Time and transitions. One co-worker suddenly passes away a few days ago .... Another retires yesterday. There's not many of us long timers remaining. Those of us that started out as teenagers in the mid-1970's and have been around since. It's a strange feeling the past five or ten years watching the list shrink. We (At least I) could never visualize this time back then. We just wanted to get through each days shift. We thought that we could go on being young forever. Many of us thought eventually we'd move on elsewhere. That we were just there for a "season" or two. Forty-plus years later was absolutely incomprehensible. But now in so many ways it seems like yesterday. I find that concept to be fascinating.
_________________________
Wasn't it once said and noted in ink somewhere important that we are all unique?
There's a lady at the grocery store and a lady at work who could be twins …. both in observed mannerisms and the sound of their voices. To the best of my knowledge they are unrelated and not aware of the other's presence in the world. I can't hear one's voice without thinking of the other. It's my well considered opinion, though I've yet to run this by any legal experts, that whoever is younger ought to be paying royalties for using the older persons personality.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Tuesday, September 25, 2018
Rotation Time
Back to my roots at work …. graveyard shift. My initial reaction? ….. I'm too old for this (shit). There is a benefit or two. It does have a built in day off while I change from day shift to graveyard …. Saturday morning to Sunday night ….. without losing a dime in pay. And no more waking up at 5:30am …. unless it's from the chair in my office.
When I was young and had my studliness about me, I chose to work these hours. So I could do all the other stuff I had going on. Second job, summer and autumn softball, winter basketball, etc. Now days though it feels like a demotion. It's ok for a few days or a week but then it gets old. I think (and plan) of all the activities that I'd love to do during the day, but I generally end up sleeping through it all.
When I was young and had my studliness about me, I chose to work these hours. So I could do all the other stuff I had going on. Second job, summer and autumn softball, winter basketball, etc. Now days though it feels like a demotion. It's ok for a few days or a week but then it gets old. I think (and plan) of all the activities that I'd love to do during the day, but I generally end up sleeping through it all.
Recycling Angst
Potential rage simmering at the bottle recycling facility yesterday. Accepted procedures being ignored by a lady cutting in front of a line of people waiting to access the next available machine. No one wanted to be the bad guy and say something to her but when karma struck and her machine stopped mid-count and then she tried to again skip in front of everyone waiting for the next machine about to open up ….. well you could sense the brewing anger in the air. One guy finally spoke for everyone. The look on her face was that of total oblivion …… Like she was saying: "Oh you have rules and etiquette here? It's not the most rude go first?"
Saturday, September 22, 2018
Beginning Of The Weekend Notes
It's past midnight on Friday night so it qualifies as the weekend right?
- The battle between the good and evil voices in my head goes on. A person is walking a good distance behind me. The gray area between close and not close. Even bordering on far-away. I don't want to wait the few extra seconds and hold the door but then the old Catholic school guilt thing kicks in. This moment might be the difference between going to heaven or hell. So I do the honorable and gentlemanly thing.
- Damn co-workers who have worked for me for the past four weeks almost had me in tears with their thank you's and goodbyes. (It's shift rotation time.)
- Driving down River Road this afternoon and couldn't help but think of Greg Koenig (who passed away last week) and how he had probably driven down that road countless times when we were teenagers. With some people it's just difficult to accept that they are gone.
- I think a lot lately about this whole cycle of life thing. Things I see in my mind that I just can't find words to express. People remembered as teenagers and we all eventually went separate ways and in what now seems like a instant later, have returned in visual memories after passing away. And I find it all both sad and amazing. And I wish I had known them better.
- Why is "i before e except after c ...." a rule when it has so many exceptions?
Thursday, September 20, 2018
Workday Ritual
The two times when I least want to be at work:
- The hour before I leave home prior my shift when the bite and venom from the don't-want-to-go-to-work spider is the most potent.
- The last hour of the shift when I've had enough for the day and can't wait to get the hell outta there and start watching the clock while passing time slows down to a crawl.
Other than that, I generally don't mind being there. (Yes really!) Just give me a few minutes upon arrival to adjust to the reality of being there and I'm usually fine ….. until that final hour anyway.
I do have to admit though, if we're being honest here and all, that the period of adjustment when I first arrive …. that half hour or so, is not the ideal time to approach me with nonsense like "good morning," or "how are you?" …. and other forms of happiness and positivity.
Questions
Just my attempt to make sense of something that often times makes no sense at all. .... With a couple people that I knew and who were my age passing away in the past week and a half I'm asking myself quite often: Why them and not me? Why are some taken early while others live on?
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
R.I.P. Frank
Frank Miles passed away last night. From what I hear, while getting ready to come to work, he just collapsed and they were unable to revive him.
It's been a strange feeling all day. I never really got along all that great with him. Never really thought of him as a friend. We disagreed and argued more than anything else and he treated a lot of people poorly but after all that, he was still a person trying to get through each day of life and someone I worked with for approximately forty years. Someone I saw most days out of the year. Especially the last ten years. Someone that I will expect to see tomorrow and for awhile into the future but he won't be there anymore. That physical fact just seems difficult to accept.
I heard a story a couple months ago about his childhood and how he was treated by classmates in school and felt badly for him. I found myself trying to understand how it affected him. (Even more so today.) Maybe that treatment had a role in how his adult world turned out. I think that people generally try to do the best they can in life with what they know and with what are equipped with to deal with situations. What you see on the surface with people often has many contributing factors and influences from years earlier. In the end, Frank was just another person trying to get by.
His life at work and away from work always seemed full of chaos, conflict and worries. I used to think that he needlessly brought so much of it on himself. Why did he have to be that way? Hopefully he can rest easily now.
I know that I'm not making this sound like much of a tribute. But I have been thinking about him all day and trying to understand.
I keep going back to a thought I somewhat struggle with. When each of us is born, we are all born with a final day assigned to us somewhere in our future. With invisible "lines" drawn to that final day. Then I visualize a "you are here" marker on each of our lines. Why are the lengths on each line so different? How are they determined? Why did a couple people I knew who passed away in the last few days ..... why did their lines end where they did while mine is extended ..... well extended for a few more seconds or another day anyway? Or maybe thirty more years? There are many varied influences that help determine the length of the "lines" but none with total accuracy and certainty for each person. Some people end up totally going against all factors and odds. These "lines" are my way of looking at and making sense of life and death.
Somewhere in all these individual lines of life, I try to work my idea of God into it and my struggle with if God exists or not. And my hopes to figure it all out someday before my line of life ends.
It's been a strange feeling all day. I never really got along all that great with him. Never really thought of him as a friend. We disagreed and argued more than anything else and he treated a lot of people poorly but after all that, he was still a person trying to get through each day of life and someone I worked with for approximately forty years. Someone I saw most days out of the year. Especially the last ten years. Someone that I will expect to see tomorrow and for awhile into the future but he won't be there anymore. That physical fact just seems difficult to accept.
I heard a story a couple months ago about his childhood and how he was treated by classmates in school and felt badly for him. I found myself trying to understand how it affected him. (Even more so today.) Maybe that treatment had a role in how his adult world turned out. I think that people generally try to do the best they can in life with what they know and with what are equipped with to deal with situations. What you see on the surface with people often has many contributing factors and influences from years earlier. In the end, Frank was just another person trying to get by.
His life at work and away from work always seemed full of chaos, conflict and worries. I used to think that he needlessly brought so much of it on himself. Why did he have to be that way? Hopefully he can rest easily now.
I know that I'm not making this sound like much of a tribute. But I have been thinking about him all day and trying to understand.
I keep going back to a thought I somewhat struggle with. When each of us is born, we are all born with a final day assigned to us somewhere in our future. With invisible "lines" drawn to that final day. Then I visualize a "you are here" marker on each of our lines. Why are the lengths on each line so different? How are they determined? Why did a couple people I knew who passed away in the last few days ..... why did their lines end where they did while mine is extended ..... well extended for a few more seconds or another day anyway? Or maybe thirty more years? There are many varied influences that help determine the length of the "lines" but none with total accuracy and certainty for each person. Some people end up totally going against all factors and odds. These "lines" are my way of looking at and making sense of life and death.
Somewhere in all these individual lines of life, I try to work my idea of God into it and my struggle with if God exists or not. And my hopes to figure it all out someday before my line of life ends.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
Untitled
One thing that keeps me going in my quest to never die is the posts I see on Facebook when people do pass away. I never want to be the object of all those same day and one or two day old postings of condolences and memories. That thought seemingly frightens me more than the actual act of dying. A year or two later is fine but same day? ….. Nope! That kind of haunts me for some odd reason that I can't explain. It feels eerie freaky. No offense or ill will towards anyone but of everyone that I know, I want to be the last one standing.
Weekend's End
End of the weekend and I have to return to work in the morning. I hate it when that happens!!!
Not only that but I have two doctor appointments after work. I really hate it when that happens!!! Though it's probably the first time it's happened for me. For one of the doctors, last week the nurse's parting words were: "Your next appointment might be the last time we see you." She meant that in referring to the sore on my calf nearly being healed. (I hope.) That was mentioned a time or two by the doctor himself. So as much as I don't want to go in, I'm really hoping to exchange thanks and goodbyes with every one who has helped me for the past three months.
That being said, the weekend went by entirely too fast. Time away from work always passes by too quickly. I ought to just stay at work and never go home. It might extend my lifetime …. at least my perception of time passing by and such.
A few days ago I was on a deck (about twenty feet off the ground) at work attempting with others to unplug a cob corn jam. Stepping off of a stand, I stepped on some cobs on the deck and stumbled around trying to keep from falling before finally regaining my footing. Conchita told me later that she saw it all unfold from down below on the ground and had her arms extended to catch me. I laughed at the visual. That would have been one heck of a catch. My 250 pounds could work up a little momentum in a fall from that height. Not that it really came close to happening.
Not only that but I have two doctor appointments after work. I really hate it when that happens!!! Though it's probably the first time it's happened for me. For one of the doctors, last week the nurse's parting words were: "Your next appointment might be the last time we see you." She meant that in referring to the sore on my calf nearly being healed. (I hope.) That was mentioned a time or two by the doctor himself. So as much as I don't want to go in, I'm really hoping to exchange thanks and goodbyes with every one who has helped me for the past three months.
That being said, the weekend went by entirely too fast. Time away from work always passes by too quickly. I ought to just stay at work and never go home. It might extend my lifetime …. at least my perception of time passing by and such.
A few days ago I was on a deck (about twenty feet off the ground) at work attempting with others to unplug a cob corn jam. Stepping off of a stand, I stepped on some cobs on the deck and stumbled around trying to keep from falling before finally regaining my footing. Conchita told me later that she saw it all unfold from down below on the ground and had her arms extended to catch me. I laughed at the visual. That would have been one heck of a catch. My 250 pounds could work up a little momentum in a fall from that height. Not that it really came close to happening.
Day Off
This working every day in the summer, while good for the wallet, messes me up in other ways. Like having a life. I get an actual two day weekend away from work and literally don't know what to do. I went in this morning, just in case graveyard shift last night spilled over into day shift this morning. (It didn't.) So I exited before anyone could tell me to stay and headed back home. I debated several options all morning but couldn't make a decision or find the energy. (Hopefully I'll have an overdose of energy on Sunday). A nap and a televised Yankee baseball game (with more naps) suddenly become late afternoon and I eventually go to the record store. I know I'm always welcome there.
Downtown and walking to the record store, a security guard standing in front of a theater entrance gives me the evil eye as I walked by. I don't know why he was eyeing and measuring me up. I had no intention of going inside that place. I nodded hello but he just kept up the looks of suspicion of ill intents. I thought: "What's your problem freak?" Maybe I should start a disturbance to give him some fun in his world? He looked like he'd welcome it.
It's that gray area right now between Summer and Autumn. It sure doesn't feel like the scorching pits of Summer but it's definitely not Autumn yet. There's strong hints present like alternating periods of rain showers and sun ..... and leafs falling on my car but I just don't fully feel Autumn in the air yet. I worry that it might be False Autumn with another week of hot days lurking though I've seen no mention of that in the extended weather forecasts.
Downtown and walking to the record store, a security guard standing in front of a theater entrance gives me the evil eye as I walked by. I don't know why he was eyeing and measuring me up. I had no intention of going inside that place. I nodded hello but he just kept up the looks of suspicion of ill intents. I thought: "What's your problem freak?" Maybe I should start a disturbance to give him some fun in his world? He looked like he'd welcome it.
It's that gray area right now between Summer and Autumn. It sure doesn't feel like the scorching pits of Summer but it's definitely not Autumn yet. There's strong hints present like alternating periods of rain showers and sun ..... and leafs falling on my car but I just don't fully feel Autumn in the air yet. I worry that it might be False Autumn with another week of hot days lurking though I've seen no mention of that in the extended weather forecasts.
Friday, September 14, 2018
Additional Notes
- A co-worker asked me what I do for fun. I couldn't think of much that would be considered to be fun by anyone else.
- Fun for me these days ...... Photography, record collecting, shooting baskets, walks in the park, reading poetry and history, watching old movies .... and new this year: Sleeping through Yankee baseball games. Sleep being the fun part.
- I'm in a parking slump. I'm not talking parallel parking (which I refuse to attempt if there's a car in the space in front of or behind me) but with every day, run-of-the-mill, head-in parking. I have issues getting centered in a lined space. I'm blaming it on my dashboard which seems a little higher to my eye level than in every other car I've ever driven causing me to lose all sense and feel for the space around me.
- Lupe .... She says that she understands my form of English but every time I ask her to do something at work, it's a confused stare and: "Whaaaaaat?"
- Having to use channel locks to open maybe every fourth bottle of Pepsi …. Sign of aging or increased anti-tampering measures and product security?
- I can't recall any details now but do remember waking up this morning from a very intense dream. Thankful that my windows were closed, I fear I may have been shouting in the dream.
What Scares Me
What scares me above all else these days? Besides dying? Being out and about in automobile traffic. I've become very wary of just about everything and everybody on or in close proximity to/of the road. Cars in the adjacent lane, kids on the sidewalk, teenagers on skateboards, trucks waiting to turn, oncoming traffic, tailgaters …. EVERYTHING!!! It's causing a definite increase in the usage of frowned upon language on my part. It's trending towards just saying no to everyday errands and staying home.
Wednesday, September 12, 2018
More Notes
- I never did learn to type without watching my fingers. i REALLY HATE IT WHEN i TYPE OUT A LONG SENTENCE OR THOUGHT ONLY TO DISCOVER THAT i HAD THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON. Or even a short sentence.
- I love the changes in the air. The all day alternating periods of rain showers and sun. Not to be confused with the despised and depressing day long total gray sky's and steady unrelenting rain.
- I stand out from the masses when walking in the park. I'm the one person who's NOT totally lost gazing into a cell phone. You see that guy and it's likely me!!!
- For the past three months I've been visiting the wound clinic for a sore on my calf that wasn't getting better. Yesterday I heard the words that I've been dying to hear. The words that my insurance has been paying to hear …. "It's almost healed."
R.I.P. Greg
Truly shocking news tonight …..
According to Facebook, a friend from high school has passed away. And so suddenly it seems. He had just replied in one way or another to several of my recent posts.
Rest in Peace Greg. I'm seeing your face and hearing your voice tonight as I remember it forty-four years ago. You had such a large presence and sense of humor back in school days and it appears that you enjoyed every day of your life and obvious that many people enjoyed and appreciated your involvement in theirs.
When someone has a personality as large as Greg's, it's difficult to comprehend that the person is gone. I keep asking the sky: "How could this be true? It must be a mistake. He's the same age as I am. If I'm still around, shouldn't he be as well?"
According to Facebook, a friend from high school has passed away. And so suddenly it seems. He had just replied in one way or another to several of my recent posts.
Rest in Peace Greg. I'm seeing your face and hearing your voice tonight as I remember it forty-four years ago. You had such a large presence and sense of humor back in school days and it appears that you enjoyed every day of your life and obvious that many people enjoyed and appreciated your involvement in theirs.
When someone has a personality as large as Greg's, it's difficult to comprehend that the person is gone. I keep asking the sky: "How could this be true? It must be a mistake. He's the same age as I am. If I'm still around, shouldn't he be as well?"
Monday, September 10, 2018
Quick Notes
- Why is it that the same people who would say that kneeling is a sign of reverence when praying consider it as disrespect for the flag?
- The first signs in the air of Autumn is always a welcome arrival!!!
- Is it bad to prefer reading male poets? And poets who are not obviously homosexual? That doesn't make me a hater does it?
- Major League Baseball is becoming more difficult to watch. Seems like each at bat these days is either home run or strikeout.
- When I die, I'm hoping someone with coolness and knowledge says: "Wow!" Dude had a cool record collection."
Saturday, September 8, 2018
(Don't) Cover This
So I'm in the downtown record store on a Saturday evening and the song being played on the stores sound system is a cover of an incredibly recognizable song .... Except for the fact that I can't seem to recall the title or the original performer. But other than that it's immediately recognizable .... And it's on the edge of my memory. And I'm pretty sure that I'd recognize the original because that performer must be slightly more well known than this cover artist. And the song's about to end when it hits me (like a brick) ..... Bob Dylan .... Changing of the Guards!!
And after researching I'm pretty sure that the cover artist was Patti Smith. Not exactly an unknown in the music world.
Also today, another case of just when I think there's no one remaining to discover because after sixty-two years of listening and collecting, it's not possible that there's someone I haven't heard of is there? ….. I stumble across a recording being played on the radio of this guy named Joe Pug. And people say that radio doesn't matter anymore.
And after researching I'm pretty sure that the cover artist was Patti Smith. Not exactly an unknown in the music world.
Also today, another case of just when I think there's no one remaining to discover because after sixty-two years of listening and collecting, it's not possible that there's someone I haven't heard of is there? ….. I stumble across a recording being played on the radio of this guy named Joe Pug. And people say that radio doesn't matter anymore.
Friday, September 7, 2018
Bummer
Friday afternoon and I'm feeling about 98% committed to believing the wild morning rumor of having the weekend off from work ..... Only to discover that there's been a drastic global shift in the balance of everything known in the universe and as a result we are now likely working all weekend.
No matter how true anything appears to be you always need to hold in reserve a small percentage of doubt for bummer moments like this. So it's not a total, jump off the roof moment when things don't work out quite as you had hoped for.
My attitude has become one of watching each day pass and realizing that I'm one day closer to using up a big chunk of vacation time that remains unused ..... Which I've probably mentioned here at least a dozen times previously.
It's a nice warm and fuzzy feeling ..... Having all your bills paid up for the moment, being caught up and in control of your prescription medication situation and knowing that you have vacation time to use.
No matter how true anything appears to be you always need to hold in reserve a small percentage of doubt for bummer moments like this. So it's not a total, jump off the roof moment when things don't work out quite as you had hoped for.
My attitude has become one of watching each day pass and realizing that I'm one day closer to using up a big chunk of vacation time that remains unused ..... Which I've probably mentioned here at least a dozen times previously.
It's a nice warm and fuzzy feeling ..... Having all your bills paid up for the moment, being caught up and in control of your prescription medication situation and knowing that you have vacation time to use.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Closing Up
I read that one of my favorite record stores (Everyday Music in Beaverton) is closing. I hope this is not a reversal of the last few years and resumption of a previously halted downward trend. Already been through that once. It felt like watching helplessly while my world was slowly vanishing. It was great to be alive for and experience the years where the record store was a huge deal and a cultural gathering place.
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