Street Corner

Ever return to the street corner of a business (record store) that you frequented for countless hours of your youth but that to the best of your knowledge, you haven't stood on in close to thirty years? Then stand and soak in the rush of memories and emotions experienced long ago when those records you searched for were such a huge part of your life?

Photo Ops

I'm not sure, I may have mentioned this before ......

I can be out and taking photos and be mostly unsatisfied with the first fifty pictures that I take and ready to give it up for the day, then suddenly take one that I really like and instantly receive renewal and get fired up about the possibilities of the next fifty.

You never know the image that is just five or ten seconds away from presenting itself. Especially if you decide there's nothing present to be seen and walk away in frustration and resignation. You have to have eyes open, be available and ready, because it may only last for a second or two. Ears open also .... sounds can alert you to developing possibilities.

I guess it's a little like the shooter's mentality in basketball. You may miss ten jump shots in a row but if you quit shooting, you'll never know if maybe you might have made the next five .... or even ten if you get in "the zone."

Out and About

Out for a walk in Bush Park and downtown Salem on a glorious Autumn late afternoon/early evening full of colors, shadows, people and infinite surrounding atmosphere. A church bell in the distance informing of the hour. About as good as that time of day can get. Enjoy it all before it all ends with the inevitable arrival of more Winter-ish weather, people hunkered down in their houses and the trees void of leafs.

October by far, is my favorite month of the year.

Afterwards, the continuing search for poetry. It might not be the best method of evaluation and judging a book but I can read a random line from two or three poems and make the decision to purchase or not. That's all that I need to provide a feel of the subject matter and if the author uses words in a way that draws me in and intensifies my interest. If there's no interest after reading a few chance lines, it likely won't help to read further.

And while I don't care much for dense and complicated, I also turn away from overly simplistic.

Something else ..... and I know it's purely cosmetic, but the type/style/size of print that is used on the pages is also a major factor. Along with images used and the design of the front and back book covers. Want to get me to place a book back on the shelf after reading three or four words? ..... Employ large or over-sized print. It's a turnoff!!

Such Is Life on Graveyard Shift

Graveyard shift again .....

I was hoping it was Friday but I guess it's actually only Thursday. But at least it's not Wednesday. And I'm not absolutely sure about any of this. And I need more sleep. Reminding me that I'm not so young anymore.

Update

Update from yesterday:

I asked four different persons of varying credibility what they know or have heard. People who have contact with other people who might have contact with multiple shadowy anonymous sources  .....

Big mistake!! Each person first stated that they really don't know how things went down but then after pausing briefly, proceeded to give four different stories/theories. None matching the initial theory either. All making for very interesting listening but resulting in even more confusion. And I haven't yet approached rumor monger number one. (Probably rumor monger number two in some peoples rankings but number one in my mind.)

This is all reminding me of my early days as a naive Catholic grade school boy and certain mysteries of faith that we were not supposed to ask questions about and to know or understand the why, just to accept as absolute truth.

But I'm the kind of guy that always wants to know the bottom line why!!! Probably why I had such major issues with high school geometry class and all those stinking theorems. If I can't comprehend why, then I've always tended (or trended) to shut it down and tune it out in my mind. Hey I can't help how I was born.

The Purge

The purge seemingly continues  .......

Another from the upper management core has left the company. Seems to be a trend over the past year. Seems like there's an email announcement every few weeks .... the notice that someone has left. And when it says: "effective immediately" .... well that doesn't sound like the person's parting was their own decision or even a mutual decision. Sounds like he was told to clear out your office and be off the property by noon. This has the feeling of drastic stuff!!

This one a surprise because I thought he was one of the companies brighter minds and that they would want to keep him around. He had moved into his position much quicker than the usual course taken. He was still young and energetic. You'd regularly see him around even though his office was ten miles away. His presence caused me to feel good about the future of the company. He had connections to the long time old family ruling school, that has faded away of late, but also represented new thought and new ideas. That's my impression anyway from what I'd observed the last ten years.

No one seems to know why. Or if they do, they're not saying. There was one rumor that I heard that made no sense. That he was asked to work on a Saturday and didn't come in. If true, I would think that would merit a don't do it again type of warning and a slap on the wrist but not a sudden dismissal. But then I'm not really keyed into the inner workings of the managerial world. I would think that he would be smart enough not to risk losing his job over a day of coming into work if actual loss of that job was the consequence. It's not like working on the weekend is an unexpected request in this company. So I can't believe this rumor.

I've been trying to resist but I guess I will have to go to both of the two official sources of dozens of crazy and unfounded rumors over the years, that never came to fruition .... just to see what they "know?" It's usually some form of alternate reality. At the very least it should be interesting to hear their thoughts and conspiracy theories. And maybe one of them actually has the inside scoop this time.

Some Days

Some days I just want to sit down with a book and read.

Some days I want to put 1970's vinyl on the turntable, turn up the volume and hope to recapture feelings from much younger times.

Some days I want to wander around town, with camera in hand and attempt to find a magical image.

Other days I just want to drift off to sleep with an old movie.

There are days where I want to write great poetry.

And there are days where I want to lace up my shoes, pick up a basketball and see if I can still nail a long jump shot.

Memories Returning

The rain this weekend has me remembering the conclusion of several youth soccer seasons of years past .... It could be weeks of beautiful Autumn conditions but that last day was always a preview of the onset of a Western Oregon winter. An all day affair of standing in the rain and wind. No hiding or protection from the elements. Long after everyone had departed for the warmth of indoors and dry clothing, still standing out there, with not so subtle hints of early evening darkness rapidly approaching, alone and gathering up wet program equipment. Picking up the personal belongings of others and the trash left behind. Soaked, shaking and chilled to the bone. Once home, unable to turn up the shower water to where it was hot enough. A deep chill that would be sensed for months afterwards. A sensation that can still be felt when I stop and remember those days. It's not a memory that I look back on fondly.

A parents expression of appreciation for your efforts often helped warm me up for a moment or two. The reaction to a child's smile would last a bit longer. But at the very end of those "rain event" days, all that remained was that chill, which became more difficult to bear with each year of age. And despite all my thoughts and promises to the inner voices of never again, it took the eventual elimination of the youth program to keep me from returning for more.

There was a group of us who accepted all this. I suppose it was dedication to a cause and all that. It had to be more than just a paycheck. I think we felt a bit of pride in this youth program that for years we helped to shape and carry out.

Teresa

Again with the R-word. A longtime co-worker retired today. I'm left with mixed feelings. I'm sincerely happy for her as she really felt it was time ... She kept mentioning how tired she is .... but I'll miss her very much. There's not many of us long timers remaining and as each one walks away, I feel more and more alone in that place. Especially when it's someone that I consider a friend.

She was one of the rare ones. Rarely getting involved in the rumors, personal battles and petty jealousies that constantly swirl around. She just showed up, tried to do her job and get along with everyone. She didn't care about all the other stuff, which is why I enjoyed being around her.

I've known this was coming for the past few months, ever since it became general knowledge. Though it was a surprise to me because she's still in her early 60's and I had no clue that she had been pondering this. When that final day arrives, it must feels so strange. I can't explain. It must be incredibly difficult to empty out your locker, turn items in, gather up your possessions, say your goodbyes, scan out and walk away on that final day. It's been a huge part of your life for over forty years and suddenly it's all over. And the emotions that have never been experienced before. Wanting (I assume) to smile, laugh and cry all at the same time. It might be easier to get yourself fired.

Weird Ideas

Why do I think it would be romantic to wake up a 3:00am and go for a walk in the rain?

For the past year or so I've had these strange thoughts almost nightly before falling asleep (like it's relaxing and a sleep aide or something) about small groups of people banding together in apocalyptic times for survival in the outdoors. Like how we would set up shelter? How we'd provide security from any threats? Another very visual image that for some reason I've started seeing as intriguing. I think it may have something to do with watching movies like, "The Birds," or "On The Beach" or "Lifeboat." So maybe it's Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kramer's fault?

Sometimes I find myself actually looking forward to going into work just so I can get the eight hours in hell over with and get to the start of the next period of sixteen hours away from the place.

Often times, my idea of redecorating and changing the feel of things is moving an object an inch or two to the left.

I've heard it said before that the city of Keizer was built on one big ant hill. About twice a year I have an invasion of ants. Sometimes I wonder if due to my efforts at eradication, if Billy, Frank, Harry and Donald ants and mates fail to return to their homes after a day on the town visiting my kitchen counter, if maybe the other bazillion-odd ants in the colony will take notice and move on down the street?

Random Thought

Without mentioning specifics (and don't bother to ask) .... I'm thinking much of the time that it's only myself but I suppose just about everyone has embarrassing little personal issues and problems that they hide from the onlookers of the world and go to great lengths to keep hidden. Especially as they get older. Why can't we all just be total perfection and the definition of dignified all of the time?

Insane Morning Radio

A pet peeve? One thing that I hate? ..... Cutesy little yuppie-ish FM radio morning shows for the latte sipping, "contemporary adult " listening community. Deejays attempting way too hard to to sound bright, hip and energetic at 6:00am with incredibly inane chatter between songs. Nothing makes me rush to change the station quicker. Why don't they just talk about the music instead in a more relaxed and educated tone. No talk at all would be preferable.

You'd think there would be some sort of paid listener or management stooge who would tune in daily and relay how lame and overly sweet that they sound .... How they are bordering on causing road rage.  "They" because there's always two voices assigned to this programming to enhance the supposed witty exchanges and listening experience for the modern adult.

Questions

I rarely speak or post anything on politics and faith because I think those are such personal beliefs and mostly to be respected by others but sometimes you feel the need to say certain things.

For all the conservative trump supporters who also call themselves Christians, what do they really think that Jesus would say about some of the talk and thoughts that come out of his mouth? Do they genuinely think that Jesus would agree with it all? Banning people, insulting people, initiating war on nations and everything else? Regardless of what those people or their leaders may have previously said or done, would the Jesus they claim to believe in, respond in that manner? With violence, hate, greed, arrogance, revenge, etc.? Can they honestly and sincerely say that he would? Because if so, that's a different Jesus than the one I've always heard about. And I hesitate to say even that much because I don't claim to know much about anything and surely don't want to speak for Jesus .....  but I only go off what is being thrown out there lately and what I feel in my soul is so wrong.

A Senior and a Sir

I was scooping some mashed potatoes and gravy onto my plate in the buffet line (I don't go very often these days since I've been overcome with a hand washing obsession) and the girl next to me (she had to be around ten years old) turned my way and said: "How are you sir?"  I was surprised and impressed almost to the point of being knocked down speechless but I did manage to reply that I was good and to ask how she was doing. This kid certainly made my day!!!

Maybe she was within the sound of my voice distance a minute or two earlier when I most proudly informed the cashier (who also called me "sir") of my senior citizen status? Gotta claim those applicable well deserved discounts.

And to think .... there was a time, not all that long ago, when I hated people referring to me as "sir." Now it feels like a warm and fuzzy, gesture of sincere respect moment.

Honest Effort

I work with some people who show up for work every day and always give an honest and quality effort without making noise about it. That impresses the hell out of me. It would be easy to have days where you slack off and just don't care about making a true effort. But they refuse to let that happen. It's a pride and dignity issue for them. Do the best you can each day. Instill the same in your children. In the end, when you pause and look back at your life, you know it was all worth it!!! There must be an incredible feeling of satisfaction. You made the world a little better and there's probably someone who noticed your efforts and is following your example. You can't buy that sense of accomplishment.

Life and (Sudden) Death

Drove by the spot where only a few days ago a drunk driver collided head on with a lady and her four children, killing them all. As I passed by the spot marked with flowers on the side of the road. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through the lady's mind, at the instant that she approached this spot on a curve, from a quarter mile away, unsuspecting what was just a few seconds ahead.

You wake up, go about your day, laugh a little, enjoy a meal, have hopes for tomorrow, while behind it all, time is silently and relentlessly counting down, your time remaining decreasing with each second that goes by and then suddenly you reach that point where with no warning and due to another's arrogance and stupidity, your life is over.

And any one of us could be going through that same process at any given moment.

Notes

• I've no idea what their music sounds like but I sure like the name .... King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard. They (actually I don't know if it's a band or a duo) have a new album being released tomorrow. How could I not check it out?
• Each day I appreciate the arts a little more .... Paintings, writing, photography, music. But especially films and movies. And my own efforts at creating something, in writing and photography are especially enjoyable. To paraphrase something I once read: Don't concern yourself over if it's good or not, just create. Create something new. 
• Amazed at the clouds this afternoon. Later I read that there was a tornado a few miles away at about that same time. It's a wild Autumn.  
• A dream last night with a beautiful woman who had interest in me. But now I can't recall her face. It's funny how those kind of dreams are almost enough. How they almost take the place of real life relationships. Almost.
• Aromatherapy does not provide much in the way of positive therapy when you drop and spill the contents of the diffuser. 

Reunion

I need to get over my fear of some things. Like a middle school reunion. They held one this weekend. Forty-six years it's been!! I always look at such numbers and think in terms of half a century. Anyway .... Why do I worry that I'm too overweight or too bald or just not cool enough for these people? But that's my issue that I need to conquer. None of us, to the best of my knowledge, have managed to avoid the passing of time and the aging process. It's not like it's going to be one old geeky man hanging out with a bunch of cool teenagers. Well unless I get confused and lost with directions and show up at the wrong event.

They're planning another get together for next summer. So I have a little time to work on self esteem and such. As much as I proclaim beforehand that I'm not interested, I really am interested.

Saturday Into Sunday Notes, Musings and Various Stuff

• The older I get, the more I enjoy music that I previously associated with the tastes of my parents generation. Today I found a Count Basie recording, "Chairman of the Board." Big Band Jazz from the 1950's. Swinging good tunes!!!
• For tonight anyway .... I never want to eat Chinese food again!! OD'd on the stuff.
• Don't you hate it when you highly anticipate an event and expend all sorts of energy to get to the event location before it's too late, only to discover that it's actually taking place next weekend. I suppose I should be happy that it wasn't last weekend but high expectations denied leads to major bummers regardless of the status.
• At work this afternoon, listening to conspiracy theories from the paranoid fringe. No not television or radio but from the mind of a co-worker.
• How many different cologne's does the average man have? There's eight on my dresser. I mean, I don't want to come across as anything less than a super hunky studly semi-sensitive macho man .... but I've become a lover of scents. And while the odds of ever spotting me in a suit and tie are pretty much slim and none, the chances of catching a whiff of cologne as I pass by are pretty good.
• I wanted to scream and jump up and down for joy when the Yankees pounded the leagues best pitcher and took a 8-3 lead in game two of the ALDS the other night and maybe even do a little this-game-is-in-the-bag gloating but elected to keep quiet and lay low instead .... good thing I guess. They ended up losing, 9-8.
• My life isn't overly exciting. I've accepted that it is what it is. But I do want to make at least one or two more trips to the Oregon coast before it ends. 
• I always check for spiders before putting on my slippers. 
• I'm not one who cares much for fiction in my reading. Though I do enjoy a nice collection of short stories. My library consists mostly of poetry, history, essays, books on music and musicians, etc ...

Revisiting The R Word

Maybe I am pondering retirement. Even early retirement. Found myself today organizing all the social security and pension statements that I've received over the years. Creating separate file folders even. Pondering how much I'll receive and what I'd feel comfortable with.

From the R word not even being a consideration not too long ago to where I am now ..... it's quite a change in thought. It's like every day lately, I feel like I'm being driven just a little closer by circumstances, towards making the decision. And I sure don't want to die feeling this way. I want to experience freedom for a few years anyway.

If there wasn't paperwork, notifications and other formalities involved, I very well might have made the decision at several different moments this past week. A person in their sixties ought to have the right to make the declaration at any given time, tell off a person or two (generally the causes of the issues causing one to want to walk away) and just go home. With the benefits they've earned following close behind.

October Already

• Wow!! October already!
• Tom Petty died today. It catches your attention when it's a longtime personal favorite who is close to you in age. Suddenly it's like, if it could happen to him ..... Three/fifths of The Traveling Wilburys have now passed. Time to stop hoping for the band to get back together.
• Someone accepted my friend request on Facebook today. Problem is, I don't recall sending the request. But you can never have too many friends right? Especially when you've been noticeably lacking in that area in recent years.
• The act of getting up each day and heading off to work isn't really what's driving me closer to retirement. It's the days like today where you feel like you are being pulled in and from all directions.
• It feels like an incense burning evening.
• Matching up socks fresh from the dryer becomes pretty simplified when all you wear is same brand, ankle high, navy blue. Especially after you pass the point where you can tell the difference between the newer and older socks.

Photo Bombing

Too much thought beforehand is not always a good thing. I'm finding that most of the photos that I take that I end up feeling especially good about are not planned out but instead images that I just happen to cross paths with and just have a few seconds to capture.

I guess that's an argument for going out and about every day with eyes and mind open, because you just never know what might present itself at any given moment.

Autumn Evening

I love evening Autumn showers. They provide a unique emotion in my soul. Something I can feel beyond just the physical sensation of water contacting skin. The fact that it's happening in the evening is especially important for this particular experience. It enhances my appreciation for what's going on.