Decision At Sundown

No, not the Randolph Scott western!! ....

A major (for me) decision that I'm struggling with for my first day on night shift this year. To work or not to work? It's my option. There's things to do but nothing vital for the moment. At my age, to stay home, watch a movie and drift off to sleep is always appealing but I'll just have to turn around in short order and go in tomorrow so it seems pointless in a way. You really need two or more consecutive days off to make a difference in a life or an attitude. One day off feels more like you received an extra fifteen minute break in your work day routine and this time of the year I skip most of those anyway.

You see, I'm pretty sure how all this will play out because I've been through it a time or twenty previously. I'll lean towards staying home for the remainder of the afternoon and evening. Then at the last moment, will get in my car and commence driving slowly in the general workplace direction. As I drive, I'll constantly remind myself that it's not too late to turn around. I'll arrive on site eventually and debate whether I shoud get out of the car or not. I'll go inside, grab my ID card and moderate a heated arguement between the inner voices in my head and my already apparently made decision with each, man approaching the gallows-like step towards the scan-in station. Then I'll attempt to hold my hand back cursing the the unknown force that's attempting to force it downward, until I see the green scan in success light appear and regret it for the next seven hours and fifty-nine minutes. Only to be OK with it all as I scan out to go home .... Oh and on payday also.

Continued

..... And sometimes they cause you to wish that you were a teenager again. One of the two previously mentioned girls told me today that she's going to miss me (I have to rotate to another shift) and wanted to know when I'd be back. I practically melted and cried right on that damn spot. I don't hear such words much these days. All I ever really did was let her be herself. To try and answer her questions politely. To give her a little responsibility and show that I had confidence in her. And let her laugh with her friends and to feel comfortable while at work. I never acted the stereotypical old leering man.

It all causes me to wish that I had been a parent. I see now, what I've missed out on.

History 101

These two teenage girls working for me, asked me today how long that I've been working for Norpac. I think my answer stunned them. At the very least it greatly amused them. (Gotta admit to being amused myself also.) I don't think that they could visualize that far back in history .... well before they were born.

It's nice to realize that they could see behind (or beyond) the serious, business face facade that I often employ and feel comfortable enough to ask me a personal question. I was actually touched by it all. Maybe I'm not quite the despised hitler figure that I imagine. Maybe I'm just mussolini lite.

More Notes

I'm convinced that the life saving manna spoken of in the bible story, was actually Pepsi in glass bottles. It had to be something pretty significant to cause me to backslide (three times now) on a vow of body and soul cleansing abstinence that I was extremely proud to be faithfully following through on for darn near coming up on a year.

Now my source appears to be closing in on sold out status and I see no indications that the supply will be replenished. But while I'm hoping, I'm also close to tears. There's no better treat after a hot, sweaty day at work where the aging and tired, hard-working (self alleged but not yet confirmed) fellow who skipped out on both break time and lunch in order to accomplish things for the betterment and improved efficiency of the company, finds himself drooling uncontrollably for a gulp or two of icy cold Pepsi in a glass bottle.

Yeah I broke a solemn vow but I'm hopeful that God will grant me a mulligan or two on this one.

Not Enough Time and Other Late Evening Musings

There's never enough time!! There's so much music to listen to. So many books to read. So many images to capture. Not to forget movies to watch. And you're always going up against the countdown to the next obligation or personal need to meet .... work, sleep, chores, etc.

And then there's those moments where you find yourself anyplace but home .... around other humans .... and suddenly you're filled with the instant terror (for just a fraction of a second that can never pass quickly enough) that maybe you forgot to get dressed before venturing out into the world of onlookers.

And speaking of onlookers .... Why is there a need in society for security cameras? It seems these days that no matter what you do or where you wander or stray, there is always someone present, standing around watching you. Like it's their job. Or maybe their hobby. Or maybe because they have nothing better to do.

But then 75% of those professional gawkers and peepers have their attention split between you and their cell phone, 95% of the time.

And speaking of cell phone zombies .... Do the groups of hipsters, yipsters and dipsters walking in the park or on the sidewalk, realize how freaking ridiculous they look, all walking along obsessively gazing into their separate phones? Why even bother with the hassle of going to the park.

I've been making a concerted effort lately towards staying away from any form of angst. (Though I do backslide occasionally.) I think that it's probably a good idea for my general health and all. But I'm afraid that it's taken on the appearance of not giving a shit. Which I alternate between being perfectly fine with and being extremely bothered by.

Hay Fever Blues Again (To a Lesser Degree)

Maybe I'm finally outgrowing it? (Someone once told me that was possible.) Or maybe the drugs did their job? Or maybe this hay fever allergy season is lacking somewhat in it's punch? Or just maybe it was the recent discovery of Pepsi in glass bottles? Either or all ways, I've reached and passed my personal magic date for the season where it ceases to be an issue (historically speaking) and only suffered through two or three major irritant type days and one or two minor irritant days.

So I'm very thankful for that and also for my legs suddenly feeling a few weeks or months younger!! I base that on how many times the thought of "retirement" went through my mind the past few days. My inner barometer.

Do The Math

Do the mathematics of the situation ..... One restroom designated for general use by a specific gender. You of the opposing gender (allegedly). Dozens of people of the restrooms designated gender, present and with occasional impending urgent needs. That all adds up to your airheaded oblivious self can't be in there painting for three days with the door wide open in a heavy foot traffic area. Apparently some guys don't mind, but I'm assuming that a few modest sorts prefer privacy. We're not teenagers any more ..... most can't just "hold it" until they get home.

You'd think that upper management would take notice, step in and take action with an executive decision. As they probably don't want the lowly rank-and-file employees potentially using their upper class, posh and comfy private restrooms.

Thirty-four Years

Thirty-four years later, you can't just be friends? You who have supposedly evolved above old school pettiness towards some sort of mystical, higher level, new-ageish life form of warmth, good and brilliant crystaline illumination.

Maybe you're living in some form of opposite universe, revisionist history where I was the one who broke vows, became unfaithful and walked out?

Passing Time Running Amok

These days, each of these days passes by so quickly. All attempts to slow the process fail. It sometimes feels like driving a speeding car with no brakes. The marathon of much younger days has become a sprint. But the finish is still out of sight. .... and when did we seemingly lose all control? Occasionally I'll get caught up in literally noting each second as it ticks away and just want to scream for it to stop! It amazes and frightens as you observe each second transition from the present to the past. You think to yourself that it's gone and will never return. And before you complete the thought, another instant has passed ..... and another .... and another!! You can become overwhelmed and obssessed with it all if you watch and consider the repeating sequence for too long

The Question Of A Smile

I was asked today why I don't smile much. A claim that I highly dispute. Because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. Not all smiles have to be big, broad and visible from afar.

But if you need to know about that big broad smile or lack thereof .... I've been through enough heartbreak for this lifetime. Not all things just heal over. And I have nothing left inside me to risk bringing on more pain. You want to know me, then understand and accept that. It doesn't mean that I'm not generally happy. It doesn't mean that I'm cold and uncaring.

The One Thing That No One Can Teach You ....

Heartbreak! It's the one thing that I've never learned to deal with. You can't simply smile and get over it. Not possible!! You just hold on and survive the pain until it eventually slowly fades away. Though it never totally fades. There's always something lurking in the background to remind you. A song, an aroma, a dream, etc.. But you make a truce with the ghosts and remnants and move forward. No escape, no magic cures. That's the reality. To paraphrase a favorite musician: "The only way to get through it is to go through it."

Senior Moments

My favorite time of each day has become the end of the day. Where I sit down with a book and a movie and eventually drift off to sleep. It's been a pattern in my world for the past year or two and has led to my getting to sleep much earlier than ever before. I just can't do the staying up until 2:00 or 3:00 am thing anymore. Don't even desire to any longer. Not even on evenings before days off from work. I've become addicted to sleep. It's the narcotic of choice for Seniors.