The R Word

If I could see how the future was going to turn out and be assured that I wouldn't end up living on the streets, I'd make the move towards retirement tomorrow. Recent events at work are pushing me in that direction. Feeling fed up, dispirited and worn down by hassles and having to be a jerk and fight for resources I feel are needed to get things done. I'm losing the will to care.

Regrets

You always hear people say that they have no regrets in life. I'm not afraid to admit that I have a few.

The summer after I graduated from high school, I went to stay with my aunt and uncle for a few months, just outside Depot Bay, a small town at the Oregon coast. I had been hired for a temporary summer job to earn a little money for college ..... or for whatever came next. I  wasn't entirely sure at that point.

When not working, I spent most of my hours in the basement bedroom of their house. Depressed over a girl from high school that I had a huge crush on but who I was always too shy and terrified to attempt to speak to. Graduation had seemingly ended any hope of overcoming my fears. So I spent the hours wallowing in self pity and listening endlessly to four or five eight track tapes that I had taken with me from home.

A three minute stroll from the beach and I may have wandered there once or twice that entire summer.

I look back and realize that my aunt and uncle were probably hoping for much more of a relationship. Years before they had lost their only son, who used to watch after my siblings and I in our childhood, lost to the gunfire of the jealous estranged husband of a woman he was dating. Looking back, I think they were hoping that I could fill a very small part of that void in their world. But I was too blinded by and selfish with my own problems.

These days I badly regret my choice to be a hermit that summer.

That girl from high school that I had a crush on? Many years later, I got to know her and spend a few days at Thanksgiving with her in Idaho, where she had eventually moved to. I haven't spoke to her much lately but we are still friends. (I think.)

EDIT ..... It's a little eerie .... Just an hour or two after I typed these words, she (my old high school crush) posted a photo on facebook that I loved and commented on. She replied, asking: "How are you my old friend?" It sometimes seems like yesterday, those days when I was terrified to speak to her.

Penmenship Blues

No matter how hard I try, I just can't succeed at making out a handwritten list of names or items and having the final result look attractive. My hand gets moving too fast for it's own good and I end up with too many errors ….. numerous incomplete, sloppy and jumbled together letters. Even when I make a determined conscious effort to slow down, my hand and brain can't handle the relaxed pace and speed the process up without my approval. Like they NEED to get to the end quicker.

Baseball Days & Daze

Looking at the box score for last nights MLB all-star game …. (I haven't watched the all-star game for years) …. and there's at least ten names where I have no idea what team they are with and two or three names that I've never heard of. And besides maybe Mike Trout, not a single name that screams out, future, no doubt, instant hall-of-famer.

Things sure have changed from the days where I could recite the starting lineups and 4/5ths of the roster for most of the American League teams plus the San Francisco Giants. Not sure if it's a lessening interest or declining memory capacity?

Weekend Notes

• Felt extreme giddiness the other day when Rosanne Cash replied with two emoji's to my tweet to her regarding her making of potato salad.
• I changed my profile photo on Twitter and it seems that two people who I've been chatting with for months suddenly are confused of my identity.
• The number one aggravation in my life right now? .... People being behind me on the road. I have my set pace .... slow .... and I don't like being pressured to go faster.
• Still waiting for someone to card me when I claim 'senior' status.
• I'm amazed at moments where the sun is trying to find it's way through the clouds!!
• I read about a report that claims that 25% of people plan to never retire. Sometimes I fear that I'll end up being one of those persons.
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Another Retirement

Another longtime co-worker retired the other day. I struggled with saying goodbye because I hate goodbyes and walking away from people. But I knew I eventually had to make the effort. We've worked together for forty years. More or less grew up in the place. When I went to say goodbye I was told that I missed her, that she went home early. I literally felt sick after hearing that.

I should be happy for those lucky ones but each of these retirements of longtime friends that I've formed connections with hurts me. I feel like I'm a little more alone in the world. A step closer to the end of days.

I have no idea how I'm going to decide when it's time for me to go and how I'm going to follow through on it. It may have to be pointed out to me. I don't want to think too much about it. Thinking about it causes the emotions inside to rage.

Persistance

Little older guy in the record store searching for over an hour through crates of 45's until he finally found his objective and treasure ….. 'My Sharona' by The Knack. 

For his dogged efforts the record was given to him ….. No charge! You have to admire that level of stick-to-it-iveness!!

It occurred to me that quite possibly this is me in ten years. Or maybe right now and I just don't recognize it.