End of Year Notes

End of year notes ..... 

• The past year has changed me. Several visits to doctors and specialists have eroded something inside of me. it's become difficult to think too far ahead. 
• It's become normal to drive around town and feel that everything I once enjoyed has either gone away or changed for the worse. 

I'm the oldest of five siblings ..... four of us to this point, surviving covid ..... two are retired and the other is very close. So why am I still working? Why am I so terrified of the R-word? I've started and am receiving both my social security and pension. So officially in some eyes (the union that I belong to), I am retired and working for fun ..... Oh, and extra money. But I have to keep reminding myself. And there's a certain freedom in knowing I could wake up on any given workday and decide I'm not going in ..... and then never return. I don't need to say goodbyes, a situation I've never handled well. And I don't need to notify anyone. 

• How could two towns that share a border and with a combined population over 200,000, not have a real record store?
• I don't look at the obituaries any more. And I have nothing to add to that. 
• My boss claims that he informed me beforehand of an impending audit. I swear that he didn't. Considering our ages, there's no doubts as to which story people would believe. Yet it's not something I would have forgotten. 

An Only Half Sincere Seasons Greetings

Another Christmas Eve and Christmas day have come and gone and it's so much different than it was in my youth. Just remembering most of the sixty-seven that I've seen and how it's been a slow but steady progression of changes as the years pass by ..... and that causes sadness. How it was celebrated as a child, teen and young adult with family all around and how it's commemorated now mostly alone. 

Last night, I drove by the house where I spent each Christmas for my teenage years and every Christmas for seven or eight years after I moved out. I could feel the yearnings to return and how sad it is that we can never return ..... not only to the physical house but the 'warmth' and spirit of those days.

I told someone not too long ago that I didn't think I could ever move away from this place (my hometown) but now, if I can't return to what I yearn for, then why can't I leave these feelings and emotions and go to where I might feel 'warmth' again?

And now that it's past, there will be all the: "How was your Christmas?" questions. And I'll hide these feelings and say that it was fine because no one wants to hear that someone doesn't enjoy their Christmas and I don't want to drag anyone down. But I always think: "Why ask the question?" ..... "Stop, look around and think about what you're asking. You can't possibly assume that everyone has a happy and joyful time, and yet you still ask." Or do they really want to hear the truth? Because if you ask ten people to answer honestly and not keep their true thoughts bottled up, you are going to find two or three that say it was just Ok and one or two that is going to say it was shitty.

So why can't the people with ideal families and situations just remain silent? Enjoy their time but not advertise it? And why can't they happily move on afterwards without reminding others about their less-than-ideal situations?

And the funny thing is that only a year or two ago, I thought I had made friends and peace with all these emotions ...... but it now appears that I was wrong.

Smoke and Mirrors

Figured out why I spend more time downstairs, and it has nothing to do with climbing the stairs. I just realized that the upstairs mirror causes me to look old while the downstairs mirror, young ..... well younger anyway.

That's some kind of magic!!

Maybe I should try making wishes to the downstairs mirror .... 

At the Bookshop

Walked into the bookstore today and was immediately greeted by a three- or four-year-old boy who was excited to show me the book he had found. His mom laughed and said hello. Me being me, I was tongue tied for words after returning the hello in a barely audible voice. 

Then upon hearing a lady inquire about a Charles Dickens book, I was tempted to bring to life the old Monty Python bookshop skit .... "That's Dikkens with two k's, the well known Dutch author?"  Found myself wondering though if anyone would get the Monty Python reference. But it went through my thoughts with perfect timing.

My method of browsing the poetry section is turning to two or three random pages of selected books and reading a sentence or two from wherever on the page that my eyes go to ..... See if anything resonates. And it's not just the words ..... The font and layout of the page matters. The book title matters. The publisher and book cover matters. The 'feel' of the paper used is huge. Hard cover is preferred. Books from the 1950's and 60's get extra consideration/ 

Anniversary of Sorts

I'm sure I've noted this in past years but didn't want it to pass by this year without a mention.

Today is the anniversary of the day I was married, 42 years ago. It didn't last and after many years of no contact and no idea what was going on in her world, I reconnected with my ex four or five years ago and now we text and touch bases every few months.   

What else is there to say? I obviously wish things had worked out. It took years to make peace with the hell of separation and divorce and with feeling like I failed.

I still have emotions that I have never been able to describe. 

But I survived!! There were times when I thought I might not. There were times when it seemed too difficult. I reached an understanding of people who don't take it through personal turmoil. I don't see it as a weakness. I'm proud that I made it through those times.

Dream a Little Dream

Don't let anyone tell you that the dreams get less weird with age .....

The latest .... A dream about running to and fro, back and forth, up and down aisles, wall to wall and then repeat, in a 'one stop' shopping center in a comedic but frantic search for ....... frickin' LAUNDRY DETERGENT!!

Now why the hell would anyone ever dream about that? 

But I did. 

And I experienced relief (Whew), when I woke up to discover it wasn't an actual pressing problem for today.

The Return of the Jump Shot ..... or Why Can't I Shoot Straight These Days?

You know how people play air guitar and air drums? ...... Well, I've taken up shooting air jump shots in the privacy of my living room with the curtains closed. All in efforts to regain the feel and coordination involved. I've discovered that it is not one of those things, like supposedly riding a bike is, where you can just resume at the same level that you left off at years ago. There is practice and learning involved in the perfecting of raising the ball to the shooting position while the knees bend and feet elevate from the ground in one coordinated and seemingly graceful motion. 

And I've lost that.

But I'm determined that despite my advanced age, I can regain the skill. And make my return. And restore my reputation .... whatever it used to be.

Because I've been challenged recently to a game of H.O.R.S.E. ..... by a fellow senior citizen, who has two years on me (he's younger). And I'm pretty sure that he was always more fanatical and maniacal about things like staying in top shape and holding on to his jump shot form. Though he was always a bricklayer in his prime and a threat to break backboards with his shot while I was a better pure shooter.

Not bragging there. Just stating facts.

Now and Then

Sometimes I wish we could return to our youth. I don't want to stay there but would like to have the ability to go back and forth on demand, between now and then. Maybe for half-hour visits to the past. To visit old friends. To hear classic music again as I did when it was new. To shoot hoops in my driveway. To feel excited about being in love. I could agree to thirty minutes each week of flashback time.

I wouldn't want to stay long. It was far from utopia. It's mostly the people that I remember and miss. 

Downsizing

My idea of downsizing ..... I threw out a compact disc. It shall go unnamed. I gave it a listen and didn't care for it. And I didn't like the cover version of the Springsteen song at all. Just thought the whole thing was put together in haste. I might be wrong in that judgement. But it's not for me. And it clears a small amount of clutter from my too-cluttered desk. Pretty sure that I'll never hear with new ears and appreciation, a tune someday on the radio or online and rue this decision. 

The guy that sold it to me is always telling me: "If you don't like it, bring it back and I'll give you full credit." I don't think he meant after a year though.  

Dream Number 10,326

Awake from a dream where I took dozens of photos from a series of rapidly passing and violent storms. Several where I thought I captured exciting images of rotating dark clouds, lightning bolts and a flock of birds caught in the fury. Photos that I was excited to get home and view.

What a bummer to wake up and realize there were no photos.

And during the dream, the scene shifted at one point, to where my mom was sitting at the desk in my bedroom, then back to the photo session where my brother was working on my car while I dashed around, camera in hand, with eyes on the eastern horizon. And when he announced that he found the problem, there suddenly was my father, sitting in the driver's seat of my car .... (He wasn't the problem, he was just suddenly was there.) Then another scene shift where I was in the car alone, testing out its performance post fix, on a long road (State Street), five miles from the photo scene ..... the road known to me in real life but with surroundings looking much different than I know them to be. Maybe I was back in the 1970's?

Whew!! Did I get it all documented?

At least facets of this dream make sense to me as opposed to my usual reaction to my bizarre sleep world.

And a post-dream question ..... Do birds take to the sky when a violent storm is overhead or do they seek shelter as it approaches?

Limits and Boundaries These Days

I have my limits and boundaries. Yeah, I know, I told someone once that I have no personal boundaries. But .......

Unless it's an incredibly treasured holy grail of a record, I've drawn a line at $35-plus, vinyl records ..... that's both previously owned and new. And I pause and really think about anything over $30. 

And if used, they had better be bordering on pristine condition. The ugliest thing in the universe is scratched black vinyl records. 

Yeah, I know .... Not the kind of boundaries probably inferred above but it's one of my pet peeves, making the top-5 list of irritations.

So, when I flip through bins of used jazz and blues records and just about everything besides 'Best Of' and 'Greatest Hits' records are $50-$75, well it ain't going home with me.

More November Notes

Weekend notes and stuff .....

• I could be wrong historically speaking, but it just seems way too early for 27 degrees around here.
• I have no desire to participate in designated Record Store Day's any longer. It feels like an event with no substance. Especially considering the asking price of things.
• I have a continuing fascination with the seagulls I see making inland appearances. They are present in numbers and continuously taking off and landing on water. Their landings sometimes appear to be a well-practiced ritual and other times an erratic splashdown. 
• I love the feeling received from having a loaded crock pot on the counter cooking away. Especially now that I've downsized to a smaller appliance made for less than a clan.  
• Everyone of the notes above begins with "I" ..... that feels like a sin.
• I enjoy leaving vague, little notes in inconspicuous places hoping that someone will find it five or ten years from now and wonder ..... 

Picture a Face ....

You know how you hear a voice on the radio and then later on, see their picture ..... and it's never what you visioned? Well, I heard an interview of a poet and later in the day saw her photo and it was exactly what I had imagined when I visualized her sitting in a room, answering these questions and speaking of her art. 

I just awoke from one of those epic, long lasting dreams where I was part of a small military unit, preparing for an attack. We had just received a bus load of help to increase our numbers when I was jolted back to awake. I was never in the military but have watched several old world war two movies, many of them, multiple times so I assume this dream came from those viewings. At the least, it was a situation where I could comprehend what was going on and not full of contradicting or unrelated happenings like my normal dream world.

The Holiday

And just like that, the holiday is just about over.

For maybe ten years, since my mom's passing, I would struggle with these days. They don't bother me much anymore. I go about my normal routines and rituals of weirdness, avoid as much as possible all the well wishes from people with seemingly perfect lives, and before I realize it, it's evening and the day has passed. Most of the struggle with feelings is now in the day before.

In a Moment

Arrived at the grocery store and in the parking lot, a dozen emergency responders and a guy they were tending to, preparing to be placed in an ambulance.

I'm at the age where each time I see a scene like this, or just hear an ambulance in the distance, I wonder if someday relatively soon, they'll be coming to care for me. 

And then I think: Is it selfish to be thinking of myself when there's someone in this very moment, going through this experience right now? But maybe it's not so selfish because there's nothing I can do in this situation in front of me and there's numerous highly qualified and trained people there right now providing care.

And I always wonder about this person with the emergency ..... what were their thoughts in the minutes and seconds before their crisis and with no idea what was about to happen? Were they enjoying their morning and looking forward to tomorrow? Were they laughing with a friend or loved one? Were they dreaming about what excites them and the possibilities for today? Has that all just changed forever?

November Notes and Stuff

I look at the five-day weather forecast and think: "No freaking way! That's too cold for this autumn season." Then I realize that it's late November and flash back to my youth, the teenage years, picking up walnuts and the jettisoned and greasy pods in the backyard and raking up fallen leaves in a cold rain. It's one of those images of a specific moment in my life that's always stayed with me.

Apparently cold is the norm around here for late November. 

It sure feels though, like it was yesterday when summer ended.

What else feels like yesterday? It was 2009 (if memory serves) and a day-before-Thanksgiving train ride to Spokane to have a traditional turkey dinner in Idaho with a high school classmate/friend. It was even colder plus snowing then. I have a photo somewhere, that she snapped, of what appears to be me, exiting the back door of a bordello in Wallace, Idaho.

Damn! The day is almost over and I just realized that it's my dad's birthday. He would have been 108, Moms would be 97th birthday is next week. I've struggled in recent years with remembering who's is which week. I've admitted my memory failure publicly on facebook tonight .... which may get me a scolding by siblings and a couple aunts.

I bought a new car around this time in 2017 and remember thinking: "With a little luck, this will be the last car I ever have to purchase." Not that I had a death wish back then for some time in the next five years. But fast forward to the present and here I am again, wanting to buy a new car ..... and having those same thoughts. 

Degrees of Annoyance

I don't think there's a word to describe the level of frustration I'm feeling tonight. 

On my doorstep today, a cassette player that I purchased online. It's been a couple years since I've had a working option to play all my 40-some year-old mix tapes, and various programs recorded from the radio in the 70's, 80's, 90's. Let's just say, from the previous century ..... all stored in shoe boxes in the closet.

There's one specific program that I've been wanting to hear. So much so that I've been on my hands and knees tonight, sorting and searching, searching and sorting, through all these various sized boxes ..... and I can't find the damn tape!!

I found a couple 'Dawn of the Dead' programs. Grateful Dead live shows that is, and a couple ocean and rain sets recorded from late night radio in the mid to late 1970's ..... soft acoustic music set to a background of ocean waves or falling rain. And I found an old recording of my college roommate singing sad and tearful love songs that he wrote to his girlfriend at the time, who I'm not sure, yes or no, is the same woman that he is married to today so I don't think it best to remind him in a public facebook posting. And I found various tapes of music recorded from radio programming with a reel-to-reel tape recorder and then selected songs (the keepers) from that tape, transferred to cassettes ..... with rock, folk, jazz, Celtic (keltic?), etc., themes. And upon completion of my task, to record over the reel-to-reel tape and do it all again. And I found a recording of "Murmur' by REM that a college aged girl gave to me in the late 1980's. I think it was the same girl that I gave a mix tape of Bruce Springsteen songs to, and her reaction was: "Oh, old man music."

And I also found a hand-written labeled case, minus the cassette, of takes that "don't suck" from Jim Rome's sports talk radio program. I've been hoping to find that as well, so I'll have to search through all the loose tapes. Hilarious stuff from the year that I discovered his program. Maybe 15-20 years ago?

Anyway, I never claimed that I wasn't a total geek back then, or even now ..... 

But I can't find the tape that I'm looking for!!! A recording of a program from what I assume was a weekly series ..... titled: 'St. Paul Sunday Morning.' Liturgical choral music.

So, I'm currently frustrated beyond most levels of annoyance because there's no more shoe boxes to sift through.  

But I am listening to a 'Dawn of the Dead' set that is putting forth a calming effect while I consider returning to my hands and knees and searching through those boxes again. 

Regrets

People always say that they have no regrets. That they wouldn't change a thing.

I on the other hand, not entirely satisfied with how things (life circumstances) have played out, have a list of things that I would like a second chance to improve on. Times when I was afraid to go against my hesitant nature and take a chance. 

Your Generation Gap Is Showing

I catch myself more and more often feeling incredibly unhip and un-cool when someone replies with a GIF to another's post on twitter and the reference in the reply makes no sense to me or there seems to be no connection between tweet and reply. It's moments like this when I'm thinking: what the hell are they saying? ..... it's these moments when I suspect that my generation gap would be showing if I dared ask for clarification.  

It's funny how this aging thing works. One goes along their entire life thinking they are still young, in mind anyway, in touch with contemporary culture and still relevant until they suddenly reach this point where they realize they are out-of-touch ..... and you don't really care about changing that. And it's like you hit a wall or crossed some invisible line .... or you just wake up one day and realize, or perhaps the better word is recognize, the point of separation has occurred and that you are too far beyond it to go back.

And I just prefer it that way.

Like, I don't get or understand much of what I see and hear these days .... and I don't care about making any effort towards catching up.

I do think it took longer for myself to reach this point than it did for many of the people I know and aged with. I saw it years ago in some. 

You see .... I think I'm embracing this senior citizen stuff. Pretty sure of that. 

That's not to say I don't suffer from moments of extreme nostalgia now and then. I have these moments where I walk into a place like maybe a bookstore (or sometimes at work) and suddenly become overwhelmed with the sense that I am the oldest person in the building, and I don't care much for that feeling. When someone occasionally smiles and says hello, I want to be able to return that gesture without feeling like I could be their father ..... or grandfather.

More Notes on the R-Word

This isn't going quite as I expected.

I thought that once I officially retired (but kept working), that I would feel free to come, go and most importantly, take days off as I please. But it's been three or four months and I still feel the need to be there every day. No one is pressuring me. It's just some inner drive and guilt complex that I've developed in the last twenty-five years. 

I wasn't always this way. When I was younger, I'd call in on a whim. I thought that the pension and social security payments would allow a return to my younger, semi-carefree ways. 

What is wrong with me? 👀 I think I've earned it, but still can't take advantage of a few allowable perks. 

My Old School

A few days ago, I read that the season for the freshman football team at my old high school (49 years removed), had been cancelled due to allegations of locker room harassment on the part of some of the players. Now I read that five kids have been arrested on criminal charges.

You can't convince me that the coaches knew nothing about what was going on in their locker room. Why was this allowed to happen and continue? 

And what about the junior varsity and varsity players? They must have had some level of awareness. No eighteen-year-old could step up and demand at least a minimal level of maturity from a fourteen-year-old?

Not that it's been mentioned but in case it is, I do not buy that they knew nothing.

Something to be proud of. I don't think I'll be mentioning to anyone anytime soon, where I attended high school.

Capture This

I think some people overdo the use of black & white photos. It has its place, but I think it needs to be a highly selective thing and not the focus. Too many photos are diminished by eliminating the colors in them. 

But to each their own. If someone is happy with their results using primarily black & white, then why should I care? 

I know the excitement I feel when I capture an image that's close to what I am seeing. If another person feels excitement with black and white, that's great for them. I have a few photos that I think are enhanced by black & white or where it's needed to communicate the mood of the moment.  

..... Continued

More desperate musings, frantic notes and possibilities for unjustified rants .....

• Inflation these days ..... Arby's used to have specials offering their classic roast beef sandwich, five for $5. Now the big sale is two for $7. And it feels like a bargain. I wonder if they offer senior discounts. That's a 250% difference!! Apparently, my brain is going through a deflationary phase as I had to use a calculator.
• I drive by old haunts and see my youth flash by me. I wonder how much is revisionary history? 
• I occasionally think about moments in my life where decisions had to be made and directions to go in, chosen, and wonder what if I had taken a different path?
• Last week, as I arrived at a doctor appointment, the first three people seen as I walked in the door, were all in wheelchairs. I realized at that moment how fortunate I have been.

Weekend Musings and Notes

Notes on the end of the world (as I know it) ......

• I wandered through Best Buy last night and felt totally lost. Way in over my head. The only thing less than intimidating was the microwave ovens. 
• Why does it feel like I'm driving around at night and that everyone coming towards me has their brights on? Both literally and figuratively. 
• Had to watch an instructional video on YouTube to make sure I am eating crab legs correctly. I'm all hands and fingers. I was worried that I looked like a neanderthal man.
• Whenever I'm driving about and the Tears For Fears song, Everybody Wants to Rule the World, comes on the radio, I instantly become one of those annoying, volume turned up way too high guys.
• I keep thinking that I'm all hip and cool and whatnot and if not any of that, well then, I'm still certainly an elite vinyl record collector   .... and then see a sub-headline on a music and culture website about new album releases and out of nine musicians/bands mentioned, I don't recognize a single name.

These Days

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about life and the end of it. Several doctor visits in a year will do that to a person. You realize that you are not invincible any longer. You see trends and patterns that you are not that far away from. 

I suddenly think there's importance in acknowledging the significance in every day I am given. It can all change in an instant.

Fun fact ..... I have stopped looking at the obituaries in the newspaper. 

I simply want to focus on the next fifteen minutes. My idea of planning ahead is to look forward to tomorrow.

Don't Get Your Expectations Up

My kind of luck .....

A day that was supposed to begin with a spectacular "ring of fire" annular solar eclipse, there was too much cloud cover and all that was witnessed was a hazy sun and some weird lighting for five minutes. I should have expected nothing more for an autumn day in western Oregon. 

Maybe it's just the senior citizen in me but I am still dealing with inflationary sticker shock. Too many items on the shelves of grocery stores where in the past I wouldn't have thought twice about purchasing but now I refuse to pay the asking price. Am I the only one? Am I in the minority that doesn't matter? Does it matter in the grand scheme of what is decided to be produced?

It wasn't my intent here to sound too negative. There was a dozen or so herons, unaffected by clouds or eclipses, feasting in the field today. Or perhaps engaged in the dance of the herons ...... I managed to get a photo. 

Year of Anxiety

2023 .... I am looking forward to its conclusion.

This has been a year of health related anxiety followed by intense bouts of gratitude. So far anyway. I attempt to stay thankful and humble through it all knowing that a new challenge may be lurking.

I wonder if this is what the senior years of life are destined to be? ....  Always another issue to be concerned with.

Through all the doctor and lab visits though, I have seen so many people struggling to get to the next moment. You just never know what's going on in the lives of others. And then suddenly, it's right there in front of you. So always be thankful for what you have!!

Chatting With a Stranger aka The Fish & Chips Chronicles

Enjoying dinner at a picnic table for this food cart pod I recently discovered, and a stranger asks if he can sit at my table. That was the start of a 10–15-minute conversation about the joys of fish and chips and a few out-of-town suggestions where I can find more. 

Who would have thought I could be so chatty with someone I've never previously met? My normal yearlong conversational warm up period was waived.

But I suppose given a great and proper topic, I can open up with anyone.

I'm thinking that as long as the fish is not too thickly battered, and the chips are basic chips and not some of the sliced potato variations and takes that every so-called chef and hipster cook seems to like to experiment with and push onto us, I could enjoy them for dinner, every evening. It's the food from heaven.

I'm pretty sure that when Jesus fed the hungry with fish, they just accidently omitted the mention of chips and deep frying.

You know how everyone in the world (but me), gets so freaking ga-ga and googly eyed about cheese and pizza? ..... Well that's myself with fish & chips.

A New Statistic

OK being a acknowledged lifetime stats freak, I thought they had everything covered. That they had a number or measure for every possible situation. Apparently, I was wrong. Though I've yet to see it on the back of a baseball card. Or in any of my Bill James analytics books. I just read a baseball statistic that I've never seen before ..... average sprint speed, measured in feet-per-second. As in, said player that I was reading about was the sixth slowest in the majors among those with at least a hundred at bats. I would think that two or three at bats would be enough of a sample size to qualify for that judgement. Or that just the eyeball test and assigned label of "slow" would suffice. But I guess there has to be a number. And it even has a decimal point .... 24.6 feet per second. That "sounds" like sprinters speed to me but it's actually slower than slow.

The Evening

A cool, wet, breezy Monday evening and me sitting on my back deck, listening to the world. I might just stay here for an hour or two .... or longer. If I could slow down time, this would be the perfect moment. A fire for warmth would be nice but obviously not essential. The weather forecast says rain will resume soon and that the temperature "real feel" is 50 degrees. I guess I am tolerating 50 degrees better in my senior years than ever before. 

Notes For the First Day of Autumn

Just a few thoughts passing through my head these days .....

Clouds and cooler temperatures today with rain this evening. Summer is apparently over and I'm fine with that. Made it through another one. 

A stellar jay has been visiting daily to peck away at the cake of bird food left on my deck railing. I enjoy the visits. 

You know ..... I know that we all have our own likes, dislikes and preferences, but I struggle with someone having the thought that zero sugar, lime cucumber Gatorade is a desirable drink. I mean, it's ok .... until that cucumber aftertaste kicks in. Someone should lose their job for that idea. Just my humble opinion. I sure am glad that 54 years ago, my 7th grade basketball coach didn't fill the water bottles with that flavor. I possibly would have quit the sport forever over that.

Whoever was physically involved with the early experimentation and perfection of self inserted catheters for men, must have been among the bravest souls in history.

My back deck had quite a few fallen leaves on it today. A sure sign that my favored season is here.

Expressions

Funny how memories can be sparked .... I was watching a video of a teenage dance group and as it ended and the kids walked out of view, the sudden expression seen on one face, reminded me of an old friend from much younger days. They don't even look alike, except for that single second or two and that facial expression. Yet the memories that were brought back, were so incredibly powerful.

..... Continued

I think when you have these little life situations and challenges, they are frightening initially but with each experience, they lose a little of what scares us, and their potency and power over our life is diminished. Not that I suspect it ever totally fades away or that it can be conquered .... at least not yet. But one can possibly make a peace of sorts with it. Wouldn't that be some great form of freedom if that point could be reached.

Changes and Such

Just a few senior citizen issues .....

Lately I've become so incredibly appreciative of every single day that I awake. I suppose that's what the acknowledgement of aging and little health issues combined with a tendency to worry will do for you. 

And while I've always been reflective on life, I've become even more so

At the same time, there's things I used to think of as important, that I no longer place the slightest significance in.

I occasionally worry that my remaining time is short.

If I don't want to go somewhere, I'm not going. I think I've earned that right. 

Are these common experiences for others as they grow older? Am I just a grouchy old geezer?

I walked out of the doctor's office the other day after a procedure, convinced that I was dying. What followed was a hell of a drive home. It took an hour or two before I was able to calm down. It wasn't anything I was told but rather what I wasn't told and my interpretation of a lack of information.

Once you've gone through a scare or two, it's not so easy to feel fully at ease.

But then, on the flip side, you become more appreciative of little moments and experiences.

LOL .... "flip side" .... everything eventually finds its way back to vinyl records for me. 

To be continued possibly.

Three In One?

My dreams are so freaking weird!!

Is it possible to be in three different places in one dream? 

Just awoke from one where I was at the Oregon coast but also back in college in Corvallis, where I received some news that had me deciding to jump in my car to return home, telling my roommate that I'd likely only be returning the next day to move my stuff out. A heavy rain began to fall while backing out of my parking spot and unable to get from gas pedal to the brake in one fluid motion, drove over a curb and a few feet into someone's yard and then once on the road, realized I was back at the coast where I looked at my fuel gage and decided I wasn't going to make it home on less than a quarter tank, stopped at a gas station, realized that I was now in South Dakota, where there was a foot of snow on the ground and upon filling and departure they handed a debit card back to me that wasn't mine  ..... 

And that's where I woke up. ..... Hey if it was South Dakota, wouldn't I be pumping my own gas? But I recall wondering if they would notice my Oregon plates so I must have been out-of-state. And I don't recall any homes with yards, across the street from the dorms at OSU but everything else about that place was as I remember it, so I was also in state.

Except that I wasn't. ...... Twilight Zone? The Outer Limits? Maybe a little Night Gallery?

If you don't understand those references, then you didn't grow up watching television in the 1960's and 70's. 

Or just maybe, as Neil Young once sang: "Everyone knows this is nowhere."

Corvallis and the coast .... what's that? 50 or 60 miles apart? The coast and South Dakota .... 1500 miles apart? How does one's physical location instantly change within one dream? I mean, I've never had a basketball dream where I was in my old grade school gym, took a jump shot at the OSU rec center, turned to get back on defense at the opposite end of the court .... in Madison Square Garden. That would have at least made sense to me.

And something I can't help but wonder: Does all this mean that I'm in my final days? Well hopefully not literally. 

Hotter Than $%&!!#

Whew! Day three out of the way of four forecasted hundred-plus degree days. Been feeling shaky on my feet through it all while at the same time, fighting a cold. Or whatever the hell I've had for the last five days. 

Each summer lately we seem to have three or four days where we seem to be attempting to out-hot Arizona, Texas and Nevada. 

These drastic and instant temperature changes I deal with at work can't be good for me. Walking through a door into sudden minus six degrees, with a machine-driven wind-chill factor adding emphasis ..... exit the same door while wearing freezer gear, to 100-plus. Then repeat, ten to twenty times a day.

A sidenote .... People would tell me to get a pair of long-johns. I discovered a substitute though. I wear pajama bottoms under my slacks. Seems to really help the aging knees and below the waist bones.

I sometimes think it's a wonder that I can still add, subtract and multiply (inventory related) at lighting quick speeds at my age. I don't need no stinking calculator though I have been known to pencil a few mathematical equations and solutions on rafter high stacks of cardboard totes (aka: "Gaylords") while in there. 

(Every time I hear the term, "Gaylords" I think, Gaylord Perry and spitballs)

Lately, I've mostly been coming home from work and staying home, falling asleep early and experiencing, as Steve Martin once said, some "wild and crazy" dreams. 

Tonight though, I ventured out to take a few sunset photos. Found a good view and when I finally walked away, a lady drove up and said that she wished I hadn't moved as she was lining up a photo of her own of me facing the sunset. 

Me? ..... Imagine that. Imagine risking your camera or phone by the shock to the system a photo of me might cause. Anyway, I resumed the position for another moment. I don't know if she got her photo. I didn't want to know. I'm a little shy about my photo being taken and generally run away screaming. When I turned back around, she was gone.

I'm trying really hard to stop playing the old geezer and being shocked at prices every time I go to the grocery store. Seems like everyone around has adjusted and accepted so maybe it's time for me to make the adjustment. 

Tonight's sunset. The end of a 104-degree day. Still, something like 97 at the time the photo was taken, with a lady apparently behind me attempting to get her own take on the moment. 

The view of this same circular object was a stunning pinkish this morning, as seen I assume, through lingering wildfire smoke and haze. But I was running frantic and late for work, had left my camera and red filter at home and I was on a stretch of road where there was nowhere safe to pull over. 

Turn Down the Volume

I walk into the darkness of the used record store this evening .... the owner immediately offered to turn on the lights .... and he has Def Leopard or Motley Crew or some such thing playing loudly and I should apologize here for not knowing anything about the harder rock but less than metal genre ..... I don't know if I misspelled those groups or if it was someone totally different ..... I just know that it was loud and still dark, even after he turned the lights on, and he was attempting to converse in normal mellow tones over the noise and I had no clue what he was saying. 

I said "OK' which he likely couldn't hear, to whatever was said, and moved on.

It had been a while since my last visit, so I was hopeful of finding something exciting but apparently, he hasn't been bringing much new inventory in because it was all the same stuff that I saw six months ago.

He has a lot of a few big names in Jazz but not much beyond them. I suspect the same sales strategy with the other genres. 

I did find a live Strawbs record from 1970 that I'd never seen before and which appeared in the lighting to be in near mint condition but once home, it's clearly not so mint. Overall, a pretty disappointing Saturday evening vinyl record (and cd) hunting session. 

Five minutes was all I could stand. It's rare when this happens but I couldn't wait to get out the door. 

Pastry Guilt

Isn't it ironic?  .....

Why is there a gym, with an endless stream of customers, next door to my favorite bakery? 

I park as close to the entrance as possible and still pass five people coming or going each time. Folks who I refuse to make eye contact with.

It's become next to impossible to walk in and out of the bakery without feeling considerable shame for my guilty pleasure purchases. 

Isn't carrying my raspberry jell filled, white frosting topped donut (or two), enough of a workout as it is? And the raspberry jell choice is a healthy option right? 😇😋 I seek and need justification for my actions.

No Regerts ..... Well Maybe One

What could be better than a Saturday at work? Apparently nothing since I keep volunteering for it. It's almost become a robotic ritual and response for me. There's a sign-up list posted. I briefly consider the alternatives and possibilities, salivate at the prospect of a little extra money, then sign up for the day, regretting it as my pen-in-hand slowly forms the letter 'e' in Mike. As if my pen hand is reconsidering my choices. But even with mass regret and shame swelling in me, I can't bring myself to cross my name off the list.

It's an illness. 

If I'm asked someday about my regrets in life, this inability as I grow older, to take the day off, may be number one.

I used to be quite the opposite. I'd jump at any offers to stay home. I'd get creative in coming up with reasons and ways to stay away from work. How did this change? Can it be reversed? I'm envious of those who scoff at the sign-up form. I think my co-workers who sign up are fools. I thought that getting my pension and social security started would free me from this burden, but it has yet to kick in. 

On a related side note, I delivered some good news earlier today on a requested day off. I was the middleman between boss and co-worker. The bearer of good news. It felt good. Something to try again. 

Assumptions

They could at least wait until I request it .....

The senior discount received tonight. One quick glance from the attendant at the drive through window and it was given. I've still not reached the point where I want it to be assumed or automatic by people encountering me for the first time. 

The Itch

Made it through again and this time with barely a sniffle. And I didn't need a single pill. 

They said it was going to be bad season. (It seems that they say that every year.) They were wrong. 

July 15th ..... Yesterday .... the date I've identified over the years when my seasonal allergies end. 

Do these things go away with age? Can you outgrow an allergy? (I've had that in my head for years .... like I heard it somewhere.) Did the covid vaccines have anything to do with it? (My personal proposed theory. No research behind it.) 

And I managed it with discipline this time around. I hope it's ok to be proud of myself. I mostly kept my hands away from my eyes. That's always been the point where I break down and lose control ..... the hands rubbing the eyes causing the itch to intensify. Mind over matter. 

The Soup's On Me

This is so typical of my life these days .....

It's literally been five minutes since I pulled and donned my freshly washed and dried, wrinkle free, favorite long sleeve, button down shirt from the dryer and I'm standing in front of the crock pot, spoon feeding myself right from the pot, the hamburger soup that I was so proud of creating and I look down to see a big heaping teaspoon full of the soup contents, on my shirt, sinking deeper and deeper into the fabric.

I mean, that was the reason it was in the wash in the first place .... to remove the stain from a previous feeding and I can't even make it five minutes. 

Apparently, I need to invest time in some lessons in kitchen etiquette and mealtime table manners ..... or a bib. 

Senior Citizen Bliss

I guess I'm just about as cool at this moment in time as I'm ever going to get .....

Still working fulltime, with five weeks of paid vacation for the year still in my back pocket, while getting both my pension and social security started and playing daily rounds of Wordle and this new game I've been turned onto, Immaculate Grid, (for baseball geeks). It's not so bad after all being a senior citizen. I just need to remember all the places where I can get a discount for that status.

Plus, there's not a dirty dish or utensil in the house, there's two new books on my Kindle and a supermoon appearance tonight.

I'll refrain from mentioning potential downfalls, (other than frequent weirder and stranger dreams) .... wary of that self-fulfilling prophecy thing. 

Zzzzzzzz. NBA Action Is Not Always Fantastic

As excited as I was for the NBA draft and to see who the Trail Blazers would select, I found it mostly and incredibly unwatchable. 

Lame interview questions and the perception of the ESPN talking heads panel who were handling the program, all just showing up at the last minute and having no time, or willingness, to prepare.

I eventually had to turn it off and tune into the local radio voices. 

They should just scrap the player/parent interviews. Nothing useful is said or revealed and I'm not sure that there's even any possibility of that happening. It's just not the time or place and besides, ESPN apparently doesn't have the personalities to create interest.

I've appreciated Jay Bilas and his opinions over the years but his takes just seem recycled tonight. 

It doesn't need to be a glitzy, made-for-television event. 

We don't need to see the commish, stroll to the podium every five minutes to reveal each pick. 

I'd rather see all the GM's, sitting together at one long table, rubbing their temples, scribbling on note pads, intensely whispering with their assistants and scouts and announcing their own selections.

Or I'd rather see cutting to televised feeds from each city with all involved parties in a room, (maybe even an interested player or two), sharing opinions and agonizing over their selections and follow-up selections and moves.

Maybe it's my age showing, but I don't really care to hear the immediate and mostly inane thoughts of 18- and 19-year-olds and their parents. But what else can they say when asked the same inane questions that each kid before them, this year, last year and ten years ago, was asked?

I don't care to see some hyped up, cowboy hat wearing freak from San Antonio proclaiming to the world, the number one overall pick to be the "savior." Seems like a lot of pressure to put on a kid.

Bizarre Dream Number 11,346 or A Plethora of Typos or The Bears, The Bears!!

Just awoke from one of my bizarre world dreams. 

It was the final day of ninth grade and I found myself in a verbal altercation with some guest speaker in the final class of the day who two years prior had laughed at and mocked an art piece I had presented while praising every other submission from classmates.

Then upon departing with two friends, one who in reality went to a different school for ninth grade, finding a card in a box of belongings, that a girl I didn't know had given me on Valentines Day .... a well done and very detailed card where she had included photos and graphics and asked if we could get together ..... and then never showed up at the proposed place and time.

And upon waking, it struck me that part two of the dream had really happened though now that I've been awake for a few moments and cleared out a bit of the fog, I realize that it never took place, but I'm still groggy enough that I'm only 99.5% sure of that. There's a lingering doubt that it just might have taken place or perhaps was dreamed of previously. 

And another little detail ..... we drove away in a friend's car ..... it was clear that the dream was a flashback to ninth grade while in fact, none of us were old enough to drive without a parent present (learners permits) at that point in our lives. 

And this all comes with a lesson ..... Never type up details of dreams shortly after waking up ..... or be prepared for correcting a plethora of typos.

And I'm wondering if this was all brought on by just discovering and watching several Alaska 'bear cam' live streams where hopefully brown bears will be viewed while patiently waiting, as they do, for salmon passing by? I have learned that while all grizzly bears are brown bears, not all brown bears are grizzly bears. 

Shift In Priorities

So for a while, for a retirement present to myself, I was thinking about these headphones that I initially assumed to be in the several hundred-dollar range and turned out to be in the $6000 range. 

Now I've shifted to having my eyes on a $40 vegetable chopper. 

It just kinda popped to mind after several days of not being able to come up with a single thing I wanted ..... or needed. 

It suddenly seems like the perfect gift for a guy like me who wants to make my own simple soups and salads.

A Few Seconds of Timing

So I'm returning to work from a lunch time getaway for a milkshake and there coming towards me as I drive across the I-5 overpass, a speeding car, passing another car, half in my lane, followed by six police cars with sirens blaring. It all happened so quickly that it didn't register how close he came to hitting me head on, until they were all fading from view in the rear view mirror. 

It seems the driver robbed a bank and made it several miles into Salem before finally being stopped and arrested. 

And it's a reminder of how only a few seconds of good or bad timing are often all that separates one from life altering circumstances. 

Old Man

It was tough but I kept my thoughts to myself .......

Two teenage girls navigating the aisles of Target in a shopping cart. The older one pushing, the one that appeared to be thirteen going on three, sitting in the cart. 

As they passed by I hear: "Don't hit the old man."

I wanted so badly to say something in response. Most old men probably would have. Maybe had I been with an old lady, she would have said something. 

I don't understand the thought process ..... how regardless of age, when you make a stupid and asinine comment, you can laugh and feel good about yourself at any point after? 

There used to be a saying that parents of kids from my generation would threaten, and I heard of an occasion or two where it actually happened .... Getting ones mouth washed out with soap. Is that still a thing? 

Ex-W-Word Dream

Hadn't had one for a while. Maybe since we got together a few years ago for the first time since we split long ago ..... and talked. But a dream about the ex wife.

I was visiting her at her place of employment and somehow ended up with a pair of scissors snipping off renegade strands of her hair. A passing stranger remarked: "Better be careful, she might want to marry you."

And I replied: "She did once." 

I looked to see if I could detect disapproval or anger in her expression. That's where I woke up. 

In the dream, we were both still young, not in our sixties like today.

It's kinda funny but my dreams, or at least the parts I wake up remembering, seem to be just a few seconds in length. More like a short film with a random moment popping out of the smoke and haze than a two hour movie with a actual plot. 😀

Loyalty

Loyalty?

What's being loyal when it comes to work? Define that vague concept ......

If it's showing up almost every damn freaking day that I've been asked to for the past twenty-five years (minus vacation days) ..... well then, I am the epitome of loyal. 

I can't claim that I was quite as loyal for the ten or twenty years prior but then I was working a second job and now and then a needed moment of sanity was required ..... and oh, earlier on there was the married years, which didn't last all that long but occasionally I'd stay home just because. And before that, I was just young and stupid. 

And while it's true that I may have been grouchy and difficult to deal with for the first thirty minutes of many days and reluctant to say yes to much during those moments of adjustment, or even vocalize at all, hey, at least I was there!!

The R-Word

Now that was a nice feeling .....

Waking up at 3:30am (that's not the nice part), moaning to myself that I have to get up for work in a couple hours and then the sudden realization as the sleep haze lessened that: "No I don't. I have the next three days off." 

Almost as nice as the news the other evening that the first pension payment had been deposited into my savings account. 

Yes, I suppose I am officially retired!! Imagine that. For so long, I have avoided uttering that word. I now have physical documents saying: "Congratulations on your retirement." Though I am planning to keep working for ..... Well I don't know how long ..... Ten more years? Three more years? Next Tuesday? But it's freeing to know that I could reach any given moment in any given day and just decide to go home for the day ...... and never return!!

That's how I want to go out. I don't want to give notice ahead of time. I don't want a countdown of weeks and days. I don't want a bunch of sad goodbyes. I don't want to walk away knowing that it's the final time.

I just want to decide at some random glorious point that I'm not returning. 

And today, I kinda want to gift myself a retirement present. I've been thinking about new headphones.

Are there any stereo shops remaining in this town?

Ponderings

 Things I ponder .....

• Do my plants know when I am near? Are they screaming at me to water them? Do they have a conscious?
• It dawns on me as I listen to music from the 1960's and early 70's that I'm approaching antique status.
• Is my metabolism changing? Not finishing portions (sizes) of meals that used to be the norm is becoming a real thing.

Vinyl Records and Such

Perhaps you'll think this is wildly abnormal ...... 

I own somewhere between 2200-2400 vinyl records. And an even greater number of compact discs. Yet don't consider myself a collector. I am not out there going to record shows, searching for the holy grails of vinyl. 

It (my obsession) started as soon as I hit my teenage years, first stoked by an older mentor who likely has no idea today what passion he sparked and has endured into my senior citizen years. I see or sense little, suggesting that will ever change.

I do have an seemingly insatiable yearning for sounds.

Original or foreign pressings, while maybe nice to have, mean very little to me. I'm mostly looking for music and sounds that I enjoy .... or are interesting to me at some level. 

What's "popular" also has little significance for me.

Cover art and cover photos are important to me. I've turned down things before where it appears that not much creative thought went into the cover. 

I am infinitely interested in what other people are listening to and what they find fascinating. I am constantly looking for things previously unknown and find the choices of other people to be the greatest source towards new discoveries. 

I do think that I could qualify as a music snob. I have widely varying interests but there are still sounds or genres that I choose not to give attention to. I have many recordings that while I would love to play for someone else and would be mildly perturbed at a reaction of indifference, I'll acknowledge that many of my choices are not for everyone.

Occasionally I ponder how much money I would have saved had I never purchased a record or cd ..... but that mood never lasts more than three or four heartbeats.

There could be record shows and estate sales with huge collections going on around the corner and I'd know nothing about them. But each time I walk into a record store, I am filled with the excitement and hopes of discovering something new or (new) old therein. 

I've survived two purges now and can't see another ever happening.

In the past three or four years, I've discovered the vinyl community on YouTube and Instagram and love seeing what others have found. If it's true that coveting what others have is a sin, then I am a sinner. 😃

Balancing Out

Kind of a comical thing took place in my life yesterday.

I was sitting at the end of a bench in the break room at work. I'd been there a few moments so was feeling pretty safe and secure when suddenly the opposite end of the bench began to rise and it became the ultimate struggle to regain balance and not fall over. 

I'm sure that the people seated a few feet away were looking on, wondering what I was drinking for break.

As I helplessly flailed away, trying to regain balance .... and dignity .... hoping and praying that no one had noticed but knowing that everyone had. it occurred to me that I was in this endless loop that wouldn't end and rectify current events until either, A) I ended up, upside down on the floor with the bench resting on top or, B) Someone came along, preferably heavier than myself, and sat their ass down on the other end of the bench.

I eventually stabilized and survived but with the world being as it is nowadays, I'm sure there's a viral video out there on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Tik Tok. Look for it.  

Say What?

So I'm at the grocery store and take my three items to the cashier to check out and out-of-the-blue he says: So what do you think about AI taking over?"  And the second thought, (after "Say what?') running through my head is,  "Ummmm, Allen Iverson retired from basketball years ago, so he won't be taking over this Boston - Philly series." But I finally got hip to which AI he was referring to and mentioned that I was too old to care about artificial intelligence taking over (Yeah I'm real hip there) ..... I mean, shit! He caught me off guard and it was all I could think of in that moment. 

I refuse to apologize for being both old and a lover of hoop, and AI to me is Allen Iverson.

I don't really want to discuss the status of the alternate AI world, while paying for my groceries. Maybe he was concerned that my debit card was going to take over my cars performance on my way home and if so, I thank him for his concern.

Drive By Nostalgia

Occasionally I get nostalgic for the silliest, most insignificant things. Like today, driving down the road and I saw something that reminded me of buying sunflower seeds at a mini-mart, near where I used to reside, over fifteen years ago. And it instantly became a nostalgic moment of time passed and gone forever.

I mean, come on now ..... a small package of sunflower seeds? A mini-mart? 

It's not exactly like last night and viewing a yearbook photo of an old friend on a site devoted to school years. 

Yet for me, both visuals are meaningful. 

Liberate Me

The thing about the pandemic and wearing a facemask that I liked .... I always felt like an equal to everyone else when masked. Like it covered up much of what aged me. It hid things I wished I could change. It became liberating. 

The Dreams, The Dreams

I awoke on the couch, in a daze, thinking it must be 3am ..... (it was actually 11pm) ...... with fading memories of a dream so bizarre that I won't waste time detailing it because I don't recall much but a few seconds of it (maybe that's all there was?), and what would that benefit anyway? 

I hope this isn't a sign that the older one gets, the weirder, and further from reality, the dreams become.

Not exactly a promising and hopeful start to the evening before a day off from work. 

And speaking of dreams, after months of delays, my rebuilt back deck has finally been completed. I'd lost hope along the way but all was restored upon walking in the front door and noticing the absence of the large sheet of plywood across the other side of the sliding glass door. I enjoyed the first real feel evening of spring out there, with my phone and Kindle, reading about the early years of one of my favorite bands, Yo La Tengo and feeling that life was good and complete,

I damn near fell asleep out there. 

And of course, the rains returned a short while later, but it was great while it lasted.

Journaling Over the Years

Flipping through a binder that I haven't looked at in years full of printed pages from an online journal I kept in 2001-2002. Some thoughts along the way ..... 

• Smiling and laughing in between moments where I feel like crying. Memories will have that effect on a person.
• How many different sites have I used over the years to keep various online journals?
• Has it really been 22 years since that moment?
• I wonder if I can turn this into an actual book? Not for sale or anything but just to have a nice hardcover version of.

Updates

The classmates site keeps sending emails informing me that people want to see a photo of me and I'm thinking, "Nahhh, they really don't." Besides there's a photo of me already there from a few years ago that is still representative enough. Other than growing a beard since and getting a little grayer .... I still look the same. .... And I still haven't recovered from that balding period of life.

First Notes of April .... and Beyond

• I am that person that abstains from making paper copies at work if I don't need to. Because I have the trees in mind. And don't want to be the reason that they cut down one more. Believe it or not but this actually goes through my head at times before selecting the 'print' button.
• After three months of worrying, some good news from my doctor. A great feeling. And yet the near constant worry that was felt, digs deep, takes hold and is difficult to shake totally.
• Day off from work and I always have these great plans for early morning of these seemingly rare days. For photo ops and such ..... and then sleeping in, almost always wins out.
• Had to laugh yesterday at work. I was in the adjacent room so I may be in error but thought I overheard: "Just reach right in there, grab that nose hair, and yank it out." A combination of words never heard before.
• Something I did overhear accurately and failed to laugh about .... the owner of the record store telling a customer inquiring about a particular band: "You're going to have to look on your own. I don't have time to help you." I hope they have an established relationship because it didn't sound to me like winning customer service.

Perfection

I look at the basic Hershey chocolate bar and think it's perfection. Each rectangular piece exactly the same. And I imagine sheets and sheets of uncut and stacked Hershey slabs and the temptations I would feel if allowed to run amok and unsupervised in the Hershey's factory ...... and I don't need no snobby Euro chocolate. It wouldn't compare in my mind. Nor do I care to hear any Euro attitude about inferior Hershey or American chocolate. 

And I'm even of the opinion that if the girl scouts included a free Hershey bar with each box of mint cookies they sell, that would be about as good as life can possibly get.

Freak For a Day ..... errrr Lifetime

Without getting too deeply into specifics, I've come to the realization that I am a freak. 

I used to feel like a part of normal people and society, but I now acknowledge that there are enough traits that few share with me and that puts me in the category of freak. People don't get me. Like I was going through some technicalities of getting my work pension started and I said to the guy: "So do I tell people I'm retired now?" (I plan to keep working for a while even as I draw the monthly payments.) He took it as a serious question when in fact, it was just an awkward attempt at humor.

Another case in point .... If asked what my favorite dinner drink would be? Something the normal majority of folks having reached the official status of adult, (even senior adult such as I), would respond to with, coffee, wine or tea ..... I would say coke or milk. 

One more example ..... If asked about weekend plans, instead of going hiking, to the coast or skiing, I'd express excitement over a potential trip to the vinyl record store.

Remember That Old Song .... I Don't Like Spiders and Snakes?

Each time I blindly reach into my mailbox, (especially at night when it's dark), I suddenly become filled with thoughts and fears that just maybe there's a venomous spider, snake or rat in there, just waiting to bite.

Another Birthday Passed

Another birthday just about over. It has me remembering my 17th when friends tried luring me away from home with an evening of bowling, so a surprise party could be prepared in my absence, upon my return. Though bowling did seem a bit odd and suspicious since I had a walking cast on my leg at the time from a basketball induced ankle sprain.

It's kinda funny but at least in my case, I barely give birthdays a thought anymore. This one arrived and passed by in a blur. A friend left a pie on my front porch. Another sang the first two lines of 'Happy Birthday' to me. That's all that one really needs .... a person or two to care. 

Now it's 364 days of hoping to reach the next life marker.

End of the Day

End of the day and I spend it taking photos of birds flying over and around the big yellow blur in the sky forcing its way through the clouds, thinking, "Don't fly too close to the sun.," and wishing it could be prolonged by some random act of time and science denial, and/or rebellion. 

Hmmmm, Watching the sky and birds and a setting sun .... Like there's a better way to end the day?

You see, earlier today, I found myself thinking about age and how in ten years I'll be xx years old and well let's just say, ten tears older and ..... well there's good odds, I won't be alive. But hopefully I will. And towards that goal, the voices in my head agreed to start making smoothies consisting of spinach, kale, celery and such but I keep giving in to the skeptical voice and putting it off with the promise that I'll start tomorrow. And that took place enough times that I had to return to the store for fresher ingredients. 

..... and tonight I looked at the boxscore for the Knicks game because I wanted to see how Josh Hart, who I really enjoyed and felt saddened a few days ago when he was traded from the Trail Blazers to New York .... I wanted to see his numbers and I saw plenty of points and rebounds, assists and steals, because that's what Josh Hart does and I'm positive he grabbed a defensive rebound or two and led his own one-man fastbreak, beating all the defenders down the floor for a layin, because he does that pretty regularly as well. None of this suddenly pulling up off the dribble for a three pointer for him. He's going to the hoop!!

..... and I keep thinking about a friend who touched my heart deeply and says that she loves me yet can't bring herself to talk to me and I won't go into why, but I keep circling back to her telling me that she'll always care for me. 

But at least I had that sun going down and the birds gliding over, under and around, in its wake. And a memory card in my camera, which is never a certainty as it's always 50/50 if it's in the camera slot or back home in the computer.

Damn grammar checkers. I put a comma and it suggests that I don't need one but I leave out a comma and it tells me that one belongs .... to the point that I don't know what to do. 

Life Story

Sometimes I think that all my attempts at poetry are just one long narrative or poem, broken up by verses or experiences. 

But then, isn't that what life is? 

Sometimes, even I, have moments of brilliance and epiphany.  😏

Numbers

Listening to sports talk radio today and they were talking about Kyrie Erving and how he chose number 11 .... listing the reasons. Things in his experiences involving the number 11. Like he played 11 games at Duke, he was born at 1:11, his dad wore number 11 in college, he scored his 11,000th point on March 11th, his name is eleven letters long, etc ... and I couldn't help thinking why I wore the number 14 at one point in life ..... because when the guy was writing down jersey number requests and I said, "twenty" .... he heard "fourteen."  

Notes and Stuff

Notes from a day where I was feeling especially glad to be alive .....

• Is it sad when one of a person's top five most anticipated days during a year is the NBA trade deadline? Or the day that pitchers and catchers report? A friend asked me to ask. 
• My fortune cookie: "You will soon receive a letter from a loved one."  .... I'll be checking the mailbox daily. 
• I took a leap of faith tonight. For the first time in at least the last twenty years, I stuck my feet into my slippers, without checking first for the presence of spiders.
• Horrific feeling when the tonearm escapes your grip and skates uncontrollably across the entire surface of a vinyl record. It's a sign of aging.
• I've probably mentioned this once or twice before but recording collecting pet peeve number one: Chewed up, ripped and/or torn spines and edges of the record cover. Why do people let their dogs and kids handle their records? Why do they obviously drive their cars back and forth over their records? It just pissess me off royally when I find a record with the sleeve all torn to hell. Have a little f'ing respect!! And even more so when the store owners attempt to hide the damage with plastic sleeves.

R.I.P. Bill Schonley

I wasn't planning to write about this because these days, the thought of people I grew up with, passing away, only brings me closer to my own fears of passing some day in the not-too-distant future, but ....

Bill Schonely passed away earlier today. If you're not from here (Oregon) you might say: "Who?"

Well Bill Schonely was the radio voice for the Portland Trail Blazers from the time they became a member of the National Basketball Association and then for the next 28 years. I grew up with his radio calls of the games. In the years when only 10-15 games were on television each season, he was there for every game on the radio. I often shot baskets in the driveway of my home, with the radio playing, recreating the game from his descriptions ..... his words. 

He originated the phrase: "Rip City!" Exclaimed at key points in games when long jump shots would swish through the basket, only touching net. It eventually became an alternate identity for Portland. And I'm sure, shouted out often, in driveway games across the state.

He was 93 years old. 

Hoop Fever

I still have dreams occasionally about playing basketball. Running the court, jumping, cutting and shooting like I've never done before. 

Basketball terminology is ever evolving and has changed again. What used to be called, "running the baseline" has suddenly been renamed, "the dunker's spot." 

Up 27-0 and I was about to go on social media tonight and gloat about the rare occurrence of my Chargers winning a playoff game and then thought better of it. Good decision my part. Final score: Jaguars 31, Chargers 30.

Cause and Effect

Fun and weird fact about me .....

Warning: Not for the easily offended or squeamish. 

OK, it's not really all that offensive, I was just attempting to add a little humor.

I understand why the sensation on skin or even the sound of running water can cause certain bodily functions to kick in but why does the simple opening of prescription pill bottles, have the same effect?

Notes for the New Year

 A few notes to begin the year on .....

• There needs to be a reference guide somewhere for all the abbreviations for three consecutive words, that people, mostly teens and 20-somethings, use in online posts. I'm only able to figure out about one in four. Example: "tbh" .... I think it means, 'to be honest.' That's one of the easier ones but with many, I'm never quite sure. Seems to be dozens of them.
• I'm at the age where every new bit of information that I pick up, seemingly pushes an older piece of longtime knowledge from memory. There's only space for so much in there.

2023

A quiet start to the new year. No booming fireworks explosions, like in past years, sounding as if they were set off right outside my windows and rattling everything inside. Hopefully the year will be just as low key.