Image of Heartbreak

There ought to be a standard feature on all digital cameras that would record and hold four or five photos that could later be transferred to a memory card. You know, for all the times one gets the "no memory card" message because said wannabe photographer forgot it in the computer's memory card slot at home. It would certainly come in handy.

If they can deliver to you the message of the heartbreak of a missed great photo op, why can't they give you a half hour of storage? Enough time at least to get home or to a store and obtain a memory card. Then after your thirty minutes are up, it could dissolve the image.

A Thought

 There are things that I have difficulty admitting. That I sometimes feel lonely these days. That I've almost given up on life. The thought of admitting such things causes me to feel like a failure where I once felt like I made a difference in this world.. 

More Notes and Thoughts

• I think that I enjoy the search, the actual digging through endless bins, stacks and crates of old vinyl records more than the listening part of it all.
• Since this whole covid thing started back in March, each weekend I ask myself, will I still be feeling well a week from now? Not a great way to live a life is it.
• I love the moments when you suddenly recall that you have ice cream in the freezer.
• Wandering out to the mailbox after notification that a new book of poetry is waiting!!! A great way to go into the weekend.
• Had I known how this was going to turn out I would have opted for it to end yesterday.
• I love the title of this new book of poetry .... 'An Absence of Saints' Seems appropriate to these days.

Notes and Such On Assorted Stuff

• There's nothing quite like the first time you hear a new great song by one of your favorite musicians or band. And you're captured by these new sounds and pretty much reduced to thinking, "Wowwwww!!"
• After something like ninety consecutive days at work, you eventually become numb to it all. The thought of a day off feels in a way, strangely depressing. But I don't want to be misunderstood here. I would jump for joy right now for a day off. I'm pretty much willing to commit most major crimes in exchange for 24 hours to myself. 
• A very good friends tormentor has passed away. Someone who has put her through hell for five years. Is it wrong of me to feel happy for her? 
• This whole life thing ..... It's almost funny how one day you're eighteen and seemingly the next, you're nearing sixty-five. If granted a mulligan, which year would I choose to do over?
• My assistant at work confided to me today that she has bouts of depression, that her meds were not working today and began crying. I suddenly wonder if I'm asking too much of her? Tomorrow will be the beginning of asking less of her.

Lacking Sugar

Ran into the son of an old friend. It was he who recognized me. I failed to recognize him because the last time I saw him he was about eight years old. He's full grown now. He and his brother once made a batch of cookies for me where salt was mistaken and substituted for sugar in the recipe. Purely accidental I was told. I used to wonder. He remembered the story. In fact he was the one who brought it up. Apparently he was told of my reaction upon first taste.

Changing Priorities

Things sure must be changing in my world. Or maybe it's just the whole covid craziness. Anyway, I didn't know that the Yankees had a game today. A first for me during baseball season. And it was a playoff game!!! And they won, 12-3 ..... and I didn't even know!!! Totally unaware. Imagine that. 

And it's 10:45pm and I just realized that I forgot to take my blood pressure meds!! Or maybe I actually took them earlier and forgot that? Maybe it's just the 274 consecutive days at work? ..... or whatever the hell it's been that's causing all this?

I look for people my age to follow on Twitter. But it appears that there are very few people on Twitter who are my age. 

Dream

A dream last night about intense conflict with my father. Why now? Will I ever make peace with the memories? Hell, It's only been forty years since his passing. I don't need to worry any longer about his hurting my mother. Maybe I better understand now why years later, she would often start crying and apologizing for no apparent reason as we were driving to lunch get togethers. Maybe she recognized the impact it had on me? And maybe these days, I'm realizing the same? 

Not easily forgettable like most dreams. I guess this could be classified as a nightmare. I certainly didn't wake up smiling and feeling warmth. Nearly twenty-four hours later and it's still with me .... lurking and hanging on.

Did It Really Happen?

The wildfires that came so close and the heavy smoke of a week or two ago suddenly seem like a dream .... or several years ago. Yet while it was going on, there was a sense of helplessness and also .....  'When is this going to end.'  I felt isolation. I'd see news and weather coverage from other parts of the country and feel disbelief that they had sunshine and seemingly good air to breathe. And now that it's passed, now that my car is no longer covered with a layer of ash, it doesn't feel like it really happened.

The Need and The Urgency

My view tonight upon emerging from the grocery store. I freed myself of an armful of groceries and fumbled about my car for my camera. These sights tend to last seconds instead of minutes and after the smoke of last week, a  bright color seemed much like a revelation. Like seeing it for the first time and who knows .... with the way life has been this year, possibly the final time. So there certainly was a need and an urgency to document the moment. 

Stunned silence followed along with thoughts of someone far away. Someone beautiful to share the vision with. 

No matter how hard you try and how many photos you take, the camera often fails to capture fully what your eyes are seeing and relaying to your mind. I take more and more pictures hoping for the one perfect shot until the moment fades in brilliance, never really satisfied but in a state of desperate awe the entire time. Who knows when .... or if you'll see it again.

Quite possibly there was a more beautiful and stunning image somewhere else but in that moment, for my eyes, there wasn't. This was the ultimate minute in history for the length of its duration. A time to be thankful not to be at work or indoors. A time to be thankful that you remembered to install the cameras memory card after your previous upload .... or download, or whatever it was. 

Thunderstorm!

The sky is angry and loud tonight with a thunderstorm rolling through the area!! Two different interruptions of television programming with seek immediate shelter warnings for nearby small towns! And it sure sounds as if it's heading this way.. It's certainly not shy about announcing it's presence in the ultimate surround sound stereo!!. Just adding to the varied craziness of 2020. 

And I am wishing that I could see its sky at  this late night hour!!

I don't know which is more intimidating .... a heavy thunderstorm or an earthquake? Both come with feelings of helplessness and a sense of just how small you really are.

Those Were The Days

Heard a professional football player doing a interview about his last game being the first time he's lost two in a row in his life. I couldn't help but think of my slo pitch softball playing days when on more than one occasion our team entered a weekend, double elimination tournament against competition clearly a level above us and we would get our asses kicked in a Friday evening game via the five inning, ten rule rule .... Say maybe 18-2 and then return for a Saturday morning game and again get our asses kicked, oh by maybe a 17-1 score and be eliminated from the tournament before any of us had time to enjoy breakfast, our much anticipated festive weekend of softball, seemingly lasting a total of 45 minutes.

We eventually started looking for tournaments with three or four game guarantees where eventually we might cross paths with one team that was equally as foolish as us as far as hopes and expectations.

Notes On Facial Coverings and Such

 Thoughts and notes regarding the wearing of face masks .....

• Will we recognize each other once we are past these face mask wearing days?
• Will we just find it easier to continue wearing facial coverings to hide our faces and all that we feel insecure about?
• Will we just find hiding our expressions preferable to explaining them?

What The Hell!!!

What the hell!!!  A rural road that I've driven for forty-five years while coming from and going to work ..... and suddenly, without prior warning, they've put up a stop sign? I hope the cops are allowing a period of adjustment. After blowing through that crossing point for all those years, I'm not exactly conditioned to slow to a stop there. In fact, I'm generally on auto-pilot when out on that road.

Johnny On The Spot!!!

 So typical .... There was about thirty seconds this morning where the combination of time, sky, sun, and smoke ..... (blown here from not too distant forest fires), ..... created the most stunning shade of pink/orange for the sun. And where was I? Was I ready and waiting with my camera? Hell no!! I was stuck in traffic trying to find a spot to take the photo. And before I could get there, it was gone!! 

Time

When you work 687 consecutive days, the sixteen hours each day that you are away from work sure seem to pass by a hell of a lot faster than the eight hours that are actually spent at work.

A reality of life that's maybe a close cousin to Murphy's Law?

Annual Pilgrimage

Once or twice a year, usually at some incredibly odd hour of the late evening, I drive through the neighborhood and by the house that I grew up in. My teenage years anyway. The streets mostly feel foreign and long ago and far away .... except for a block or two where it feels like I've never left. Like I still belong. And suddenly I'm having this flashback visual of being eighteen years old, back on my home turf, walking down those streets while dribbling a basketball.

All while being face mask-less. (I'm pretty sure that we'll all remember the face mask reference ten years from now. How could we forget?) 

I wonder if there's a single residence on these streets that house at least one or two of the same occupants as back then? It seems sad to me that people from those days quite possibly all eventually departed. And how many (like me) wish they had a reason to remain or chance to return there? 

Perfect Timing

Perfect timing. Come home from work. Enjoy a maple bar. (Or two.) Fall asleep. A restful and much needed nap. Wake up. Look at the clock .... GAMETIME!! Go Blazers!! Turn on television to the desired channel literally as the referee is tossing up the ball for the opening tipoff. All sports viewing should be like this.

End of an Era

My record store for the past twenty or so years, Ranch Records, is closing tomorrow. A shock when I firs heard the news a few weeks ago .... it hurts. A place I have often visited and where I found great comfort and enjoyment within.

It lessens the entire community. 

One by one, these places ..... book stores, record stores, etc., have been disappearing. And the older I get, each loss hurts just a little more and is felt just a little deeper. It's like you're losing one more friend. There will be a void!! Hopefully one that someone is already planning to fill. 

Writing Notes

For myself, I think that the great challenge when it comes to attempts at poetry is finding different voices to write from.

Because if everything feels like it's coming from the same voice, I really start to hate that (my) voice after a while. 

Hoops Obsession

My continuing obsession with taking photos of every outdoor basketball court or hoop in the city. (If not the world, excluding residences). Even though I've never shot a jump shot on this one, I can still dream. I can still wonder about all the games and dreams that were played out, here. I can still visualize every hour spent on this paved sacred ground while the Oregon rains fell.

My fascination with outdoor courts and hoops goes back to my youth and reading the book 'Foul' by Connie Hawkins. The idea of taking photos though was something that came to mind after recently reading, 'Hoop' by Oregon author, Brian Doyle, a collection of short essays about the basketball experience and life.

Just a Feeling

They say that wearing a face mask cuts down the transmission rate by 50% but the wearing of a mask also causes me to feel 500% more vulnerable.

Another holiday weekend has passed and the transition of having Monday off, working in the morning on Tuesday and then night on Wednesday resulting in it being Thursday but my mind thinks it's Tuesday.

Twitter Pet Peeve

One of my pet peeves ..... These people on Twitter who have 36,579 followers and who are themselves following fourteen people.

I always think: Arrogant asshole!!

And a side note that I've wondered about for years .... Why is it four and fourteen but the number forty is without the 'u'?

The Anticipated Return of the Aging and Cranky Man

Hey, it's been a while but I'm back!!! Life and job happenings …. and worldwide pandemics can cause a person to change normal behaviors occasionally.

But one usually returns.

I thought I had moved beyond this longtime phase of my life in favor of more sleep but here I am tonight at 4:00am, awake and listening to music. Vinyl records and radio.

Every year I purchase a pack of new baseball cards to see what the new season brings in appearance ..... and of course always hopeful to get a few Yankees. That leads to another pack .... and another and another. And I keep telling myself that this is the last one as I make each additional purchase until I start getting duplicates and even then, I generally buy one or two more packs. And then the 'Heritage Series' pops up and I have to have a few of those because I still love many of the older styles from my youth.