wonder if I am going back and forth between this place and a parallel universe. I see someone on the north side of me, I walk a distance and a few minutes later, see that same person approaching from the south ..... having never seen them pass by me in-between.
• I go through phases of fascination with different musicians, each phase lasting approximately one week to three months. Lately I've been in a King Creosote phase. All I can say is, look him up, give him a listen.
• I love the coffee table book, 'Dust & Grooves', about record collecting and am probably overly excited that there's a volume two coming out soon. I'll get in line for that.
• The crickets seem to be in surround sound, movie theatre stereo tonight. 

An exciting moment!!! From January 2020. Spotted these three eagles, 200-300 yards away at a local wildlife refuge. Just wish I had a stronger lens. 

Kick Me .... and Then, Kick Me Again

Have you ever felt like the lowest form of donkey shit?

If not, I may be able to enlighten you how it feels. 

My 50th high school reunion happened this weekend. 

I made a dumb decision a few weeks ago, not to attend and have been regretting it and kicking myself all weekend. 

I mean 50 years!! There won't be another of those. Half a damn century!!

And who knows, I could have hit it off with someone I didn't really know back then and made a new friend or two.

The list from our class seems incredibly long of the people that didn't make it to this point.

How much longer will it be in five years? Or next year even?

Hopefully not another name added but not likely. 

My reasons for not attending are mostly petty. 

I went for a walk in the park last night, sat at a picnic table eating tacos from a food truck, half listening to some Wanna-Be metal band (I don't care for metal music) ..... and told myself over and over how incredibly stupid I am.

Why do I run from human interactions?

I have a list of notions I've adopted about myself that I worry about but so what. 

None of us are 18 anymore ..... though from the photos I saw, one of the lady's doesn't look like she's much older. 😀

But I'm sure few of us have reached 68 without a wart or two, gray or balding head or extra few pounds.

I've always been shy, but not like this. It sure seems like I've reached an elite level of shy.

I didn't want to answer certain questions .... Married? Kids? Retired?

I probably could have survived the grilling though. 

I've received insider information that everyone was laughing and hugging. 

Not sure yet if I'm done with venting. I may return. I sure don't know how to end this, so I'll just stop right here for now. If you see me tomorrow, feel free to kick me. Kick me hard!!

Parking for Fun

I want to have the ability to park my car like my next door neighbor.

He can park his truck the slightest known measurable distance from his garage door, without making contact .....

.... and then get a little closer. 

Every day. Over and over. 

Not a scratch or dent in his garage door or bumper.

I'm convinced that he has some sort of range finder that stops the truck for him.

Or the eyes of an eagle.

And I'm envious. 

I struggle with all kinds of parking.

Just the other day, I parked, got out, looked at the lines, back in the car, inched forward, got out and looked again, inched back ..... then just pulled forward to the next space and went through the process again.

I park in my driveway and my braking foot gains weight and panics as I approach the garage door. 

I would be the world's worst parking garage attendant.

I won't even attempt parallel parking if there are existing cars in the spaces front and back of an empty space.

I'd rather walk an extra ten blocks.

Watching the approaching storm clouds. A far-out perspective.

Levels of Hoop

In younger days I played a lot of basketball.

I used to think that I was a decent player. I could always shoot and pass the ball.

And look like I knew what I was doing and doing it with a little style.

I could play a little defense when the inspiration hit me .... though I could have used a bit more inspiration.

There was a word I heard a coach use once that I always thought was my greatest weakness ..... "INTENSITY!!!"  

I could though, usually hold my own on the court and not walk away totally deflated.

But every once in a while, you'd cross paths with someone that was at a higher level.

And you could see it in their athleticism, power, finesse and overall skills.

It was obvious that I was overmatched and out of my league.

And then to realize that there were two or three or more levels of hoopsters above that person.

And maybe you don't recognize it as easily when you're watching from the sidelines but when you are actually on the court with that person and running and jumping and moving about and it was so apparent that you had no chance when it came to hanging with them.

That to them, it was like you were invisible.

Like you'd be standing there between that person and the basket, attempting defensive measures.

Then a second later, you'd still be in that same spot, but the other person would be gone ..... past you, around you or above you. 

Or they'd bump you aside like you were less than a lightweight minor annoyance.

Not the slightest concern on their part of your ability to disrupt what they were trying to do.

And I would just marvel at how easy they made the game look.  

And that there were guys even more advanced. 

Then I watch an NBA game and the guys in that league that struggle to keep up with the stars and the superstars who reside above the stars ..... those struggling NBA guys would overwhelm the guy that is overwhelming me. 

And I felt small again. Put in my place. 

And it all was/is so wildly fascinating to me.

And it's why I love basketball.

Because I can watch a college and professional football or baseball game and not see much difference in athletes.

But in basketball, I see and feel it. 

I can't drive by an old outdoor basketball hoop without stopping and taking photos from different angles and wondering about all the games played there and baskets shot alone in the rain. This is where I feel the presence of ghosts.

Family Matters

Every family seems to have an old weird uncle ....

I guess to my nieces and nephews that's unanimously me.

I know my chosen role. 

OK, maybe not intentionally chosen but it's how things have worked out.
And it seems I've become more eccentric by the day .... the minute even.

Especially since passing age fifty.

I'd rather stay home, reading or listening to music than travel to exciting destinations.

I'd rather keep working than be 'retired.' Even though I am the oldest sibling.

I'd rather take a vinyl record shopping road trip than attend a family function.

While the others have had lasting relationships and surrounded by children, I've had a short marriage and been single and childless since.

If there's one thing that I'm envious of the vast majority of the population, it's that I don't have a son or daughter to look after me if ever needed.

No one to drop in just to talk to dad.

That never mattered to me until a year or two ago.

But things that you don't think matter, have a way of catching up with a person.

I've always thought that I could have been 'dad-of-the-year' material

Box Dreams

Stop me if you've heard this one before ..... 

But I'm thinking you haven't .....

Inspired by a perceived slight and a lack of playing time the game before.

I changed teams and dominated my former team,

dunking, passing, running the court, blocking shots, 

Doing it all!! 

Leading my team to a rousing victory.

Of course, it was a dream, and we were playing with a rolled-up pair of socks instead of a basketball on a six-foot high box instead of a ten-foot basket.

But I was simply amazing!!!

Just like the old days!!

Well actually, not at all like the old days.

Woke up a 3:00am and had to get this one noted and down on paper before it became forgotten to time.

What the hell was in those popcorn shrimp I ate just before falling asleep?

Old Letters

Going through an old box with items saved from my younger days.

Letters, newspaper clippings, report cards, basketball programs, etc..... 

Looking for correspondence with a girl I got to know in the summer of 1974.

We met while working a summer job for the state parks at the Oregon Coast.

We shared a love for music. She played saxophone and loved the music of Deodato.

I was into the music of Jackson Browne, Neil Young, James Taylor .... the 70's Singer/Songwriters.

Through high school, I was into sports and terrified of girls but somehow, through the seemingly eternally foggy and drizzly coastal air, we connected.

(Sidenote: All these years later and I'm still mostly terrified of girls. 😀)

I looked forward to seeing her every day that summer.

Summer ended and we each went off to different colleges .... freshman year for both of us.

By then, I had fallen in love with her. Though no one knew.

My uncle and aunt who I was living with for those two and a half months, may have suspected.

We exchanged letters for a while, into the spring of 1975. 

But then, for whatever reason, we both faded from each other's world.

She still comes to mind occasionally. 

Looking at these fifty-year-old letters ..... fifty? Is that possible?

There were invitations to come visit at her dorm, twenty miles away.

She offered that she'd be in my hometown on a certain weekend and would call me. 

The band she was in had big plans. 

She joked that they were going to share a gig with a stripper .... she wasn't too crazy about that but hey, it was eighty bucks and that was big money for a teenager in 1974.

She had all these great hopes and at that point, I hadn't a clue what I wanted from life.

I don't recall why but we never did get together.

Then the letters stopped, and I never heard from her again.

Do I need to point out that there was no social media, no cell phones, no texting or DM's then.

Maybe we could have kept the correspondence going.

I've wondered over the years, what path she took in life?

And if she would remember me?

"It's a little bit funny" .... apologies to Elton John ..... but reading these letters last night, I began hurting from the feeling of knowing now, she was soon going to fade away from my world.

..... "this feeling inside, I'm not one of those who can easily hide."

I'm sure that I hurt a little over all this back when it was taking place, live.

But in the years since, I've never thought too deeply about it, never really hurt over it any longer until the last two days.

For me, there's a sense of sadness in these letters that I can feel while reading and remembering.

Maybe it's partly because I'm struggling to form an image of her in my mind.

Like if she looked exactly the same today as she did back then, I might not recognize her if we crossed paths.

And I struggle with the fact that it's been fifty years.

The image may be blurry but the emotions still feel fresh and recent.

And I want to explain that better but that's the best I can do. 

I'd like to think that I would have been excited to share this photo with her back then. I still recall the excitement of this sunrise moment. How I fumbled about with my camera while trying to get into a position to capture what I was seeing.

Appreciation

I've become a sunset watcher. 🌇

I have been for years, but the pull has intensified lately. 

The closer you get to the end of your line, the more important it becomes to take in every sunset.

Not that I have any insider knowledge where or when the end is.

But acknowledging that it's out there somewhere, changes outlooks and attitudes. 

Makes it vital ..... appreciating things that you once took for granted.

Just in case it works out that tonight's was the last one.

Or in case there's a color in the sky that's never been seen before.

(Or your voice.)

Sun sliding low in the western sky and its reflection on the water. From October of 2020. I must have stayed for the duration. 

Sunday Notes

Notes, thoughts and things overheard on a much cooler, lazy Sunday away from work in August. (To be updated as the day progresses.)

• I generally try to follow the orders and directives of my boss and yesterday he told me to take today off and go look for vinyl records, so since I don't want an insubordination charge against me ..... Maybe I should have asked for the company credit card?
• If I look at the dials and knobs on my washing machine, I'm like: "I don't know how to operate this damn thing." ..... But if I go by starting it with muscle memory, I'm fine. 😌
• Just like I think that everyone in the 'vinyl community' has a far cooler record collection than mine, I also think everyone arranges their bookshelves better than I do. That's always been my problem .... a lack of confidence. 😀
• I've seen names of three of my favorites mentioned recently by people saying: "I don't get it." ..... Tom Petty, Steely Dan and Van Morrison. What's not to get? I don't think any of them were trying to change the world. It's great music. Many people enjoy it. Especially those that grew up with it. That's all there is to get.  

Later, while out walking in the park .....

• Overheard a lady say: "I've never been inside Deepwood Mansion." And thought: "Hell, I was married there." 💒
• My shadow doesn't appear near as frightening to me as my reflection in the mirror does. I've never wanted to turn and run after spotting my shadow. 
• Sat on a bench as the sun faded and the breeze kicked up and pondered what ifs .... Like what if I just decided not to return to work in the morning .... or ever again. Too much evening breeze perfection may not be the best conditions for sound decision making.

Tile art along the path on my walk. I thought I spotted a nose and visualized a face and crown. There are dozens of these painted tiles along the path. I assume they were painted by children. Animals, numbers and time seem to be a consistent theme

The Days of the Week

The calendar on the wall at work is still on July.

The guy who was the keeper of the calendar is no longer there.

The other guy is too busy looking at his phone while assuming a reclined position in his new chair purchased with the company credit card.

And me? I don't much care about the month.

I'm at an age where I don't want reminders of time passing by.

Maybe I'll flip the pages in October .... I do look forward to each autumn.

But then, my urologist appointment in October might keep it on July. 

Hell, the calendar on the wall in my bedroom is still claiming it's April of 2016.

Mostly because I like the photo of The Ramones.

The things you notice when you're not really trying .... I was driving along a rural road one day and spotted this solo lonely looking tree on a hill, in this open field of green grass. I drove by, thought about it and had to turn around for a few photos. I respond to the feeling of solitude. 

Why?

Puzzled here???

And I can't help but wonder .... 

Why would some young guy whose instagram feed is full of photos of himself, women, fast cars, mansions, jet-setting, more women and more himself .... why would he follow me? 

Surely, he can't be interested in seeing what music I'm playing.  

Not even as far out, groovy and cool as I happen to think my record collection is. 

I don't see a single Neil Young album cover on his feed. 

He's most likely never heard of Bob Dylan or Peter Gabriel.

I don't see any photos of turntables, reel-to-reel recorders or speakers. 

So why???

I hope he's not expecting a follow-back. 

There's nothing much of interest there for me. 

Maybe a wing of the mansion so I could have an extra room for books and spillover vinyl.

Reflecting This

There ought to be some sort of truth in application regulation attached to the performance of mirrors.

A little clarity would be nice.

Some mirrors, I appear almost studly in their reflective powers and graces.

And at the very least, halfway presentable to the outside world.

With other mirrors, it's like: "Yikes!! I'm going to have to hide out at home today .... I can't let the masses see this."

When walking around in public view, I never know if I should feel secure or vulnerable.

From May 2021. Taken while sitting in my car. I managed to get within a few yards. And over the course of 3-4 days, was able to get 50-100 bald eagle closeups. It was impossible to contain my excitement. A few f-words were uttered.

These Streets

I drove through my old neighborhood at night, past the house that I grew up in.

I go through this ritual two or three times a year.

Not everyone driving slowly down the street at night has sinister intentions. 

Some are just looking to recapture their youth.

Some are hoping to see old friends on those streets and corners, as we once were.

Some are attempting to turn back the clock for a few moments.

Driveway basketball games, whiffle ball, snow-ball fights, midnight conversations, listening to music.

Those memories are still vivid and close.

They had to end, far too soon.

Everyone moving on to something else. New lives, new people, new roles.

And most of what you knew is left behind.

Growing and maturing should take a little longer.

There should be a few more years before one assumes adult responsibilities.

I'm not saying, mid-20's or 30's.

But just more time between 12 and 13 ..... 14 and 15, etc ....

Know what I mean? 

Those years should just be stretched out somehow. 

Or time slowed down.

Yeah, I know. Few would agree.

It's a foolish thought.

My mom lived in this house for eight or nine years after I married and moved out.

But I would return often. 

It was still home.

I could walk in anytime, un-announced.

My old basement bedroom was still my room.

I felt like that should have been a condition of the house selling .... that I be allowed to return now and then.

Tonight, I still feel that way. 

Heron, probably taking flight after deeming my presence and camera, as getting too close. They like their privacy. 🐦

From October 2021.

After Hours

A return to the past ....

Out for tacos at 10:00pm.

Though if it was a true return, it would have been closer to midnight ..... or later.

But the fact that these days I was out and about after darkness falls is certainly a radical departure from my recent norm. 😅

Now home, full of tacos and listening to Dinosaur Jr ..... maybe I'm flashing back to the 90's?

Reminding me of a favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie from the 1960's. 

See You Later

Yesterday was the last day at work for two people I've enjoyed being around.

One I knew the day was coming, the other though, a total surprise.

And I truly detest these goodbye moments. 

Ever since I was 14 years old and Catholic school graduation.

We exchanged a "see-you-later" instead of a "goodbye" and agreed to keep in touch.

I wondered what was going through her mind when I noticed that her car was gone? 

It feels sad to me .... I hope celebratory to her.

But I wondered if she cried during her drive home?

I struggle though with the idea of walking away for a last time.

Why does everyone have to reach that point?

I've been attempting to avoid it for most of my life.

Why can't circumstances allow the things that become part of a person's life, to just continue?

I must be ill equipped and lacking in some vital chemical in my makeup, to struggle with this like I do. 

I will miss the daily interactions and laughter.

And feel a little more alone in the world.

Sometimes a different perspective on things is needed. Sometimes you just need to stand back and take in the view from a distance.