Last Dream of 2017

What's with all these ex-wife dreams over the past year? What's causing them? Seems like lately there's one every couple of weeks. It's not like I spend a lot of my waking moments thinking about her. But last night a lengthy dream that she was back in my world and wanting to be there. It all felt so genuine!! Not that I believe there's any hidden messages or hopes within these dreams. And they are preferred over the increasing trend of disturbing dreams from the past few years. Gotta have some balance for sanity sake.

End Of Year Musings

Well another year has just about passed. With each new year I always wonder if I'll see the next year. I just can't comprehend 2018 being here. Wasn't it just 1974 a few years ago? Didn't I used to wonder if I'd make it to year 2000? It seemed so far away at the time and so much had to go right for it to happen. Now it's so distant in the rear view mirror.

It's funny how so many of a persons personal timelines are centered around the year that they graduated from high school. But that's when things really began to change. The end of so many things in your world that have been constants and new beginnings taking over ..... routines, friends, surroundings, expectations. From that point on, time seems to accelerate greatly. And then the pace quickens with each new year. Before you know it, you're looking back on it all in amazement. It becomes more difficult to see much further ahead. Life becomes just one-day-at-a-time by that point.

I mean, I don't want to speak for everyone and as if that's a universal absolute truth, but it sure appears that way. 

There's things I'd like to experience either again or for a first time but if that doesn't happen, I'm good with it. To me, that's a positive outlook. 

(I don't know how the font changed here ..... something to do with copy and paste I'm sure ..... but I'll be damned if I'm going to go back and re-type this. I guess that also comes with each new year ..... increased stubbornness.)

Sometimes when I'm walking around town, a lady will pass by in the opposite direction, make eye contact and smile. Why? Maybe she can see past my cold and gruff exterior? One of these days, the instant will slow down enough that I just might think to offer a: "Hello," in return. Sometimes a simple smile from a stranger feels like enough.

Overheard

Overheard the other day .....

Lady #1: "I love listening to music."
Lady #2: "You have a cd player?"
Lady #1: "Yeah my car is really old."
Lady #2: "Oh Wow!"

I was tempted to explain about really really old antique cars and cassette players. Or shiny vinyl records and my turntable at home. That might have been too much to comprehend though.

Maybe it's just me? I'm still a proud hold out for the traditional modes of music appreciation. Downloading music files is a last choice for me. Streaming? Not even positive what all is involved there. Some form of listening I'm sure.

It's Over

So it's over. I survived another Christmas. No disrespect intended for the actual meaning of the time but much disrespect for how many people and businesses observe it. I can't explain my attitude but it's my least favorite time of the year. I'd likely feel much differently if my mom was still around or if I had children. For the past ten years I've looked forward to when it was over. So please don't use the standard greeting and ask me how my Christmas was. I'll either walk by you without answering or outright lie and tell you what I think you want to hear and feel badly about lying to you or I'll be brutally honest .... which I'm sure you don't want to hear.

Those Momentarily Misinformation Blues

Re: The importance of providing proper information ...... While checking to see if that is indeed freezing rain falling right now, the NOAA Weather website says +6 and -1 for the lows early in the week. WHAT THE FRICK???!!! When did everything change? Turned out it had Salem, Massachusetts for my home instead of Salem, Oregon. Whew!! Dodged that one. Not that I did or ever would wish it upon others but far better 3000 miles away with them Easterners than driving up my electric bill astronomical dollar amounts!!!

More Notes

• For someone armed with a camera, there's incredible and almost infinite beauty to be seen in cold, foggy December evenings!! ..... They're talking possible snow and/or freezing rain for Christmas Eve and I think: "Photo ops."
• I usually don't give a rats azzz about keeping my cell phone charged but since I am expecting the arrival of a couple new pairs of bi-focals and since I am tired of looking through the hazy and scratched lenses of my current pair .... 
• Who knew that reorganizing bookcases could be so fun!!
• I really hate it when I go all morning (this morning) thinking (feeling certain and without question) that it was Friday ..... I just realized as noon approaches, that it is in fact Saturday around these parts.
• More hate .... When you're sitting inside and you hear a car start up outside and wonder if it's yours?
• It must be universal. Every antique shop I've even been in, as I approach the cash register they say: "What did you find?"

Wondering ....

I was the first born and named after my dad but the way things worked out, my two brothers are more like my dad than I ever was. My Father passed away when I was twenty-one years old. I'm now rapidly closing in on the age where he was when he died. He was from a different generation ..... That generation who in their prime youth years, had World War II thrust at them. In their twenties. I think later as parents they had certain expectations for their children that maybe are not so common today. Maybe hoping that their children would follow in their footsteps.

I occasionally wonder what he'd think of me all these years later? I always thought that he wished I had more interest in the things that he exposed me to as a kid. For example, hunting .... But I never understood hunting as a recreational activity. I went in a different direction. I wonder if initially anyway, he'd have been okay with that?

Anniversary

Wow! A couple days ago was the 36th anniversary of my marriage that only saw two such actual observing's. With each passing date, I wonder if the 'ex' remembers on that historic day? Maybe if for only a moment? Once or twice I've forgotten on the actual day but remembered on the day after. Being remembered is always preferable to the alternative, even if you are only a small piece of another person's obscure and possibly revisionist history.

Thirty-six years sure doesn't seem possible but I did make the count on my fingers and toes. So I imagine that it's correct, give or take a year. Like looking back on everything else in life, that time seems to have gone by in a flash.

I was laughing with my oldest friend just the other day .... or was it two years ago? ..... how when we were young and in grade school, it felt like two or three years was three or four generations in passing but at our present age, all our accumulated sixty-ish years have felt like a few quick moments flashing by. Time is possibly the ultimate illusion.

Downtown

Downtown Salem has changed significantly in the past ten years, becoming more vertical. Certainly not New York City skyscraper vertical, not even Portland vertical but you definitely notice the changes while driving over the river into downtown.

There's still quite a ways to go. My wish list? ..... I'm a holdout, endlessly hoping for a return to the days of multiple record stores and bookstores. A lost cause that I can't abandon or shake. A couple art galleries with staying power would be nice. (It seems like every time one pops up, within a year, it's gone.) More murals, event postings and alternative newspapers also. Food carts? (weather permitting) .... Yeah I'd vote for that! Better quality live music and more music in the street and alleys type of events. More places to sit and a specific public gathering spot. People walking around in the evenings. That's my vision of a great downtown core. Before I pass away if possible.

There's obviously more going on compared to the past. Evidenced by the increased difficulty in finding a random parking spot on a ordinary weekday. I'm just needing to become more hip to the scene.

Life Callings

While purchasing a few volumes of poetry found at the "Friends Store" of the public library, the lady minding the cash register asked me if I write poetry? Fearing that she was going to ask me for an example ..... "No not really, a little bit, not very well, but I try."

I spoke those words as one sentence without the commas!

I can't sing or write songs. I can't draw. I sure can't dance or paint. But I do actually think I could become an accomplished poet .... That is if I had the dedication, commitment, fearlessness and intensity!! But if I was possessing of those qualities, I also think I could be a mediocre but serviceable professional basketball player. Even at going on age 62. Because I do feel the passion! I do have that aspect covered!!

Just possibly more so for the works of others.

Doesn't everyone feel some sort of calling in life? It's just louder and more necessary for some people. And more identifiable for some. And sometimes you end up settling for less. Not that I think there's anything wrong with that.
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I see these homeless people around town on cold evenings like tonight. I think that may be the main reason that I can't settle on an age for a retirement goal. I'm scared to death of somehow losing my pension and social security benefits and ending up in the same homeless situation. So I just keep planning on going to work each day, while all around me, people my age have retired, are in the process of retiring or have a definite retirement time that they are moving towards.

What To Do?

Without naming names and getting specific about things I really have no clue about ......

Someone far away, someone who always pushed me away in the past, seems to need help and I'd like to help if I could but when they are so far away and the person always seems to have some sort of conflict happening that they are consistently vague about and you don't really know what's going on ..... and when you've been played, lied to and burned bigtime before by what seems like an almost identical situation that had your head in a screwed up state that took quite a awhile to recover from and stole two or three years from your life (and a good chunk of money) and when you can still clearly remember the moment of realization that you've been taken advantage of .... those factors cause you to be very wary and step away from the potential chaos.

It took most of a lifetime but I've learned lessons about being too naïve and trusting. I struggle now with what I should do and what my beliefs might ask me to do. I don't think I should blindly jump into something where I get screwed over again. God I hate to say this but I sense there's insanity involved here and the person needs to seek and accept local assistance. I see angry vague statements and accusations and wonder what the hell the truth is?

Earthquake!!

Supposedly we had an earthquake today. A 4.0 shaking centered about 20-25 miles northeast of here. Local people claiming that they felt it .... but much UNLIKE the 1993 quake in the same area, I didn't feel a thing.

It does make you think and wonder about the predicted "big one" though, which I'm hoping not to be around for. And that's not to say that I don't want to be around for another hundred years or so.

FIGHT!!!

A dream where I was fighting three guys over some vague issue with my car. (Maybe they didn't approve of my color selection?) Not putting this into my recent "Bad Dreams Series" .... especially since I handled the three dudes with relative ease (Let that be a warning to any trio of wannabe bad ass wussies out there looking to pick a fight) but one where I awoke feeling like I'd been in a fight. (I must have been thrashing around on the couch.) Not that I'd have an idea in real life what that feels like since I've never been in anything more than a couple wrestling matches, but I definitely was feeling like I'd been through something wild and semi-rough upon awakening .... and at least my self esteem wasn't at a new low like with those "bad dreams.".

Hoops These Days

You don't see it much in this era of guard and small forward dominated "small ball" basketball but I still love a good old fashioned matchup of seven footers. Like Joel Embiid and Karl Anthony Towns!! While neither hangs out exclusively in the key area it's still fun to watch a couple skillful big guys go at it.

Years ago, at some youth level, development of the big guys became a secondary priority. You just don't see much back-to-the-basket offensive moves these days. Footwork is not stressed as much. It's like they are just wanted as defenders close to the basket and rebounders. Any offensive game from a seven footer becomes a bonus.

I wonder what Hakeem Olajuwon, Wilt Chamberlain or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar would say if their guards were chucking up the majority of the shots and they were just expected to clean up the misses? I'm pretty sure there would be some sudden game plan adjustments.

Sunday Evening Notes

A week of vacation ahead! No plans but giddy about possibilities. That possibly includes epic amounts of catch-up sleep.

Last night, another in the series of bad dreams that I've been experiencing. Why? I have my suspicions as to their origins but still, Why? How or where do I find a resolution? It's not good enough any longer to awaken and realize that it's only a dream. The effects are lingering for increasing minutes.

It's funny how a late evening hot shower and splashing on a little cologne always causes me to feel better about life. It also boosts the self-esteem that's been taking regular hits from those bad dreams. Maybe I need to invest in an industrial size bottle of cologne?

If I had an additional room where I live, it would be a reading room ..... Though it would also have a wall of record players and turntables. And maybe that graphic equalizer residing in my closet. I like how it lights up. Even when not in use.

Sometimes I look around and picture all that is now missing from previous decades and the world I once knew. Vanished people and places and it rarely feels like it was for the better.

Quality Stuff

You find these labels in books and music that seem to produce only releases of the highest quality. From the actual recorded or printed material to the visual artwork presented and down to the most minor details. Like Copper Canyon Press for poetry and Blue Note Records for classic jazz. Every effort is total quality. Nothing seems to be overlooked. There's little need for sound samples and reviews. You feel excitement when you spot their trademark. There's a feeling of not taking chances with your money.

Maybe it has to do with focusing on and specializing in one thing? ..... Copper Canyon Press (Bonus points for being Pacific Northwest based) is just concerned with poetry. No fiction, no biographies, etc..

Or maybe it's a genuine and deep passion for what they're doing? That much is obvious!!

Insanity and Mood Swings

The recent insanity at work seems to be making me younger. At least in my legs. I seem to be moving around better and with greater endurance than anytime in the last three or four years. Knees, ankles and feet all feeling good!!

As far as moods and attitude goes ..... that's a completely different story. I seem to be growing grumpy old man grouchier by the day. But that's mostly due to having a lack of information being passed along combined with very little time for preparation. It starts weighing on a persons attitude when each day is spent blindly sifting through whatever you can find and assume to figure what's been done and where we need to continue on and/or start out.

OK that's my complaint for the week. Just one more workday and then I'm on vacation for a week and still armed with five additional days of vacation to use before the end of the month/year. Factor in weekends and Christmas and I can visualize a dramatic mood swing coming up.

Of course there's no greater mood swing than that moment when you get into your car to go home. That is, as long as your windshield isn't iced up.

Baseball Card Collection Blues

Ok this is going to need some dream interpretation ..... I'm driving down the road, passing by a park, a park which was the location of many of my real life youthful adventures. The skies are ominously dark and about to open up with rain. I look out the window of my car and see my entire baseball card collection lying on the ground with a 1965 Mickey Mantle card .... (which I'm not even sure I have, though the '65 Topps set has always been one of my favorite card designs) ..... this specific card standing out on top of the pile. How I could recognize this card from fifty yards away while driving by at 30-40mph is not clear. I'm unable to stop and gather up the cards as I'm running late for work. (Am I really that dedicated to work and my perfect attendance bonus?)

One side note oddity among this massive oddity. I was able to reach out the window and grab ten or fifteen cards as I drove by (not sure how) ..... suggesting that maybe I possess the same Mr. Stretch super powers as Reed Richards of Fantastic Four fame. This is this about the point where I woke up and breathed a sigh of relief. I have no recollection of what happened before this five or ten second dream snippet ..... or maybe that was the entire dream?

I'm not sure if this dream qualifies as a nightmare. Though it certainly qualifies as weird.

Seasonal Transition

Apparently numerical day-wise it's not official yet but as far as I'm concerned, you can call it Winter now. You can walk outside at any given moment over the past week and there's not a single indicator in the air that suggests even a fading hint of Autumn. No snow here but the sudden presence of upper 30's and lower 40's  feels like a 'cutting through you' cold (yesterday it was a wet-cold) and it lasts around the clock.

There's still a few holdout, rebellious leafs on the random tree and you still see the occasional dude in a t-shirt and shorts but other than that .....

The majority of the fallen leafs have been power blown away. My heating bill is rising faster than I can put on another layer of clothing. There's a chill coming up through the pavement into my feet. It seems to be getting dark each day, just as I am feeling ready to venture out-and-about. And I've been searching for that comforting winter coat .... which I evidently once again forgot to purchase.

Even the poetry that I've read lately seems to advocate for Winters arrival.

So why attempt to deny the inevitable any longer?

Continuing Thoughts on Recent Dreams

I don't know what's wrong with me lately? I don't know what's going on? I've have these dreams recently where I'm standing there in the end, totally humiliated or left feeling totally alone in the world ..... and then I wake up and it's such a relief to know that in real life I'm not quite stuck in such dire circumstances.

But I still feel drained in a way. Like everything enjoyable has been torn away from me for that moment and even though it's just a dream, there's still a very real recovery process that takes place.

And then after a while .... and several of these dreams .... you begin to wonder if maybe it's more than just some random, strange dreams .... if maybe it goes deeper than all that? I know that in the last five years, I've been 'trending' toward hermit status but while it bothers me somewhat, I haven't found it too terribly horrific or paralyzing or anything. It's just the way it is with surrounding life events, circumstances and life transitions. Anyway, that's how I thought I was looking at it.