My Mind Works In Strange Ways

This is one of the reasons that I suddenly want to retire ...... Woke up at 4:30am this morning and started thinking about what-ifs. Even despite being told the day before that I didn't need to worry about going in. I re-read the production note searching for answers that it failed to provide. Just gray and fuzzy areas. So instead of going back to sleep, I mulled it over for two hours and ended up driving out there just to silence the voices in my head.

I strolled in the door and heads turned. I could sense people thinking: "What the hell are you doing here?" It was no more than two or three minutes after arrival that I was back in my car driving home, cursing my needless worrying.

There's thirty more minutes off my life.

And I fear that whenever I do retire, I'll still be haunted by those what-ifs. Like I should go double and triple check the paperwork in case I forgot to dot a crucial letter, i, voiding my retirement.

Spoken Words

Wandered into a poetry reading tonight at the downtown bookstore. The first where I intentionally stopped and listened for the duration. It definitely won't be my last. A local doctor who writes more than prescriptions. There was maybe fifteen people there in the audience but a wide range of ages represented. I very much enjoyed the time, captured by the authors spoken delivery of his written words. It helps with feeling the intent behind the words.

It also helped me realize that not everything has to make sense to me. It's his story, his thoughts. He used the words that meant something to him. He doesn't have to explain it and I don't need to understand every useage and combination of words. I can still form a visual of what I'm hearing without understanding its origin.

After the reading, people in the audience stood up and read their own works. Now that would be sheer terror. But with time, I'm hoping to downgrade that reaction.

New Season

I'm now two-for-two in this young season. In chronilogical order: Get excited beforehand about the Blazers game. Take care of pregame routines, chores, meals, etc.. It's gametime!! Sit down in my favorite chair. Sleep through 95% of the game. Go online and read about what I missed.

Seemingly setting the tone for a good chance at a perfect season.

These games are one of the few things keeping me from dropping my current cable tv service or provider. So if I'm going to snooze through all the games, I might as well save some money and end the relationship.

Kicking Myself Again

Sometimes I could kick myself!! The pretty girl working in the bookstore with multiple piercings and tatoos asked me if my name was Michael. "I thought so" she said. "I'm finally getting to know people's names." Like I usually do in those situations, I stood there surprised and speechless with a shy smile. I never seem to know how to react until after the moment has passed. I could have asked her name or expressed how flattered that I was but Nooooooo ..... I was purchasing a couple books of poems at the time. I could have asked if she was a fan of the genre but Noooooo ....

A chance to possibly make a friend and again I blew it.

I've seen her in the store before and just assumed that she saw me as some goofy old geezer.

Like they say, one should never assume. I'm having issues with that lesson though.

I must have been showing my feelings about being recognized and remembered though because a minute or two later, outside on the sidewalk, a passerby smiled and said hello. I must have been displaying a semi-approachable front instead of my usual stone faced killer look.

B Movie Time Again

Added to my really incredibly bad, 1950's, black and white, sci-fi/horror movies viewing. One of my favorite genres since I was a teenager. "The Killer Shrews." Starring James Best who would years later go on to fame as Roscoe P. Coltrane.

I even recorded it to disc .... you know just in case friends want to come over and watch it. Or if I'm in the mood at 2:00am some future freaky random Saturday night ..... which happens to be its proper time slot. What I mean to say is, if it was good enough for Turner Classics Movie channel .......

It matters not to me what others might think. I think these types of films are classics!! Bad, inane, mind numbing dialogue, bad laughable acting, really bad plot, but great fun. Reminding me of staying up late on the weekends, with a dozen Dunkin' Donuts and maybe a friend or two. Shooting baskets in the driveway, playing pool in the garage and laughing over some bad television. My kind of party life back then.

My parents must have thought this behavior abnormal. Yet they allowed it. Better in their minds I suppose than joy riding in dad's truck and running it into a tree at odd hours. Which my brother once did .... well except that it wasn't dad's truck, it was my car. But I'm straying off topic now. Funny the things a bad movie will cause you to remember.

You Just Never Know!

Heard that an old friend from my youth has retired for health reasons. Of all the people in my crowd of friends you would have thought him the least likely to experience health issues at age sixty that would force a lifestyle change. I don't think he gained an ounce of weight since age eighteen. He worked as a nurse. The last time I saw him (five years ago) he was riding a bike around town. He displayed no (or very few) signs of getting older. If you placed his student ID photo from college alongside a photo at age 55, you might have to look twice to determine which was which. Everything seemingly lined up towards him as being healthy into infinity and beyond. Then a year or two ago there was the shocking news that he had suffered a heart attack.

You just never know!!

Seasonal Transition Blues

This has not been the type of Autumn that I love so much. Way too much rain. No beautiful evenings where you can feel subtle hints at the transition between the seasons. Instead there's been major punches to the gut and face, loudly announcing the changeover from Summer. Few and far between have been the moments to enjoy a walk among the changing colors.

It's been like one fell asleep on September 15th and awoke on December 1st.

A shock to my biological clock!! The glass covering has been shattered!!

The Storm of the Decade ..... Errrrr, Make That the Week

They predicted a couple of days of big storms, particularly day two, which they warned of potential for major mess and to stock up on drinking water and batteries because there likely would be major power outages and while it was certainly windy and wet, it didn't approach the scare we were told to prepare for. We got all excited for a certain degree of calamity and chaos and got something less.

That's not to mock mother nature too much though ..... indeed there was an F2 tornado over at the coast that did some building damage and caused power outages in places. Just not the seemingly widespread borderline end-of-the-world scenario that was feared. When it was all over there was a feeling of: We got all worked up for this? And beforehand, there never was an impending sense of doom that's been sensed a time or two previously.

So I survived the big blow and accompanying downpour of 10-15-16 without employing candles, flashlights, canned goods, chainsaws, blankets, etc..

I didn't even get to go home early from work.

Thoughts This Morning

Woke up this morning and first thought was (well maybe actually my second thought after the initial, "I'm freezing ...."): "Hey maybe there's some good college football on TV."

Then I realized it was only Thursday.

It could at least have the decency to be Friday.

That's what these six and seven day work weeks do to a person. You're never quite sure what day it is. Or even what hour it is. Time spins by so fast. One day it's Memorial day, then suddenly, it's mid-October. You feel like you're about to turn sixty-one before you ever got around to experiencing sixty.

I want to retire at 62. Like several other people I know. But I'm concerned that I won't be able to afford it. Maybe I should stick around until I qualify for the maximum benefits? But then there's the possibility that I might not survive that long.

I've always had issues with walking away from things that I made commitments to. And I'd say that forty-one years qualifies as a commitment. But I'm suddenly feeling beyond all that. It's like I woke up one day and my emotional or sentimental attachment had vanished. I'm ready to go.

I want to think to myself, Here's this activity I want to do today and I have this huge window of time to do it in. Instead of the current, I have to hustle and do it right now or not at all. And not-at-all is the choice that's often played out.

Mostly I just want life to slow down.

Big wind and rain storms coming in the next few days. I'm excited. With that often comes photo ops!

Matters of the Mind

It's funny how some days you just don't feel so well and you end up convincing yourself that you're dying and the more you fret over that thought, you eventually decide that you most likely have some form of incurable, late stage cancer.

..... Then a few hours later or maybe the next day, you're back to feeling fine and all is well again in your world. False alarm. You're not dying after all!! At least not today or tomorrow.

..... And despite supposed increased intellect, this process becomes more frequent with age. 

Pet Peeve Update

My latest pet peeve? ..... People at work who continue to make mistakes due to a lack of focus or just plain not paying attention to details and who never apologize or learn from their mistakes and who apparently have no regard for how their mistakes cause more work for others (not just myself) who are already at their limits of what they can do in a day.

I can understand and deal with occasional mistakes by anyone in a fast paced, crazy situation like we have, but when they just keep repeating the same mistakes daily and seem to make no effort at improving their job performance .... that's a little more difficult to just smile and say, "That's ok, no problem. I'll take care of it." And then when the person expresses no remorse? well it becomes a little more difficult to mask your displeasure with each new occurance.

Book Bonanza

Been hoping to stumble across this book since first taking note of it's existence a year or two ago and today .... There it was!!! On the shelf in the downtown used book store. I was preparing to depart and decided to change direction and take a glance at the music section. Had I waited another day, another geek might have found it. The ultimate coffee table book!! Though I may have to find a special display case. Heaven for a record collecting fool such as I. Photos and interviews with other geeks, all much more advanced in their obsession for vinyl than myself. I'll be taking in and savoring every page. There may also be some drooling and envy involved.

The full title: Dust & Grooves - Adventures In Record Collecting. 436 pages!!

The Angela Dream

Sure didn't want to wake up from that one ..... A dream where I was close with Angela!! Walking together, holding hands, sharing thoughts! Seemed like only a few seconds in length. If I could be granted only one wish for my life ....

.... Or to never wake up from the dream.

Afraid to make mention of it to Miss Angela  though. What would she think? I'll just let the remaining after effects linger and float in my consciousness awhile. Don't need them to be shot down and discouraged. I know the reality. A little pleasant imagination running amok hurts no one. Whatever helps get a person through the day or their life.

Judging Others

Now this is certainly something I can agree with. A well thought out collection of vinyl says much about a person. Are they seeking obscure treasures or simply settling for the greatest hits? How have they cared for those records? Has it been a life-long passion? The answers speak to the depth of a person's character.

A friend once attempted to convince me that I should give up my collection. No way was that going to happen!! His idea of donating them to a charitable organization can wait until I pass away. There's too much of my life invested in those records. Close to fifty years!! It has nothing to do with money spent or monetary value.

Meet and Greet

Wow! A friend has his picture taken with "The Boss" (Mr. Springsteen) at a Portland book signing, meet-and-greet event, crossing an item off his bucket list.

Best I can offer is the time I said "Thank you" to Ellis Paul as he sat in the lobby of Mississippi Studios, a small venue in Portland. Or nearly brushing shoulders with Gillian Welch at Music Millenium after an in-store performance when I let myself get pushed into a corner of the store where I couldn't even see the concert. It didn't register though that it was indeed her that walked by me amongst the crowd until after the fact. I was like: "Heyyyyyyy wasn't that ....... Yeah it was!!"

Memories of Rainfalls Past

Awake and in front of the computer at 5:00am. (Way too early!) Listening to the Autumn rain falling on the roof. Hoping it doesn't strip too many leafs from the trees too soon. Giving chills .... A stark reminder of Fall Youth Soccer days in the past. Too many all-day sessions standing in the rain. Soaking wet. Paralyzing!! A deep chill that would resonate in a persons bones for days after. In fact it still does!! Maybe the worst aspect of it was being up at this same hour, hearing the rain and preparing for the day. Knowing what was ahead. I wouldn't wish that sensation on anyone and would never want to experience it again.

Words

I don't know why I say some of the stupid stuff that I do. Words just come out. In that moment, it feels like it needs to be said. But halfway through the sentence you know you're going to regret saying it. But the mouth ceasing to spout off lags behind the feelings of regret. By the time the brain starts functioning properly, it's often too late. Then it weighs heavily on my thoughts for the next 8-24 hours. Until someone else comes along with something equally stupid that supercedes my efforts or I'm convinced that enough time has gone by that my words have been forgotten. Sometimes you just need a new day to arrive to reset things. You swear it will never happen again. But that's just hopeful thinking ..... false promises. Because it always happens again. It's just the next flash point away.

More Sunday Notes

• While downtown, saw a guy walking along the sidewalk sporting a salt and pepper goatee, brown leather jacket, light blue jeans, white t-shirt, black beret ..... and looking ultra cool. (I failed to make note of his shoes.) Thought to myself: "That's my look. I could possibly pull that off and appear just as hip!"
• Went for a walk in the park. Nearly everyone you cross paths with smiles and says hello in that setting. When I retire, these walks will become a daily endeavor.
• Rumors of a guy at work getting caught by his wife sharing tamales with another woman and the resulting negative reaction. While it may be uneventful at times, I sure am glad not to have that sort of drama in my life.
• Found some seventeen year old video of myself and friends hooping it up on a Sunday night. Not to boast (too much) but my jump shot sure was developed to a pretty sight back then. It must have been a surprise to many when it didn't go in. 

Obsessed With Dust

I bought a cover for my toaster. Ever since I’ve become fanatical about hand washing, I’ve worried and fretted about the toaster as well. I don’t care for the vision of dust floating around the atmosphere and making entry via the open toaster slots and adhering their infinite atoms, molecules and particles to my generously buttered toast. Seems like it would be a common concern of all lovers of toast and that a dust cover should be included with all new toaster purchases but they’re not …..  and you can’t find a toaster cover anywhere in this town. It got to the point where every time I had a yearning for a slice of toast, I was considering the purchase of a new toaster. I suppose I could have employed a towel but being me, I wanted something moderately artsy-fartsy looking and manufactured specifically for the job. So I discovered, The Cover Store on Amazon.

And hopefully the cover will deter counter crawling bugs and ants also. Because that visual doesn’t especially appeal to my tastes either.