Strange Condition

Talking the other day with a co-worker who was telling me that his doctor had just informed hm that his heart was in bad shape and that he was going to have surgery soon. He laughed as he volunteered all this personal information like he was either totally unaware of its seriousness or as if he just didn't care about living another year ..... or even another day. But then that's typical of him. He's oblivious to everything around him. His life is reacting to whatever is directly in front of him at a given moment. Little thought towards results or consequences goes into his job performance and it likely extends to his health and home life as well. How does a person go through life in that manner? No real concerns, interests or hobbies. Just taking up space.

Notes and Musings

A dream about a lady that I've known for almost thirty years now and who I've always wanted to be closer to. The presence in the dream was nice, but not enough. She's been on my mind all day. And old feelings that I've never really forgotten. It's funny how for awhile anyway, I felt like I was thirty years old again. The emotions were quite powerful at one time which resulted in a decision to back away instead of risking being hurt.

It's funny how the physical aches and pains that earlier in the week had me worried if I was going to live to see my next birthday, now have vanished and has me feeling that I can live forever. I state that with a huge degree of humilty knowing it can all change tomorrow. Is that what the senior years are going to be like .... alternating between varying shades of despair and optimism?

I could "hear" what the lady behind the cash register was thinking. It was obvious in her hesitation and she was afraid to ask. ..... "Senior" I said with a smile. Suddenly she appeared at ease. And I received my discount.

I think it so funny, in a head shaking in dis-belief sort of way, .... that being the Trump lovers telling people who voted for someone else, to get over it and accept his victory when all they did every day for the past eight years was oppose, ridicule, bitch, moan and complain about everything Obama tried to do. And they were on automatic while in this process. Very little consideration and thought went into a single position. If Obama was for it, they were against it. And to be fair, before Obama, it was the same with Bush, Clinton, etc., ......  just opposing sides exchanging tactics.

Why I Am The Way I Am???

This is very difficult for me to write about and accurately express what I'm trying to say.

Thinking back over the years. Recalling events in my life that shaped what I would become in my later years. I have to think that there was some major influences back then on my personality now. On the reason why I tend to pull away from people now. On why I've given up on seeking companionship. Why I don't want to risk a stable and quiet life that I've seemingly settled into for possible emotional chaos.

Sometimes I want to explain to people who don't understand me and who don't seem to want to accept me as I am ..... but so many are narrow minded. Or they lack the ability to understand. Instead I often choose to just move by them. I avoid attempts at justifying my ways. Hell I don't really know why I tend to be grouchy in the morning. Or why I don't express much emotion. I wasn't always that way. But it's what I've evolved into. And there's been hundreds of little events over sixty years that have contributed to the process.

Do I like the end result? Not always. Not even often. But that's what it is. I don't believe one can change the factors and results.

What is starting to bother me just a bit is how my life history has influenced my dream world. I think there's too much conflict in my dream world. Conflict with friends and family. Conflict that often goes well beyond the reality. It becomes tiring awakening from those dreams.

Sad Day For A Longtime Charger's Fan

Please tell me it's not true!!! The Chargers moving to Los Angeles? Supposedly becoming official tomorrow. Shocker for me. Though I guess that's where they actually started out for a season (or two?) in the old AFL. But it's always been San Diego since I've known them. And that goes back to the 1960's Lance Alworth, John Hadl, Paul Lowe, Speedy Duncan and Keith Lincoln days. It'll most likely be a tough transition in my mind. I'll always think, "San Diego." Los Angeles feels like a sin.

This is like if the Trail Blazers moved to Seattle!!

Is there still time for a miracle? A change of heart by their owner? One can have hope. Maybe this is just one of my weirdo dreams?

I've NEVER pulled for a Los Angeles team. Unless (upon second thought) it was just maybe Bill Walton's UCLA college basketball team in the NCAA championship game against Memphis State. That was 1973 I think.

Just A Feeling

I really hate it when I walk into a book store and I suddenly get the feeling (probably a false feeling), that the book nerds working there are sharing a good chuckle at my expense. Is there anything worse then being the subject of book geek humor?

Pet Peeves Specific For These Days and Times

One of my pet peeves, updated for this current decade, is people who post photos online taken with their phone that are totally lacking in focus. Why even bother with sharing your incredibly blurry generic image? You're attempting to show how snowy it is and it looks like either a whiteout in progress or you were drunk when pointing the camera and unable to hold your hand still. It's obvious you have no interest in quality .... or in exploring the potential of art in your image. Well unless you're going for the abstract. Shouldn't you be hitting delete upon your initial viewing? Yet you post it online ..... then someone else claims to "like" it?

I just don't understand!! What goes through these peoples minds? I may be a wannabe perfectionist but I don't think it's asking too much for you to keep trying until you can share one or two clear images. And if you still must share your crappy image, can't you at least make it viewable only to your equally small minded friends? .... To those with a known history of "liking" your work.

I hope you are feeling secure in the fact that there's absoluetly no chance in any lifetime of my "sharing" your image on my own social media. Or in my attempting to profit from it in any way.

Stuck Inside of Home With The Winter Weather Event Blues Again

It's supposed to be a weekend of snow (3-5" they say), freezing rain, ice and rain. It's snowing as I type. Looks like I'll be barricaded inside at least until the rain melts away any ice. You can deal with snow, cold, wind and rain but I don't want to test the ice.

What the ice does provide though is a heavy dose of movies, music, books and televised hoops.

Listening to Bob Dylan's, "Stuck Inside of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again."

Hoopwise ..... Watching Oregon State get blown out by Washington, who isn't all that great of a team this season either. OSU just doesn't have the bodies right now to compete. Too many injuries, a individual suspension for most of this current season and two unexpected player departures prior to the start of the season. They've ended up playing a couple guys who are in over their heads at the Division One level.
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Getting on to late afternoon now and there's news reports of accidents all over. Why do people go out in this stuff? Just stay home!! Watch a movie. The conditions have been predicted for several days now. There was plenty of time to make plans, adjust schedules, etc..... There should be very few reasons that someone needs to be out on the roads. Why take the risks to yourself and others? Life can be put on hold for a day.

Was intending to venture outdoors for a few minutes armed with my camera but after a few movies and a unintentional but well needed nap, it's dark again.

Feeling of Fear

I was watching a few minutes of the movie, Titanic tonight ..... I don't know why because I don't think it's that great of a film and I've always hated its theme song but it happened to be on television and it was at the part where the ship was going down ....  suddenly I had this very personal fear of death wash over me and had to quickly change the channel in order to shake the feeling off. I suppose it had something to do with imagining what it must have been like for all those people who lost their lives and their realizing that their end was near. I couldn't help thinking about the time I have remaining and the odds of making at least twenty more years and how quickly the last twenty years have passed by. I'd never felt cold fear like what I experienced for about fifteen seconds tonight.

2017!!

So I made it through another year!! I always wonder at the start of each new year if I'll still be around at the end of those 365 days? You see so many people along the way who should but who don't. So once again, I am feeling grateful .... and amazed!! And since it happens to fall on the weekend, confused as hell as to what day of the week it is.

If I could tell a young person one thing it might be to appreciate and enjoy your time now. That one day you'll look back and realize how quickly sixty-one years passes by. Find a way to get through the tough moments without dwelling on them too much. Or else you lose too much of your own life to the haze.

If I were to make a resolution, the thing that comes to mind is eating less. And to stop wasting money on food that doesn't get eaten. To buy smaller portions of things when planning to prepare a meal. For example .... I have this bad habit of preparing a meal in the crock pot, enjoying the initial meal and also the followup first helping of leftovers. But after that, I'm often craving something different and often there's still plenty leftover that never gets eaten. So that's my early resolution!!