Sunday Funday

A family get together/reunion a little later today ..... and if forced to choose between attending or having a catheter inserted, I might just choose the latter. I fear that if I compiled a list of pros and cons of going, the cons would far outweigh the pros. But since my cousin who resides in Germany is rumored to be attending, I can drive a half hour. 

I'm excited though about the opportunity to get a few waterfall photos. 

I had decided a couple weeks ago to attempt to lose a little weight for the event but twelve hours into my diet, I aborted the plan. I will be what I am. There will be no filters. 

An image capture from a video I took in 2021. Birds at sunset. the combination excites me. 

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Well, I thought that I was going to wander off after a couple hours but stayed into the early evening. With the exception of a couple paternal cousins, a niece and my siblings, I felt like a stranger. I did befriend the daughter of a cousin that I've only seen a few times in my lifetime. She expressed her appreciation for the photos I post online. I mentioned in this journal a few posts ago, hitting it off in a dream with an unknown cousin .... it appears I found that cousin today.

I saw the cousin who I watched the first moon walk with in 1969. No one else seemed to remember that but it's always been one of those memories that I've held on to. Saw another cousin who I thought had passed away. I stopped short of mentioning that to her. It's good to know that tact is still one of my strengths.

Was asked by three or four people about my vinyl collection and joked that I have no intention of ever giving it up .... that when I go, my siblings will have to deal with the records. Then after detecting a puzzled reaction, felt the need to make clear to all listening that my departure from this world isn't imminent. 

My niece introduced me to the game of cornhole. And NO, I wasn't a ringer. In younger times, I used to pitch quite a bit of slow-pitch softball so the skill of the underhand toss, transitions pretty naturally. Unlike with the game of scrabble, I wasn't going to need a couple decades to taste victory.

Missed an exit coming home and ended up on an unfamiliar path, driving along winding rural roads, admiring the hills and trees of the countryside. I kept checking the compass app in my car to make sure I'd eventually end up stumbling upon a road I knew and not at the Canadian border or something. 

Upon arrival in the park, I was the recipient of a random act of kindness. A stranger gave me his all-day parking pass. Thank you!! Pretty sure though that the state of Oregon Department of Finance wouldn't think much of this act of kindness.

So, I overcame my reluctance to attend, survived my shyness, agreed to a vinyl hunting excursion with my youngest brother, managed to get lost for a few minutes upon departure, thinking I was in the wrong parking lot and not locating my car, and like usual, came away feeling in-adequate after comparing my life to others.

Rain In the Summertime

It wasn't exactly like that late-1980's MTV video for The Alarm ...... It was only seemingly in the range of 75 or 100 raindrops on my windshield. Not enough to chase away the sneeze inducing pollen in the air. But I guess that qualifies as a summer (evening) rain shower. It was actually enough to generate that smell I love of rain having recently fallen on warm asphalt. Enough to make the perspiration released from an overly warm day, worth it.

And now the evening feels so quiet, with the exception of the pre-4th of July firework lit off a couple blocks over. And I'm now listening to 'Red Rain' by Peter Gabriel. Both songs actually brighten the mood from the first thirty pages read today of 'The Road' by Cormac McCarthy. Not to give the impression that I won't go any further ..... What I've read so far is fascinating. Maybe because wandering alone in a supposedly postapocalyptic wasteland is a theme I've entertained a time or two, late at night, while waiting to fall asleep. 

Also assisting in brightening the mood was the shedding of the t-shirt purchased at a time when I was twenty pounds lighter in favor of the 3-XL sized shirt given to me at the last union meeting I attended.

A photo taken this morning while out walking. I had gone out in search of this bagpipe group who I've crossed paths with a few times in the past while they practiced in the park. They were absent today, so I wandered about with my phone camera while listening to the very recognizable sounds of a men's softball team taking batting practice in the distance ..... which caused a torrent of (seems like yesterday) flashbacks.

Why is it as one gets older and further away, the memories and flashbacks seem closer with less time between then and now?

While walking, I came to a spot with a cross in the ground and flowers spread around it. The spot I assume of a deadly shooting a few months ago of a teenager by a teenager. I was so fortunate in my youth, to be surrounded by a group of friends who would rather be playing basketball, listening to music or watching Friday and Saturday late-night monster movies.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can ....

I think about this a lot .....

About my years working for the city in youth sports recreation programs and how I'd often end up coaching a basketball or soccer team when there were no parent volunteers and I'd end up scrimmaging with the kids in practices and how it feels like it was last year though it was probably 20-30 years ago and I feel like I should still be able to physically run up, down and around the field or court .....

(And the unintentional implied message here is how time flies.)

And in my senior citizen thoughts and musings I'm like: "Why not?!!! Hell yeah!! I can still run!! .... Can't I? Yeah, sure I can!" 

Then, the constant reminders of the present times where I'm on foot in the freezer at work in a large cold storage facility and feeling the urge to hustle my azz out of there because I've overstayed my ability to tolerate -6F and can't feel my fingers or toes and occasionally burst into a comedic hurry-shuffle type of motion, extremely thankful that there are no cameras (that I'm aware of), because I know that it looks like a distressed walrus in heat .... not that I have any clue what that actually looks like but I'm confident that the video footage of my hurried shuffle would be much less than flattering.

And that's my rant for now about the deceptive mind games played on one by the aging process.

Notes From the Edge

Notes at the end of the day ..... 

• I watch all these people throw out the first pitch with a ten-foot arc at baseball games and always think, if they gave me five minutes beforehand to warm up my arm, I bet I could really wing my best fastball up to the plate ..... maybe clocked at 40mph but I could whip it up there on a straight line .... and maybe a bounce.  
• So many books that I've started and a few pages in, started another .... and then another, that it really feels like an accomplishment when I finish one. Last night I finished, 'Crazy Horse and Custer.' 
• I wish we could add a few hours onto the evening. Put them between 1:00-5:00am. And mandate that a cool breeze be blowing for the entirety.
• Proven wrong again. Just when you think there's no freaking cool records left to discover ..... Mansions - 'Dig Up the Dead.' This is why I like social media. Find the right people, who are throwing great ideas and treasures out there for consumption by those of us seeking revelation. Follow them. 
• Sometimes, as I reach into my snail mailbox without first looking inside, the sudden fear of a snake laying in wait to strike, washes over me. 📭
• I suspect that I am becoming more and more Howard Hughes-like with each passing day .... without the money that is.

Bronzed Memories

While waiting today at a red light, a shirtless jogger passed by in front of me, looking as if his legs, stomach and chest had been chiseled from granite and then bronzed. And as I waited for the light to go green, I thought to myself: "I used to look like that ..... well not really, but kinda sorta 🤣 well still not really, but I used to look semi-athletic ..... and I bet he won't be eating fish and chips a half hour from now like I will." 

Yeah, "semi-athletic" is what I was thinking in that moment as this statue of a Greek god passed by my eyes. lol. I was never the perfectly tanned, made of stone type. But if properly clothed and disguised, I could hide the flaws and pull off looking fit and coordinated. 

But those days have passed. 

I was never too interested in the level of dedication to hard work and sacrifice that it would require for this sort of perfection.

I did once achieve, "bi-studly, super-jock" status in the eyes and estimation of this girl I once worked with for a few summers. I still have the note that she penned to prove it. 🤣🤣 And not "bi' in the usual sense but bi in the ability to go back and forth between occasionally semi-studly and the poetry-loving/caring/sensitive type. Anyway, I think that's what she meant. 

Long Lost Cousin

A dream about walking into a family function and meeting an unknown female cousin, visiting from an unknown country (assumingly England), who volunteered to give me a ride to where I had parked my car, halfway across town .... no idea why I parked so far away .... and who I absolutely hit it off with.

I think that's only the second dream recently where I didn't awake feeling relief that it was only a dream. 

Trail to a waterfall. I took this photo fifteen years ago. It's at Silver Falls Park, near Silverton, Oregon. On the Trail of Ten Falls. 

Operating System Blues

In a flashback to the past, I seemed to be operating pretty smoothly today.

Not the usual fog and hesitation where I'm thinking, "Say what?" to half of what I hear and see.

Especially noticeable was the absence of that early morning brain haze.

I always tell people that I'm not an early morning person .... that I need to be given an hour to settle in.

(And an hour before I'll consider being pleasant to others.)

Today though, I had it from the start!!!

And it seemed to get stronger as the day progressed.

Maybe it had something to do with this new thing I tried out .... I think they call it, 'getting enough sleep.'

I ought to try it again.

Countdown

I'm approaching another milestone in this life. July 23rd will mark fifty years that I've been coming to work at this place. How many people can say that? So, I need to last until then. 

My luck, I'll suffer a career ending injury around 2:45pm on July 22nd. 

A few of those early years were just two or three summer months before returning to college but then things happened, and I ended up there for good. I used to wonder how I would make it through each month financially but poof!! Here I am all these years later. It appears that I made it through ok. Things worked out. Maybe it's permitted to ease up on worrying. 

Maybe they'll give me a watch? I'd be happy with a cupcake. Or a complimentary peanut butter cookie from the vending machine in the break room. Probably though, no one will know. Unless one of my coworkers is secretly one of my four avid viewers here. 🤣🤣🤣

A-Choo!!! (Not)

Wow!! A major miracle perhaps. All fellow seasonal allergy sufferers around me having a bad day, eyes and nasal speaking .... but I breezed through without a single itch or sneeze and only experiencing a wimpy sniffle or two.

I make efforts to lay low and stay humble and quiet in hopes that the agents of pollen won't locate me. Occasionally it seems to work. Usually until the moment I get in my car to go home from work. That's when my body says enough and eases its efforts of resistance setting in motion the fury of a full-fledged allergy attack but I've made it into the late evening tonight, sneeze-free. (Knock on wood.)

All without a single dose of over-the-counter medication.

Been dealing with this for as long as I can remember and have yet to figure out its moods and patterns of attack. 

But I am convinced that respecting its power helps. That said, there's still a couple hours of Thursday remaining to navigate.

Changes

I sometimes feel like I've aged ten years in the last ten months. Like a different phase of life has begun. I don't want to say the final phase but who knows ..... Distinctly different from where I was before. The concept of 'the future' has become defined by tomorrow .... perhaps stretching out to next week in moments of positivity. Every fourth or fifth step seems to be a small slip, stumble, or sideways step .... and not just literally. Things that used to be on autopilot are now delayed response. 

The good news is that standing still has not become an option. You measure what's in front of you and go on.

I'll Follow the Sun

Is it just me or is the sun even more blindingly brighter these days? And does it anticipate my path and move about the sky as I drive during the sunrise and sunset minutes? Because it doesn't seem to matter which direction I turn as it's in my eyes about 90% of the time.

This Father's Day

I was wished a 'happy Father's Day,' yesterday. And for a brief moment the fact eluded me that I am not a father. But for that instant, it was nice to hear and assisted in appreciating a father's story heard on the radio this morning. 

I usually avoid such thoughts but stopped today to ponder, 'what if" .....

Of Course

I guess that "You're welcome" isn't the only response to "Thank you," any longer. More and more, I'm hearing, "Of course" uttered to my thank yous. 

Where and when did this originate? Was it decided that "your welcome" is not politically correct?  Was it decreed that "of course" has a stronger sense of sincerity and appreciation behind it? 

Defining Things

I heard or read this certain word three or four times the last couple days, A common word that one hears often yet I'm thinking that while I know it's not referring to something that one should feel proud about, I don't know exactly what it's getting at, so I look it up to discover that in no way it can be attached to myself and if anything, I've trended towards quite the opposite direction over the past five years .....

And the word is "pretentious."  

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It seems that most things that I fear are eventually experienced in my dreams. Like getting fired from my job. For taking a long lunch break. I kept telling myself in the dream that this can't be real and to wake up yet the dream continued. Fifty years of surviving the system, gone over five rule flouting minutes.

I Wonder

I wonder sometimes, if at work, I've reached the point where I'm seen as the doddering old geezer who everyone just lets do his thing at his own pace and just tolerates the results out of respect for elders and the years already put in?

Like no one has the heart to suggest that maybe it's time to go? 

I don't think I've changed much but have no idea what it looks like from a distance. I know that I won't even attempt to bounce around like I once did.

Correction

Just what I was afraid of. The person who claimed yesterday as the date, fifty years ago for our high school graduation has been corrected.

It's the 6th .... a diploma image provided as evidence. 

So just when I thought I had recovered and life could get back to what I've accepted as normal, now I have to go through all those emotions and flashbacks again.

Fifty Years Today

I hope it's accurate, because I was thinking it was a few days later in the month but a classmate posted on facebook that tonight is the night that we graduated from high school fifty years ago. 

One of those milestones in life. 

I recall in the last month or two before this evening in 1974, not wanting it to arrive. Eleven years looking forward to summer vacation and now I didn't want the summer months to come. 

It's always been a bittersweet memory for me. Things suddenly wouldn't be the same any longer. Friends all about to go out in different directions in their life journeys. Being shy, I was just starting to feel comfortable and a part of things .... and then it was over. A few of those friends, I had further contact with in the days and years beyond that evening but many, I'd never see again.  

One or two, I got to know a little bit many years later. I even admitted to one that I had a crush on her back then in whatever class it was we shared. (I think it was World History but it may have been English, and then again, I'm probably wrong about both.)

There was also a smaller subgroup of us who had been together from our beginnings in Catholic school, grade one. 

The list of those who didn't make it to this day seems lengthy. It's funny but even those I didn't get to know; it feels like I knew them well when I heard of their passing.

A visual has always remained of that evening. Of standing before a bonfire at a classmate's post-graduation party, drinking beer for the first time. After a while it began to taste like water. Apparently crossing the line between sober and drunk and the memories of the evening becoming less clear.

None of us knew in that moment what was ahead. And it feels sometimes like I blinked my eyes and here I am .... here we all are .... fifty years later. Half a century later. It's a cliche and while I'll refrain from saying "yesterday," it really feels like it was just a short time ago. 

A day or two afterwards, I drove over to the coast alone. Spending a day or two wandering, eating fish & chips and saltwater taffy, walking in sand, pondering life and changes while the ocean eavesdropped and playing a round or two of golf. I don't recall but I may have shed a few tears. I was struggling with all the emotions. I came back to rumors that I had ran away from home. I guess I didn't tell anyone besides my parents that I needed time alone. We didn't have cell phones then .... probably a good thing.

On This Day

Heard on the radio this morning about 60 U.S. military vets between the ages of 96 and 107 years old returning to Normandy on the anniversary of the landings in 1944.

Imagine what must be going through their minds as they visited today and visualize and remember what it was like 80 years ago. I assume that whoever made the arrangements for their visit, at the very least, made sure that it was totally first class, comfortable and expense free for them. 

Awake Again, I Can't Pretend ....

Well, another in the series of bizarre dreams .....

I found myself taking a job in a high-end department store. A female friend, known to me in the dream but not in real life had helped me get the job. I was working with her in the women's apparel section. The idea was present that it was only a temporary job while I took a few days away from my regular job. 

Me working in women's clothing? .... Now that's stretch and a weird, wild scenario.

I somehow fast forwarded to day two on the job where an old supervisor in real life joined us and feeling crowded out and in need of job training, I ended up wandering about the store and eventually helping a special needs boy who was looking for a particular brand of baseball cap.

At some point my sister, brother-in-law and nephew walked in the door ..... (my nephew passed away 20 years ago) ..... he began to serenade me for all to hear. 

The dream transitioned to me outside, still working this ritzy job, but driving a lift truck in the rain, something I'm incredibly familiar with and then back into the store, raindrops falling off my clothing leaving visible wet spots on the reddish carpeting in the place. 

And that's where I woke up ...... not having to exhale for once when realizing it was just a dream, so apparently not too bad of a experience. Certainly not a nightmare, but the question remains ..... Where do these visions with random abstract plots come from? 

The title that I've chosen for this journal entree is a line of lyric from the Jackson Browne song, 'Late For The Sky.'

You know, I'd really love to have that basketball hero dream again. The one where I make the last second shot to win the game. Or even the several alternate versions where I struggle to make any shots.