Looking back over my life tonight. Revisiting events and experiences along the way that had a role in altering it's course. Happenings that have hardened my attitude towards what it has become. People that came and went.
I wonder why that of all the people I've known and crossed paths with, that I'm the one that was chosen to end up with the life that I have. The good and the not so good. Some of it was my choice, some was a choice of others. I'm not going to say that there are no regrets. Hell I don't believe anyone who says that they've lived a life with no regrets. Some may not be willing to admit it but in your innermost thoughts there's always something that you wish you could have done a little better. Where you wish you had another chance.
For myself much of this self examination has coincided these past two years with realizing and slowly struggling to accept my mortality. It's funny how when you think that you've finally figured out some aspects of life, you don't have much time compared with the years that have already passed by, to enjoy the benefits of new found wisdom.
My life has not turned out to be what most people would think of as normal. There's no children or grand children. There's no one to share with and bounce ideas off of. There's no grand plan for the future. There's no one urging me onto greater accomplishments. If I feel like being lazy for a few days, that's what I do. It has its pros and cons. But what actually bothers me is I fear that if a chance for change suddenly materialized, I'm not sure now that I could change directions. That's just been a realization over the past few months and it frightens me. I look at transitional moments and wonder how it came to be?
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