Mailbox Blues

Rarely so happy as today, to open my mailbox and find advertising for a pizza place .... and I don't even like pizza .... instead of political junk. 

And to the one candidate who has bombarded me in the past two weeks with at least seven flyers ..... you've lost my vote. I don't care if your opponent is running on the single issue of banning vinyl records. I'm still not voting for you. 

RIP Andy

I read tonight that the guy who was the number one "jock" (said admirably) in my high school class has passed away. Smuggled out of Hungary in a suitcase as an infant during their 1956 revolution against Russian rule, I went to the first two or three years of catholic school with him but didn't get to know him until high school.

Always fun to be around, I have one story that I have remembered over the years. It was two or three years removed from high school. We were both at Oregon State University and on opposite intramural basketball teams. His team had the lead on the scoreboard when I suddenly had one of those "in the zone" moments and made four consecutive jump shots as the lead changed to my team. Andy called a timeout and lit into his teammates. As both teams returned to the court, he was giving defensive assignments to his teammates and ended the session with a loud: "..... and I got Brown!!!" I went scoreless the rest of the game.

Years later, probably in our mid-40-something age ..... I was waiting at the KFC not too far from the neighborhoods where we both grew up.  Another waiting customer started up a conversation with me. After a moment or two, he sensed that I didn't recognize him. He re-introduced himself. It was Andy. He had moved out-of-state and was back to visit his family. I laughed to myself because he was one of the more popular, well-known members of our high school class and it was him recognizing me. I always thought it should have been the other way around.

R.I.P. Andy

"Boss"

A word I hear often from younger males, directed towards me and in a variety of my wanderings in these older years is, "boss."

Is that what the younger generations tend to use? 

Along with "of course" (usually used by females) in place of, 'your welcome.' 

Not that I mind being called "boss" .....

Sounds better to my ears and way less sterile or cold than sir or mister.

It probably wouldn't happen if I came off as a total buffoon and lacking in dignity or respect.

It kind of feels like I'm being looked up to or that I can be relied on.

So, I think I like it.

Time to Listen

Listening to music tonight ..... a guy named Jon Charles Dwyer. With an acoustic guitar, voice and words. I don't know much but I'm thinking it's the best way to spend a cool and rainy evening. I'd invite you over if I could. You're the inspiration for most of these later life moments. And you don't even know.

I think one of the easiest things a person can do is to write. I think one of the most difficult things is to make it interesting enough that anyone would want to read your words beyond the first sentence. That's a struggle I know.

My signature, which used to flow so easily from my hand and pen, in the past six months has become a major hassle. My hand keeps wanting to shut down after the fourth letter in my seven letter first name. And once forcibly and sloppily restarted, it doesn't seem to remember that I have a middle initial. There's no pain or arthritis or anything. It's just like my hand says: "ENOUGH!!" And now it's become a mental thing as I start to think about it as I finish off the second letter and begin the third. 

Blue heron taking flight. Captured this afternoon in an effort to elude the intrusion and aim of my camera. I get too close, and they take to the sky.

My Way

You know, I'm probably the only person in the known universe that buys a hot dog and then puts only mayonnaise on it ..... no relish, no mustard, no stinking cheese. Once in a great while, I'll substitute ketchup for the mayo. And I don't understand why my way isn't the norm.  

Time and Storms

I've begun to hate time.

I looked at the calendar today and realized that Thanksgiving is close.

How is that possible?

I'm not 69 yet but before I know it, I'll be 70. (Hopefully)

There are few things, if any, that are as relentless as time passing by.

I blame covid ..... and I blame my doctor. 

Finding numbers in blood tests resulting in being sent to specialists for multiple visits and follow-ups. 

So far I've emerged ok but it has seemingly had the side effect of speeding up times pace.

I've spent too many days and hours feeling anxiety about the next visit.

I truly dread seeing emails informing me that I have a new message on "My Chart."

I did take a little comfort the other day in overhearing my doctor tell another patient that he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do.

I mean, I've been feeling a little trapped at times.

Like I have to get this or that done.

Really wishing that I had someone like a son or daughter watching out and advocating for me. 

I hear noise outside as I type.

I assume it's a cat on my back deck, flip on the lights and see that it's the wind and rain.

Leaves falling ..... like snowflakes. 

I sure hope there's some autumn colors remaining in the trees in the morning. 

(I think there's an idea somewhere for another attempt at poetry in a few of those words.)

I haven't been out much with my camera yet, documenting autumn.

I think I'll sleep on the couch tonight with the curtains open and lights on so I can feel a part of the evening storm.

I don't want to wake up and realize that I slept through it all.

It was almost like they were performing a ritual dance. 

Got That Behind Me

These days, at this age I've reached, one of the greatest feelings I can experience in life is the feeling I get as I'm about to walk out the door of the doctor's office. I get so anxious beforehand and it's so nice to have the visit in my past and be at the point of the greatest amount of time between this and the next visit.

I always want to do something special afterwards. For me that means fish & chips and a visit to the record store. Yeah, I know. My idea of 'special' needs reworking. At my deepest level though, I'm basically a nerd. 

I walked away feeling a little sad. The specialist I've been seeing for the past year informed me that he was moving to Iowa. To a less hectic life. I actually could hear him as I waited, through the walls, informing another patient. When it was my turn, he apologized for the "sonics" of the place. I had begun to feel comfortable with him. (It's not an easy process for me.) Now I have to start over. He promised me that I'd like the doctor he was assigning me to.

I'm at the point where I just want to live out the years quietly. Where I'll only answer the phone or door if it's someone I want to talk to. 

No surprises, no drama. A minimum of difficult decisions.

That's all stuff for the first 65 years of life.

No loud noise .... well except of course for when I turn up the volume as I listen to music. 😃

Took this photo almost fifteen years ago while visiting a friend in eastern Tennessee at Christmas time. She drove me around the countryside looking for old barns. 

Difference a Minute Can Make

Wow, these swings are sure something.

(I won't say mood swings because it's much more than a mood.)

One moment you think you'd be lucky to have five more years.

The next moment, you're feeling like you could go on forever. (Even while looking on from the perspective of age 68.)

Seasonal rituals happening. Heading south I assume. A few stranglers following at a distance. The timing of it all fascinates me.

Hear That Voice Again

In the sub sandwich shop, waiting for my order, four guys at a table in the corner, each enjoying a bottle of beer and I hear a voice that instantly brought back memories and visuals of a co-worker/friend who passed away in the early days of covid ..... the voice this evening so eerily similar. 

I had to look twice to make sure that it wasn't my old friend.

It's been on my mind in the hour since. 

His passing at the time was a bit of a shock because you just don't expect to be touched by things until it actually hits you in the face but after a while, and a good amount of time passing by, you tend to forget ....

..... until jolted back to memory and life by the sudden tone of that familiar voice.

The title of this post, taken from a Peter Gabriel song.

Choices

At a food truck for fish & chips and was asked if I wanted cod or tilapia. Really? Is this a difficult choice for anyone? Are there people who would choose the tilapia? I would hate to discover that there is.

Merchant of B.S.

This is why I pay little attention to televised news:

And let me preface this with the fact that I'm certainly no big lover of the other side.

A CNN interview with a supporter, if not a key member of team democrat.

Asked four or five questions wanting a specific response and he said nothing.

What he did say had no relation in the least to the question that was asked.

It was like he had five prepared statements that he was going to use, no matter the question.

This is what I'm going to say to question number one .....

Then I'll follow with these b.s. words to question number two, etc .... 

I have no idea what the questions will be but here is the most generic, non-specific, vanilla thing I can say and I don't care if it has any connection in the least to the questions.

And so many interviews are like this.

Questions asked, no answers given. 

Great job CNN!! You too Fox and all others.

Why bother with insider and high-ranking team member interviews? 

They rarely say anything of substance or importance. They are bullshit specialists.

Just go to some actual news story that needs actual reporting and isn't subject to people taking sides, political speak and non-committal opinions. 

You should have cut that guy off, mid-interview, mid-sentence even and go to last nights baseball scores or live video of bears attempting to catch salmon in Alaska..

Stop wasting my time.

More This and That

From my back deck ....

I can hear the band playing tonight over at the former high school.

Friday night home game. I can still feel the excitement in the air.

Has it really been fifty years?

The team was winless my senior year but the feel of those Friday nights .... unforgettable.

I suspect that one could be lacking in hearing, speech and vision and still sense the moment.

Cut my partial head of hair tonight.

It was getting pretty scraggly in back, branching out in different directions and needing a handful of styling gel to keep it semi-under control.

My longtime friend Rosa, commented on it earlier today.

That's usually my indication that's it's past time to be shorn. 

Maybe it's the lighting in my bathroom and my eyes failing me, or maybe it's my cautiously hopeful attitude but there appears to be less gray in what was lost and what remains.

There's volumes of words and stories inside of me that I struggle daily to release.

When Peter Gabriel's album, 'i/o' was released last year, I enjoyed it but wasn't crazy about it.

Hearing the title song tonight (and others), what was I thinking? 

We waited so long for these new songs and my expectations were impossibly high.

Sometimes you just need time.

The greatness of this song is obvious tonight. 

Brief Flashback

I had remembered a smallish pension account that I tend to forget about and that I hadn't yet started, and it caused me to remember where part of that served time happened. 

Today, I wandered by the place .... the city offices that I used to frequent for 25-plus years.

Where for much of that time, I had keys and the code to get in at any hour and since I also had a fulltime job, I often showed up at weird hours where I was the only one in the building ....

.... well at least the only one on the third floor.

I wanted to feel the vibes and see if it looked different.

The concrete stairs felt the same. I used to bounce up and down those stairs ..... but not now.

The flashbacks commenced. But not for long.

The entrance looked the same other than appearing not to be an entrance any longer.

All the windows were papered over.

There were signs pointing two or three doors over.

Like no one wanted to help you. Not exactly welcoming.

It kind of looked like the services that we used to offer the community, had been totally deleted.

I'm aware that a few had been but it looks like the entire department is gone.

I didn't expect to see anyone that I knew since it's been at least seventeen years since I last set foot in there. But I saw no one at all. Is this a Sunday? A holiday? "Nooooo"  

Though it did feel like I had just left from my previous visit all those years ago.

I recall being in that office when the news of the start of Desert Storm came in and worrying that it was the beginning of the end of the world.

I read this morning that the city hall facility is going to be renovated beginning next summer to be more ready in case of earthquake ..... but it kinda appears that they are preparing to start tomorrow.

Even the atrium below looked barren and cold. 

That was always the look and vibe of the place since it' always appeared to have been carved out from a monster block of concrete but today it looked and felt much amplified.

I had cautiously wandered up there kind of expecting to be asked if I had official city business and to end up being chased away .... but there was no one around to chase me off.

It was a part of my world for a lot of years that few people ever ask me about.

I thought we did great things for the community and specifically for kids.

I genuinely felt the rewards back then.

Today I wanted to relive a little of that experience but walked away disappointed.

Nightmare #7621

A dream that some low-life sleezebag broke into my car and took various items.

The one I can recall though is they stole a vinyl record album cover .... but left the actual record.

Must have been a digital and streaming type of thief.

I think they must have been confused with how vinyl works.

The only other thing I remember is that I had parked under a bridge. 

A relief to wake up from that one and not have to make a call to my insurance company.

Perhaps I should walk outside and check my car before felling too relieved.

The Return

Came down with a nasty cold over the past weekend.

Was feeling pretty low both Saturday and Sunday.

Dragging all day at home and work.

Feeling faint.

Couldn't wait to get back to bed.

Thankful to be working with the office to myself .... to be alone in my misery.

Even thought it might be covid when I realized that I had lost my sense of smell .... and then taste.

Started feeling better Sunday night and thought I remotely detected both senses returning

But didn't truly realize the sense of smell had returned fully until I walked into the men's restroom at work Monday morning and met by a wall of recently used men's restroom odors.

YIKES!! 

I seem to have this freaky skill of coming down with bugs on weekends, holidays, birthdays and scheduled vacation days.

If only it could always be generic Mondays through Fridays.

Royal Pain

They said it was going to be simple .... easy and pain-free.

To me that means plugging in one cable without having to get on my hands and knees and contort any body parts.

No installing phone apps, scanning qr codes, locating small print serial numbers and creating new logins.

I'm of the age and general disposition where those things are giant hassles.

Had I known it was going to be a royal pain-in-the-ass, I would have told them to shove their new equipment up their ass and just let me continue my life with my lesser equipment.

I'm not noticing the difference anyway.

And they said it's free .... no increase in my bill.

You know because I'm such a good customer and they want to do something nice for me.

Well, no increase for now maybe.

We'll see what happens in six months. 

If that all holds true or they sneak a hidden increase in then.

I may be naive but I'm not that naive to blindly believe them without possessing a major amount of suspicion and skepticism.

And now to uninstall that phone app.

At least my Eggo waffles don't need s stinkin' qr code and phone app.

And while I'm bitching .....

Why do I keep getting these mailers every few weeks informing me that I can get auto insurance for $20 more a month than I'm currently paying?

And how did it get to be midnight already?

My History (Part 1)

Preface this to say, I don't know if there will be a part two or three or a few more words .....

I've made it through 68 and a half years of life, never with much of a plan.

Got married at 24, divorced a few years later and since have lived mostly day to day.

I went through my 30's and 40's waiting for a call from my ex that never came.

No real goals. Just survival. 

It seemed like everyone else around me, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc., had goals and lives.

I worked, came home, played a little basketball, listened to records afterwards .... that was my life.

Never went on exciting trips and adventures.

Never remarried or had children.

Besides my employment with one company for fifty years now, I also worked 20-25 years in youth sports programs. 

If people really have 'callings' in life, I felt like this was mine. 

It felt like I was doing something important. Like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

It felt like I was making a difference in others' lives.

I received words of thanks and had random encounters along the way with parents and kids that I had worked with as coach, teacher, mentor, helper, listener and who had now grown up .... I'd often walk away in near tears.

I eventually reached an age where I wondered if I was young enough to still be relevant.

I'd have likely continued a little longer though had it not been for budget cuts resulting in youth programs and activities being eliminated. 

I always wondered how I could ever walk away, and suddenly it was done for me.

When I was much younger, I'd worry about how I was going to survive each year financially.

One day years later, I looked around and realized .... "Hey, I made it through all those years of uncertainty. Things worked out. I'm ok. I'll continue to be ok."

I really though had no idea of anything outside of about a fifty-mile radius from my home.

At age 44, I flew for the first time to visit a friend in Louisiana. 

Ten years later, I took the train to Couer d'Alene, Idaho to visit a high school classmate. 

A month later, I flew again to visit a friend for Christmas in Tennessee.

Broke my heart to be sitting in the Houston Texas airport and listening to a phone call from my 6-year-old niece asking if I'd be coming over for Christmas.

That's my experience as a world traveler. 

I have places I want to see, mostly historical like Gettysburg or Little Big Horn or vinyl record hunting destinations but am too chicken shit to follow through.

Then one day, it was forty years later.

(Time sure did fly.)

All those lost years waiting for my ex to call and then suddenly one day she sent a message.

After our split, she had eventually moved nearly 3000 miles away but had moved back to the area.

"Could we meet?"

We met a few days later and talked for six or seven hours.

She told me that she was sorry ..... that leaving me was the biggest mistake she ever made.

We're friends now (I think).

This may or may not be, the end to this journal entry. I'm not certain even as I type, if I'm going to actually post it. So, continuing and filling in details between the lines is even more of an uncertainty.

Why does this grammar checker always want to add a comma after I start a sentence with the word, "So"? It doesn't feel right or needed to me but I follow along with the suggestion. 

I was listening to the song, 'Ordinary Joe' by Terry Callier before going off on this journey through the past. I guess I'll go listen to the Neil Young song, 'Journey Through the Past' next. 

See what music does to me?