Life 101 Continued

Learned yesterday of another friend dealing with grief. Had I stopped recently to think about things going on in her world, I likely would have known. But a connection that we had for a short while had been cut. And I had to back away to save part of myself when I realized that my reactions were less than admirable. It sounds like she may be starting to come out of the worst. Seems that most people my age are not far removed from some sort of grief or loss in their lives. No great revelation there. The grieving is unavoidable. You just find ways to move forward or risk losing a huge part of your own soul.

House Concerts

I like the basic concept of house concerts but don't think that I could host a show these days. I fear that I've become a bit of a snob of late. I can't stand the thought of a dozen or more people using my bathroom. Other than that though, I'd love to host a live performance. It will have to be a half hour show with no encores though and no food or drinks served. Keep down the bathroom useage. I've been transitioning into a germophobe.

New Years Eve Musings

Another year about to end!!

I recall a time in the previous century, mid-1980's I think it was, of going through a short period where I would read of the thoughts of various doomsday types and wondered if we'd be going into the next century. But here we are now on the eve of 2016. And I've never seen one of those doomsdayers say, "Ooooppps I was wrong. Sorry about all that. I was just trying to sell a book. I didn't really have a clue or any actual knowledge." The doomday types seem to multiply each year yet they are increasingly wrong each year. They speak about the present being the worst of times in history but though I wasn't alive in the 1930's and 1940's, I still don't see the present matching the level of fear and anxiety that people must have been experiencing back then. The world may explode tomorrow but it won't be because any of them had inside knowledge.

That's one good thing about getting older ..... You learn how to better sift through all the bullshit that's presented to you.

For some reason, I feel amazed to be able to say that I've lived through sizeable portions of two centuries!! And though generally speaking, I'm an admitted glass half empty type, I'd really like to add one more century to that accomplishment.

I used to be wide awake at the midnight hour (it used to be early evening to me) and would annually open my door and listen to all the fireworks, honking horns, screams and other various sounds of the arriving new year but over the past year have been finding it more and more difficult to make it to that hour. Sleep just takes over. I didn't will it or anything, it just happened on its own. And I have to admit to enjoying the process ..... as long as I continue to wake up afterwards. 59 is the age of sleep!!

..... And more interesting dreaming as well! I've had several instances lately of falling asleep while in close proximity of the television and having dreams with guest appearances by whoever happens to be on the given program being played at the moment of nodding off. It doesn't always work that way or I'd occasionally be hanging with John Wayne and Errol Flynn in those sleep moments but it happens often enough with other voices that it's made a definite impression.

Remembering New Years Eve, 1999 ..... We were all so afraid that the lights would go out, the heat shut off and the tap water stop running at the stroke of midnight. When it didn't happen, we all laughed and made fun of it. They probably wouldn't admit it now but back then plenty of people were worried at not knowing what was going to happen.

Comeback In Progress?

A rarity for me. Visit to a record store and came away with nothing. Did find a book though at the bookstore around the corner: John Beecher, Collected Poems, 1924-1974. An autographed copy!!

Seems to me that the number of people browsing in such places is going up. Could we be seeing a return to the old ways? I've always thought that record and book stores were more than just that. They are gathering places. Places for people of all ages. Destinations to discover local culture and gage the feeling and vibes of a community. Their gradual diminishing role over the years in the name of supposed technological advancements was sad to observe. But for the moment, one can see a bit of a comeback going on. Hopefully it will continue and grow. It's greatly needed in my mind. Their loss would contribute to a community feeling stale and lifeless.

Ghosts and Demons

Listened to a co-worker of sorts, telling about his Christmas this year. That he went to his in-laws house and hurt for him. (His wife and their daughter passed away earlier this year). You could actually feel all the hellish emotions that he's still dealing with. I wish that there were magic words that could help. But I don't know what to say. When I said, "See you later" the day before Christmas Eve, I couldn't help but wonder what he was going through? I knew that I wouldn't be seeing him again until after the Christmas break. He must have been fighting a lonely battle with those ghosts and demons.

He's three or four years older and is actually someone that I looked up to as a middle school kid while watching him play high school basketball and football. Later, I would referee hoop games that he played in, in adult recreational leagues. He still gives me grief about those days. I always walked away though thinking that he was a nice guy. His wife had been fighting cancer for several years and the toll that it was taking on him was obvious but he'd rarely say anything about it. Then he lost her a few months ago.

So Many Questions

I used to work with kids. Initially just during a few months in the Winter but it soon turned into a year round adventure. I used to feel that it was something that I was being called to do. I thought that it was important work and I sometimes feel badly that I don't do it anymore. You reach an age eventually where you wonder if you lose credibility. Just a feeling that it's work for someone who's closer to the kids age. You certainly reach an age where you begin to lose energy and even the passion. All the extra hours (besides your regular job) in sometimes less than ideal weather conditions and fears of not living up to certain expectations can wear a person down to the point where I literally get chills now when just thinking about it.

I wonder if the fact that I have no desire anymore ..... if it's a sin? I did what I could, at a point in life when I was able. Was that enough? I used to wonder how I would know when it was time to walk away? Just like I still wonder with my regular job. I used to think that it would be impossible for me to knowingly walk away one day for the final time. I did make a decision to take a step back for a couple months, into a lesser role in a time of so many uncertainties about the programs themselves. It was just a month or two later when long rumoured budget cuts, ended it all. While I may have sensed it, I didn't actually know on the last day that I walked away from a youth soccer field, that it was really the final day. There was no official notice. As I recall I read about the end of youth programs in the newspaper.

It still feels a little odd. There was no exit paperwork. No pink slip. No goodbyes. It was like it all never existed. Like it all vanished into thin air. Like thirty years of service meant nothing. (Though I've run into enough people around town over the years to know that it meant quite a bit to a lot of people.) I used to wonder if the first step undertaken after the news of the programs demise was to change the after hours access code to get into the office. I never knew because I never returned.

To this day, I get chills when driving or walking by where the office used to be. The same emotions would likely come out if I ever passed by certain schools, gyms, baseball or soccer fields where I once spent so much time and effort but I have no reason these days to go near those places. Few are on my normal travel routes around town. Occasionally I'll think to myself that I should pass by just to see what's going on but each time I fail to follow-up. Just can't do it!! It's a little like driving by the house that you grew up in. Too painful.

Self Taught Old Dog

It's true that you're never too old to learn. It's work related and it only took forever, or at the least minutes, hours and shifts over thirty years, but I feel like an old dog who's actually learned a new trick .... self taught. Frustration can be a powerful tool to assist with learning. Getting frustrated with things that do not look right and knowing that there must be a better way. Stopping what you're doing and breaking down the root of the problem. Mix in a little determination with suddenly performing a function that I'd only dealt with occasionally over most of that period and I feel like I've accomplished something!!

Every Night Is A Good Night For A Movie

I have a new found fascination with movies, a fascination that I never knew before. Most evenings I conclude the day while watching a movie, often ending up watching my favorites again and again. I'll occasionally close my eyes and just listen to the dialogue. Most times I end up wanting to know more. I want to research the characters, the actors, their real lives, their strengths and faults. I want to know the stories behind the movies that interest me. My movie preferences come from primarily the 1940's through the mid-1960's. A period that I consider, The Classics. Where before, I would have never presumed to judge a good performance or a movie well done, I think that I am semi-qualified now.

Last night I watched Sophie Scholl, The Final Days. A movie about a young German woman and her brother's efforts to rebel and inspire others against the Nazi's, their arrest and (supposed) trial. A good portion of the movie centers around her interogation by the gestapo. Highly recommended!

Fingernail Madness

I'm thinking that the first thing to go as one ages is the fingernails. Cracked and chipped fingernails used to be a rarity. It's become a common occurance in the last year or two. Enough of an issue that I've placed nail clippers both downstairs and upstairs at home, in my car and in the desk at work. Probably should have walking around clippers also. Covering all my bases.

Pre-New Years Resolution

I came within a few inches of rear ending someone last night in traffic. All it takes is losing focus for just an instant. After all the resulting yelling, swearing and blaming everyone else on the road for the remainder of my drive home ..... Which I think that was neccesary just to get my fears out ..... I eventually accepted that it was solely my fault. I woke up this morning at 4:00am and the visual image of the scene immediately flashed through my thoughts. Gave me chills. And a re-committment to keep my distance when out and about. Maybe that can be my New Year's resolution.

The Season

I wish that I could articulate my feelings these days on spending Christmas with family. But until someone cares to ask .... and truly listen to what I'm saying. Well then it will mostly just stay buried. I've hinted at things but it's like when someone asks you how you're doing. They don't really want to hear anything other than "Great. Thanks for asking." No one wants to sit there and listen as you go into details. They can't comprehend that there just might be something else going on.

I made a decision several years ago that I was no longer going to participate in anything that I didn't enjoy. It wasn't just a quick emotional reaction to just one instance but rather to several years of feelings that something was wrong. Most people just can't understand how large get-togethers at Christmas can fall into that category for a person. It's not just that though. There's other factors that just don't belong here being detailed for public consumption. (Not that I have actual followers or readers.)

So I look forward and hope that the next few days will just pass by quickly. Usually I want time to slow down but this week it's OK if it fast forwards.

Mall Mania

I hadn't wandered through a shopping mall in awhile. It took only a few moments of a return visit to remind me why. Seems like I didn't pick the best time of the year. I veered off the path several times in search of solitude and just to let the congestion from the mass of humanity pass by. I'm not fond of being in the center of groups of strangers. Especially when they're right on your heels. I doubt that I'll be returning unless it's to grab a quick plate of orange chicken and rice, to go!!

A Good Day

You find a 1962 book of poetry that speaks to you, a great old rare vinyl record to replace the copy that you scratched to hell in your youth, enjoy a sandwich from a small lunch place, snap a photo or two that you truly like and catch a televised basketball game in the evening, then that's a good day in my estimation. For myself anyway. That's how my day unfolded. Makes a person want to go back outside tomorrow.

Other Musings .....

• The thoughts of a friend in response to someone who might attempt to bring you down by commenting that, you are a "glass half empty" type of person ..... "Maybe you just need a smaller glass."
• Having someone ask you your name ..... and then remembering it a week or two later. Not something to be overated. It's a nice feeling.
• A friend happily announcing her retirement but feeling a little sad at walking away for the last time from a job that she loved. No matter how I feel about my job, I think it will be like that for me as well .... sad at walking away that last time. I'm not the type that will return to visit.
• How does one know when to use a comma? I'll read the sentence to myself and it sounds like it needs it. Then the next day, same sentence and it sounds misplaced. I'll edit journal entries of five million words just to add or delete one comma.

Wedding Bell Blues

I mean, I try to be an open and accepting type of person ...... Then a friend 'comes out' and announces that she's getting married, to ummmmmm, another woman. And I'm thinking: "What?? Why the hell? ......" Then, an hour or two later she says that it was all a joke and I'm thinking: "Whew!" Guess I'm not as open as I like to think. I'll try to work on that. But then my reaction would likely have been the same had she announced that she was getting married to a guy. Maybe it's just the thought of marriage that I'm not so accepting of? That sure doesn't make me a bad person!! Or does it?

The Age of Homebody

This is my life these days. There's little that I enjoy more than the comfort of being home. Watching a movie or listening to music. Being out and about in traffic these days gets increasingly maddening. I don't do well with congestion and crowds. I prefer calm and quiet. If that means that I'm boring in most peoples eyes, I accept that designation with a smile.

I also prefer emotional stability. I've given up on pursuits that often result in worry and heartbreak. I know its importance to most people but I've reached a point where the risks outweigh the possible rewards. I don't want to lose another single second of life to negative issues involving relationships with other people. Too much has been lost previously. I opt for no more tears. That's not to say that if something just fell into place that I'd turn and run away. But I'm not going to try and make it happen and I'm not going to jump into anything that I have reservations about. After sixty years, a person deserves to find happiness however it materializes.

Regarding Bob Dylan's song, Desolation Row ..... I can have it playing and not really be hearing the lyrics but then there's one line that I always hear: "I had to rearrange their faces and give them another name."

Mind and Body

At what point in existence do the mind and body finally get totally in sync? When will I be able to watch a basketball game on television without thinking that I can still hoop it up? I mean not at an NBA or major college level or any such fantastical illusions as that, but at my level that I used to play at? Or just a notch below maybe? Because the thoughts do start going through my head. And the reality is that I'm never going to know those days again but seeing others running, jumping, pivoting ..... It gets my blood and mind all worked into a frenzy and anxious to air up my basketball and head to the gym. The mind just refuses to accept that the changes your body goes through as you pass 30, 40, 50 and beyond, affects performance. But then you experience those moments when you're forced to move a little faster, like the sudden realization of an significant error in judgement when attempting to cross a downtown street with oncoming traffic oncoming, and your life begins to flash by and your mind says: "Move it!!" But your knees, ankles, toes, thighs, etc., refuse the directive and the dire need to work together. And while you somehow managed to get out of harms way, you know that you took on the appearance of a bumbling, stumbling clown in doing so.

The Day ..... That No Longer Is

It's just around the corner. It snuck up on me this year. A day that for several years was always on my radar and that I had problems dealing with. December 19th that is ..... The anniversary of the day that I was married, 34 years ago. I'm happy to say that these days, it's just another day to enjoy life and sandwiches. (I'm trying to follow Warren Zevon's advice.) No old emotions will be drudged up from the deep. No more regrets. Well maybe a regret or two but no more sadness over those feelings. I've made peace with those demons and ghosts. Had to for survival. Struggling with it is no way to live and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I marvel now at anyone who's managed to keep a marriage together for that long.

Life 101 Continued .....

Maybe I've done too good a job in re-making my living space? It's like every time I go anywhere lately, after a half hour or so, I can't wait to get back to the comforts of home. Or maybe it's the constant overwhelming desire that I have to take my shoes off. Nothing else really, just the shoes. Which probably speaks to the problem that I seem to have with finding a comfortable pair of shoes. I'm beginning to think that's the secret to a good long quality life .... a good pair of shoes. Oh and also maybe a tasty sandwich or bowl of soup each day.

Laughing helps too. I don't really laugh out loud all that often. I'm generally more of a keep it in, silent type of laugher. But I was watching a Seinfeld DVD the other evening at 2:00 or 3:00am and couldn't help it. Just some of the conversations in those middle seasons, after they found their niche and before the show became overly goofy. truly laugh out loud stuff!!

And then there's music to consider, which I could probably write a book about. Search out and collect recordings! For me, the search is as enjoyable as the actual listening experience.

Do something artsy. Create something! .... I have four or five journals/blogs going. I collect photos that interest me and paste them in scrapbooks. I enjoy taking photographs. I've begun messing with Windows Paint to see if I can create anything visual. I'm not claiming that I'm even remotely mediocre at any of those but it's fun and relaxing. I recently read where someone said that it doesn't matter if you are good or not, just that you've created something that wasn't there before. I believe that to be true!!

Find a way to make friends or peace with the things that haunt you. It's essential for survival!!

The Game

So this is what this getting older thing is all about .... A big game!! One day, one thing hurts for no obvious reason. It continues to ache all day long. And you begin to worry that it's the feared beginning of the end. That it's going to be a lifelong ailment from this moment on and that you'll never play the violin again. (Not that I could play it before.) Then you fall asleep, wake up a few hours later and the pain is gone. But then something else is hurting. It's like there's a tiny little man armed with a tiny little sledge hammer, traveling via the blood stream to various locations in your body. Making sure to stop and stay awhile at all points from head to pinkie toe. And that little man seems to be fine with working long hours and having no days off

Sunday Night Mind Control

I 've been known to do some of the dumbest things. Like loading the crock pot at 6:00pm ..... So that dinner would be ready at 4:00am. Like I couldn't find anything else better to do in order to pass the time of that 6:00 hour. I really should have thought that one all the way through to the conclusion. But I find the crock pot to be mesmerizing. Or is it intoxicating? Whatever the mind numbing method, just knowing what all is in there, bubbling and mixing, slow cooking away, filling the living space with its aromas. It messes with my thought processes. Discombobulation rules!! Sometimes I just can't wait for the appropriate moment for the given task.

It's like that movie where they say: "Wouldn't that be like killing a mockingbird?" ..... Wait!!! It's actually nothing like that!! Funny how for a second or two that came to mind as a valid comparison.

I think it's sitting alone in the dark, listening to the devils rock music after midnight which is causing all this. I mean previously I'd been sitting here pondering how this just might possibly be my last five minutes of life. It's been 20-30 minutes since I worked through all that. But then what if this now is my final five minutes? It's like I'm stuck in a music loop. Thanks a lot OPB music streaming service!!

Time to go watch a movie. Something to fall asleep with. Maybe "The Desert Rats?" The voice of Richard Burton!